To think that I'm not the reason why mum didn't get the promotion of a "lifetime"?

[ldontWanna]

My relationship with my mum isn't great. There are several issues there so it might be clouding my judgement. Normally I can ignore her usual bullshit but every now and then she comes up with something new that completely blindsides me.

The latest one is that she had the opportunity to go for a big promotion but she didn't feel like she couldn't because of me/having to look after me.

As a baby and toddler I was very difficult to look after ,I was quite sickly as well and they did struggle a lot with lack of childcare (I was left sometimes left alone sleeping for an hour or two since age 2)and circumstances,but this promotion was years after.

The thing is, I was a latchkey kid since I was 7. She'd wake me up when she left for work,I'd get dressed,make my bag and walk to school. Come back, eat something do homework and just entertain myself until she got home several hours later. She never helped with homework, only came to school 3 times in 12 years(and that's because dad couldn't make it), never organised playdates , I've never been to a dentist as a child, never had a birthday party,never read to me,never played with me .... you know all the things that take time,effort and account for mental load when you have kids.

She did take one promotion FOR ME apparently,because it meant regular shifts and being home in the afternoon. She did cook,clean, do chores and watch telly. I was either in my room or playing outside in the street and unless I sat with her to watch her shows I wouldn't even see her except at dinner.

Now she tells me she had this amazing opportunity,and she could've been somebody if it weren't for the fact that I needed looking after and she had to go away for courses for a few days in order to get it and she couldn't have possibly done that. Except she has done it for other courses and me and dad were fine. Well I was, no idea how dad felt about it.

AIBU to think it's absolute bullshit and that the mothering side was never that demanding for her to actually use it as a reason?

Where was your dad when you were being a latch key kid? Why is it only your mum getting it in the neck for this?

Oh well, we’re all allowed to look back and have some regrets. And just like everyone on here has plenty to moan about when it comes to their perception of how their parents ruined their lives, I’m sure their parents feel the same way from time to time.

The point is, OP, no one is a saint and no one has a perfect life.

DH and I made considerable sacrifices, both in terms of money, and for me career-wise in order to support our dc1 in her elite national-level training.

Would I ever blame her for my lack of career progression and shortage of finances? No I wouldn't. It was a choice we freely made.

Dad worked slightly longer hours. What did he do?

All the food shopping.
He cooked sometimes,especially at the weekends.
He cleaned (hoovered,made beds,straightened out my room)and did laundry, but never ironed.
Sorted out the big cupboards a few times a year and the clothes for season changed.
Polished all ours shoes(no idea why).
Dealt with all the paperwork, admin stuff,booking holidays(tbh this was easier for him as it was done through his work).
Attended all parent teacher meetings and other meetings with teachers(bar the 3 I mentioned).
Played with me or helped with homework sometimes , taught me how to read.
As I grew up he became more hands off with me as well, but I played a big part in this as I kinda withdrew from him and I was used to being on my own.

He wasn't a saint, pretty bog standard really, but he was an involved partner and parent.

Given your opening sentence, I'm guessing that your Mum is making some kind of (vindictive) point here about your obligations to her given what she has sacrificed for you.
You can never 'win' in this kind of relationship dynamic.
Everyone makes their own choices about parenting. Some choices are less free than others and societal issues around parenting shift over time.
Your Mum's choices are hers to own. It's not your responsibility to validate those or make reparations for those she blames you for in any way. That's parenting.
You might want to have a look at the Stately Homes threads, they might be helpful.
My advice is, find a way to deal with the lack of emotional support from your Mum as you grew up and find a way to reduce the impact she still has. Look up 'grey rock' if you're not already familiar with it.
Do you have any siblings?

I think she's making an excuse to herself for her career not progressing the way she hoped and perhaps she's not happy with her current financial situation?

Totally unreasonable of her though!!! Even if it were true you don't say it to your kids maybe vent to a friend.

Are you the scapegoat for all that is wrong in her life!

That sounds harsh OP, and pretty loveless. I bet you're very different with your DD.

It sounds like, as a previous poster has already said very well, that she feels the need to believe that she would've been successful.

I have children by my ex husband. I'm absolutely desperate to move, out of England entirely and see the world. But I can't whilst they're children because it would be very wrong to take them away from their father. Do I blame them for me not being able to live the life I dream of? Of course not! They didn't ask to be born, I made the decision to be their mother, and that means sitting tight until they're of an age where I can live my own life. I wouldn't dream of saying to them "I could've gone to wherever if it weren't for you!"

I'm sorry your Mum (and Dad to be fair) weren't better.

Your mum sounds like a self centred bore.
Her choice to be a parent. Sounds like she sucked at it, presumably your Dad too if both were happy to neglect you.
Sorry.
At least you've learned what's important.

She did a hell of a lot more for you than my mother did for me to be honest.

Let whatever she says go over your head. You have your own family now.

I agree with this, it sounds like she’s bitter for how her life turned out and she’s blaming you for her choices. And they were her active choices because no-one adopts a child accidentally.

I'm sure there are parents who are doing their best or who find out that parenting is nothing like how they expected it to be, but there’s no excuse for not giving a shit or consistently put thing themselves first

She did a hell of a lot more for you than my mother did for me to be honest.

Its not a competition.

She's blaming you for being born. I'd tell her to knock it off or you'll happily get on with uou life and she can get on with yours without you in it.

Because she's the one complaining that things she never did stood in the way of her success.

I'm not complaining about being left alone, not even when it bordered on neglect . What I don't get is what exactly stopped her that had to do with my care since I was on my own a lot and by 9 learned how to regularly feed myself as well.

*hers

I know it's becoming increasingly common for posters to say 'sounds like a narcissist to me' but in this case ...

She sounds like she's blaming you for what in her mind was a wrong decision, when in reality she was the one to make the choice at the time and must take full responsibility for it. It's a really easy thing to look back at the past and say if only I'd have done this my life would have been perfect. But the trouble is it wouldn't have been, it would have been just another decision leading to a slightly different future.

So, she's a crap mum and a liar. Or delusional.

What are you going to do?

Because you know, you never have to have another conversation with her ever again if you don't want to. And that's ok.

Nope only(adopted) kid. That's also my fault as I was such a difficult baby/toddler and their situation was really rough, including no parental leave for adoption. On that one I agree with her assessment, it would've been fucking difficult to adopt another and by the time I was older and it was more manageable I suspect they didn't want to start all over again, which is fair enough.

OP I have not experience of this so apologies if I'm misspeaking. I wonder whether in part this stems from the idea (I hope now old fashioned and relegated to the past) that adopted children ought to somehow be more grateful.

Either way it doesn't sound nice for you.

She shouldn't have told you or blamed you but it's possible having a DC did impact on her ability to attend courses or seek promotion. Even if it's true - that's not your fault.
I notice you're scathing about her not attending parents evening or helping with homework but your dad did both. Why would you need both parents to do it? It seems they split tasks and you resent that your mum wasn't more 'maternal' and didn't carry the familiar wife work burden. You have no idea of the conversations or negotiations between them about who worked when or who did what. Perhaps your dad looked after you to facilitate some parts of your mum's career but wouldn't facilitate others including this promotion.
Presumably you're both adults now so she is speaking to you as an adult not blaming a child at the time. But you're responding as a child who felt unimportant and unprioritised. This conversation is just a symptom of your relationship with each other.

I know but I can't. :)

The FOG is immensely strong plus there is some live there too. I've accepted a long time ago this is who she is and how she is, and I'm used to most of her crap and definitely grey rock it. It's just sometimes she comes with something new,completely out of the blue and it throws me in the most wtf ways.

I do live in a different country now so it's easier to keep the distance and let it was over me even if we do talk nearly every week day. It's on my list of afternoon chores.

I could write pages with all the things that happened and no would say I am being unreasonable, but I didn't want this to be about that. Just this claim and see if I was missing/not seeing something. Some hidden parenting aspects that actually would've prevented her from doing this. Because the ones you can see.. they weren't happening.

She sounds absolutely shit. Was she even offered a promotion or is she just making some weird excuses for why she didn't progress at work

I think it’s absolute bullshit to lay any kind of blame at the feet of literal children for how your life turned out as an adult.

My mum used to say stuff like this occasionally when I was still a kid (“do you know what I gave up to have kids/ I could have done [x] if I didn’t have kids”). It’s rubbish.

No it's not but it is a bit of a pity party.

She very likely did. She was very very good at her job,great reputation,worked hard and well and was well respected. She also advanced quite a bit. I can't fault her on her career or work ethic.