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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is suspicious or am I being paranoid

101 replies

onamountain · 30/04/2022 18:13

Me and DH both have a house key, we then have two family members locally who have spares.

This morning I went out with both DC, leaving DH to take the dog for a walk (she’s very young and was hyper!). I took my key in case he was out when we got back.

When we got back I noticed that DH’s key wasn’t in the key pot (don’t think it had been when I went out either). I asked him where was his key and he said he had accidentally left it in his car yesterday, didn’t think much of it.

I later thought to ask him which key he used to lock up when he took the dog out in the morning, he said he used the spare. I said I didn’t know there was a spare and could he show me where it is, he tried to distract me away from the topic. So I started looking through the key cupboard and trying all the unlabelled keys, explaining that I just wanted to make sure we knew where all the keys were. He became definitely shirty at this point, and I asked him to show me which key he used to lock up - none of them fit the lock.

At this point he became quite defensive, asked why I was being paranoid and what I was suspicious had been going on. I said I wasn’t sure but had a sense I was being lied to and felt uncomfortable about it. He said it was a small detail and didn’t matter, it was that small that he couldn’t even remember what key he used to lock up and that I was being ridiculous and should leave it.

We left the conversation there and he’s now in a grump with me. I just feel uneasy about it but not sure why or what I’m concerned he has done. I’m fairly sure he took the dog out as she was much calmer and seemed tired when I got back.

AIBU?

OP posts:
user1477249785 · 30/04/2022 21:39

It's the entirely disingenuous 'explaining I wanted to make sure we knew where the keys were' that gets me.

newnamethanks · 30/04/2022 21:41

Oh, the utter joy of living alone. An interrogation like this over something so trivial would see me packing my bags and seeking solitude.

Babyvenusplant · 30/04/2022 21:49

Just the image I have of you going through all the keys hysterically has really tickled me

TheHumanExperience · 30/04/2022 21:50

DropYourSword · 30/04/2022 20:19

This!

He's clearly lying and there's no need for it. You're suspicious only because he's acting suspiciously!! Why not just be honest.

Show quote history

I agree with DropYourSword. The problem is the lie. Why did he feel the need to lie rather than just say he forgot the key. A lot of people here seem fine with the lie but I wouldn't be. If people lie about the little things..... All strong relationships are built on trust. Lies, yes even small totally unnecessary ones, break that trust and cause doubt in a relationship. If it was me I'd just ask him if he didn't lock the door. As long as you're not someone who makes a big deal out of it. Nothing bad happened this time. His reaction makes this concerning. What is he hiding? Trying to cover up a small mistake has created a bigger problem than if he just fessed up,

ReadyToMoveIt · 30/04/2022 21:57

Why did he feel the need to lie rather than just say he forgot the key

Based on the OP, I’d say it’s because he knows she has a tendency to make a massive issue out of minor things.
She doesn’t come across as the type to say ‘ok, no problem’ if he’d said ‘I didn’t lock up’.

Lou98 · 30/04/2022 21:57

I think he probably left the door unlocked when he went out with the Dog, either that or he never took the dog out.

Honestly though, I think your reaction was far too over the top. You didn't actually know what you were worried about yet you quizzed him over where his key was then proceeded to try every spare key you have in the house. Why not just say you didn't think you had a spare? Why go to the effort of trying every one first to make him look like a dick?

Threeboysandadog · 30/04/2022 22:28

He hasn’t lost the key. He has given it to his mistress so she can come and go at her leisure (but only when she sees you and the children pass her road end on your way out). There is a spare key. He got it cut so that he could get in and out of the house without asking you, the mistress or the two local relatives to borrow their keys as that may raise suspicion.

Today, when questioned (not under oath, although it felt like it at the time), he inadvertently mentioned the “spare” key and then panicked as he knew, with your detective like key testing skills, you would realise that it was not the original and become suspicious. He tried to change the subject in case you decided to interrogate the dog who, of course, knows the truth but, (ladies and gentlemen of the jury) witnessing your relentless search for the truth (and keys) decided just to “go into a grump” so that you wouldn’t question him further.

alternatively

He left the door unlocked (and would have better just confessing to it in the first place).

longcoffeebreak · 30/04/2022 22:35

Why are you so suspicious of him?

I think it is unlikely that this level of suspicion (and your 'investigation') can be related to just this incident.

NoSquirrels · 30/04/2022 22:45

He left the door unlocked.

He knew you’d kick off.

You both need to think about why.

burnoutbabe · 30/04/2022 22:49

Forgot to walk the dog? Fine but poor dog

Went out and left door open? Very bad.in my fist that would be foir ajar, telling anyone passing that it's open.

I suppose others may have doors that close but not lock. Slightly better but still not Insured.

ReadyToMoveIt · 30/04/2022 22:50

I suppose others may have doors that close but not lock

I think most people have doors that close without locking them.

gianaInfertilitySucks · 30/04/2022 22:50

I'm with you, when you feel like they're lying, they probably are. I believe he left the door open and didnt want to get into an argument about it.

FabFitFifties · 30/04/2022 23:04

I leave my house key in the car accidently all the time - though I would retrieve it when I needed to go out. In fact I retrieve it as soon as I realise. Is he the type to be lazy and think sod it, and just leave the door? He is trying to cover, either not walking the dog, or leaving door unlocked. I'd drop it now.

burnoutbabe · 30/04/2022 23:05

ReadyToMoveIt · 30/04/2022 22:50

I suppose others may have doors that close but not lock

I think most people have doors that close without locking them.

I think I have had those once. Every other flat has a latch that will shut behind you and you can't get back in without a key.

I also have a bigger lock as well. 5 lrver thing?

OwlinaTree · 30/04/2022 23:06

It's all very well saying 'no big deal' to the op that he left the door unlocked. It would be a big fucking deal if someone came in and nicked all their stuff.

PlasticineMeg · 30/04/2022 23:11

Babyvenusplant · 30/04/2022 21:49

Just the image I have of you going through all the keys hysterically has really tickled me

🤣 I can picture the OP picking each one up and squinting at it in a passive aggressive way before saying “I don’t think it’s this one but i could be wrong”

ReadyToMoveIt · 30/04/2022 23:19

OwlinaTree · 30/04/2022 23:06

It's all very well saying 'no big deal' to the op that he left the door unlocked. It would be a big fucking deal if someone came in and nicked all their stuff.

Chances of someone happening to try their particular door on the off chance while he’s out walking the dog in the morning are pretty slim, no?

Onwards22 · 30/04/2022 23:19

YABVU obviously - what a massive over reaction on your part.

I hope this is out of character for you else you sound very controlling.

I don’t often feel sorry for the DHs on here but if this is a reflection of your every day behaviour then I would be encouraging him to rethink the relationship.

Shedcity · 30/04/2022 23:27

I’d guess he didn’t walk the dog
but since he’s reacting so defensively and you’re reacting so dramatically to not knowing exactly how many keys work in your front door, then maybe something is up and your gut is telling you so!

CutesyUserName · 30/04/2022 23:27

If he left the key in his car, when he went out for his walk and maybe had to leave the door unlocked (as suggested by pp's), did he not just go and retrieve the key from the car?

Is it possible he has lost the key or had it pinched from his car (if it was really ever there) and he doesn't want to tell you?

burnoutbabe · 30/04/2022 23:35

But if he had lost the key then it's even worse as who knows who had it and can just use it to cone into the house, including when the op is at home alone.

If a key is lost, locks need to be changed surely?

MarilynValentine · 30/04/2022 23:40

Yeah the issue is his refusal to tell the truth.

all the caper with checking the keys was to highlight how false his story was.

OP YANBU.

TitoMojito · 01/05/2022 09:00

Barneysma2 · 30/04/2022 18:18

Well what i get from this is he went out walking the dog but didnt lock the door as he had left his key in the car and when you asked him about how he locked the door he made up about a spare key as he prob thought youd have a go at him for leaving the door unlocked!

Definitely this. Dunno why he's being so cagey about it though.

NoSquirrels · 01/05/2022 09:10

OwlinaTree · 30/04/2022 23:06

It's all very well saying 'no big deal' to the op that he left the door unlocked. It would be a big fucking deal if someone came in and nicked all their stuff.

It’s no ‘no big deal’ he left the door unlocked - clearly he shouldn’t have, that’s why he lied.

But the whole thing is weird. Why was the OP so obsessed by keys - I don’t know where my DH’s keys are and I don’t care, I just trust he has them and him me, we don’t check up on each other, we’re adults. In fact I don’t check my teen’s keys either.

I asked him where was his key and he said he had accidentally left it in his car yesterday, didn’t think much of it.

This is passingly normal.

I later thought to ask him which key he used to lock up when he took the dog out in the morning,

This is veering into obsessively fixating on a detail. And the whole escalation to searching the house, trying the keys in the door - way over the top.

If OP reacts to things like this - overreacts, fixates on details - then he’s probably defensive and inclined to lie for an easy life. Poor behaviour but fixable. Why is he lying for an easy life, though? Is it because he’s often in trouble for things he does or doesn’t do?

Presumably OP is fixated on him lying because if he IS often in trouble for stuff he does/doesn’t do this is more evidence of him being a shit husband.

So they have underlying issues that are feck all to do with a key or a dog walk.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 01/05/2022 09:39

What is it your actually accusing him of ? One thing is certain he didn’t lock the door perhaps he left it unlocked or he didn’t bother walking the dog . He probably assumed wrongly that he just went I took the spare and that would be end of conversation, but because you went on he couldn’t back down . I would’ve said I know you didn’t lock the door love not sure why your lying. But tbh the way you reacted I’m not surprised . It all seems very silly and I personally wouldn’t give it the headspace.