Page 14 | To think being a SAHM/housewife is not the same as someone claiming benefits?

Jajana · 2022-05-01T07:00:08+00:00

Was chatting to my sister and was talking about how my MIL is a housewife (sorry not sure if that’s the correct term). She said that being a SAHM/housewife is no different to someone claiming benefits and would rather claim benefits than rely on someone for an income! Bearing in mind, FIL runs a very successful business and all of the money MIL receives is from private funds - not through the state. Am i being reasonable to think being a SAHM/housewife isn’t the same as claiming benefits?

TheKeatingFive · 01/05/2022 13:23

no idea how that would have worked for us - DH is often not home until 2am after an evening closing a deal or taking clients out.

I know many couples who both work but not a single instance where both would be required to take clients out past midnight on a regular basis

HandScreen · 01/05/2022 13:28

Frogslegsbigfeet · 01/05/2022 12:43

Most of the SAHMs I know have definitely facilitated the husband's career

this is just such a cringe way to try to take credit for someone else’s success. Many many mothers work, over eighty percent and milljons of them are very successful with uncertain or long hours.

No one needs a housewife or stay at home parent to enable their career unless the child has additional needs. No one’s career is due to their partner, it’s due to their own hard work.

Dual income families are the norm. Paid child care is a thing, be it nursery, child minder, nanny, au pair, after school clubs etc, pretending someone is in any way successful because they had someone at home during the day is nonsense and every single working and non working parent knows it. That’s something that the vast majority of families outsource and often to the benefit of the children. Every single one of those dual income families manage to do housework cook meals and do life admin as well.

honestly why can’t people just own it, “I stayed home because I wanted to” instead of all this “his career success is down to me and it was only for the kids benefit”

100% this

Louise0701 · 01/05/2022 13:28

@Topgub one of them still goes into the office most days but the rest run their businesses from home now with managers to run the day to day stuff so in a way, yes. It would probably be semi-retirement.

Topgub · 01/05/2022 13:30

@Louise0701

Presumably they've not always been in semi retirement?

Why didn't they give up work because their lifestyle mean they have better things to do?

tuliplover · 01/05/2022 13:31

Of course it's not the same thing. I was a sahp. I had two small children and instead of paying more than my salary for them to be in daycare I quit work and looked after them myself. Yes I lived off my partners income, but I don't think that's the same as being on benefits where you are living off someone else's taxes.

dottiedodah · 01/05/2022 13:33

Felix 0204" I dont think many men like their wives not working ,what is there to talk about" Honestly .who talks about work at home? We have a dog who we walk together and singly ,always lots to talk about there.Current Affairs and the State of Russia(or not maybe!) friends and relatives and so on.It would be very boring if all we discussed was work!

pinklavenders · 01/05/2022 13:35

Other than access to his earnings, how does the role benefit women?

There are many women who actually enjoy staying at home, looking after children and running the household. They find it very fulfilling actually.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/05/2022 13:38

LivesinLondon2000 · 01/05/2022 09:42

Never understood why people get so hot under the collar about SAHMs.
If your finances allow you to stay at home and not go out to work then good for you.

I know a few professional couples near me who both work fulltime and they hire a fulltime housekeeper (they have older children so nannying isn’t necessary but occasional school pick ups are). Housekeeper cleans, cooks all meals, does laundry, does household admin, walks the dog etc. Dinner is cooked from scratch every evening from locally bought produce. Running a house this way is definitely a full time job (and to be fair their houses are gorgeous).
But how is it that it’s ok to pay for a housekeeper in this way but if a mum (or dad) chooses to do this job, they’re seen as essentially unemployed? Seems wrong.

But its a great subject for dividing women amongst themselves. The reality is that women whether in full time paid work or full time home work still perform the bulk of labour for home and family. People can talk about NAMALT and "my Nigel knows how to load the dishwasher" but every objective study shows women doing the bulk of the home work and women being assumed to be the default parent and family manager.

So whilst every thread of this type generates hundreds of posts of women arguing to justify their own situation the men just whistle and laugh and continue blithely along, benefiting from our labour.

Divide and rule has always been effective at propping up hierarchies.

Topgub · 01/05/2022 13:38

@pinklavenders

Why? Whats fulfilling about it? Doing only that?

Why don't the same number of men find it so fulfilling?

pinklavenders · 01/05/2022 13:39

honestly why can’t people just own it, “I stayed home because I wanted to” instead of all this “his career success is down to me and it was only for the kids benefit”

But without having a husband and children to support many women wouldn't enjoy staying at home. They enjoy looking after their children, they enjoy supporting their working partners. They wouldn't stay at home otherwise!

EmeraldShamrock1 · 01/05/2022 13:42

I don’t see why we would choose to work when we have the lifestyles we do. Much better things to do with our time!

Work is much more than just earning a wage.

I've no doubt that your husband's are ecstatic and fully respect your choices to live off the money they earn.

pinklavenders · 01/05/2022 13:43

@Topgub Yes many women do enjoy looking after their family and find it more fulfilling than any career.

But thankfully everyone is different and I'm very supportive of more career minded women. Women should have the choice. And we shouldn't judge women either way!

CarryonCovid · 01/05/2022 13:45

But those of us with two careers manage the household related stuff fairly effortlessly

Wow please tell me how. We bogh work FT DCs are secondary age it is not even remotely "fairly effortless" we are clearly doing something very wrong.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/05/2022 13:45

tuliplover · 01/05/2022 13:31

Of course it's not the same thing. I was a sahp. I had two small children and instead of paying more than my salary for them to be in daycare I quit work and looked after them myself. Yes I lived off my partners income, but I don't think that's the same as being on benefits where you are living off someone else's taxes.

So you didn't want to go out to work and pay more in childcare than you earn but think women who don't have the luxury of a partner should happily do it? If you've never been in that position you've got no right to judge.

pinklavenders · 01/05/2022 13:46

I've no doubt that your husband's are ecstatic and fully respect your choices to live off the money they earn.

Not sure about 'ecstatic' but certainly hope that they're respectful and appreciative of what their partners do for them.

Chewchewaboogiw · 01/05/2022 13:47

Not the same at all
Sahm is not taking from a public purse.
I was sahm and the reason was because with two under two nursery costs.( didnt want them to go anyway) would have been vastly above my earnings.
The only thing is I didnt not pay my ni and now my state pension is affected so do think sahm should be more clued up than I was at the time.

Topgub · 01/05/2022 13:47

Yes many women do enjoy looking after their family and find it more fulfilling than any career.

yeah I asked why and why more men don't feel the same

Topgub · 01/05/2022 13:48

@Chewchewaboogiw

Did your oh not contribute to childcare costs?

mumsys · 01/05/2022 13:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

GlamorousHeifer · 01/05/2022 13:49

I have always worked full time, paid the necessary expenses for child care and earn on par with my husband (not a vast amount for either of us).
If by some miracle he could suddenly afford for me not to work I would skip out of the office and never look back.
I am weary, I wake up bone tired every day. I have daily mental battles with myself forcing me to carry on and get housework done even if I'd rather sit down with a cup of tea or a glass of wine.
I could have quit working and gone on benefits when my children were small but why should working people pay for mine and my children's existence because I can't be bothered to work.
If my husband could fund us as a family entirely then that is absolutely different from being on benefits and your sister is talking rubbish in my opinion!

pinklavenders · 01/05/2022 13:50

yeah I asked why and why more men don't feel the same

Probably lots of reasons but maybe best to ask men directly?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/05/2022 13:50

Chewchewaboogiw · 01/05/2022 13:47

Not the same at all
Sahm is not taking from a public purse.
I was sahm and the reason was because with two under two nursery costs.( didnt want them to go anyway) would have been vastly above my earnings.
The only thing is I didnt not pay my ni and now my state pension is affected so do think sahm should be more clued up than I was at the time.

And for a lot of single parents on benefits childcare would be vastly above their earnings too! That's why they don't work.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/05/2022 13:52

GlamorousHeifer · 01/05/2022 13:49

I have always worked full time, paid the necessary expenses for child care and earn on par with my husband (not a vast amount for either of us).
If by some miracle he could suddenly afford for me not to work I would skip out of the office and never look back.
I am weary, I wake up bone tired every day. I have daily mental battles with myself forcing me to carry on and get housework done even if I'd rather sit down with a cup of tea or a glass of wine.
I could have quit working and gone on benefits when my children were small but why should working people pay for mine and my children's existence because I can't be bothered to work.
If my husband could fund us as a family entirely then that is absolutely different from being on benefits and your sister is talking rubbish in my opinion!

Oh give over with this garbage. Most people are on benefits because it's not financially viable to work and pay for childcare, not because they "can't be bothered" to work. Pretty hypocritical of you when you admit you can't be bothered to work yourself and would happily live off your partner's money.

Chewchewaboogiw · 01/05/2022 13:56

HandScreen
Not as simple as that .. my dh had a very stressful job. He was called to different parts of the county at a moments notice.
He would be in the middle of case conferences etc hours away.
If we shared the childcare, and housestuff he absolutely would not have been able to do his job .. something would have to give.
He was able to concentrate fully knowing that the aspects of life was divided up the way it was.
When they went back to school I returned pt to my professional
Job.

I still did the chikdcare aspect when they were older and things less intense as at school for the same reasons.
It worked for us . Another way may have worked better for others.

HandScreen · 01/05/2022 13:59

CarryonCovid · 01/05/2022 13:45

But those of us with two careers manage the household related stuff fairly effortlessly

Wow please tell me how. We bogh work FT DCs are secondary age it is not even remotely "fairly effortless" we are clearly doing something very wrong.

What is it that you struggle with?