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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eaten up by envy

68 replies

Uglyjealousy · 29/04/2022 18:47

I'm in my early 40s, and opted out of the rat race about a decade ago in favour of a quiet life on the countryside, and I do love it. Wonderful family, nice house, decent job.

But a lot of the people I used to work /socialise with stayed in on rather challenging career parh and have reached the age and level of seniority where they are becoming known and successful in their field. Writers, thinkers, advisors... It seems that not a week goes by without the name of someone I used to know popping up somewhere, celebrating or at least recognising their intellect and their success.

I'm happy for them, and I do understand the sacrifice and hard work attached to these successes, which frankly was work I was not willing to put in. But despite the obvious - that I am generally happy with my lot, and that they worked harder than me - I still look at them and it makes me feel insignificant and like a bit of a failure.

Please, good people of Mumsnet, give my head a wobble?

OP posts:
Original poster
Uglyjealousy · 29/04/2022 18:48

Also, please forgive my fat fingers.

OP posts:
JuneOsborne · 29/04/2022 18:49

Ah, honey. The world is a wonderful place and there's joy in it. You found your joy, they found theirs. And I bet they too sometimes wonder if their joy is the 'best' joy there is out there.

This feeling will pass. Tell me some things about your life that you properly love.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 29/04/2022 18:51

Envy is the thief of joy.

Oh I loves me a platitude.

I’ve never achieved greatness. But that’s just fine.

JuneOsborne · 29/04/2022 18:51

Full disclosure. I got off the career ladder for a lot of years for other reasons. My pals too kept on and now have quite different lives. I'm working again, but I'm 10 years behind them. But that's ok, I made those choices and they made theirs.

Their life isn't 'better' than mine and mine isnt better than theirs. It's different!

JuneOsborne · 29/04/2022 18:52

@JayAlfredPrufrock ain't the saying 'comparison is the thief of joy'? 😂

AChocolateOrangeaday · 29/04/2022 18:54

@JayAlfredPrufrock not enough to get said platitude right though.

It’s comparison, not envy.

FrenchBoule · 29/04/2022 19:01

Everybody values different things in life.You have decided to quit the rat race and got a quiet life.Nothing wrong with that.
Success sometimes comes at a price. Don’t envy people, some of them would be envious of your lifestyle.
You’re not a failure by any means.

Do you generally feel accomplished in your life?

TabithaTittlemouse · 29/04/2022 19:03

I would rather have what you have op.

WinterDeWinter · 29/04/2022 19:03

I think lots of those people will be wondering if they should have been with their kids /[insert a bit of your life here] a bit more.
Also, I think at that level there is always someone who is a bit more successful/well thought of/'very now' than you. People have a moment, and then fade a bit. And if you have any cracks in your self-esteem (which most do) that can eat you up.
I've had two careers which people were sort of interested in at parties, and it took me a long time to get used to not equating my worth with that. I'm much more balanced now.

GreenLunchBox · 29/04/2022 19:06

I think you know an unusual amount of very accomplished people is all.

GreenLunchBox · 29/04/2022 19:07

I know lots of professionals but I wouldn't say most of them are constantly having their name recognised

Fidodidit · 29/04/2022 19:07

I think it depends I think whether you feel you would have actually achieved the level of success you’d ended up striving for.

pixie5121 · 29/04/2022 19:08

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

pattish · 29/04/2022 19:08

I feel this, but for different reasons. I left my unhappy marriage a few years ago and, while it was the right thing to do, I’m still green with envy at friends who are happily married. They are financially so much better off than me and enjoy lovely meals out and holidays abroad. Meanwhile I scrimp and worry about money ALL the time. They also all seem to have supportive husbands who love them. Mine couldn’t stand me.

It is what it is, but it’s the life I wanted to live.

I have no advice OP other than that I try to look at what I love about my independent life and focus on that.

MarshaBradyo · 29/04/2022 19:12

Don’t let it eat you up

But if you are very envious can you go back to it and put in the work to get to same position?

Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow · 29/04/2022 19:12

They will have had days, op, when they wished they had opted out and chose a gentler path. Just as today you’re wondering if you should’ve played your hand differently. Neither is ‘the right way’ to go, it’s just a different way.
Your life sounds lovely, concentrate on counting your blessings.

Neverreturntoathread · 29/04/2022 19:12

You’re looking in the wrong direction. Say you were at primary school with, I dunno, 29 others. Maybe 5 are super successful, 10 are living similar lives to yours, and the other 14 have health struggles / married the wrong person / were unlucky in career / made bad choices they can’t escape etc etc. You’re comparing yourself to only the top 5 when you should be recognising that out of the whole group you’re in the middle.

Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow · 29/04/2022 19:14

Forgot to say as well - they will have made sacrifices to get to where they are.

AutumnOrange · 29/04/2022 19:15

JuneOsborne · 29/04/2022 18:49

Ah, honey. The world is a wonderful place and there's joy in it. You found your joy, they found theirs. And I bet they too sometimes wonder if their joy is the 'best' joy there is out there.

This feeling will pass. Tell me some things about your life that you properly love.

I love this response. Going to tell myself this.

Gilesgoesformiles · 29/04/2022 19:15

You chose your life so make your peace with it. I don’t like the suggestion though that being successful means you’ve neglected your family life or have issues / cracks. It’s not success In a field versus having a life!

MardyOldGoth · 29/04/2022 19:22

I didn't get out of the rat race and at the age of 36 found myself with a chronic illness which I wholly attribute to work stress. So I'm now stuck on UC. Maybe you dodged that bullet.

caringcarer · 29/04/2022 19:25

People who are successful in life are content and fulfilled in their life and personal relationships. If you have that you are a successful person.

wanderingscot · 29/04/2022 19:28

I think you might have a life that they envy at that age.

Also, with the massive increase of WFH, can you not get back on the career ladder now and have the best of both worlds. Obviously it depends what field you are in

Mamabananananana · 29/04/2022 19:29

Ach youre happy and thats the goal!

NoviceNetwork · 29/04/2022 19:30

In the end our planet will be swallowed by the sun. Even if we have moved on by then, the universe is prone to entropy. The stars will go out one by one, until no light or life is left and the universe as it is ceases to exist.

So all the great people of human history, all their inventions and works, will disappear along with the rest of it.

I'd say if you have managed to find a life that brings you joy then you are definitely winning.

Hope that cheered you up Grin