Page 7 | To think being a SAHM/housewife is not the same as someone claiming benefits?

Jajana · 2022-05-01T07:00:08+00:00

Was chatting to my sister and was talking about how my MIL is a housewife (sorry not sure if that’s the correct term). She said that being a SAHM/housewife is no different to someone claiming benefits and would rather claim benefits than rely on someone for an income! Bearing in mind, FIL runs a very successful business and all of the money MIL receives is from private funds - not through the state. Am i being reasonable to think being a SAHM/housewife isn’t the same as claiming benefits?

HandScreen · 01/05/2022 10:00

AngelsWithSilverWings · 01/05/2022 09:17

@HandScreen I'm full of admiration for parents who can successfully combine a career and parenting.

But what do you do when the nursery/childminder closes at 6 but you have a client meeting that finishes at 7 or later or a breakfast meeting that starts at 8am and you have a 90 minute commute to get there after doing the nursery drop off.

How do you manage twice a week evening networking events , client dinners , two day conferences , a week long conference in the states when your partner also has the exact same work commitments?

This was mine and DH's working life. It would have been impossible to be parents without a live in Nanny so I basically became the live in Nanny. We didn't even have the option to ask family to help as our parents were still all in full time work themselves.

When one of us needs to take the evening meetings, the other sorts the children that evening. If we both need to do an evening meeting on the same day, we hire a babysitter.

If our work lives were as extreme as you say - i.e. both parents frequently needing to be out of the country at the exact same time (really?) then a nanny is a good option. You can also hire live-in childcare just for the rare weeks you need it.

Onlyforcake · 01/05/2022 10:01

An employee relies on other people too, enough big businesses have gone under in my lifetime leaving employees back to relying on the wider society, rather than relying on mismanaged companies. Its just not anyone else's business how a family manages its life is it?

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 01/05/2022 10:01

Fishwishy · 01/05/2022 09:53

There is nothing wrong with optimising your tax income by using benefits over having a partner within the law companies do it so should families so no judgement of the people involved.

However I would make the benefit system less generous and change the rules to encourage this to not be the case to rely on benefits. Benefits are paid by tax and currently the tax take on the higher earners are massive. I am on the cusp of taking my six figure salary (and doubling it at least) and moving to Texas where tax is much lover because the system simply won't support that level of benefit claiming.

I suggest you try and live off benefits for a few
months.

Then you would no longer use the words ‘benefits’ and ‘generous’ in the same sentence.

Walkaround · 01/05/2022 10:02

girlmom21 · 01/05/2022 09:57

I'm sorry you have poor comprehension skills. If I'd have meant all people I'd have said 'all people'.

Show quote history

Nothing wrong with my comprehension skills. I)m sorry you have a problem with precision and saying what you mean.

pinklavenders · 01/05/2022 10:04

The only way two parent families will need to pay childcare is if they’re both working the same hours.

Which normally happens when both parents work!

If one parent can stay at home to look after their children, this problem can be avoided.

HandScreen · 01/05/2022 10:05

Muffinsorcrumpets · 01/05/2022 09:42

I have an extremely successful career, and my husband works full time. I can't see how him staying at home would have enabled my career? What on earth do you mean? Those of us with successful jobs and husbands who also work full time just have childcare? And a cleaner? A SAHP is in no way contributing to the family financially...Just own it, if you're a SAHP, no need to invent financial contributions.

I don't really understand your comment @HandScreen. There's little or no need to outsource to childminders and cleaners (as you have described above) if there's a SAHP at home. That's the financial saving/financial contribution surely? The SAHP is doing work you would otherwise have to pay others to do.

Yes, you absolutely save on childcare. I was responding to the people saying that a SAHP contributes financially by enabling their partner to have a successful career, which I think is horseshit.

howtomoveforwards · 01/05/2022 10:06

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/05/2022 08:54

Same goes for single mums on benefits then.

Show quote history

Nah. Stay at home homes are part of a ‘hard working family’, despite half of that family being economically inactive. A single mum who doesn’t work is just some kind of leach on society, many people even struggle to refer to us and our children as a family. Being a SAHP with a husband makes you respectable, middle class. Being a stay at home single parent makes you part of an underclass. Double standards abound.

pinklavenders · 01/05/2022 10:07

I try to view DH earnings as for both of us, which law / marriage states anyway - I provide free childcare which helps our overall finances. SAHMs can hold their head up high!

I agree. Many women choose to give up their careers for the benefit of the family. They absolutely should feel proud of their choice!

howtomoveforwards · 01/05/2022 10:08

I was responding to the people saying that a SAHP contributes financially by enabling their partner to have a successful career, which I think is horseshit

Depends enormously on what the career is: 24 hour shift system with on-call, for example, is very different to a 9-5 and a short commute.

Frogslegsbigfeet · 01/05/2022 10:09

Well this was lighting the blue touch paper op, you are going to have every single housewife/sahm pissed off at you for suggesting such a thing 😂

HandScreen · 01/05/2022 10:09

Musomama1 · 01/05/2022 10:00

A SAHM to early years pre school children is basically a nutty full-time plus job with only the tiny child benefit as 'pay'! Think of what you'd actually have to pay someone to do it for you.

I try to view DH earnings as for both of us, which law / marriage states anyway - I provide free childcare which helps our overall finances. SAHMs can hold their head up high but people only 'get it' when they have been there themselves.

Housewives? I don't know. Without kids it's not really a full time job is it? I'd class them as seperate. But if thry have older kids I bet there's still a lot of running around after them, looking after the household things, my wealthy SIL manages to keep a full time live in nanny busy with her two teenagers.

The law absolutely does not state that. You should look into your situation. Your DH's earnings aren't legally jointly yours. A very dangerous and ignorant misunderstanding.

pinklavenders · 01/05/2022 10:10

Being a SAHP with a husband makes you respectable, middle class. Being a stay at home single parent makes you part of an underclass

It's got nothing to do with class imo

Obviously if you're single you've got less options!

Fortbite · 01/05/2022 10:10

AngelsWithSilverWings · 01/05/2022 09:17

@HandScreen I'm full of admiration for parents who can successfully combine a career and parenting.

But what do you do when the nursery/childminder closes at 6 but you have a client meeting that finishes at 7 or later or a breakfast meeting that starts at 8am and you have a 90 minute commute to get there after doing the nursery drop off.

How do you manage twice a week evening networking events , client dinners , two day conferences , a week long conference in the states when your partner also has the exact same work commitments?

This was mine and DH's working life. It would have been impossible to be parents without a live in Nanny so I basically became the live in Nanny. We didn't even have the option to ask family to help as our parents were still all in full time work themselves.

Hear me out- all jobs are different. Some people move jobs, others both partners do condensed hours or whatever. There are options, choosing to not work is fine but no need to try and make excuses, just proudly own it. Others draw lines in the sand for their working hours because they have to, ie single parents.

TeaBug · 01/05/2022 10:10

People who aren't SAHM and claim they have no wish to be so, need to ask themselves why they are so triggered by it as a concept

I've noticed this too. So many scathing remarks towards sahm's. Makes me wonder what's behind it.

Topgub · 01/05/2022 10:11

Why?!

Why is it a benefit to the family and what is there to be proud of?

Funny how not so many men are making thos choice to benefit their families, eh?

HandScreen · 01/05/2022 10:11

pinklavenders · 01/05/2022 10:07

I try to view DH earnings as for both of us, which law / marriage states anyway - I provide free childcare which helps our overall finances. SAHMs can hold their head up high!

I agree. Many women choose to give up their careers for the benefit of the family. They absolutely should feel proud of their choice!

It obviously only helps your finances if you would earn less than childcare costs.

Frogslegsbigfeet · 01/05/2022 10:12

i try to view DH earnings as for both of us, which law / marriage states anyway

there is no law that states you are entitled to your husbands earnings on marriage. Arguably if you take your wedding vows literally you can have at his money but that’s not the law..🤪

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 01/05/2022 10:15

Topgub · 01/05/2022 10:11

Why?!

Why is it a benefit to the family and what is there to be proud of?

Funny how not so many men are making thos choice to benefit their families, eh?

For me it’s also the emotional attachment to my children. A deeper attachment that dh doesn’t have.

He would die for them in a heartbeat, he loves them but he can go to work or be without them without that awful, gut wrenching feeling that I get. I hate being apart from them.

And, I only had dead end, shitty jobs anyway, I was never bright enough for a proper career or anything that paid over minimum wage.

I’m not proud of any aspect of my life, but I am a fantastic parent and hopefully, with me being there 24/7, my children won’t turn out to be a waste of space like me.

pinklavenders · 01/05/2022 10:16

Funny how not so many men are making thos choice to benefit their families, eh?

Probably because they don't give birth and breast feed, because they are more career focused and often earn a lot more...!

girlmom21 · 01/05/2022 10:17

For me it’s also the emotional attachment to my children.

Jesus Christ - working parents can have a deep emotional attachment to their children too...

Fortbite · 01/05/2022 10:17

TeaBug · 01/05/2022 10:10

People who aren't SAHM and claim they have no wish to be so, need to ask themselves why they are so triggered by it as a concept

I've noticed this too. So many scathing remarks towards sahm's. Makes me wonder what's behind it.

I think it's more the faux oh my goodness I couldn't possibly work because of x, y, z but then the berating of those on benefits who genuinely cannot work in the next. Or dangerous ignorance about financial security if they split, people should make informed decisions and misinformation like that isn't good as its not accurate. I don't give two hoots what others do, I wish people would stop believing what they read about benefits though and actually understood the reality. Perhaps then they'd be less judgemental, I have far more empathy for those that are judged due to that rather than those that make an active choice.

pinklavenders · 01/05/2022 10:18

Jesus Christ - working parents can have a deep emotional attachment to their children too...

I think it was in response to 'why women rather than men' choose to stay at home...

AngelsWithSilverWings · 01/05/2022 10:18

@HandScreen it never works like that for us sadly due to the unpredictability of the work. Nothing can be planned in advance. So unless you have a babysitter who can turn up with very little notice you are screwed.

DH once left for work one morning expecting to be home that evening and I got updates throughout the day delaying his return home by a couple of hours - he came home two days later having had no sleep apart from a quick nap on a couch in a lawyers office.

Our holidays get interrupted because a deal he is working needs to be saved from collapse.

It's was tough enough dealing with his unpredictable work patterns when I was a SAHM with toddlers let alone as a working mother with toddlers!

Topgub · 01/05/2022 10:19

I'm not sure that level of attachment is healthy. Not being able to leave them without feeling awful?

I also don't think its necessary to feel that way to be a fantastic parent. Or to think children need a mum with them 24/7 so they're not a waste of space.

I'm pretty sure you're not a waste of space either.

Frogslegsbigfeet · 01/05/2022 10:19

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 01/05/2022 10:15

For me it’s also the emotional attachment to my children. A deeper attachment that dh doesn’t have.

He would die for them in a heartbeat, he loves them but he can go to work or be without them without that awful, gut wrenching feeling that I get. I hate being apart from them.

And, I only had dead end, shitty jobs anyway, I was never bright enough for a proper career or anything that paid over minimum wage.

I’m not proud of any aspect of my life, but I am a fantastic parent and hopefully, with me being there 24/7, my children won’t turn out to be a waste of space like me.

Show quote history

Do you think your dead end shitty jobs is what made it much more preferable to not work? As in there is a correlation?

I think that you need to be cautious as your children need independence. A parent who can’t be away from them can be very damaging indeed.