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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorced parents at wedding

92 replies

Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 13:59

Me and DFiancee getting married next month. My parents are divorced 12 years and not seen nor spoken to one another in this time. Mentioned it to my mum and she is furious that I've invited him and said she will ignore him all day and won't be in any photos etc with him. Anyone else had this situation and it been ok?

OP posts:
Blarting · 01/05/2022 14:04

I haven't had it, but I've experienced sone relatives acting like this. I'm really sorry but it don't ruin the brides day and the people involved should be thoroughly ashamed on themselves. Except the winner (the DF) is happy he won, as the DM left the wedding early.

No winners in this situation, just upset for the bride.

Sorry your DM has started to ruin your day already.

Blarting · 01/05/2022 14:04

Should say it did ruin

RealBecca · 01/05/2022 14:07

I'd tell her I'm sorry that she will be so upset but if she cant cope for one day then you understand and she needs to stay away for her own sanity.

Like fuck would I have a parent dictating who comes to my wedding by acting up with drama. Set the tone now or you'll be pandering all day and shell use you to point score and show your dad how much more important she is.

Nip. It. In. The. Bud.

nearlyspringyay · 01/05/2022 14:08

Had the same. Wanted a circular Too table but had to go with a traditional line, mil at one end fil the other. They didn't speak to each other at all. Sympathies.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2022 14:09

I've been to a couple of wedding where the Mother of the bride or groom ruined the whole day due to your exact circumstances. They divorced, never got over it, and made everything on the day about themselves. It was awful.

I would be seriously reconsidering having a wedding if I were you. You already know how your mother is going to be, and she will only get worse as the day approaches. Fuck that. Elope and save yourself the nightmare.

FinnRussell · 01/05/2022 14:11

My parents have been like this. Do not pander to it. Invite who you want to be with you on YOUR day. If they are able to behave like grown ups they can come.

Cuddlemuffin · 01/05/2022 14:11

Yes, lita of divorces in our family, grandparents, parents, aunties and uncles etc. So its come up a few times. Both parents always attend weddings but aren't expected to sit next to each other. This has been okay in our family. For my wedding I asked my mum if she wanted to invite a friend to sit with her for the day as my dad brought his second wife. That seemed to help. I think you need to be clear about expectations. You are not asking for permission as to who is allowed at your wedding. It's a case of x,y andz will be coming and I hope you can be civil so that we can enjoy our wedding day. If they can't then they don't attend x

Ilikewinter · 01/05/2022 14:11

My parents are divorced and dont speak to each other, however they both acted liked grown adults and just got on with it - yes it felt awkward seeing them together but they did it for me.

I would be nipping this in the bud now and make it clear that your wish is to have your parents there - its then their choice

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 01/05/2022 14:12

I was the bride's mother in this situation. I do not speak to my ex at all now, for very good reasons which my children know about and respect.

My daughter handled it by recognising the situation and allowing for it. We were not thrown together for pictures, there was no top table thing, and we were seated out of each others' range of view.

I did not ask for any of this. Whatever my daughter had asked me to do on the day I would have done without complaint. But she did what she could to make the event comfortable for her dad and me.

It was one of the most fun, enjoyable weddings I've ever attended, so it can work. But your mum needs to behave, and it would help if you don't expect too much of her beyond good behaviour.

Cuddlemuffin · 01/05/2022 14:13

Having said that my mum did somehow believe that day was all about her and on retrospect if I had done it how I wanted it I would have just eloped. Would have been far less stressful! Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

SenecaFallsRedux · 01/05/2022 14:20

But your mum needs to behave, and it would help if you don't expect too much of her beyond good behaviour.

This is the key, I think. My parents had a very frosty relationship post-divorce, but they managed to come to all of the important events in my life and the lives of my children. But I took into account their relationship in planning, so they didn't sit near each other; they weren't in photos together, etc. Maybe if you reassure your mother that you will take her feelings into account in the planning, she may feel better about the situation.

IggyAce · 01/05/2022 14:28

DH is a wedding photographer, so has dealt with this on occasion, please let your photographer know of the conflict and they will be happy to ensure they aren’t asked to be in the same photo.

OatmilkandCookies · 01/05/2022 14:32

I got married before my parents horrible separation thankfully, but if one of my DBs were to get married I would be worried about my mum being difficult. I'd give her a very firm talk about how this day is not about her and that if she can't conduct herself with dignity for you and your DFiancee's sakes, then although you will miss her there you will understand. I know this sounds harsh but it will help her to gather her thoughts and give her time to prepare.
If you're happy doing separate photos, that's one issue but after a few drinks might she start to cause drama?

Original poster
Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 14:34

Thanks for the replies, it's helps already that I'm not alone in this situation. No top table, I'll be sitting with my new husband and my bridesmaids and his groomsmen and my parents will be sat at seperate tables. Will make sure the photographer knows. In hindsight we probably should just have eloped but it's too late for that now and not fair on fiancee who wants all his family to share in our day. I just feel bad that my mum will probably be miserable all day but i think previous posters are right, I just need to manage my expectations and get on with it. She wouldn't cause a scene or anything it's more the feeling of animosity I feel bad about as I want everyone to have a nice time.

OP posts:
rustycarpet · 01/05/2022 14:42

If they are going to behave like children treat them like such. I was very clear on my expectations of their behaviour. Tell them you won't forgive bad behaviour (doesn't matter who started it etc).
It was fine at my wedding in the end but I did a lot of ground work in the run up. They knew if they made a scene/atmosphere etc I wouldn't forgive. I didn't expect them to interact. They were in one large family photo together I think but obviously stood far apart!

Blarting · 01/05/2022 14:43

Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 14:34

Thanks for the replies, it's helps already that I'm not alone in this situation. No top table, I'll be sitting with my new husband and my bridesmaids and his groomsmen and my parents will be sat at seperate tables. Will make sure the photographer knows. In hindsight we probably should just have eloped but it's too late for that now and not fair on fiancee who wants all his family to share in our day. I just feel bad that my mum will probably be miserable all day but i think previous posters are right, I just need to manage my expectations and get on with it. She wouldn't cause a scene or anything it's more the feeling of animosity I feel bad about as I want everyone to have a nice time.

You are not in control of how your mother feels, she is, you can provide all the tools for her to enjoy the day, but ultimately it's up to her to enjoy it.

Good luck.

girlmom21 · 01/05/2022 14:45

Did your DM not expect him to be invited?

Loobyloo68 · 01/05/2022 14:49

My daughter got married last year, she had her father and stepfather walk her down the aisle, as much as I dont like her dad, it was her day and everything was fine.

Beggingforsleep · 01/05/2022 14:55

My parents were like this and it ended up being fine. Got some photos but actually what we should have done was get photos with my parents and DH’s parents for it to be less awkward.

I let my mum invite a few of her friends to help. She was very nervous. My dad left pretty early on in the night. It was probably awkward for them on the day but I didn’t notice as I was so busy. They didn’t speak to each other but no one noticed, everyone else was also too busy catching up and having fun.

thinking back there were a couple of difficult moments. My mum stayed the night at mine the night before and got arsey that I was travelling to the wedding with my dad so flounced off with the bridesmaids. My dad hid behind a car till she had left to come in to my home. But I had to dig deep for that memory. Hard at the time but def hasn’t overshadowed the day.

it’ll be fine. Just remember it’s your day and to ignore it and have fun.

Three years later they met again at my DDs first birthday. I saw them have a very short conversation and I was so happy I cried. Four years on and they’ve never met again.

lunar1 · 01/05/2022 15:03

Why did they divorce?

stopringingme · 01/05/2022 15:21

Before our Wedding 25years ago I spoke to my MIL as she hates DH's Dad, she was being nasty about him and I just said if she cannot behave on the day of our wedding then she does not have to come, I also said the same to FIL. I was not having our day ruined by their petty comments from a divorce many years before and I knew they would not miss their son's wedding.

Photos - they did stand with my parents and us to have a picture taken.

They both had different partners and we let them invite friends to the day and evening and I had my Mum sit next to FIL on top table and my Dad next to MIL so they were the farthest away from each other and the reception venue which MIL's partner ran was big enough to avoid each other.

In the church MIL made sure she got the front pew and FIL sat behind, she was happy with that !

lljkk · 01/05/2022 15:21

Minefield, isn't it. If your mother doesn't have an alcoholic tantrum missing the wedding rehearsal and causing you to make backup plans about who walks you down the aisle : she's done better than mine.

coodawoodashooda · 01/05/2022 15:27

My kids are very young. I divorced their father for mental abuse. I have already decided that I won't attend any event they, as adults, organise if they invite him. Im raising them with almost no financial support from him. He's nasty to them in a very discreet manner. It's not about 'being adult' it's about surviving after abuse.

alltheteeshirts · 01/05/2022 15:35

Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 13:59

Me and DFiancee getting married next month. My parents are divorced 12 years and not seen nor spoken to one another in this time. Mentioned it to my mum and she is furious that I've invited him and said she will ignore him all day and won't be in any photos etc with him. Anyone else had this situation and it been ok?

What kind of relationship have you had with both of them in the last 12 years, and have they both been aware of it?

If you've been regularly seeing your dad in the last 12 years, it shouldn't be a surprise you've invited him.

Fantina · 01/05/2022 15:43

It is really interesting to me, as someone newly divorced, that only one or two posters have asked why they got divorced. My ex husband was incredibly abusive and although some of this was witnessed by our children, most was not.

I have no wish to ever see him again and whilst I would NEVER cause a scene at their future big events, I will not be doing anything above being civil and would much prefer to be able to avoid talking to him at all. Although actually it’s him who should feel awkward as all of the family and (adult) friends in my DC’s lives are there because of their connection to me not him.