To cancel at such short notice? :(

[Birthdaycake10]

I haven't seen this friend in a few years as we live hours apart but last week she said she had the weekend off work and would like to come visit my city and catch up with me / see my new baby.

I was thrilled at the time and said I'd love to so we arranged it for tomorrow.

I have existing MH problems which have been fluctuating since I had my baby but I've woken up today really struggling. I'm super anxious to the point of feeling ill, crying on and off, I'm not 'with it' at all and I'm disassociating alot. Just not in any state to be having days out to be honest.

I feel horrid for even considering to cancel but I just can't face it.

Next time though please try to think this through earlier, it's much better to get a heads up something like this may be coming

Believe me if I knew this might be coming I wouldn't have made the plans in the first place. I never know how I'm going to be from one day to the next.

Good. You will feel much better for having seen a friend

If she's a good friend and you explain it properly, she will understand.

The trouble is, the longer you spending faffing about it MN, the less notice you are giving her! Message her now. Just be honest (as honest as you want to be).

I do think your DH is right in suggesting that you seek some help if you're not feeling great. Hope all goes well.

Sorry, just saw your update. Maybe talking to her about how you're feeling might be a good thing...?

I wouldn't know where to begin to be honest, she's a lovely person but fortunately has no direct experience of MH problems so I think she'd struggle to relate/understand.

Its not comfortable to cancel but if you cant make it you cant make it. PUt yourself first.

Do you have PND? Just wondering if you're normally hyper anxious and dissociating?

Of course do the right thing be honest. She'll probably want to come and help.

Hope you get some help hun x

@Birthdaycake10 I hope you have a good day with your friend, I don't think it would have been wrong to cancel if you felt you couldn't manage. If I had a friend who was struggling with MH I wouldn't want them to suffer more and go through with plans if they weren't up to it. If someone is a good reliable friend but going through something difficult it's not the same as a person who is just flaky and inconsiderate.

I know it can help at times to push on and go ahead with plans, I do hope that's the case for you this time.

Would it help if your dh came on the outing with you? I remember feeling v anxious after I had ds1 (many years ago, now!) In fact , I didn’t take him out anywhere on my own for about 6 months. I could only cope if I had dh or my Mum with me to give me confidence.

YANBU - at all. Cancel & try not beat yourself up about it. It’s unfortunate, but these are chronic, distressing & disabling conditions you’re having to manage. Sometimes you can fight them & do the things most people take for granted & sometimes you just can’t.
Having a fluctuating & invisible condition myself I know how difficult socialising & just basic life can be, when you can’t count on how able to function you’re going to be on any given day.
And while of course avoiding isn’t the best way to cope with anxiety, on the occasions when you’re just not well enough, mentally or emotionally (you have PMDD too) you need to not place too high expectations on & be kind to yourself.
Which is sadly at the expense of your day out with your friend.
How much does she know about the difficulties you’re having with your m/h & is she sympathetic? She could always carry on without you as others have said. You’re only human & when in a better headspace will be able to make it up to her.

Meeting a friend versus meeting a friend with a child is a very different situation. No wonder if this has been the "little" detail that pushed your anxiety a little bit too far. I wouldnt want to do that if I can help it. A friend with her own child is one thing, but a nephew? It changes the dynamics so much and everything is likely to be evolved around him.

Good that you changed the timings in the morning.

You say your friend doesnt know much about MH issues. Perhaps this is exactlyl the right time to tell her what you struggle with. You dont have to spill it all onto her at once but generally dont hide it. As your friend she needs to know. I found so many people actually struggle too, and only say so when you speak about your own experience.

Well it’s been over 3 hours since your initial post and you still haven’t cancelled on her, despite many people telling you to do it sooner rather than later. I think it’s inconsiderate leaving it so late in the day. Just cancel and tell her the truth.

I have been in this kind of position so many times in the past, it's something about the pressure of someone else's plans depending on me that set me off when my anxiety is already bad. You know yourself best, but I would say that the times when I have pushed through have been really helpful in the long run - I now remind myself, 'well that time I felt so anxious and didn't sleep the night before etc, actually nothing terrible happened and I actually had a good time, at least for parts of it'. So I would always say push through if you can as you build positive neuropathways for the future! And even if you feel rubbish I'm sure you'll have some good moments seeing your friend, if you're going to feel anxious you might also feel anxious sitting at home, and, most of all, you are not responsible for her having a good time, even if you're a bit quiet that's fine! All the best 😊

OP posted an hour ago saying she’s going ahead. Could people read her updates before having a go?

OP, I really feel for you and have been in a very similar place. I hope you have a lovely day.

Oops just read your updates. Good at least you’ve made the times more manageable.
I echo that now could be a good time to let your friend in on your PMDD & anxiety. Might make things easier for yr friendship going forward & maybe for other friendships too. I’ve learned to caveat any plans I make with an “all being well” & “I’ll let you know nearer then how I am as god forbid I’ll have to cancel etc”.

@Birthdaycake10 Fair enough, I thought from you saying about an 8 week slump this was something you had been aware was a possibility. Hope it all goes well tomorrow and, for what it's worth, there's no shame in being open about mental health troubles.

Could you go meet her for a couple of hours, coffee and a sandwich only without your baby? Get some baby free time. Just pop to see her. You don’t have to do dinner. All the stuff you described doing would put me off and I don’t have a baby. I’m happy to meet friends for an hour coffee or a quick walk but I can’t do a whole day. I’m too socially anxious to spend that much time trying to chat and pretend that I’m a fun/normal person. Say you’ll do 11-1 and go without baby.

She may have experience of MH issues. You wouldn't automatically know. She'll also be aware of new mums having PND and of people struggling with going out because of Covid.
I hope you manage to get an appointment to discuss how you're feeling. It might be relevant that you're spiralling before a planned day out. Changes to routine can feed into anxiety.

Regarding the panic attacks and dissociation, neither is uncommon for me although I usually have more good days than bad. It has been the opposite for the past couple of months.

I have CPTSD, ADHD and PMDD. Throw in the usual postpartum stuff of sleepless nights, hormones all over the place and the general difficulties that come with a new baby I think it's all just got a bit much lately and I need to recalibrate.

This isn't my first baby I do have another DC who is disabled so that brings with it alot of ups and downs. I already ruled out taking him with us as it would just be too much for him so hes staying hime with DH - but then subconsciously I think I'm a bit worried about how he'll be with somebody unfamiliar coming into his safe space (with a child he doesn't know) as I can't just tell her to wait in the car as that'll be rude.

My friend has met my eldest but not since he was a baby so shes a stranger to him, and he's not great with other children encroaching in his personal space.

I think, but can't be sure, that her nephew has some special needs himself so there's that too.

Sorry, total mental dump there, I'm just unpicking why I think I got so worked up about it all.

You are dealing with a lot!
That is good you're meeting later. I would aim for a casual stroll in a park if the weather is nice?

I'm the same re: build-up, pressure, anxiety and spiralling thoughts.
It is good that people are more open about mental and emotional health now... great, supportive comments on here. Take care xx

That's a lot. I can see why it feels overwhelming. Don't feel you have to keep to the arrangement. A number of variables have changed eg staying in; your friend bringing her nephew, etc. Can you call your friend and just explain how you're feeling and your worries about it all? Then you can decide together whether tomorrow is a good idea or not.

@DaisyQuakeJohnson

Good idea there

I'm sure we'll have a nice time once we get going, I've got beta blockers to take as a last resort if I get a bit too anxious.

In hindsight I could have eliminated some of the stresses by just meeting her in the city but I'm not going to mess her about any further, I'm sure she isn't going to want to sit around at my place for long anyhow as she mentions making a day of it = being out.

Thanks for update and pace yourself 💐💐

Honestly don't worry about being a bit "off" - luckily she will have most of her attentions on her 5yo nephew. You will hopefully get some time to chatter on, but no on depth meaningful catch ups happen when one is trying to stop a 5yo from climbering up every gate, wanting to push every crossing light button, and asking to go into the hell that is the M&M store.

By this time tomorrow you will likely feel exhausted but a bit glad you held the arrangement up.