Eaten up by envy

[Uglyjealousy]

I'm in my early 40s, and opted out of the rat race about a decade ago in favour of a quiet life on the countryside, and I do love it. Wonderful family, nice house, decent job.

But a lot of the people I used to work /socialise with stayed in on rather challenging career parh and have reached the age and level of seniority where they are becoming known and successful in their field. Writers, thinkers, advisors... It seems that not a week goes by without the name of someone I used to know popping up somewhere, celebrating or at least recognising their intellect and their success.

I'm happy for them, and I do understand the sacrifice and hard work attached to these successes, which frankly was work I was not willing to put in. But despite the obvious - that I am generally happy with my lot, and that they worked harder than me - I still look at them and it makes me feel insignificant and like a bit of a failure.

Please, good people of Mumsnet, give my head a wobble?

Be thankful for being one of the fortunate ones who were able to opt out of the rat race! Don’t compare yourself to anyone and don’t envy anyone. You took a different path that has brought you contentment. That should be all you need.

OP you have succeeded. You succeeded. Just in a different way. Be proud.

OP, I understand. Sometimes I am reminded what I could have done, but I made different choices. Obviously the choices I made were for the sacrifice I was least willing to make, or I'd have chosen differently. Accept that you can't have it all and made the choice that was most important to you and fit with your values. If you're happy and content with your lot in life, that is success to me.

I'm very like you @Uglyjealousy - but without the ugly jealousy and still in the same career so I can compare myself daily with the other option!

We moved to the country and I am currently drinking tea, looking out of my bedroom window at birds, trees and to the distant Downs. My getting-longer-by-day DS9 is stretched out next to me. I feel very content to be doing that and not at my desk from 6am "just catching up on work then I'll enjoy the weekend" as I was a decade ago.

I look round the room and it's been decorated by me and DH (with help of a great plasterer). It's transformed from Artex with dirty blue walls to a lovely bright and sunny room I love being in. We could have worked harder to earn more, and got decorators in to do it all, but I feel a real sense of connection to the place because we are doing a big chunk of it ourselves.

I've been encouraged to apply for promotion to be Head of Department- but I know this will take me away from the parts of the job I enjoy most - working with students - to endless meetings and managing my colleagues. It's just not what want. Maybe I will once DS is older. I suspect I never will. So I know I'm now stuck at the top of the salary band and job title I can achieve without taking on a role that will involve changing what I do substantially away from what I want to do.

I think you need to be true to yourself and sometimes that isn't what society deems to be success. But it is your own success.

PS - I find journaling useful for this.

Just write it all out.
Do pro and con lists.
Create mind maps.

You can be as angry / sad / pissed off with a colleague / ugly jealous as you like because only you ever see it.

But it allows you to get it all down on paper and sort through your thoughts. What really matters to you. What is at the root of your feelings.

I like a journal with dots rather than lines so it's just free-er to write in.

Strikes me that you are trying to convince yourself that you’re happy because on paper you feel you “should be” happy but actually… you’re not

When you're dead no ones going to give a shit what job you did or how far you got so you might as well just enjoy your life while you have it - life is short and you're a long time dead.

Instead of envying them do more of what you love - whatever that is. If you don't know what you love then start trying everything there is and find out.

There is a fantasy narrative people that have no career seem to spout on here which is that they’re lucky they have no pressure and that those with well paying jobs are secretly sad inside and wish they were them. It’s not true.

It's not true for you @Gilesgoesformiles - it is true for others. And success at life does not have to be measured by the size of your pay cheques or how (s)wanky your job title sounds.

Look at Boris Johnson.

The wise know that true success is counted in other ways, and one size does not fit all.

I have a colleague who did the full career thing and is now Head of Department. She told me last time we met she spends half her time wishing she could retire (mid 40s) and is now looking into going part time....

Another basically ignores half her emails because she is so overwhelmed by her work.

There's also a very illuminating thread about being a Head of D in the academics corner in here...

Congratulations and well done that you have got it all though, Giles, and that you feel top of your own particular tree.

I've noticed you've felt the need to pop up on this thread and tell us that in different ways several times.

Here, have a medal 🏅

I always think envy is a strong indicator of what we want to try our hands at next.

You are in your early forties! You still have decades to write a striking book or make a popular podcast series or design a world changing app or re-enter the rat race and become a leading strategist.

But as other PPs have said - peace and happiness are priceless and if you have found those you are very well set up in life. Some of the most successful people I know are the least satisfied.

Spot on.

@CorsicaDreaming I was enjoying your response until the mean bit at the end. I’ll ignore that.

I agree with you that absolutely success is only about what makes you happy. I’m not the top of the my field at all - I have no interest in climbing further up the career ladder as other things are more important to me.

I’m just pointing out it’s not a choice between having no career/ low paid work and being happy and having a super stressful job where you wish you can get out of the rat race. There is a happy middle many people enjoy where they have a challenging but enjoyable job that doesn’t take over their life.

This is the law of relativity. Most things are relative in life.

They enjoy greater career success than you, but potentially at a cost. Higher stress, less family time, less peace maybe?

You? More peace, perhaps more headspace, but a feeling you never quite reached your full potential.

It all comes down to perspective and gratitude for the good things in your life that you already have.

I'm probably one of the people you're going on about in the post. But to be completely honest I would change it for a heart beat to have a lovely house in the country. A job with no additional stressors and be comfortable. I work because I have too. And I'm at a point where I am naturally progressing due to my experience and longevity in the profession. However I don't love it and would give anything for more time to myself and my family.

@Gilesgoesformiles - i'm sorry but I think you did deserve the mean bit at the end, really – you've posted three times saying how are you are very successful and you're also happy and also doing the family thing well, which for the OP is probably quite hard to hear as she's having a crisis of confidence about whether she's done the right thing at the moment.

I dare say if you and I met in the pub and chatted about this, we'd get on well and probably agree more closely than we seem to here, given your latest post.

But the myth narrative always gets me about being top of field at work, and yet still having time to spend an hour at gym most days and look like a goddess, plus take children to school and attend their concerts (little Johnny is grade 5 on the violin you know, and he's only six), and my sex life is just getting better and better, and I also do lots for charity, and have time for spa days with my girlfriends, and to get my hair done every week....

Yeah right.

I'm not saying that's you at all given your latest post, Giles - but it always just pushes my buttons.

And I'm still recovering from covid at mo, so even more grumpy and forthright than normal

😉💐

Ha, I’m single, overweight and not been to a gym in years if that helps!

Lol 😂

It doesn't help as I'm well past the comparing bit 😉. But thanks for replying

Mumsnet is a funny old place!

@Gilesgoesformiles - the odd thing is I suspect people look at me externally and think it looks like I've largely got it together.

But I look at the tip that passes for my house at the moment, and the fact I'm wondering when I'm going to feel well enough to go for a decent (any) walk again, and that I don't feel I spend enough time helping (cajoling) my DS to do some writing practice which he is belligerently shit at - and don't feel I've got it together at all...