To think that I'm not the reason why mum didn't get the promotion of a "lifetime"?

[ldontWanna]

My relationship with my mum isn't great. There are several issues there so it might be clouding my judgement. Normally I can ignore her usual bullshit but every now and then she comes up with something new that completely blindsides me.

The latest one is that she had the opportunity to go for a big promotion but she didn't feel like she couldn't because of me/having to look after me.

As a baby and toddler I was very difficult to look after ,I was quite sickly as well and they did struggle a lot with lack of childcare (I was left sometimes left alone sleeping for an hour or two since age 2)and circumstances,but this promotion was years after.

The thing is, I was a latchkey kid since I was 7. She'd wake me up when she left for work,I'd get dressed,make my bag and walk to school. Come back, eat something do homework and just entertain myself until she got home several hours later. She never helped with homework, only came to school 3 times in 12 years(and that's because dad couldn't make it), never organised playdates , I've never been to a dentist as a child, never had a birthday party,never read to me,never played with me .... you know all the things that take time,effort and account for mental load when you have kids.

She did take one promotion FOR ME apparently,because it meant regular shifts and being home in the afternoon. She did cook,clean, do chores and watch telly. I was either in my room or playing outside in the street and unless I sat with her to watch her shows I wouldn't even see her except at dinner.

Now she tells me she had this amazing opportunity,and she could've been somebody if it weren't for the fact that I needed looking after and she had to go away for courses for a few days in order to get it and she couldn't have possibly done that. Except she has done it for other courses and me and dad were fine. Well I was, no idea how dad felt about it.

AIBU to think it's absolute bullshit and that the mothering side was never that demanding for her to actually use it as a reason?

I just asked because it's not uncommon for a scapegoat/golden child with difficult parents.
You really mustn't blame yourself for being a challenging child. Children don't behave with the same motivation as adults and as an adopted child, maybe you had additional unmet needs too. Parents really shouldn't hold grudges against their kids for behaviour appropriate to the child's development or needs.
Reading the description of your childhood has genuinely made me feel sad. I can't imagine being like that to my own children.

@Wouldyabeguilty if I really wanted a pity party I would've started a thread about the other issues or added them on here and no one would say I'm unreasonable then.

I honestly want to know what parts of the parenting she did do prevented her from going for that promotion.

The key here is that you don't know how your Dad felt about it.

Perhaps what actually stopped her was your Dad? On the grounds that he wasn't going to look after you overnight/it wasn't her place to make decisions regarding her career without his permission or approval as he already worked longer hours and she therefore had to stay in her original job? Or could your grandparents have refused on the grounds that half term was alright, but overnights were unacceptable when she had a child?

Whilst there will be people who say everything was fine 20/30 years ago and no woman was ever stopped from progressing their career if they wanted to, it's not true. Not for everyone - especially if the childcare arrangements they did have in place were subject to conditions or refusal if they didn't approve of an aspect.

After all, your Dad didn't opt for reduced hours to ensure you weren't at home alone after school and weren't left to feed yourself aged 9. He could have done. He could have worked part time, school hours, term time only, gone self employed, worked early shifts so he'd be there in the afternoons - all the things that women are expected to do. If there was nothing stopping her from taking that job, not even the prospect of coming back to a pigsty with a child fed on crisps and Fredo chocolates because keeping the home clean wasn't of interest to him, surely he would have done that?

What stopped your father from that?

Perhaps it was his career?

I guess there was a golden cousin, but that's because 1.she obviously didn't actually live with us and 2.she was more like what mum wanted from a daughter than i was.
Mum and my grandparents also raised her until she was 4, so she was her first "baby".

I think it is a horrible thing to say to any child, adopted or not and from the sound of it untrue. Maybe she is reflecting on her position and life choices. I for one would be stopping the almost daily phone calls. Why do you do that?

I honestly want to know what parts of the parenting she did do prevented her from going for that promotion.

I don't think you'll ever have the answer. It sounds very much like she wants someone to blame for something she considered she missed out on or something she failed at - who knows.

My ex was similar - I was blamed for him not getting any of the promotions he went for. Absolutely nothing to do with me at all but people like them need someone else to be responsible for their failings.

😮@ldontWanna I'm shocked that you were adopted and neglected that much, I always imagined that adopted children would be cherished as it really is an active choice, not an 'accident' for want of a better word as I was. My mother told me that she 'didn't know where I had come from as she had already left her abusive husband but had to go back when she realised she was pregnant' seemed to blame me for that!🤔 Another here who was physically and emotionally neglected but at least it taught us how NOT to mother🤷I'm sure you are a much better mother to your child and I hope I have been to mine. I've never really understood the argument that people who are inadequate parents or abusive were abused/neglected themselves (she was if I'm to believe her many stories) but all that did to me was to ensure my children were well cared for, loved and always put first!

Dad was Navy but at a base with set working hours and a few nights thrown in,unless there was an emergency call. Mum worked in Neonatology. Very hard,difficult and stressful job. I can definitely acknowledge that
He did look after me when mum did nights (including as a baby) , sometimes he took me with him to work if he was also on nights and after a certain age I'd stay home alone at night if they were both on nights.

After her first promotion she also then had set hours with a few nights a month thrown in at the weekend .

The night shifts for both of them were the most difficult to navigate and sort childcare for.

It's possible he was a dick or controlling and refused /prevented her, but she didn't say it was because of him(I definitely would've understood that and accepted it)she said it was because of me and having to parent me.

Was possibly a slightly different era when managers would not understand the sacrifice working parents would need to make and be inflexible and condescending to women with kids. Certainly it was like that in the 70s and 80s.

Sounds like she over performed in some areas (maintaining a house and cooking lovely meals which is a shit tonne of work) but underperformed in others. What role did your dad play? You don't mention what he did or didn't do. There are many sides to every story. Your mum doesn't sound bad. I'd just let this one go.

She sounds quite a nasty woman

Why bother with her?

I am sorry you are dealing with this OP, your mum is both unfair and unkind and I would even say it was a fairly toxic comment to make

It may or may not be true, we can never know, but to throw this at you (and what are you meant to do? Feel guilty you exist??!!!) is really harsh

Who'd say that to their child

Can you distance yourself from her?

I definitely won't mention the other stuff then if you think that was bad.

Ironically, she also said in that conversation that it's ok,I'm only 30 I still have time to make DD proud of me like I am proud of her.

I've definitely failed on the career/success part , but I'm also a better parent(at least in my eyes). I guess that will be up to DD to judge really.

I never understand the idea that children owe parents, or are to blame for anything that happened because of pregnancy or childbirth. Parents owe children a reasonable childhood - food, love, time, effort. I mean there's a minimum legal level or it's abuse.

DH has a mother (not MIL as we're NC and she's no part of my life) who tells him he's an ungrateful brat he's 50 What should he be grateful for? Being born, being fed? What about the emotional neglect and bullying that was in lieu of affection? Should he be grateful? He was an accidental pregnancy, a traumatic birth of a 10lb baby, and she probably had PND. But 50 years later maybe she should stop blaming him because she had sex. She blames him for all life choices from that point to now.

Your mother's life choices are entirely hers. Any reasonable person understands the concept of compromise. When you have children there is a compromise on other things as anyone with DC knows. Any regrets she has are again hers to own. Unfortunately IME people who do not understand this are unable to shift their perspective because their unreasonableness is personality-deep. All you can do is strengthen your own boundaries and maintain them.

Mostly FOG and some love. She can be nice and most conversations are ok. Plus I've moved halfway across a continent so it's not that bad really. Haven't seen her in person since 2019 because of Covid.

Well on the parents evening part, someone had to do it and she refused to. In her own words "I'm not going to sit there for ages to be embarrassed in front of all the other parents,your dad can do it.".

Like I said she only went to three meetings with the teachers . After one of them I got a brutal beating. I guess it's actually better dad did them,eh?

I think 20 or 30 years ago .having a Career was still seen as unusual if you were married with a child .Your Mum obv wanted a child ,but no one knows what its like to be a Mum until you are one! She sounds as though she met your physical needs (clean house,clothes and so on)whilst neglecting your emotional needs . Saying shit like she could have been promoted if it werent for you is unreasonable and cruel . What does your Dad say? I think older women can see opportunities that younger women have ,and the expectation that women can have Careers now with better CC in place .Many people look back and have regrets .Its easier to blame you ,than wonder why she didnt work harder or do better .Even if she hadnt adopted you she may still have been in the same place .I think she doesnt want to accept this and its easier to blame you .

Dad Attended all parent teacher meetings and other meetings with teachers(bar the 3 I mentioned).

So why do you worry your mum didn't attend parent teacher meetings if your dad covered it? Seems like a good way to do things. I really think you're holding your mum to a higher standard than your dad.

Sorry I see you were adopted, but same goes. My sister has 2 adopted children and both she and her husband have changed careers in order to look after them (my DN has physical and mental needs that are challenging). They do not blame my DNs for anything, it was their decision as adults to care for these children no matter what it took.

I'm sorry that you were treated so poorly, and still are being now.

Your mum sounds hard work, nasty actually.

If you decide to become a parent then you are making a decision (imo) to put that child first until they are an adult. So yeah, that'll mean some hard decisions or sacrifices, no shit sherlock. That's sort of a bare minimum.

Should a child ever have to feel responsible or guilty about decisions their parents made? Absolutely not.

It's your mum's issue, not yours OP.

The beating sounds horrific though. Sorry to hear it 💐

Of course her saying that is complete bs.
An excuse for her own failings.

She does sound neglectful.

Because she didn't attend because she didn't want to (rather than being busy,being at work etc) and said that to my face as a child.

Dad had his many many failings too , I can make a list about those too if you want. But he was there,he did try to parent (In the way I see parenting) and never blamed me for anything, or said how difficult I am/was, how I stopped him from all these amazing things etc. The few times he was ever abusive to me (very few,especially compared to mum )were always at the instigation of my mother. That is his major failing tbh and my relationship with him never recovered. I just distanced myself from him and ironically I also took mum's side when they argued and lashed out at him . Tbf I was probably too busy seeking my mum's approval to give him the time of day,while I (nearly) always had his.

A brutal beating sounds awful .You know you dont have to see her still?

She sounds unpleasant
and the relationship sounds profoundly unpleasant
I really wouldn’t care either way in your shoes

Do you have childen op?