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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DH’s photos on phone

60 replies

RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 18:34

Hi all,

My DH and I were talking about photos of ex’s on phones. DH has children from a previous marriage. He said all his photos of his ex were deleted. However, I have just found out today that he still has hundreds of photos of his ex wife on his phone. Some with the children, some on her own and some of the two of them. Also has photos of pregnancy tests when they were trying to have a baby. I’m really hurt by this. Should I confront him or am I being too sensitive?

Thank you.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2022 19:44

How did this come up in the first place? Why did he tell you he’d deleted photos of her?

Why is he complaining about you having photos of men? (Highly relevant to your issue, should have been in the OP)

Why was he looking at a photo of them together when you wanted the pix of your son?

I’ve just never had this conversation with DH. We don’t check each other’s photos. I’m sure he’s got some of his ex with the kids, wouldn’t bother me if he did.

I’d want to know why he lied and why he’s happy to be a hypocrite. The whole thing sounds a bit weird and mutually insecure. But the background is relevant since I can’t imagine how it came up in the first place.

WTF475878237NC · 30/04/2022 19:49

She wasn't going through his phone. It clearly states she was sending herself photos of their son that were on his phone.

If he and his ex have an inappropriate relationship, then that is the issue, and lying about the photos is just a symptom of that. If their relationship is entirely normal in context, then I think it's unfair to ask him to delete all (or even bother to go through and delete any) of his pictures. Although their marriage didn't last it may have many happy memories and that isn't a slight on you.

Original poster
RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 19:50

@MaryAndHerNet Where did I say I had demanded he delete the photos? I asked if it was normal and whether to say anything to him.

Also, did I say I had any photos of men on my phone? I said my DH has made comments about me having photos as in I better not have photos.

Maybe try showing a bit more respect. I’d rather have an “insecurity issue” as you put it than be a nasty person to people I don’t know who are asking for advice.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2022 19:51

A grown up should be able to look at the photos of their partners past life and smile with them at the stories and memories.
Maybe even console them over the times they've grieved a loss and celebrate the times they've accomplished things.

That's really a bit much.

One could argue that it's very dependant on your partner to expect that from them about your ex, rather than insecure of them to not want to give it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2022 19:53

I said my DH has made comments about me having photos as in I better not have photos.

But why?! I literally can’t imagine thinking this never mind saying it to a partner or spouse.

It comes from a place of automatic distrust which is so unhealthy.

Fusillage · 30/04/2022 19:58

RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 19:50

@MaryAndHerNet Where did I say I had demanded he delete the photos? I asked if it was normal and whether to say anything to him.

Also, did I say I had any photos of men on my phone? I said my DH has made comments about me having photos as in I better not have photos.

Maybe try showing a bit more respect. I’d rather have an “insecurity issue” as you put it than be a nasty person to people I don’t know who are asking for advice.

What she wrote was about double standards. You misread it and leapt down her throat. If that’s what you typically do then I can see the problem.

Original poster
RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 20:01

She said I have double standards and has sent several unhelpful, nasty messages.

OP posts:
Fusillage · 30/04/2022 20:03

RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 20:01

She said I have double standards and has sent several unhelpful, nasty messages.

No she was saying he would have double standards, if in fact he had commented on you having photos of men on your phone.

Original poster
RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 20:06

Do you believe that you have a right to demand he delete photos of his ex and kids but that he has no right to expect you to delete photos of men you're not related to in any way shape or form?

She’s saying I do. I also have never demanded he delete these photos. I haven’t even spoken to him about it.

OP posts:
Sortilege · 30/04/2022 20:06

You sound like massively hard work OP.

Why are you snapping at everyone for honest comments?

aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2022 20:07

No she was saying he would have double standards, if in fact he had commented on you having photos of men on your phone.

It doesn't come across that way at all when you read her follow up comment. She's very much in support of DH.

Wheelz46 · 30/04/2022 20:10

Personally, I wouldn't look too much into it, they are memories, not just for him but his children too.

I don't have any kids with my ex husband but I have kept the wedding album, not so I can go back and cherish the memories of my wedding day but photos of my parents who are no longer with me, for that reason alone, I could not just get rid. My partner is very understanding of that and knows I have no intention of looking forlornly at my ex (couldn't think of anything worse to be honest 🤣)

cansu · 30/04/2022 20:10

She was part of his life. Why should he erase all records of her. He presumably has some happy memories of their life. You sound jealous and insecure. I would tell you to grow up. If he did lie to you it is because you are controlling about this.

Ohsoworried · 30/04/2022 20:14

I still have photos of my ex, and me with my ex. He was abusive and has no access to our child. Our child might want to see the photos one day. I have no emotion attached to them. I'd be annoyed if anyone asked me to delete them.

SomersetONeil · 30/04/2022 20:17

RoseA89 · 30/04/2022 19:00

Thanks all. It’s just that he’s made several comments about me having photos of guys (including friends)

It’s absolutely fine for people to have photos of their past family life on their phone. You are being unreasonable to ask him to remove them.

Likewise, he is being completely unreasonable making these comments ^^ to you.

Honestly - this all just sounds so teenage and silly. You’re grown adults (presumably).

Leave each other’s phone and photos alone and get on with your day. This doesn’t matter.

5128gap · 30/04/2022 20:19

I don't think its unreasonable he has them, and think that memories of a marriage and children with someone is a different from keeping momentos of less meaningful relationships. A marriage and co parenting are huge deals, and a key part of his life for ever, which I think subsequent partners have to be prepared to accept.
I hate lies, but know that sometimes people feel they are the easiest option when there is stalemate and they can't and won't do what the other person wants. They think it's preferable to endless rows or breaking up the relationship.
I think you need to accept that it's really important to him to have these photos and decide if you can live with that.
You're also reasonable to keep your own photos of your friends.

OgdensGoneNutFlake · 30/04/2022 20:20

This sounds like a very unhealthy and immature situation...
It's normal and fine to have pictures of your life on your phone.

NC498 · 30/04/2022 20:22

I have photos of my first marriage still, loads of places we visited, videos of good times, wedding photos, they are memories and we had a great marriage just grew apart in the end. My current husband isn’t bothered, can’t erase the past, like I’m not bothered about pictures with him and the mother of his kids. So I think it’s perfectly normal, I wouldn’t be insecure about it.

Beees · 30/04/2022 20:23

To be honest the more you post the more I'm wondering why you're both in this relationship.

caringcarer · 30/04/2022 20:30

I not only deleted all photos of my ex on my phone I burned all wedding photos too. I gave away every last piece of jewelry he bought me too and there were some nice pieces but I would not wear them after we had broken up. I would not be happy if my now husband had photos of past gf's on his phone. He does not have kids but I would naturally expect those if he had any.

UrslaB · 30/04/2022 20:31

In the first instance I would ask why you were asking him to delete/get rid of pictures of his ex? That is like asking someone to delete/get rid of their memories. You are trying to erase history and connections. Yes, he has split up from his ex and no longer feels for her what he now does for you but just because they are seperated now does not mean he does not cherish or look back fondly on past memories. Asking someone to delete such reminders which may have emotional resonance seems weirdly controlling and posessive to me. Those photos represent his past, and are a timeline of how he became the person he is...the person who met you.

I am with my partner now. I love her. My feelings for my ex's have wilted and are mere shadows in the past, I never would even consider getting back with them. Yet...I still have all my photos of our time together and I would never delete them. Those are my memories and momentos of times past. Some of them very happy times, so not so happy, but they are mine and they represent experiences which made me the person I am. Without those experiences I wouldn't be who I am now so I am not going to erase the evidence of that.

Setting that aside, the fact he said the photos were gone but they actually weren't raises questions. Did he lie to you or did he genuinely forget he had those photos? If he lied, why? That why is the key to understanding whether you are entitled to be angry or not.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/04/2022 20:39

I said my DH has made comments about me having photos as in I better not have photos.

Nice, normal blokes don't say weird stuff like this OP. It's weird.

Whatsmyname100 · 30/04/2022 20:49

How is he your dh and you have a child together and this is the first time you have noticed these photos?

moredogsthansense · 30/04/2022 20:59

Ohsoworried · 30/04/2022 20:14

I still have photos of my ex, and me with my ex. He was abusive and has no access to our child. Our child might want to see the photos one day. I have no emotion attached to them. I'd be annoyed if anyone asked me to delete them.

Yes! My mum was born in 1926, and when she was 2 her father left and was never seen again. I never saw a photo of him until a couple of years ago, when mum’s cousin died and her daughter sent us a photo of my grandparents on their wedding day, which her mum had in her family photos unbeknownst to us. My grandfather was clearly a complete shit 100 years ago, but I was still very pleased to finally find out what he looked like.

Bintymcbintface · 30/04/2022 21:19

You sound kind of irrational. Don't you think it's perfectly natural for him to have photos of his children and their mother? They're a part of him and his life, his children might want to see pictures of their mummy... If you were sending yourself pictures of your dc from his phone, how do you know he has "100s of photos"? Surely you'd just tap the few you wanted and return the phone, not scroll through his entire gallery. YABU and sound quite controlling