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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel at such short notice? :(

84 replies

Birthdaycake10 · 29/04/2022 16:50

I haven't seen this friend in a few years as we live hours apart but last week she said she had the weekend off work and would like to come visit my city and catch up with me / see my new baby.

I was thrilled at the time and said I'd love to so we arranged it for tomorrow.

I have existing MH problems which have been fluctuating since I had my baby but I've woken up today really struggling. I'm super anxious to the point of feeling ill, crying on and off, I'm not 'with it' at all and I'm disassociating alot. Just not in any state to be having days out to be honest.

I feel horrid for even considering to cancel but I just can't face it.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 29/04/2022 16:51

You’ve got a new baby. Be vague but honest about why you need to cancel. If she’s a real friend then she will understand.

wishitwasaduvetday · 29/04/2022 16:52

Not being unreasonable at all but tell her now so she can make other plans. Has she bought train tickets? If she has no one else to see in the area it might be kind to offer to reimburse the ticket price.

Original poster
Birthdaycake10 · 29/04/2022 16:53

19lottie82 · 29/04/2022 16:51

You’ve got a new baby. Be vague but honest about why you need to cancel. If she’s a real friend then she will understand.

If I cancel, which I think I have to, I am going to be honest about why. It's the least I owe her for spoiling our plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthdaycake10 · 29/04/2022 16:54

wishitwasaduvetday · 29/04/2022 16:52

Not being unreasonable at all but tell her now so she can make other plans. Has she bought train tickets? If she has no one else to see in the area it might be kind to offer to reimburse the ticket price.

She hasn't bought train tickets no, she's driving.

Fortunately nothing has been booked in advance, the plan was to go into the city have a walk around, see some sights do some window shopping and go for dinner.

OP posts:
Veryverycalmnow · 29/04/2022 16:55

I think you should be completely honest with her about it- she may want to help and come and entertain the baby while you rest for a bit. If she doesn't, that's fine. Xx

Firefightress1 · 29/04/2022 16:55

Are you up to her coming round for a cuppa, I often feel a bit overwhelmed about a day out but I'm happy to have people over instead.

Original poster
Birthdaycake10 · 29/04/2022 16:56

I hate myself RN. I was so looking forward to it. I just know it won't be enjoyable for either of us when I'm like this 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthdaycake10 · 29/04/2022 16:57

Firefightress1 · 29/04/2022 16:55

Are you up to her coming round for a cuppa, I often feel a bit overwhelmed about a day out but I'm happy to have people over instead.

I'm not sure she'd fancy coming all that way to sit in here with me and DH to be honest, and the thought of entertaining anybody right now fills me with anxiety 😞

OP posts:
Sally872 · 29/04/2022 16:58

Your friends priority may be to see you and baby. She may be willing to come to yours if that's more manageable?

Either way honest conversation is best way forward. Don't feel bad about it.

RedHelenB · 29/04/2022 17:00

I would try to push through this and not cancel. But by all means try to change plans so the itinerary is something you feel more able to cope witn.

Firefightress1 · 29/04/2022 17:01

Give her wee ring, I have a friend who was in a similar situation. I know she was struggling and just wanted to spend time with her and make sure she was OK. I didn't appreciate a cancellation text last minute but was absolutely fine with an honest conversation so I could speak to her and hear she was OK. If she's your friend and is coming to see you she will understand.

Whatsmyname100 · 29/04/2022 17:04

If my friend was honest and struggling I would be happy to do whatever I could to support her. Just tell your friend the truth and I'm sure she will understand. You have a new baby, that's also understandable. Hope you feel better.

BungleandGeorge · 29/04/2022 17:10

RedHelenB · 29/04/2022 17:00

I would try to push through this and not cancel. But by all means try to change plans so the itinerary is something you feel more able to cope witn.

Agree with this. She’s coming to see you so may well be happy to sit in your house or go for a walk and a coffee. You’re having a panic at the moment but would probably enjoy it. Are you getting any help with your MH?

Vikinga · 29/04/2022 17:12

I think be honest with her. Hope you feel better soon xx

PlinkPlankPlunk · 29/04/2022 17:17

What about offering to meet her, say half way between you, for coffee or lunch? Would you be able to do that with the baby? Then you wouldn’t have the anxiety of entertaining her, would get a change of scene and be able to catch up with your friend

Original poster
Birthdaycake10 · 29/04/2022 17:17

Part of me wants to push through and stick to the plan as arranged, I'm just conscious that I will totally spoil the day if im having panic attacks and walking around zoned, not being talkative etc.

I haven't had any recent help for my MH but I have in the past, and I've been doing OK for the most part, its just these past couple of months it's gone to shit again, probably because I'm postpartum - with all that entails.

DH has been on my case to make a doctors appointment, so I will.

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 29/04/2022 17:31

I think with any cancellations as much notice as possible and honesty. I don't mind people cancelling as long as they are honest and open about it, preferably a phone call. You don’t have to give her the intimate details but I am sure she will understand.

Lou98 · 29/04/2022 17:33

Birthdaycake10 · 29/04/2022 17:17

Part of me wants to push through and stick to the plan as arranged, I'm just conscious that I will totally spoil the day if im having panic attacks and walking around zoned, not being talkative etc.

I haven't had any recent help for my MH but I have in the past, and I've been doing OK for the most part, its just these past couple of months it's gone to shit again, probably because I'm postpartum - with all that entails.

DH has been on my case to make a doctors appointment, so I will.

If you still want to give the plans a try but are worried about this then if you feel comfortable to, why not give her a message tonight explaining what you've said here, that you would like to see her but you're worried about not being great company because of how you're feeling. She may well still want to come meet you anyway but then there's no pressure on you if you're struggling tomorrow and if you need to end the day out early she will know why.

It's amazing what being out around friends can do, you could end up going and having a great time but if not, explaining in advance would mean your friend will understand if you're quiet or struggling.

I do think it would be worth making a Doctor's appointment. I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember and have had help for it multiple times in the past. I was in a good place with it before getting pregnant but after having my Son my anxiety was through the roof and I went back to a bad place but I'm 11 months PP now (and accidentally pregnant with my second) and feeling much better

Original poster
Birthdaycake10 · 29/04/2022 17:34

If I go ahead without cancelling what on earth do I say about being 'off' because she's definitely going to sense that I'm not myself.

I can see the poll is almost unanimous, which I expected it would be. I don't want to let her down.

OP posts:
Seenoevil1 · 29/04/2022 17:45

Hi
I sympathise with you on the anxiety attacks - I have these and have cancelled quite a few things. It is the nature of the anxiety that this was sometimes last minute when I had that creeping feeling of dread even though, as you say, I liked the person!

Also had that horrible debilitating feeling of being totally stuck, trying to decide whether to push through or have some much-needed quiet time. All I know is when I did power through, I regretted it...

I agree with some others that posted saying whatever you decide on, a phone chat is better as you can tell someone is genuine while talking to them.

If possible - a short visit would be better, though I appreciate that is difficult in this case.

I suggest you phone your friend and say you've been experiencing anxiety attacks and while you'd love to see her again, you're not able this time as it has come on suddenly...? Take care 💐 xx

Blossomandbee · 29/04/2022 17:45

I have MH problems the same as you describe so I totally understand and I've been in this predicament myself. I'm torn between saying don't let the anxiety win, and don't push yourself if you're going to have a miserable time.
I would be honest with her and say you're struggling. Would you be comfortable with a compromise such as her coming to your house rather than a day out? Or a shorter visit so it's not so intense? Hopefully she will understand, especially as you have a new baby. That in itself is exhausting.
I hope you feel better soon, it's really miserable feeling like this.

Seenoevil1 · 29/04/2022 17:47

I voted YANBU

IvorCutler · 29/04/2022 17:57

I’m stunned at the poll tbh. I think a good friend would understand, I hope you can be honest with her? I hope you’re feeling better soon op 💐

FairyCakeWings · 29/04/2022 17:58

Is she the sort of friend that would be supportive if you told her the truth, and would she be supportive in helping you push through it for the day if you wanted to try?

Original poster
Birthdaycake10 · 29/04/2022 18:06

The problem with her coming here for the day is that we're in a small flat with no outdoor space and she's going to have her 5yo nephew with her, I should have included that in my OP actually as it is relevant.

She has made it clear that she's looking forward to a fun filled day being out in the city.

We're from a small town where there's nothing much to do you see, so visiting London is very much a novelty for her - at the same time it's not something she can do very often due to work and other commitments where she lives.

I've just realised that the sudden downward spiral today coincides with ovulation (one of my diagnosed MH problems is PMDD, im extremely sensitive to hormone fluctuations) so there's a very small chance I might feel a bit better tomorrow but its still not very likely as I've been in a slump for the past 8 weeks for the most part.

She is an understanding person, she's kind, I just know she'll be really disappointed as she's excited for the day.

OP posts: