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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate his furniture

56 replies

Olive180 · 01/05/2022 13:01

I moved in with DP (he's 34, I'm 33) about a year ago. He owns the flat, has lived there for 6 years, and his best guy friend lived with him as a lodger for about 3 years. The flat is very.. bachelor pad. It's sparse. All white and grey walls and very basic, functional furniture. A lot of the furniture is from Next, John Lewis and IKEA, and despite a lot of it being originally quite expensive, it's all very tacky looking. Think chrome and shiny black/white plastic covered mdf. He hasn't changed or added anything decor or furniture wise since he moved in. (Which is obviously totally fine).

I've tried suggesting updating a few bits to make it look more homely and grown up (and less tacky/teenage boy) but he refuses, says it's his furniture and he likes it. Aibu to go out and buy a few things as a suggestion? (With my own money). The coffee table especially annoys me as it's that super cheap one from Ikea, with really sharp corners, and it's a dust trap (and pretty much only ever dusted by me). I think ultimately he can't be bothered to do the shopping/looking on marketplaces part.

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 01/05/2022 16:03

Get your own flat and furnish it however you choose 🤷‍♀️

Eightiesfan · 01/05/2022 16:26

KangarooKenny · 01/05/2022 13:08

He’s already said no, and it’s his flat, so why would disregard what he said. Get your own flat and decorate it as you like.

Yes, it’s his flat, but I assume he asked OP to move in as his partner not his lodger so she should have some say in how the flat is decorated. When I moved in with DP, I literally chucked everything out, granted most of it looked like his Nan had donated it, but he just let me get on with it. We chose big items together, but all the smaller stuff that I bought with me replaced what he had already.

lunar1 · 01/05/2022 16:32

What did you discuss before moving in together? Did you tell him you didn't like his stuff and wanted to change it?

thecoffeewasthething · 01/05/2022 16:38

My partner moved into my house recently, we discussed at length how to combine our furniture and possessions to make it feel like both our spaces, not just one or the other. Yes, my name is on the mortgage, but we are a partnership and planned accordingly.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 01/05/2022 16:42

OP, get a flat between you, and then you have 50% say in the decor

Nanny0gg · 01/05/2022 16:47

Does he think of it as your home too or are you just a flatmate/lodger?

What are your future plans?

prettyteapotsplease · 01/05/2022 16:52

I just knew that the place would look 'bachelor pad' with very masculine colours and styles. Ultimately it's your home too and there should be give and take, not "this is my flat and I'll keep it as I like". If there's no compromise on this what's he like with more serious matters?

As I have a huge interest in interior design it would bug me to not have any input.

carefullycourageous · 01/05/2022 17:07

I don;t think you can just start buying things, that is not a great way to approach this.

Is there an issue that you don't feel like it is as much your home as his? If this is the case, save your money and talk to him about the real issue.

Original poster
Olive180 · 01/05/2022 18:13

I pay half the mortgage and bills (I earn a bit more than him). I hardly want to turn the living space all pink and frilly. I like minimal styles. Just some more classic, grown up wooden furniture pieces - coffee table, dining table & chairs - and a few photos/prints on the walls would be nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olive180 · 01/05/2022 18:18

prettyteapotsplease · 01/05/2022 16:52

I just knew that the place would look 'bachelor pad' with very masculine colours and styles. Ultimately it's your home too and there should be give and take, not "this is my flat and I'll keep it as I like". If there's no compromise on this what's he like with more serious matters?

As I have a huge interest in interior design it would bug me to not have any input.

I love interior design too and the space could genuinely look so much better with a few very easy changes, it's a lovely flat. It's just lifeless, synthetic and clinical at the moment. I find it a bit depressing to be honest. It's not much different to how my workplace (an office) is decorated!

OP posts:
Deadringer · 01/05/2022 18:23

If the furniture is functional and in good order but just not to your taste then yabu. Just buy some soft furnishings that you like to make it more homely. If the furniture is in bad repair or very shabby yanbu and are entitled to have some say about replacing it.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 01/05/2022 20:37

Then it's as much your flat as his and he doesn't get to say no to a new coffee table or whatever. He needs this explaining to him.

SeemsSoUnfair · 01/05/2022 21:15

I pay half the mortgage and bills (I earn a bit more than him).

And a year in he still sees you as a lodger in his flat. You have been paying 1/2 his mortgage for a year while you are not investing in your own future, what is the longterm plan. Please dont be one of those woman who wait around forever for a surprise proposal. Discuss what is fair so you have financial security.

carefullycourageous · 02/05/2022 07:52

Olive180 · 01/05/2022 18:13

I pay half the mortgage and bills (I earn a bit more than him). I hardly want to turn the living space all pink and frilly. I like minimal styles. Just some more classic, grown up wooden furniture pieces - coffee table, dining table & chairs - and a few photos/prints on the walls would be nice.

The issue is not the coffee table per se, it is that you have to ask him when you have been paying half the bills for a year.

Lots of people pay someone else's mortgage with no comeback if you split up.

HollowTalk · 02/05/2022 08:12

Olive180 · 01/05/2022 18:13

I pay half the mortgage and bills (I earn a bit more than him). I hardly want to turn the living space all pink and frilly. I like minimal styles. Just some more classic, grown up wooden furniture pieces - coffee table, dining table & chairs - and a few photos/prints on the walls would be nice.

You pay half the mortgage but is it all still in his name?

FinallyHere · 02/05/2022 08:20

Oh, wait, you are paying half the mortgage but it's all in his name? And he thinks about it all as his place where he gets to decide things ?

I'm very sorry that you are in this position. I hope you can see how vulnerable you are and have a conversation with him that leads to a reset of the relationship.

If this is how it is, then at least you understand that now and can decide where you go from here. He has a pretty sweet deal, having half his bills paid.

How does your contribution compare to paying rent? Are you happy to continue as a lodger with no security of tenure? That is not to suggest that you suddenly get to own half. It's entirely possible for him to ring fence the equity he built up before your contribution started and then you share any equity gains from the date you started paying half.

I hope it works out for you.

maddening · 02/05/2022 08:21

Tbh if you are contributing to the mortgage you need to have a conversation about ownership, he likely sees it as an owner/lodger set up, it is HIS flat. If that is the case I would be only paying a lodgers share and investing my extra in a BTL or some sort of savings / ISA etc so you are building up equity/deposits for your own place, or to enable you to invest an equal share if you do decide to buy together as equal partners.

If he sees you as an equal partner you should get a snapshot if his current investment and value of the property and formalise the arrangement between you

Paq · 02/05/2022 08:32

Honestly, I'd move out and buy your own place. Why are you paying half his mortgage when you're not married and he already has a lodger? Why are you the only person doing the dusting? Find your self-respect!

Findingneeemo · 02/05/2022 08:39

I would buy my own place and move out.

You pay half the mortgage and bills. You may end up buying the furniture.

who does the housework? (I hope your office job doesn’t make it ‘easier’ for you to do more housework).

Moodycow78 · 02/05/2022 08:47

He's a grown up, going and buying furniture you like when he's told you he's happy with what he has is controlling and wierd imo.

Moodycow78 · 02/05/2022 08:49

Didn't realise you were living there but it would still be odd, move out and get your own place, you'll always be in 'his' house and you're at an age you need your own home.

RandomQuest · 02/05/2022 08:55

His taste in furniture is irrelevant. The issue is that in his mind it’s still very much HIS flat despite the fact that you’ve lived there a year, pay half of all the costs and apparently are the only one that does the dusting. It doesn’t sound like he respects you very much, or wants you to feel at home OP.

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 08:58

Op

how have you come to be in your thirties and have such low expectations for yourself that you move in with someone, pay half of everything and then he says basically butt out re any interior decisions.
awful

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 08:58

To me, he does not sound as though he sees you moving in as a long term fixture in any shape or form

Odile13 · 02/05/2022 09:01

I do think if you move in together you should create a home that you both like and add your stamp to it.

On the other hand, you do sound very dismissive of his taste and furniture - calling it tacky and teenage boy. I wouldn’t like that if I was him.