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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men can be faithful?

83 replies

VeryGoodVeryNice · 29/04/2022 22:20

I’ve always believed that men are just as capable as women to be loyal, and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on, but a conversation with a male friend has left me wondering.

He said that men are basically incapable of saying no to a woman offering them sex, and that this is driven by a primitive urge to spread their seed far and wide, so it’s partly out of their control. He said that one reason for this is that the situation is different for men; they very rarely get sex offered to them on a plate, in the same way that women do, so when that situation does occur it’s pretty much impossible to turn it down.

In a way I can see where he’s coming from there, as a female I have rejected the vast majority of offers of sex that I’ve had, and I think most women would have had similar experiences. But men don’t tend to walk into a pub and get hit on in the same way.

So I said ok, what about if you’re with someone you really love, and then someone else offers you sex? Without hesitation he said that made no difference - that it could be a friend of the woman he loves and he’d still shag her if she offered it to him. Even if he knew it would mean losing the person he loved, he still wouldn’t be able to overcome the primitive urge.

I told him he’s talking bollocks and of course men are capable of controlling themselves. But he was absolutely adamant that he is correct, and that all of his male friends are the same way, although obviously they would never admit this to their wives/girlfriends.

So AIBU to still think (hope?) he’s talking shit? Or is it really harder for men to be faithful?

OP posts:
XmasElf10 · 30/04/2022 07:59

He’s a twat. Men are just capable of saying no as women. He just doesn’t WANT to and has made himself an excuse.

LuaDipa · 30/04/2022 08:44

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 29/04/2022 22:22

Your friends a twat, of course men can be faithful, they have just as much ability as women do to say 'No thanks' if propositioned.

I'm guessing he has fairly low expectations of himself behaviour wise in general.

Yep.

Honeyroar · 30/04/2022 08:50

This what I’ve often thought reading a lot of mumsnet threads. It makes me a bit sad that some women have such low expectations and think it’s something you’ve just got to accept. I’m not saying NO men do those things, some do, quite a few, but plenty don’t.

pinkyredrose · 30/04/2022 08:58

He said that men are basically incapable of saying no to a woman offering them sex, and that this is driven by a primitive urge to spread their seed far and wide, so it’s partly out of their control

Hahahahaha!

ohfook · 30/04/2022 09:09

I think your friend is wrong but I also know a lot more men cheat than most people believe. This is totally anecdotal from when I used to work in quite a male dominated industry; more than one workplace. Most of the men cheated but could rationalise it perfectly well and certainly wouldn't have considered it cheating (just a blow job, on a stag do and in my mind the most deplorable one to demonstrate to a friend who liked her that she was a slag - this was more than once). It left me thinking there's far more cunts in the world than I had previously believed!

PurassicJark · 30/04/2022 09:20

Sounds like he's got his excuse lined up for when he cheats. God help his current/future wife.

They don't all cheat, nor do all women cheat.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/04/2022 09:44

The thing is, everyone thinks that THEIR partner would never cheat. I work with a guy that cheated on his partner at the Christmas party (I saw him do it). I'm sure his partner has no idea and believes that he would never cheat.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/04/2022 09:45

ohfook · 30/04/2022 09:09

I think your friend is wrong but I also know a lot more men cheat than most people believe. This is totally anecdotal from when I used to work in quite a male dominated industry; more than one workplace. Most of the men cheated but could rationalise it perfectly well and certainly wouldn't have considered it cheating (just a blow job, on a stag do and in my mind the most deplorable one to demonstrate to a friend who liked her that she was a slag - this was more than once). It left me thinking there's far more cunts in the world than I had previously believed!

Same here, I work with mostly men and it's quite an eye opener.

Grasscow · 30/04/2022 09:53

Research has shown that most men are broadly attracted to most women, whereas most women are attracted to few men.

Justleaveitblankthen · 30/04/2022 09:53

Hmm, you are posting this question on a forum that is inhabited largely by women 😁 Of course the replies are going to be a resounding "No! Your male friend is talking rubbish!"
If you posed this question on a forum dedicated to men, I'm afraid you would get a more truthful answer.

In my own experience, as a now middle aged woman who has been largely single all my life and travelled extensively, your friend is speaking a lot of sense.
Not saying everyone of course - but easily more than 50% would have 'cheated' on their partners given the opportunity. This is not just my experience, but that of other single women friends too.
Sorry OP, but it's true.
There are also plenty of women that are hardwired this way.. and that's all I'll say about that 😁

dangerrabbit · 30/04/2022 10:08

Is your friend Boris Johnson?

ManateeFair · 30/04/2022 10:14

Your friend is a weak-willed cheat who judges all men by his own low standards. Of course men are capable of being faithful and men absolutely do reject offers of sex.

LimeSegment · 30/04/2022 10:48

I think men can be faithful, but I don't think many are faithful because their loyalty and love for their partner. Some are shy/socially awkward/anti social or have a low sex drive, so they wouldn't want to sleep around even if asked, even if their dp said it was OK. But I don't think their are many men that are asked to cheat, and want to do it, but resist.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/04/2022 10:50

Men can cheat in one relationship and be completely faithful in another, just like women can - it depends on whether they feel everything they need - physical or emotional - is there in their current relationship.

Men can feel lonely, vulnerable and unloved as much as anybody else - and they can feel entitled, selfish, angry and like proving a point to themselves.

I know Men who when their partners left them, they never really got over the loss and just weren't able to 'move on' because they still loved the woman who left them, didn't feel it was right to date anybody else or nobody ever gave them the 'flips' that their ex did. With women, though, they either went into new relationships easily enough or decided they didn't want to bother out of dislike for men/sharing a life/having sex. On the whole, the women I know adapt to the idea of meeting somebody else far more easily.

Your 'friend' is a twat.

Shodan · 30/04/2022 10:51

So what he's actually saying is that men are weaker than women, yes?

Poor little fluffikins, unable to exert any influence on their biological urges.

Gotta feel sorry for the weaker sex, haven't you?

HYT · 30/04/2022 11:02

I am a counsellor and there is an element of truth in this unfortunately from the feedback I get from couples in these situations. Not all men will, as most don’t get the opportunity. It would be interesting to know the stats from those that have the opportunity though. I deal with more women who have cheated than men though although sex is rarely the primary reason for that.

valerianaofficiana · 30/04/2022 11:05

Purely academically, both sexes are capable of cheating whilst in a committed relationship, equally.
However, men tend to accept offer for casual sex from pretty much any woman they find even mildly attractive; women on the other hand wouldn't go for it unless they are uncontrollably sexually attracted to the chap propositioning them, which given the rarity of truly attractive men about, is statistically less likely to happen.
Of course there are myriad of reasons why some women cheat with ugly chaps, need to feel appreciated etc. ad nauseam, but going with massive generalisation here.
🤓

Dufton · 30/04/2022 11:09

I've never been propositioned for casual sex by someone I liked, Tom Hardy has not approached me for some reason!

This. The men who have walked up to me and offered me sex have been unattractive. I came to the conclusion that they don't actually get sex this way but they are bitter and do it to make women uncomfortable.

TheGreatATuin · 30/04/2022 11:10

I think a lot of men would cheat if they had the opportunity, but definitely not all of them and certainly not all of those with any random woman who offered them sex.
I do think 'I can't help it' is very commonly used as an excuse, but it's just that, an excuse.
Years ago, I worked in a very laddish environment and I was one of the few women. One day the 'bantz' was all about who you'd 'do' if you got a hall pass, and the guys kept badgering this one other man, let's call him 'Jeff', about who he'd pick.
Jeff was just getting more and more irritated and I remember him saying, "I just don't want a hall pass. I'm only interested in Jane,*.'
Jeff and I are friends on Facebook and whenever I see a photo of him, Jane and his family, it's clear how much he adores them.
So whenever this question comes up, I always think of Jeff and how he wasn't interested in even an imaginary 'hall pass' affair.
He simply didn't want anyone other than the woman he was married to and was getting quite irritated just at the idea of it.

DressingGownofDoom · 30/04/2022 11:22

I don't think it's anything to do with biological urges. I think men are just raised in a society where they are encouraged to be self centred, dismissive of their partners feelings and genuinely think that having their ego stroked is more important than being faithful to their wives and children.

Superhanz · 30/04/2022 11:28

What a load of shite.

I trust my husband 100%, I've no doubt he'd turn down sex if propositioned.

Original poster
VeryGoodVeryNice · 30/04/2022 11:29

Some mixed opinions then.

I think what got me worried about this conversation is that I know that my bf has never turned down sex in his life. He is very shy and not one to have the confidence to chat people up, so past shags have come about through chance/drunkenness, and because this has been a fairly scarce occurrence, he has never said no, regardless of how much he fancies that person.

He’s never had a relationship before me (he’s 35), so when I’ve asked him whether or not he’d be able to turn down sex if he was out and about and drunk and the situation cropped up, and he replied that he’d like to think he would be able to say no but he’s literally never been in the situation where he’s needed to turn down sex before, so he won’t really know until it happened. Which is a very honest answer, maybe to a fault, if a bit concerning. I guess what we all want to hear is no of course I wouldn’t, and I am confident in saying I wouldn’t as I can and have turned down sex many times. That said, in 2 years he hasn’t cheated on me, but I don’t know if that’s because the opportunity hasn’t been there.

What PPs have said about attractive men being more able to turn down sex could well be true, the friend who I had the conversation in the OP is not exactly a looker, to put it kindly.

OP posts:
Notaneffingcockerspaniel · 30/04/2022 11:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

stuckdownahole · 30/04/2022 12:10

ohfook · 30/04/2022 09:09

I think your friend is wrong but I also know a lot more men cheat than most people believe. This is totally anecdotal from when I used to work in quite a male dominated industry; more than one workplace. Most of the men cheated but could rationalise it perfectly well and certainly wouldn't have considered it cheating (just a blow job, on a stag do and in my mind the most deplorable one to demonstrate to a friend who liked her that she was a slag - this was more than once). It left me thinking there's far more cunts in the world than I had previously believed!

I believe there was some research showing that instances of unfaithfulness were broadly equal between men and women, but with one important difference - a greater percentage of men were unfaithful. The women that were unfaithful were more prolific (more partners) which equalled the scores, so to speak.

Which supports your theory that there are more men who would take the chance if offered.

SpringRainbow · 30/04/2022 12:11

I suppose all men will take any/ all offers of sex is true in the same way that all women want babies is.

The thing is, not all of us are a slave to our biology, it’s a bit more complex than that.