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Original poster

Divorced parents at wedding

92 replies

Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 13:59

Me and DFiancee getting married next month. My parents are divorced 12 years and not seen nor spoken to one another in this time. Mentioned it to my mum and she is furious that I've invited him and said she will ignore him all day and won't be in any photos etc with him. Anyone else had this situation and it been ok?

OP posts:
Mommabear20 · 01/05/2022 18:43

Had this situation with my parents, told them both that it was our day and I expected them both to be there and be civil. They would be seated separately but photos were non negotiable. If they didn't feel they could come under those conditions then they were free to stay away

Missillusioned · 01/05/2022 18:45

Well she hasn't actually said she will make a scene. She's just said she won't speak to him or be in photos with him. I think that's fair enough. All those saying about the amicable relationship they or their parents have with ex partners are not in the same position as your mum who seems to have had a lot of mental abuse from your father.

Original poster
Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 18:48

Missillusioned · 01/05/2022 18:45

Well she hasn't actually said she will make a scene. She's just said she won't speak to him or be in photos with him. I think that's fair enough. All those saying about the amicable relationship they or their parents have with ex partners are not in the same position as your mum who seems to have had a lot of mental abuse from your father.

I know, you're right. I don't expect her to talk to him or be in photos or do anything she doesn't want to do, I understand. I'm just a bit gutted she's made it clear the day will be miserable for her.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 01/05/2022 18:51

Missillusioned · 01/05/2022 18:45

Well she hasn't actually said she will make a scene. She's just said she won't speak to him or be in photos with him. I think that's fair enough. All those saying about the amicable relationship they or their parents have with ex partners are not in the same position as your mum who seems to have had a lot of mental abuse from your father.

She can stand on one side of her daughter and he can stand on the other side and fake a smile.
She can stand in a photo with all of the guests.
Point blank refusing to be in the same photo a month before the wedding is just silly.

Nobody's asking her to slow dance with him or share a meal.

Blossomtoes · 01/05/2022 18:56

Such childish behaviour. At my stepson’s wedding both sets of parents were divorced, three out of four remarried. We all managed to be civilised with one another.

tillytown · 01/05/2022 19:22

If she doesn't want to take photos with her abusive cheating ex husband then she doesn't have too, I don't see how her explaining that to you now instead of on the day is her acting childish

dontyoubother · 01/05/2022 19:29

Yep been there. In the end I sat down separately with both my parents and more or less said "I know you were badly hurt, but do you realise that the reason we haven't got married yet is because of you two making it difficult?". They both changed their tune when confronted with just how much their behaviour was impacting the rest of us. They went for a coffee. All amicable enough on the day after that. I never ever thought I would see them in the same room again. Can you talk to them really openly and sensitively explain how tricky it's making things?

PeaceLurking9to5 · 01/05/2022 19:33

Have you made her feel HEARD?

She believes he ruined her life, have you just once sat with her and asked her how she wanted things to turn out. Listen. Nod. Understand. Sympathise.

My children's father is an arsehole. I could be at a wedding with him present but only because my family knows what he did, who he is and that im not bitter. That helps me be around him.

Ponderingwindow · 01/05/2022 19:37

Expecting her to deal with someone who cheated on her years ago is ok.

expecting her to be in the same place with someone who was physically aggressive is entirely different. she shouldn’t have to see someone who assaulted her. I think you might need to go back to your mother and find out if you really know the full story.

RoisinD · 01/05/2022 19:40

tillytown · 01/05/2022 19:22

If she doesn't want to take photos with her abusive cheating ex husband then she doesn't have too, I don't see how her explaining that to you now instead of on the day is her acting childish

This, alongside the fact she hasn't known you have been having a relationship with your father for a number of years. Why leave it until now to tell her? Bound to stir up lots of bad memories.

RishiRich · 01/05/2022 19:49

I'm the mum in a similar situation - DD has an important event next week and her dad and all his side of the family will be there. I have been sick several times in the stress of the lead-up just thinking about being in the same room as him. I don't know how long I will be able to stay.

I had years of counselling to work through the abuse he inflicted on me and its after-effects. I've had to go to court to get a non-molestation order to get him to leave me alone after I divorced him. We have no direct contact at all and everything to do with the DC is arranged through a third party. Of course he doesn't bother paying child maintenance.

I don't think your DM is unreasonable to say that she doesn't want anything to do with your DF at the wedding. It doesn't mean she's going to make a scene. As an adult, you are aware of how he treated her and can surely plan the day to make her as comfortable as possible, just as you would accommodate the needs of any of your guests.

AskingforaBaskin · 01/05/2022 20:03

PeaceLurking9to5 · 01/05/2022 19:33

Have you made her feel HEARD?

She believes he ruined her life, have you just once sat with her and asked her how she wanted things to turn out. Listen. Nod. Understand. Sympathise.

My children's father is an arsehole. I could be at a wedding with him present but only because my family knows what he did, who he is and that im not bitter. That helps me be around him.

That is not the OPs burden to carry.

chiangmai · 01/05/2022 20:18

I dont think anyone understands the trauma that can be inflicted during a relationship. I was never planning to invite my father to my wedding, he was an abuser both physically and emotionally to my mother and in truth on relfection to me and my sisters never mind the affairs. The impact on the family growing up has left us all damaged. You say you have forgiven him- thats great ( i take it he didnt fight to see you during the years you didnt see him?) your mum doesnt need to forgive him, she obviously has unresolved issues and thats the way it is, She isnt going to enjoy your wedding but you can have a great time knowing the one person who was with you during those difficult years isnt whilst your dad gets to walk you down the aisle and feel bloody splendid. My dad has never had that experience with any of us as he doesnt deserve it. But hey ho you can minimise your mothers past and emotions relating to this by suggesting it was some affairs and throwing a slipper. (i am sure there is a lot more) hope it doesnt happen to you with your husband to be

Romana8 · 01/05/2022 20:52

This is such an unpleasant and unhelpful comment. The OP has chosen to forgive her dad and has forged a positive relationship with him. She has every right to have him at her wedding and it is clearly important on her. Should she be forced to not have her dad at her own wedding and be miserable? She’s already accommodated her parents not having to be together by not having a top table and warning the photographer about photos

Fireflygal · 01/05/2022 20:58

Women who don't recover enough to attend events with the ex after abusive relationships are labelled bitter when it's likely to be PTSD. Some ex spouses have caused trauma so it isn't a case of her just moving on.

Speak to your mum, have empathy but if she has support, someone to be with her, she should be able to get through the day for your sake. She shouldn't have to have photos with him as physical proximity might be a trigger for her.

Original poster
Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 20:59

chiangmai · 01/05/2022 20:18

I dont think anyone understands the trauma that can be inflicted during a relationship. I was never planning to invite my father to my wedding, he was an abuser both physically and emotionally to my mother and in truth on relfection to me and my sisters never mind the affairs. The impact on the family growing up has left us all damaged. You say you have forgiven him- thats great ( i take it he didnt fight to see you during the years you didnt see him?) your mum doesnt need to forgive him, she obviously has unresolved issues and thats the way it is, She isnt going to enjoy your wedding but you can have a great time knowing the one person who was with you during those difficult years isnt whilst your dad gets to walk you down the aisle and feel bloody splendid. My dad has never had that experience with any of us as he doesnt deserve it. But hey ho you can minimise your mothers past and emotions relating to this by suggesting it was some affairs and throwing a slipper. (i am sure there is a lot more) hope it doesnt happen to you with your husband to be

He did fight to see me during those years. I held out though out of loyalty to my mum. He's always tried to be a good dad to me. They got back together briefly about 10 years ago and that's why I started talking to him again as she wanted me to so they could make it work and then he ended it again and she was devastated. But by that point I was getting on better with him and I've had a relationship with him ever since. What you've said though is what I'm worried about, have I totally messed up in expecting them both to be there? Do you have any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 21:02

Romana8 · 01/05/2022 20:52

This is such an unpleasant and unhelpful comment. The OP has chosen to forgive her dad and has forged a positive relationship with him. She has every right to have him at her wedding and it is clearly important on her. Should she be forced to not have her dad at her own wedding and be miserable? She’s already accommodated her parents not having to be together by not having a top table and warning the photographer about photos

Thank you. This is how I felt about it too and went ahead and booked the wedding. But now I don't know if I've done the right thing and it's too late to change it now anyway.

OP posts:
ToastedCrumpetwithCheese · 01/05/2022 21:18

Honestly, have a chat with your mum. Listen to her concerns and what she might (or might not) be able to do. Only then will you know what the expectations for the day can be. Hopefully with some discussion and compromises, you can have a day that is as easy as possible for your mum. Could she bring a friend for example? Or could she go early if she needed to? Or is she worried about something else? Only by chatting to her will you know.

I was exceptionally lucky that my dad wasn't abusive and my mum worked very hard after their divorce to forge a civil relationship with him as she thought there might be a day when one of us would get married. I took their lead on what the arrangements would be on the day.

chiangmai · 01/05/2022 21:20

Animallover87 I would talk take your mum out for dinner and discuss what you can do to make the day more enjoyable for her ( obviously stating your dad not being there isnt helpful) as for the wedding ensure your mum is made to feel engaged with the build up, getting ready, photos, do something nice on the day - maybe let her do a little speech or just a litte gesture just a little something ( i appreciate the day isnt about your mum but its one day that if it all goes tits up can affect you going forward.) If you have siblings make sure they are given tasks to keep an eye out on mum so your not stressed on your wedding day.

Another choice is telling your mum she isnt welcome given she is creating upset for you. That would not be an unusual suggestion on MN.

I clearly find this an emotional subject and I dont agree that your mum should grow up and somehow forget her emotional experience. Not everyone can switch off for a day and seeing a person who caused a lot of stress is a trigger. I will never judge my mother ever. My dad was great with me until he pissed off and chose to see us once a year, always made me feel like a special girl on the rare occassions we saw him which was usually him turning up univited. A girl always wants the love of there dad and i havent recovered from the lack of it from my own. When your older you will look back and reflect on your life and your attitude towards your parents will change. Thats life....

2pinkginsplease · 01/05/2022 21:23

Your mum needs to pull up her big girl pants and act like an adult. Be civilised, it’s your special day and any mum would want their child to have the most amazing wedding day without worrying about guests,.

my friends mil caused a huge scene and delayed dinner and speeches and then ate her dinner in her room due to her coming face to face with grooms dad who she had separated from when the kids were teenagers. A total over reaction and ended up with everyone talking about her. She put a dampener on their day.

PeaceLurking9to5 · 02/05/2022 20:15

AskingforaBaskin · 01/05/2022 20:03

That is not the OPs burden to carry.

Show quote history

Is it a burden though? Or a solution.

In any adult relationship i would want the other person to feel HEARD

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 02/05/2022 20:35

What's all this HEARD bollocks about all of a sudden 😏

Well as she got back together with him 10 years ago it doesn't sound like trauma, more upset that he finished it again

She doesn't have to speak to him but she shouldn't be making your wedding all about her

User0836shdhfjf · 02/05/2022 20:36

It is really really tricky OP.
Do you or your DH have a good looking, charming male friend who would be happy to look after your Mum for the wedding, as she has sadly lost her partner and (understandably) hates the sight of your DF? Perhaps someone with divorced parents themselves who understands and would want someone to do the same for his mum?

If she feels someone has her back, it might make all the difference.

Also, can you trust your Dad to leave her well alone and turn swiftly round and head the other way if he realizes he is getting anywhere near her?

Slightly similar family dynamics - we just couldn't be doing with it all. Eloped.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/05/2022 21:19

The fact she forgave him for the affairs and tried again 10yrs ago, to me means she wasn’t as traumatised as she is making out

she was fine with him till he dumped her

it is one day. Your day. They can both be there. But not sit together or be together in pics etx

make sure she knows that

make sure your dad knows not to go near her even to say hello

RedHelenB · 02/05/2022 21:27

Animallover87 · 01/05/2022 13:59

Me and DFiancee getting married next month. My parents are divorced 12 years and not seen nor spoken to one another in this time. Mentioned it to my mum and she is furious that I've invited him and said she will ignore him all day and won't be in any photos etc with him. Anyone else had this situation and it been ok?

I'd run with it. You can have separate photos and the important thing is both parents are there. There will be plenty of other people for them to talk to