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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU about DH’s photos on phone

60 replies

RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 18:34

Hi all,

My DH and I were talking about photos of ex’s on phones. DH has children from a previous marriage. He said all his photos of his ex were deleted. However, I have just found out today that he still has hundreds of photos of his ex wife on his phone. Some with the children, some on her own and some of the two of them. Also has photos of pregnancy tests when they were trying to have a baby. I’m really hurt by this. Should I confront him or am I being too sensitive?

Thank you.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 30/04/2022 18:36

Do you think he lied to you or just forgot he had them?

Tbh I'm not sure that it would especially bother me but it would depend on the dynamic of your relationship (and his with his ex).

Beees · 30/04/2022 18:37

Why would he need to delete them, you can't just erase her existence she's the mother of his children, don't you think those children might like to see pictures of their parents happy when they grow up?

It's not good he lied but he probably thought you'd massively overreact which to his defense is exactly what it sounds like you're doing.

Blarting · 30/04/2022 18:39

Beees · 30/04/2022 18:37

Why would he need to delete them, you can't just erase her existence she's the mother of his children, don't you think those children might like to see pictures of their parents happy when they grow up?

It's not good he lied but he probably thought you'd massively overreact which to his defense is exactly what it sounds like you're doing.

I think the point is he lied?

If he'd said I can't just erase her, that's fine.

I don't like liars.

shabbaboot · 30/04/2022 18:39

He had a life before you, I think you need to get over it. Also how did you find them now, are you snooping on his phone.

Original poster
RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 18:40

No, he didn’t forget as when I went onto the photos (to send some he took of our son to my phone) he has been looking at a photo of him and his ex. I’m not overreacting @Beees and am not trying to erase her existence. I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

OP posts:
Jalepenojello · 30/04/2022 18:41

He shouldn’t have lied. I’d discuss the lying.

He should be able to keep the photos though, that shouldn’t be an issue at all.

Tothemoonandbackx · 30/04/2022 18:41

Photos of his children and his ex, not so bad as it has his children on them, photos of the pregnancy tests, not bad at all (I took photos of mine) but photos of his ex.......ehhhh, I'm not so sure. Maybe he told you he didn't have them and intended to delete them but was just lazy. I have photos of my ex's on Facebook, but these were from yeeeeeears ago, mean nothing now, but I just can't be arsed to go through them all and delete them, plus I look good on some of them, lol. I wouldn't get too worked up about it, it's you he's with, and if you do confront him, you'll have to let him know you've been going through his phone, which is wrong in itself.

Beees · 30/04/2022 18:43

and am not trying to erase her existence. I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

Why do you think it's not appropriate. She is his ex wife and mother of his children you knew this when you got together, why shouldn't he keep the pictures, presumably they were happy once and they remind him of special times.

He absolutely shouldn't have lied but equally you don't get to dictate what photos he keeps.

Tertius3 · 30/04/2022 18:44

Why do you think he said all his pictures of his ex were deleted?

it’s not very healthy to try and erase the past, and it sounds like he hasn’t. But why would he have said that he has?

redskyatnight · 30/04/2022 18:44

So you don't think it's appropriate for him to have photos of his ex. Therefore his choices are


  1. Delete all photos

  2. Don't delete all photos and lie about it to keep the peace.


I think your requirement that he does (1) is too strict, so can see why he went with (2)

Ratrick · 30/04/2022 18:44

No issue at all with the photos being on his phone.

Possible issue with that lying….although I’d be curious to know why he felt the need to.

shabbaboot · 30/04/2022 18:48

IF your pressuring him to delete his past and photos that's controlling not surprising he lied. Has he asked you to destroy and remove every thing you own that is from your past before him and with other people.

He has chosen to be with you now, so what he keeps and looks at is none of your concern unless they are new. But good way to make him think about leaving if you carry on.

Chilledchablis1 · 30/04/2022 18:48

Lying is not ok otherwise you are overreacting.
My DH still has some photos of his ex, some with their DC others with her and I still have a few with my ex somewhere .
DH and I have been married for 30+ years and it simply isn’t an issue .

SilverPeacock · 30/04/2022 18:49

My Dh has printed photos of him and ex as I have some of me a various exes from the nineties. Would never occur to me that either of us should rip them up and put them in the bin. I would find that very weird and modern equivalent is having them on your phone.

JoeGoldberg · 30/04/2022 18:57

Not great that he lied, but I'd hazard a guess that he did that because he knew how you'd react. It's not inappropriate at all, can't even see why it's an issue. You can't undo memories by deleting photos.

Original poster
RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 19:00

Thanks all. It’s just that he’s made several comments about me having photos of guys (including friends)

OP posts:
Beees · 30/04/2022 19:02

RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 19:00

Thanks all. It’s just that he’s made several comments about me having photos of guys (including friends)

Ah the drip drip begins.

If he has indeed made comments just ignore them, getting cross and angry and calling it inappropriate that he has photos of his ex isn't the answer.

MaryAndHerNet · 30/04/2022 19:04

Anyone demanding I delete photos of my kid and my past to save their feelings would be told to get te fuck.

Chilledchablis1 · 30/04/2022 19:08

RoseA89 ·
“Thanks all. It’s just that he’s made several comments about me having photos of guys (including friends)”

Why didn’t you say that in your OP? You might have had different replies !

MaryAndHerNet · 30/04/2022 19:22

Bloke: "why have you got loads of pictures of men on your phone?"
Woman: "some of them are friends.."
Bloke: "some? Who are the others?"
Woman: ".... why have you got photos on your phone?"
Bloke: "you mean my kids and their mum?"
Woman: "yeah, I don't like them, you need to delete them..."
Bloke: "... So who are the other guys you've got photos of again?"
Woman: "... Told you, some are friends... Have you deleted your ex and kids pictures yet?"
Bloke: "...whut?"

🤔

InstaHun88 · 30/04/2022 19:25

YABU. I have photos of my ex on my phone, computer etc. We were together for 9 years, I'm not going to spend hours and hours carefully deleting photos of him, that's fucking batshit crazy. I also don't want to, it was my life, I have lots of good memories from various holidays etc that I sometimes look back on. I don't miss him. I don't love him. I don't want him back. He was just someone that was a huge part of my life and I'm not going to erase it.

Original poster
RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 19:26

@MaryAndHerNet I’m not sure what you’re insinuating and that wasn’t funny or even close to the truth. Please don’t bother commenting if you can’t be a decent person. I came on to ask for advice. You didn’t provide any and seem to be suggesting I have all these guys who are obviously “more than friends”.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2022 19:37

I think hundreds of photos of his ex is really excessive tbh, this is the kind of thing that should be stuck in a folder on his computer if he wants to keep them, surely.

Really, really hypocritical of him to comment on you having pictures of men, too.

I'm sensing an unhealthy dynamic.

What is his relationship with his ex like?

MaryAndHerNet · 30/04/2022 19:43

RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 19:26

@MaryAndHerNet I’m not sure what you’re insinuating and that wasn’t funny or even close to the truth. Please don’t bother commenting if you can’t be a decent person. I came on to ask for advice. You didn’t provide any and seem to be suggesting I have all these guys who are obviously “more than friends”.

Interesting that you took it the way you have.

Do you demand everything in life on your terms?

Do you believe that you have a right to demand he delete photos of his ex and kids but that he has no right to expect you to delete photos of men you're not related to in any way shape or form?

That's called a double standard.

Ultimate.
A grown up should be able to look at the photos of their partners past life and smile with them at the stories and memories.
Maybe even console them over the times they've grieved a loss and celebrate the times they've accomplished things.
If you can't do that... Well.. seems like you have an insecurity issue.
Hope that helps.

PlasticineMeg · 30/04/2022 19:44

Beees · 30/04/2022 18:37

Why would he need to delete them, you can't just erase her existence she's the mother of his children, don't you think those children might like to see pictures of their parents happy when they grow up?

It's not good he lied but he probably thought you'd massively overreact which to his defense is exactly what it sounds like you're doing.

This

Also why are you going through his phone?!