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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men can be faithful?

83 replies

VeryGoodVeryNice · 29/04/2022 22:20

I’ve always believed that men are just as capable as women to be loyal, and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on, but a conversation with a male friend has left me wondering.

He said that men are basically incapable of saying no to a woman offering them sex, and that this is driven by a primitive urge to spread their seed far and wide, so it’s partly out of their control. He said that one reason for this is that the situation is different for men; they very rarely get sex offered to them on a plate, in the same way that women do, so when that situation does occur it’s pretty much impossible to turn it down.

In a way I can see where he’s coming from there, as a female I have rejected the vast majority of offers of sex that I’ve had, and I think most women would have had similar experiences. But men don’t tend to walk into a pub and get hit on in the same way.

So I said ok, what about if you’re with someone you really love, and then someone else offers you sex? Without hesitation he said that made no difference - that it could be a friend of the woman he loves and he’d still shag her if she offered it to him. Even if he knew it would mean losing the person he loved, he still wouldn’t be able to overcome the primitive urge.

I told him he’s talking bollocks and of course men are capable of controlling themselves. But he was absolutely adamant that he is correct, and that all of his male friends are the same way, although obviously they would never admit this to their wives/girlfriends.

So AIBU to still think (hope?) he’s talking shit? Or is it really harder for men to be faithful?

OP posts:
Libertaire · 29/04/2022 22:42

He’s correct up to a point. In almost all human societies men pursue women for opportunities to have sex, and women choose which men’s approaches to accept and which to decline. Most of us know this from our own dating lives. Millions of years of evolution has biologically programmed (most) men to seek out sex, just as (most) women are biologically programmed to want babies and to select the best possible father for those babies. It’s called ‘sexual selection’. As the song says, ‘You and me baby, we ain’t nothing but mammals…’

That doesn’t mean, however, that men are incapable of turning down offers of sex and it’s ridiculous to claim they have no self-control in that situation. Of course they can say ‘No’. It just isn’t as easy or as natural for them to do so as it is for women.

PolynesianParadise · 29/04/2022 22:42

Two types of men: ones who seek sexual experiences with a variety of women, ones who seek sexual variety within their relationship.

PumpkinsandKittens · 29/04/2022 22:43

YouAreNotBatman · 29/04/2022 22:37

Going againts the grain here, but yeah, most men would cheat if they had the opportunity.
Even more so if not getting caught were guarenteed.

I agree

Powerofthedog · 29/04/2022 22:43

I think most men cheat. The job I just left I worked with 5 men - and at least 4 of them have cheated. I think you’re naive to think your partner would never cheat.

DropYourSword · 29/04/2022 22:44

they very rarely get sex offered to them on a plate

With an attitude like his, I can well believe that would be true of him!
He's talking utter shite. "Men" are perfectly capable. This guy himself isn't. No one person is representative of the whole.

CockingASnook · 29/04/2022 22:52

He’s talking deluded, self-serving nonsense. Of course men can turn down sexual propositions. And many men are faithful, it’s only the narcissistic arseholes who aren’t. Not sure how of those there are tho.

Jonny1265 · 29/04/2022 22:57

Total BS. I've never been unfaithful and have had the odd offer but have been totally able to turn them down🙄. Your friend is making excuses for his piss poor behaviour.

Original poster
VeryGoodVeryNice · 29/04/2022 23:11

@Jonny1265 thank you for a man’s POV that disputes his theory!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/04/2022 23:19

So I said ok, what about if you’re with someone you really love, and then someone else offers you sex? Without hesitation he said that made no difference - that it could be a friend of the woman he loves and he’d still shag her if she offered it to him.

Your friend is a twat who stinks of male entitlement and sexism.

I really wouldn't personally be mates with someone who thought so little of themselves and 50% of the population and justified shitty behaviour with basically 'we think with our dicks so it's not our fault' AND views sex as something women give to men rather than something people do together as equals.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/04/2022 23:20

I think men are more likely to cheat than women. I also don't think that humans are programmed to be monogamous.

From what I've seen in my life, a large number of men cheat or would cheat if they had the chance. Certainly not all, but more than expected.

Rinatinabina · 29/04/2022 23:28

He’s justifying his own behaviour. Plenty of men don’t cheat.

User135644 · 29/04/2022 23:38

Libertaire · 29/04/2022 22:42

He’s correct up to a point. In almost all human societies men pursue women for opportunities to have sex, and women choose which men’s approaches to accept and which to decline. Most of us know this from our own dating lives. Millions of years of evolution has biologically programmed (most) men to seek out sex, just as (most) women are biologically programmed to want babies and to select the best possible father for those babies. It’s called ‘sexual selection’. As the song says, ‘You and me baby, we ain’t nothing but mammals…’

That doesn’t mean, however, that men are incapable of turning down offers of sex and it’s ridiculous to claim they have no self-control in that situation. Of course they can say ‘No’. It just isn’t as easy or as natural for them to do so as it is for women.

Most men will never get asked.

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 29/04/2022 23:56

What a load of crap. My "best" friend hit on my husband. She also hit on another friends husband. Both husbands basically said "Wft are you doing? I'm not interested."
Then told their respective wives about it.

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 29/04/2022 23:57

Oh and friend is very good looking.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 30/04/2022 00:06

Not all men cheat. I know plenty that are happily married/in relationships and don’t cheat and only a few that do. I disagree that they have less opportunities though, my husband is in many more situations where there would be potential to meet people/ flirt etc. Work, sports and pub to name a few. He just chooses to be in a faithful marriage.

Graphista · 30/04/2022 05:17

He's full of shit!

Some men are incapable of being faithful. Others have no problem doing so at all.

The same is true for women

It's easier for men to get away with it generally speaking thanks to a mix of biology (men can't get pregnant and also tend to be asymptomatic with stis) and misogyny and patriarchy - promiscuous men are lauded and praised women are vilified and condemned

I agree with @SickAndTiredAgain he's bordering on rapist language

alittlefickle · 30/04/2022 06:47

In my experience (sorry about this), 4 out of 6 of my relationships have cheated. I have NEVER cheated and would never cheat.

I still hope one day I will be in a faithful relationship.

EBearhug · 30/04/2022 06:56

Of course men can turn down sex, even when they're not in a relationship. Some of them are even charming and tactful about it.

stimpyyouidiot · 30/04/2022 07:03

My dad once told me that 'all men cheat' (while drunk and crying at me)

I suspect he was attempting to justify what he did to my mum.

forinborin · 30/04/2022 07:06

I am somewhat with your friend... all cheating stories that I know is where the man is not exactly what you would call popular. More attractive guys seem to find it easier to turn down women who show interest, as there's no novelty in it for them.
As a woman, I don't think I have ever turned down genuine sex offers either (I am not very attractive), so I get the scarcity mindset.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 30/04/2022 07:13

I had several men turn me down in my younger years (none of us married) and I was what you would call conventionally attractive and quite confident. So it clearly is possible.

I do think a lot of men cheat, or want to cheat, but of course there are plenty of decent men who don't. That is just sleazy men trying to use biology as an excuse for their shitty behaviour.

Buildingthefuture · 30/04/2022 07:16

Having worked almost solely with men for the last 20 years, I think infidelity is far more widespread than is acknowledged. A lot of them have cheated at some point and those that haven’t, would if given the opportunity (sorry!) There are of course exceptions to this, and I still think your friend is talking shit. Those that have cheated didn’t do it because of a biological urge that they were unable to control. These are fully functioning, adult men, entirely capable of saying no if they wanted to. They CHOSE to do it, simply because they are pathetic, selfish wankers who need the ego boost of someone wanting to shag them, even if said someone is…..a bit of a minger?Most of them refuse to see the harm in it, if they think their wife/partner will never find out. It’s grim and before I started in this industry, I had no idea!!!!

Dillydollydingdong · 30/04/2022 07:19

My dp would be horrified at the idea! (I think!) I'll have to ask him.

Lex345 · 30/04/2022 07:27

"All men cheat"
"All men watch porn"
"All men ogle women"
Etc etc ad nauseum

These lines are trotted out to justify shitty behaviour and to minimise what they have done. Its kind of sad because the implication is the entire gender doesn't have a brain between it to behave like decent human beings.

Its no wonder he is single with that attitude.

Novella12 · 30/04/2022 07:36

Ha, this made me laugh because at university I had a male friend who said exactly the same thing (almost word for word). I wonder if they have listened to the same podcast??

But I agree with the majority of posters here. What he said was absolute nonsense.