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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate his furniture

56 replies

Olive180 · 01/05/2022 13:01

I moved in with DP (he's 34, I'm 33) about a year ago. He owns the flat, has lived there for 6 years, and his best guy friend lived with him as a lodger for about 3 years. The flat is very.. bachelor pad. It's sparse. All white and grey walls and very basic, functional furniture. A lot of the furniture is from Next, John Lewis and IKEA, and despite a lot of it being originally quite expensive, it's all very tacky looking. Think chrome and shiny black/white plastic covered mdf. He hasn't changed or added anything decor or furniture wise since he moved in. (Which is obviously totally fine).

I've tried suggesting updating a few bits to make it look more homely and grown up (and less tacky/teenage boy) but he refuses, says it's his furniture and he likes it. Aibu to go out and buy a few things as a suggestion? (With my own money). The coffee table especially annoys me as it's that super cheap one from Ikea, with really sharp corners, and it's a dust trap (and pretty much only ever dusted by me). I think ultimately he can't be bothered to do the shopping/looking on marketplaces part.

OP posts:
MammaWeasel · 01/05/2022 13:04

His flat, his taste, his prerogative imo.

worraliberty · 01/05/2022 13:07

Aibu to go out and buy a few things as a suggestion? (With my own money)

But then surely your next thread will be "What can I do with all the furniture I bought that my boyfriend doesn't like?"

I think ultimately he's being selfish to ask you to move in with him, so the home becomes yours too but you're not allowed to put your own 'stamp' on it.

You really need to tell him this is not on.

KangarooKenny · 01/05/2022 13:08

He’s already said no, and it’s his flat, so why would disregard what he said. Get your own flat and decorate it as you like.

worraliberty · 01/05/2022 13:09

MammaWeasel · 01/05/2022 13:04

His flat, his taste, his prerogative imo.

Yes but their home now.

It's selfish to have it all one person's way.

SwedishEdith · 01/05/2022 13:12

I'd just start buying stuff. Chances are he may not really notice. But by criticising it and sounding like a bit of a snob you've put his back up and he'll be defensive.

Fedupsotired · 01/05/2022 13:16

This is like my dh. He bought this sofa about a year before I moved in and I always hated it (he bought the colour to suit the wallpaper that was already there even though he didn't like it 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣). Gradually I added bits and pieces but he was happy for me to do this as he wanted it to be my home too.

We were stuck with the bloody thing for 15 years (although I must say it was practical with the children as it was leather). When we moved house we changed to a sofa we both liked!

MotherOfCrocodiles · 01/05/2022 13:17

Depends if you are living in his flat, or you have moved in together and happen to be in a flat he already owned. How does he see it?

For what it's worth I could not have lived with my DH stuff- similar taste to your DP- but we started off together in a new place. Even then I couldn't have it the way I would have chosen on my own, despite my excellent taste ☹️

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/05/2022 13:19

Well before you go rushing off to buy things, surely you need to sit down and discuss matters such as, do you help with the mortgage, is your name going on it, is it somewhere he will be selling to help fund a place of your own or will he rent it out?.

Ideally you want to have things you both like, you certainly can't just force your views on him. Likewise if he had moved in with you he couldn't force his views on you.

SeemsSoUnfair · 01/05/2022 13:19

If you have lived together for a year then time to assess your relationship. Will you remain as "moved into his flat" forever? When does/will it ever change to you both setting home together as equal partners. Have you discussed marriage /children?

Possibly moving into a home you have equally invested in might be the best step. I couldnt live somewhere where I was classed a longer with no say on something like a coffee table.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 01/05/2022 13:23

Not unreasonable to hate it

A bit unreasonable to change it, IMO.

tortadicarote · 01/05/2022 13:24

If you live together, I think it's fair that you get to have some of the furniture in your style. Adults who cohabitate need to compromise, though I agree that criticising --his taste the furniture that's already there probably isn't the most diplomatic approach.

balalake · 01/05/2022 13:27

Getting new things seems reasonable, disposing of things he bought perhaps not.

I hope his taste in decor and furniture is the only area of life where he has not grown up.

Sciurus83 · 01/05/2022 13:28

Don't assume it's because he can't bebothered. When you raised this he basically told you it's his place and you're essentially another lodger, he doesn't view it as your shared home. You should discuss that before just buying furniture.

Cakecakecheese · 01/05/2022 13:34

You're being too subtle. Tell him you would like to feel like you live there too. It's not like you want to cover the place in glitter but you'd like to add a little bit of what you like to make it feel like a home for you.

I moved in with my partner to a house he owned and straight away he wanted to make sure I was happy there so incorporated my stuff into the house and we decided on new furniture and stuff together.

teacherorpreacher · 01/05/2022 13:34

Op how would you feel if he moved into your place and criticized your furniture and he was going to buy some new stuff and you said no I like my furniture. Nevertheless he went ahead and purchased new stuff. What would you do.

viques · 01/05/2022 13:37

Maybe start with some decorating and a few accessories, lose the grey walls, get some colour in, it might make him realise that change can work.

stripeyflowers · 01/05/2022 13:51

I think he is being selfish. It's your home as well now. When I moved into my now husband's house it was very sparse and unloved. He was always out so it was more like a base than a home. I had come out of rental accommodation and now loved the chance to live in something I actually liked and could change. I basically had free reign and now the house is a home. There were a few things I bought which he didn't like and he told me so I didn't have them in the house but overall I suppose he wasn't that fussed.

I just think his attitude is indicative of an attitude in general and it just doesn't sound how it should be. And the comment about you being the only one who dusts was a little aside but think about that - will you happy if he doesn't do any or hardly any cleaning and leaves it all to you - and in a house which he won't let you have some things you like?

It doesn't sit right.

Crunchymum · 01/05/2022 14:01

What was discussed when you moved in? How are finances worked out? Is there a plan to buy together.

I'd have been happy to move in with my DP as a partnership but not so happy to live in my DP's house under his rules.

Aprilx · 01/05/2022 15:19

I could never have got into this situation in the first place. I wouldn’t (and didn’t) live with anyone unless I intended it to be a (hopefully) life long commitment. In which case I would have discussed plans in advance, for example living in a property owned by the other party could only be a short term thing for me. And whilst I think it would be wasteful to come in and immediately change everything, I would expect any future decor decisions to be joint ones.

Obviously you can’t go back in time, but I don’t think buying your own stuff anyway is the only answer. I would be having a serious chat about the future with one option being that I would move out, buy my own flat and decorate how I want.

As an aside, what wrong with Next and John Lewis furniture? 😳. Most fun mine is from there and my home office is IKEA too. 😊

Sweepingeyelashes · 01/05/2022 15:27

I don't think I'd spend my money on buying him furniture. From the sound of it, it's his way or the highway and you do the cleaning. I'd be taking a long hard look at whether this man was long term partner material. it doesn't sound like he cherishes you and cares about your happiness.

chisanunian · 01/05/2022 15:36

Sciurus83 · 01/05/2022 13:28

Don't assume it's because he can't bebothered. When you raised this he basically told you it's his place and you're essentially another lodger, he doesn't view it as your shared home. You should discuss that before just buying furniture.

This, with knobs on.

LoveSpringDaffs · 01/05/2022 15:39

This is about more than cheap/tacky furniture.

you're both mid 30's, you need a proper conversation about where you each see this relationship going. Then get on with living you life as an adult, with or without him

FinallyHere · 01/05/2022 15:45

This are the kind of things to discuss before you move in together. The kind of thing that makes clear that moving in to his place will not be a good idea. Much better to each move into a new place together.

MintJulia · 01/05/2022 15:55

I moved in with my ex, and found he wouldn't even let me change a torn lampshade. I painted our ds's room and he went ballastic. I explained that I found living with a mishmash of 1930s and 1950s furniture depressing but he wouldn't budge.

In the end we moved out. It wasn't home, it didn't feel like home, it was never going to feel like home. That level of control/lack of compromise can be quite worrying.

You need to explain it's getting you down. If he won't compromise, find your own place.

Sunnytwobridges · 01/05/2022 15:57

This is one of the reasons why I didn’t move in with my ex. He wasn’t open to changing any of decor or let me add anything of mine.

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