Eaten up by envy

[Uglyjealousy]

I'm in my early 40s, and opted out of the rat race about a decade ago in favour of a quiet life on the countryside, and I do love it. Wonderful family, nice house, decent job.

But a lot of the people I used to work /socialise with stayed in on rather challenging career parh and have reached the age and level of seniority where they are becoming known and successful in their field. Writers, thinkers, advisors... It seems that not a week goes by without the name of someone I used to know popping up somewhere, celebrating or at least recognising their intellect and their success.

I'm happy for them, and I do understand the sacrifice and hard work attached to these successes, which frankly was work I was not willing to put in. But despite the obvious - that I am generally happy with my lot, and that they worked harder than me - I still look at them and it makes me feel insignificant and like a bit of a failure.

Please, good people of Mumsnet, give my head a wobble?

Two of my close friends are very successful and subsequently very well off. We recently went away together and I'll admit I was a bit envious of how easily they splashed the cash etc. I left the field when our levels weren't too dissimilar. So I do get it.
But I remind myself how stressed I always was. How demanding their jobs are and how realistically I could never do what they do. I'm immensely proud of them, but that world just isn't me. I have a lovely life and while I can't spend freely, I'm rich in what you can't buy. That's what I tell myself when I'm comparing myself unfavourably to their achievements.

It's not easy, but as others have said, you're much better remembering what you have achieved and set yourself goals for what you'd still like to do.

A brilliant, but terrifying perspective!

If you made the decision and it worked for you just roll with it. Comparing yourself to others is not going to gain anything.

I had to give up work through injury a couple of years ago. I struggled watching people I had brought on achieve the same level as me and wondered where I would have been if I had been able to continue.. then I realised (over time) that actually the stress and strains that came with the job was something that I was glad I didn't have. I lived for work and I missed a lot of my DC's lives as they grew up. Now I have time to spend with them and my own time, rather than some deadline that had to be met.

Enjoy what you have. We could have all had different lives but live the one you are living and live it bloody well!

YABU it doesn’t matter what you do in life the grass is always greener on the other side.

You made a choice because it was the best decision for you - don’t compare yourself with anyone else.

Thank you everyone - my head is starting to feel wobbled!

To reply to a PP's question: if I really wanted to, I probably could go back to that career, albeit at a much lower level than my old friends to start with. But really I can't see myself doing it, and sacrificing all the comfort that I have now, working the long long hours, dealing with the politics. Which is probably the answer I needed.

So in conclusion, I'd say I'm lazy and slightly bitter, but maybe starting to realise that there are many things about my life I should value more.

What about finding your own hobby that interests you and build from their ?

I’ll get my coat.

🙄😂

Some good advice here, OP but I do know what you mean and feel the same sometimes. I think a lot of it is our success = high profile job society so success is not defined very widely and by different criteria but a work related agenda.

I left due to a disability, tried to get into other fields and only now (20 yrs later) is it coming together and I see old friends with teenagers, mortgage paid off, seemingly happy marriages and your life seems so enviable as I am back in the city but like rural life.

I dont know - I guess envy has to be the impetus for change, no?

I took a definite step back (grade and hours) in my career to give more time to my kids when they were young. Many others didn’t. They have the higher salary and bigger pension.

My kids and I have some wonderful memories. I was there before and after school, on their school trips, at assemblies and concerts. I was with them when they weren’t well without the guilt of missing work. Now they’re older I have increased my hours, but I’m not full time and a long way behind those in my cohort who did not to drop a grade and go part time. I won’t get that back now as I’ve been bunny hopped by others.

I have lost 3 good friends to ill health during the pandemic and lost my mum when I was a teenager, I wouldn’t change those memories for me or my kids for the world. There’s a good chance that with my family history my pension won’t be needed and we’re living a good and happy life while I have the chance.

You can only do what’s right for you op and you’ll never really know how everyone feels about their choices.

What’s a celebrated thinker?

I can understand how you feel, it's also difficult to feel 'left behind' I think.

However, I do feel like often the 'big' achievements are fairly fleeting in the happiness they bring, and sometimes can leave a void afterwards.... I think that happiness is usually found in the little, day to day things. (Sun out and blossom on the trees, coffee with a friend, meeting a really nice dog 😄)..

I'm still in the thick of my children being really small so daily life is pretty full on, but I saw a quote a while ago saying something like 'life is difficult, but look for the moments of magic each day' I've been doing that and there are plenty as a SAHM with zero career.

I think all anyone prob wants is to be happy, the route to get to that feeling isn't the important part.

Oh OP, envy is so tough. Yes, we all make our own choices etc but sometimes it just creeps up on you. I had decided that I didn't want to have children, but nearly went mad with envy when my friend had a baby. I was completely blindsided by it and it lasted for years. Doesn't do your self esteem much good

Agree with the advice to focus on the good in your life, and remember that no one else has it perfect, but try to go easy on yourself too. Acknowledge the envy and try to make some space for it. It's an understandable emotion, if not the easiest one to live with. Good luck

This actually did cheer me up.😂
Sometimes thinking cosmically is what is needed

I have to admit I have 2 ex colleagues who are now professors - neither esp knowledgeable, qualified beyond bachelors degrees, nor more successful than me, but I am green eyed cos I've only just been able to make time to start lecturing and both have 10 years on me...

The Prof whose course I teach on told me I should do a PhD but I'm not keen cos it's sounds like a lot of work on top of work about could take 9 years! I think he feels I'm an expert in my field (I am) but with a masters but no doctorate, the uni might not support me in being a Prof just yet.

I understand what you describe as green eyes. For me it's not real envy, it's like a projection that you could have been there.

@NoviceNetwork I agree with this nihilistic perspective but really this applies right now not at the end of time as we know it in ten thousand years. Being happy now is all that matters, as at some point in the coming years you/ me/ we all will die and at which point nothing matters. Achievements. Happiness. Sadness. Nothing. Everything ceases to exist.

At the same time I have a good job in my field I earn a lot, spend a lot and also spend a lot of time enjoying my life with family. Just because you chose to not have a career doesn’t mean those that have are sad deep down and wishing they were you!!

I'm one of the ones who stayed OP. I like the money and power, I love the access to culture and buzz of the city. But I know this won't last forever and I don't know what happens when I retire.

Also there's always someone with more - more money, more fame, more power.

I also think that the countryside and quieter pace is something to be treasured and enjoyed.

I think either path has it's benefits and drawbacks.

It's a shame we can't live lots of different lives isn't it - then we could pursue every option.

it makes me feel insignificant and like a bit of a failure.

I understand this feeling. For me it was quite fleeting, thank goodness. I heard about the relatively glamorous life of a former university classmate while I was living in a dull little town doing a valuable but conventional job and had that sinking feeling of having failed in life. I felt quite down for a while.
The truth is that my personality wouldn't have sought out or coped with the life she was leading.
It was many years ago and I moved to a place I enjoy living in even though still unexciting, and am very content.
i still remember the feeling though.

I think it really helps to focus on what you've got rather than what you haven't got so try and appreciate your slower pace of life, low stress levels and the place you live in. There will be good things about your friends' lives too but they will be different to yours.

Most people aren't well known or particularly successful and that's Ok. I'm not at all ambitious, it's not what motivates me but I'm hugely grateful for all the things I have in my life that it's easy to take for granted; good health, my family, the roof over my head, interesting (but badly paid) work, living in a beautiful place.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

have a gentle head wobble off me. Every single person alive regrets the path not travelled at some point in their lives. Could you be menopausal? I know when i hit peri all my regrets surfaced like a tidal wave. They were all totally unrealistic but that didn't make the feelings less real.

I don’t mean to be harsh but this was your choice early 30s and now you are viewing the rewards and status of others who have worked their socks off for another decade.

You still have a choice now in your early 40s in that you could no doubt pick up on a lower grade level but continue from where you stepped off. Are you prepared to do that and be honest with yourself?

I say this on the caveat of I’ve been envious of some of my peers who are senior in professional roles circa £200 - 300k plus. But whilst I had the same choices and start in life I chose to not put in the graft and pressure they did.

I do run my own company and would be viewed by many as successful which I have been and am, but my earnings are significantly lower than many of my peers. But in fairness I didn’t apply myself as they did therefore it’s hard to then wish I had their status, earnings etc. we all make our choices and you still can choose to change yours if you wish to put in the graft to climb that ladder, but you can’t be envious if you aren’t prepared to do so! They will be envious of the fact you have no work stress.

Public school background?
Most of us don't have this chance regardless of how hard we work

I think it's very normal to feel this way. You sound quite self aware and able to acknowledge your reasons for these feelings, so just sit with them and they'll pass.

I remember feeling envious when a couple of friends announced third pregnancies. Before having DC I had always wanted three (I have two). There was absolutely nothing stopping me from having another but I didn't really want the work/effort of another child I thought I would struggle with it. It was completely my choice and yet I still felt envious seeing people doing what I thought I'd do - even though I didn't really want it 😆I just let myself feel what I felt and it passed quite quickly.

I used to clean houses. It was my job. It enabled me to take my children to school, and pick them up. i was able to help out at school and still be able to make a decent contribution to the household finances. I worked hard, and did not have much spare time but I enjoyed being a part of my children's lives.

My wages made the difference between managing and being able to have holidays, change the car, do improvements to the home and to save.

I worked for a professional couple who were wealthy on paper. She had a business and he worked from home. They had no children. They had nice cars and went on super holidays. Their house was amazing. They worked long hours. One day I was talking to the guy about life.. stuff.. He told me he would have liked a family but his wife did not want children. He also told me that despite their lifestyle, I was probably better off financially than them. I think he was right. I was happy. I took caravan holidays at the seaside and they went all over the world .. to Australia... America,.. they went on walking holidays in wonderful places and skiing.. diving... I am sure they enjoyed life but to pay for all of that they had to work to pay business loans... money borrowed on their home etc and that was pressure.
They were super people but not as lucky as I

you only have to read the myriad of threads on here , from people with disabled DC, disabled themselves, struggling to pay bills etc. To realise how lucky you are.