To think that I'm not the reason why mum didn't get the promotion of a "lifetime"?

[ldontWanna]

My relationship with my mum isn't great. There are several issues there so it might be clouding my judgement. Normally I can ignore her usual bullshit but every now and then she comes up with something new that completely blindsides me.

The latest one is that she had the opportunity to go for a big promotion but she didn't feel like she couldn't because of me/having to look after me.

As a baby and toddler I was very difficult to look after ,I was quite sickly as well and they did struggle a lot with lack of childcare (I was left sometimes left alone sleeping for an hour or two since age 2)and circumstances,but this promotion was years after.

The thing is, I was a latchkey kid since I was 7. She'd wake me up when she left for work,I'd get dressed,make my bag and walk to school. Come back, eat something do homework and just entertain myself until she got home several hours later. She never helped with homework, only came to school 3 times in 12 years(and that's because dad couldn't make it), never organised playdates , I've never been to a dentist as a child, never had a birthday party,never read to me,never played with me .... you know all the things that take time,effort and account for mental load when you have kids.

She did take one promotion FOR ME apparently,because it meant regular shifts and being home in the afternoon. She did cook,clean, do chores and watch telly. I was either in my room or playing outside in the street and unless I sat with her to watch her shows I wouldn't even see her except at dinner.

Now she tells me she had this amazing opportunity,and she could've been somebody if it weren't for the fact that I needed looking after and she had to go away for courses for a few days in order to get it and she couldn't have possibly done that. Except she has done it for other courses and me and dad were fine. Well I was, no idea how dad felt about it.

AIBU to think it's absolute bullshit and that the mothering side was never that demanding for her to actually use it as a reason?

I think that children can never understand everything that their parent does. So much of parenting is hidden, unseen and unappreciated.

However, there's absolutely no reason for your Mum to be raising this with you now. That's shit and you don't have to put up with it.

When you have children you do make choices around them and their care, but that’s only because you made the choice to become a parent in the first place. That aside, I have no time for those who blame other people for their perceived lack of success. It’s a very specific kind of person that doesn’t want to take responsibility for themselves and I would bet this isn’t her only nasty comment.

It’s absolutely shitty behaviour of anyone to blame a child for an adult’s decision.

Im not surprised you have other issues with her.

I don't think there's anything to understand about never did a school run,never helped with homework, never went to a parent teacher meeting.

She was an amazing cook though, and extremely house proud. The house was always immaculate and that took a lot of time and effort. She also starched and ironed everything so our clothes were also and again,that did take time and effort. I can appreciate and respect that , but I consider it to be her choice/priority.

If she said housework and everything was too much, I'd probably get that , but involvement in my life (social,academical,etc) was minimal and I was pretty much left to my own devices. I'm sure a lot of that was born out of necessity and leftovers from the way she was raised . You're right though, I really don't understand how that could've been the reason,or even part of it.

How dare you be born op and get in the way of her promotion . Honestly I’m not sure why she had a child she sounds very self obsessed and did emotionally neglect you . She is completely out of order bringing this up now to what benefit make you feel like shit? . We can all argue parents did their best but there is no excuse to her behaviour now .

You were not responsible and are not responsible for her decisions.
I would be tempted to grey rock this shit from her. If you do want to repond maybe remind her that she chose to have you. She chose how to parent you (or not parent you by the sounds of it). You did not chose to be born. You did not contribute to her career decisions. These were and are purely on her and your dad.

What does your dad say when she spouts this shit?

You know, parenting doesn’t come with a manual. Yes, we assume the responsibility of having the children, but beyond loving, feeding, keeping them safe, there is no rule we must play by. We’re essentially doing the best we can, with the tools given to us by our own parents.
There is also the aspect of not wanting to burden your children, so some of the choices we seem to make, are actually dictated by circumstances.

I am one of those mums who had to work full time. Sometimes I was too tired to play with her. Sometimes (most of her secondary) she did have to let herself in, get something to eat and wait for me to finish work.

Yes, I didn’t go for promotions whilst she was still in school. Because, in my case, it would have meant a chaotic rota, late nights, 2 months a year in a different town. When she left home, I went for it, I grieved not having her with me for a few months then I applied for a promotion, I got it, and I’m planning to wind down work in the next 10 years.

It’s a sacrifice, make no mistake about it. I had to do it not because I had her, but because I had no support from her dad. I didn’t want the promotion for my status, it was/is purely for the money and to reflect the level of expertise. It would have also eased the financial burden considerably. Her dad refused to help.

I came home late, I worked long days condensed into 4 so I can still be at the school gate once a week. By then she would have been too tired to do homework with me anyway. I know because I tried. But part of the reason I was home late was because her dad refused to do any shopping, we didn’t have home deliveries where we lived.

I don’t blame my child for it. It is a shitty thing to say, if it wasn’t for you, I could have had a stellar career. Is she saying this during arguments in which you reproach her parenting skills?

How old are you, do you have children?

If work and promotion was more important to her than her own child , then she shouldn't have had children in the first place
None of this is your fault at all and bringing it up now doesn't do anyone much good.
What's done is done.

I rarely reproach her parenting skills,as it's pointless .Maybe 4 or 5 times in all my life, and most of those were during my teen years.

I'm in my mid 30's and have a DD (10) myself so I do have an understanding of how hard it is, but at the same time she never did the things I do with/for DD.

On the other hand my house has never been or will be as clean as hers and I never iron.So maybe it is swings and roundabouts?

Apologise profusely and say you are so sorry that you asked to be conceived by her and forced her to give birth to you and to raise you. If you could undo the damage your decision did you would.

Sounds like your mother wants someone to blame for things in the past that she felt she missed out on. It’s not fair that she seems to be trying to put the blame on you. She may at the time not have felt good enough for this opportunity but now wants to find something else to blame so she doesn’t feel I adequate. Either way, it’s not your responsibility to bear

That's awful to blame you for a "sacrifice" she made that you didn't know about or gave any control over. Yes parents (especially mothers) do miss out on other stuff once they have children, but having children is a lifestyle choice, and a choice of the parents not the child.

I may be cynical but drawing on experience I think there are people who really want to believe they would have been amazingly successful had it but been for the career sacrifices they made for their children because it suits them to maintain a high opinion of themselves. But to be fair most of us aren't amazingly successful so the chances are they wouldn't have been anyway, but they can maintain the fiction. My MIL was like this. Her children said they never heard the end of her bewailing that she'd missed out on a stellar career in publishing because of them. When they were older she did a degree and then got a job in publishing but gave up after 6 months as she found working was ... too much hard work. And she was gobsmacked that she was expected to do a fair amount of admin duties rather than be handed the role of running the editorial department(!) Once she ditched the job she never mentioned the great career again.

The big kicker?!?

I'm adopted.

It's possible (and likely) that she gave opportunities in her career because she had parenting duties at home.

What is absolutely shitty is for her to be telling you this, many years after the fact. Total guilt-tripping.

Tbh if she really,genuinely believes that it would definitely explain some of the other issues we've had.

How long ago was this promotion opportunity? Why is she talking about it now?

A few years ago my mother told me that she had just secured her dream job - working with diamonds and gemstones - when she discovered she was pregnant with me, and promptly lost it.

I was shocked at the revelation, but it she didn’t say it to make me feel bad. Both my parents sacrificed a lot for me and it has always been very obvious that my brother and I were their priorities. It doesn’t sound like that’s the remotely the case for you, and that’s what you’re really upset about.

Ok can you explain that? She cooked,cleaned , did chores and was in the house(when she was) - a lot of that she would've had to do anyways as a single person/part of a couple. That's where her parenting stopped most of the time. So what other parenting stopped her from applying for it?

School holidays I was either at my grandparents or home alone/playing outside, which tbh wasn't a bad thing at all.

She sounds like if she had lived in this generation, she would have chosen to not have kids, as she isn’t maternal and had no want to be a mother. And now that would be seen as normal and ok to choose but she felt it was expected of her.
your childhood does sound like shit, you are not responsible for anything and she’s just try to unfairly offload her life choices onto you.
you owe her nothing.

I would've been around 11/12? So more than 20 years ago. She's retired now.

She was talking about her life /career (awfully long monologue) ,which she does sometimes but now this little tidbit made it's way in. She went on about it in quite a lot of detail.

What bothers me is that I can't see how it can be true. If there was even a kernel of truth in it, i prolly would've sympathised and felt sorry for her/the missed opportunity because I'm not a total dick.

I was offered my dream job the day after I found out I was pregnant. My son will never know this because it was my decision to turn it down and become a mum.

I’m sorry your mum is blaming you for something that is 100% not your fault .

Your mother may well be feeling resentful about how her life turned out, and seeking to lay the blame somewhere. Of course it’s not your fault she didn’t go for a promotion.

Would you describe your parents relationship as an equal partnership? This paragraph really jumps out-

She was an amazing cook though, and extremely house proud. The house was always immaculate and that took a lot of time and effort. She also starched and ironed everything so our clothes were also and again,that did take time and effort. I can appreciate and respect that , but I consider it to be her choice/priority.

What would have happened if she didn’t do all of this? Would your father have cooked? Washed your clothes? Would your house have been clean?

It’s not particularly productive to judge parenting styles of previous generations by todays standards.

It really wasn’t that uncommon for children to be expected to entertain themselves, go out to play with friends etc in the 1990’s.

In addition, most working women still shouldered the burden of domestic tasks at home, in addition to holding down jobs. Sounds like your dad may have had more free time than your mother did.

By putting in all this time and effort to keep the house running, your mother quite possibly believed this was taking care of her family. Perhaps that is what she means.

I will never understand the competitive victimhood on this website. I just don’t see what people get out of it. What’s the point in moping about feeling sorry for yourself years after the fact?

So, OP, your mother was at home when you weren’t at school (except when she wasn’t), but instead of playing with you or reading to you, she did her housework, watched TV and sent you to your grandparents’ house? When I was a kid, all this was completely normal and it was called ‘The 1970s’. It was great, by the way.

My mum used to say that sort of thing. She could have had a great career and a better life if it weren't for me and my sister - as if we had somehow forced her to sleep with her BF at age 16, then be forced into a shotgun wedding by her parents and leave the violent marriage after 18 months. To her all of this was our fault. It seems insane to me. Lots of people in that story made very poor choices but my I sister and I didn't.

Mum is in her 80s now and very frail and vague. She depends on me for a lot and would like me to do more but with the support of my family (and some wonderful people on here) I keep my boundaries very firm. I do a certain amount for her out of pity (and the usual fear, obligation and guilt) but I am determined not to let her ruin my golden years the way she ruined my childhood.

It's because she claims she couldn't do something because she looked after me. She didn't. That's what bugs me.