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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorced parents at wedding

92 replies

Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 13:59

Me and DFiancee getting married next month. My parents are divorced 12 years and not seen nor spoken to one another in this time. Mentioned it to my mum and she is furious that I've invited him and said she will ignore him all day and won't be in any photos etc with him. Anyone else had this situation and it been ok?

OP posts:
Time2ChangeName · 01/05/2022 15:44

He’s your father. Tell your mother that although you appreciate that she doesn’t like your father anymore all you need is civility as what she is proposing would make your wedding day memorable for all the wrong reasons. It’s not about her, after 12 years she needs to grow up.

LightningAndRainbows · 01/05/2022 15:46

Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 13:59

Me and DFiancee getting married next month. My parents are divorced 12 years and not seen nor spoken to one another in this time. Mentioned it to my mum and she is furious that I've invited him and said she will ignore him all day and won't be in any photos etc with him. Anyone else had this situation and it been ok?

Tell her if she's going to have a face on all day she might as well not come. Though I would seek to reassure her she won't be expected to sit by him or be in photos with him.

Marvellousmadness · 01/05/2022 15:53

Tell her to grow the hell up
Seriously... after 12 years?? She shouldnt have mentioned her feelings. This is YOUR day. She has to suck it up for 1 day. And if thats too much to ask?...

Bunny2021 · 01/05/2022 15:54

We had a non-traditional round top table, with bridesmaids, best man, master of ceremonies and a couple of groomsmen. The divorced in laws were on different tables on opposite sides of the room. It was great as we had a table with our friends, rather than family because we had to - much more fun!

We just did photos separately with each of them.

Ultimately, this day is about you and your fiancé - your DM needs to be grown up enough to let it go for your sake. I’d suggest having a word with her - say you understand how she feels but this is about you and your love and for the sake of one day, please can she be civil.

theremustonlybeone · 01/05/2022 15:59

well unless your father was an abuser, left her for OW and he has been a shit parent to you...and I mean where your mum was left to raise you, he didnt see you very often and fought about CMS then she i BU

gogohm · 01/05/2022 16:16

Tell them to grow up, particularly your mother in this case! I'm split from exh but we can behave in the same room, he even stops for a cup of tea when we do dog handovers (kids have cars Grin). Thankfully dp gets on with exh and I get on with dp's exw, they aren't people we socialise with but we can be polite and friendly for the sake of our children

Maytodecember · 01/05/2022 16:17

And if the mum and child do somehow fall through the net is there a way you could drop in a card/gift with a note in Ukrainian giving your number if they have any problems? It’s horrible to think of traumatised people being housed where they may suffer more trauma.

Maytodecember · 01/05/2022 16:17

Sorry, wrong thread!!!!

KatieB55 · 01/05/2022 16:27

I went to a wedding where the divorced parents of the bride didn't speak to each other and it was quite uncomfortable. But also been to weddings where it has been well managed as mentioned above.

Change123today · 01/05/2022 16:36

Don’t pander to it. I got married some 20 years ago. My parents at that point had only divorced for a few years and both I know where nervous behaved themselves and all ok. My in laws had be divorced for around 25 years at that point and the fuss she created that we had invited his Dad and the step mother and brothers/sisters - the fact that they had been part of my husbands life for some 20+ years completely lost on her - she wanted our day to be all about her. We both spoke to her and said while I understand her issues - they where hers and if she was going to even make our day about her she would not be welcome. she came and behaved.

You need to have these discussions now as there will be a lifetime of family events - I won’t not invite one set of parents over the other. Both have been involved in birthdays and other important occasions. I do understand my mil hates her ex husband - some 45 years after divorce still is bitter. But that isn’t my issue and I have no problem with FIL and step family - so I won’t exclude them from my childrens life.

SenecaFallsRedux · 01/05/2022 17:05

You need to have these discussions now as there will be a lifetime of family events

This is so true. Through the years, after navigating my wedding with divorced parents, it was christenings, graduations, and then the weddings of my children, and the christenings of my grandchildren. It's a good idea to establish your expectations of behavior as early as possible. Also, I'm happy to report that as the years wore on, my parents actually got to the point that they would have a polite chat or two at these events.

Ponderingwindow · 01/05/2022 17:13

Unless he abused your mother, she should be able to be in the same room with him for a day.

This scenario is going to play out again and again. Grandchildren’s birthdays aren’t impossible to manage because your parents can coordinate with one leaving early and one coincidentally arriving just a few minutes later. There will be things like graduations and weddings where that strategy won’t work.

Greenpolkadot · 01/05/2022 17:17

When my daughter got married i sat in the top table with my ex husband on one side of me and my actual husband on the other side,
Everyone got on well,We had some real laughs and the husbands bought each other drinks and both made speeches,

TokyoTen · 01/05/2022 17:39

Assuming that your DF has not done something outrageous to your DM (physical violence, attempted murder,) then I'd be expect your DM to be reasonable and not cause drama. Neither of them can expect you to cut the other out entirely.

I think you need to establish the boundaries now and show her you aren't engaging - otherwise you are running the risk of having to deal with all her drama on your wedding day. If she mentions it again a sharp "I understand you don't like it, but all I'm asking if for you to be civil on the day, nothing more". Don't engage about why he's coming, can you cancel him off the list, all the what if's she may raise etc. Just repeat you expect civility and leave it at that. If she says she can't possibly come tell her "I'm disappointed but if that's how you feel of course I'll go with it" and calmly leave it at that.

Tlollj · 01/05/2022 17:50

I hate my ex utterly hate him.
At my son’s wedding I didn’t speak to him all day, didn’t sit near him, didn’t have any photos with him.
Just ignored each other.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/05/2022 18:02

She’s an adult She should be able to be civil for a day. Your special day

this needs to be nipped in the bud as will be lots of occasions both will be there esp if have kids, christenings, birthdays etc

she doesn’t have to sit with him or even chat to him but no need to throw evil glances his way either

unless he abused her

buf assume you @Animallover87 have a good relationship with dad hence why want him there

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 01/05/2022 18:12

To those of you saying a mum in this situation should grow up, suck it up and behave for the day....
It is a courtesy/convention here on MN to include a TW in the header where the post might describe triggering abuse.
Why, then, expect someone in RL to be able to endure spending time in the same room as someone who abused them when describing that abuse to someone the other end of the internet would warrant supersensitivity?
Not saying or assuming the mother here was abused, but some posters don't enen seem to be allowing for that possibility. Or, even worse, think mum should get over herself for the sake of not ruining The Big Day.

Original poster
Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 18:19

A bit of backstory, he cheated on her multiple times with various women while I was a child. They didn't split up until I was an adult though. He also has a temper and can be aggressive (he threw a slipper at her once during an argument). Not excusing his behaviour at all, I didn't speak to him for about five years in the thick of the divorce. In the last seven years we have got back on track and he has been a really good dad to me. He always was when I was a kid too. I chose to forgive him for myself as I didn't want to hold onto bitterness and anger about the situation. She is absolutely consumed with bitterness and says he ruined her life. We haven't spoken about him in all this time until now so she didn't necessarily know we had a relationship.

OP posts:
Lunificent · 01/05/2022 18:23

Given your update, I can see why she’s upset. He treated your mum appallingly and now on a day that should bring her joy, she will have to see him and relive his cruelty.
Could you have a frank chat with your dad about it and see if he would compromise e.g. just do the ceremony?

CornishGem1975 · 01/05/2022 18:24

I'd be telling my mum to a) grow up and b) she's welcome not to attend if it bothers her that much.

Honestly, I have no time at all for this type of bullshit.

AskingforaBaskin · 01/05/2022 18:27

Even with the update your mum needs to suck it up. This isn't about her and she needs to deal with it

Original poster
Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 18:27

I know. I think I just thought that so much time had passed that things would have mellowed a bit. She remarried 8 years ago but unfortunately her husband passes away a few years later. I wouldn't have worried at all if he was still alive and she wouldn't have been so upset about this wedding if he was there with her. I feel like I've got carried away planning this wedding and assuming everything was gonna be ok.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 01/05/2022 18:31

I don't blame her at all given your update. If its important to you to have the man there that behaved appallingly to her, including violence then you have to gracefully accept that she doesn't want to go.

She doesn't have to forgive him, or spend time with him if she isn't comfortable.

Bythepath · 01/05/2022 18:35

My MIL hates my FIL and finds any excuse to get a dig in about him even though they divorced almost 40 years ago. But, on our wedding day, and that of DH's 2 siblings they were both great, were in photos, chatted, sat wherever they were asked and made no fuss at all. They did the same at all kids Christenings. Its one day, its not about them, for their child they love they should be able to be civil.

harriethoyle · 01/05/2022 18:35

YANBU and your mum needs to suck it up. Affairs and a flying slipper do not entitle her to expect you to cut your father out of your wedding. Please don't let her emotionally blackmail you.