To cancel at such short notice? :(

[Birthdaycake10]

I haven't seen this friend in a few years as we live hours apart but last week she said she had the weekend off work and would like to come visit my city and catch up with me / see my new baby.

I was thrilled at the time and said I'd love to so we arranged it for tomorrow.

I have existing MH problems which have been fluctuating since I had my baby but I've woken up today really struggling. I'm super anxious to the point of feeling ill, crying on and off, I'm not 'with it' at all and I'm disassociating alot. Just not in any state to be having days out to be honest.

I feel horrid for even considering to cancel but I just can't face it.

Can she not come to London anyway and you must meet her for part of it? Like others have said just be honest but at least that way you feel like you have achieved something and you may enjoy it, but you don’t put too much pressure on yourself..
So, phoning and saying you haven’t been feeling great, anxious etc and might not be good company but you would like to see her but maybe just for coffee and see what she says …?
Hope you feel better soon and I think you are not being unreasonable.

Maybe if you explain you’re not great, if she’s willing to help you it could do you some good? A chat with a gods friend and getting some distraction might help.

I'm sure you're lovely but why would she cancel a day out to London just because she can't meet up with you?

She has the whole of London, why would she cancel?

I have a friend with MH problems who cancelled on me about 5 times in a row over a few months due to them and while I was disappointed, I understood that - I just made sure we made plans where not too much was 'invested'. In the end, the thing that worked was having her over to dinner when DH was out with the kids as I sensed she was a bit daunted by meeting everyone and would find it easier just to see me, and she was able to do that.

The whole purpose of coming was to see me, and go out in the city with me.

If I said I couldn't make it when she suggested visiting I'm sure she wouldn't have bothered coming down.

I could be wrong though she may well want to have a day out here regardless.

You sound like such a good friend 🙂

I would send her a message and explain how you feel. She's your friend, I'm sure she'll be supportive and hopefully it'll ease any bad feelings you may have about meeting up.
If your quiet don't worry, she'll have her nephew with her and kids fill all the silent moments! I suffer with anxiety and being quiet too and the DC are my secret weapons.

Aw...so stressful.

Could she go off with her nephew for a bit at some point in the day out in the city?

That would be ideal and give you a breather.
I'd say, if you're cancelling do it now rather than tomorrow morning...if you're going ahead think of a time-outs that you can maybe factor into the day?

Whatever you decide, I'd tell your friend a little of what you're going through...take care. xx

You're such a nice person. One cancellation and that would be it for me.

I’d still be coming if you told me what was going on. I’d try and help (if you wanted help). Even if it was just a short walk in the park.

in struggled Massively after having dc2. Unplanned and initially unwanted (because I was on the pill got pregnant again blah blah but wouldn’t change it now). I had a friend who even if I cancelled still came over. She sat with baby while I was in a funk. And one day came round and sat with the kids while I slept all day. She helped me get help. She is a legend.

I can get like this OP and I would really advise trying to push through if you can. Often a bit of distraction and focusing on someone else can get it In perspective . I'd do a halfway house of messaging to say you are feeling bad, and may need to cut the day short , or just meet for a bit of the day

You don't know what she's already cancelled, what other possibilities she's turned down or what she's had to put in place to spend the day with you, or whether she's got MH issues of her own that make her feel rubbish when people don't want to see her.

I know that's not what you want to hear, OP, and I'm honestly sorry about that, but I get so fed up with people putting their own MH ahead of everything, and not playing it forward to consider what cancellation might mean for the person being cancelled on.

It's interesting that the poll results seem to agree that YABU, but the comments are being supportive of cancellation - it feels like emotional blackmail when people say they can't do something because of MH, and nobody wants to state the obvious - cancelling at the last minute (unless it is actually impossible to get there) is pretty much always selfish and unreasonable.

I don't think you should cancel. I'm sure it'll be fine when she gets there.

Don't cancel. She's probably looking forward to it. Just put on a smile for a few hours and tell her you appreciate her effort in wanting to meet up. There are lots of threads on here about loneliness and flakiness. Don't treat someone badly who is making an effort to be a good friend.

Just tell her the truth youre not up to it especially as shes bringinher nephew aswell

Do you have any idea about mh?

I think if you're going to cancel OP, then you need to do it now. Let her know asap so that she knows well before she goes to bed tonight.

I agree with everything here. Your MH might be an explanation for your cancellation, but it doesn't make up for the upset/inconvenience you're causing your friend. If you do it several times, she would be very reasonable to stop arranging to see you.

I do, and it's not a free pass to treat people badly and then moan about not having any friends.

A close friend who knows the situation might understand, or at least be half-expecting to be let down at the last minute; but someone who the OP hasn't seen for years is an unknown quantity. It might not matter much to her, but equally, it might set off a spiral of issues with her own MH, or, more likely, be plain inconvenient and annoying. I'm surprised anyone bothers to organise anything sometimes, as so many people think it's ok to bin others off at the last minute.

Are you seriously saying that the friend's circumstances and feelings are irrelevant?

Keeping up with friendships is an investment into your own future happiness.

I think I'd probably text her to say how you're feeling then follow u with a call to see what she wants to do. Something simple like "I'm really sorry but my anxiety attacks have been getting worse again and I'm quite worried about having one whilst we're out tomorrow, especially with two young kids with us. Would it be possible to tweak the plans slightly, maybe I could meet you for a shorter time or somewhere less overwhelming? Will give you a ring in a mo to chat." Don't forget to mention you're looking into getting help, it's less frustrating dealing with issues from someone who is doing their best to prevent them.

She might be disappointed but most people would understand that a friend having a full blown anxiety attack that leaves them helping them whilst looking after two kids isn't a fun day out. Next time though please try to think this through earlier, it's much better to get a heads up something like this may be coming.

I'm not quite sure why you think she wouldn't want to still come even if she doesnt see you?
Presumably her nephew knows he is spending the day with her, and probably that they are going to London, and is excited. Do you expect her to just stay at home looking after her nephew all day instead?
I would let her know ASAP and suggest that maybe you can join her later in the day if you feel up to it, as I would imagine she will still take her nephew somewhere

If she's having to plan a day factoring in a 5 year old, she will also definitely want to know sooner rather than later!

I'm going to push through. I think the guilt of letting her down is going to make me feel worse if anything.

They we're due to arrive at 9.30 (which was contributing to the anxiety in itself as I'm up several times of the night with baby - yup still up every 2.5 hours at 6mo)

I've asked if she minds coming at 11 instead, explaining that I'm not likely to be on good form so early because of baby and sleep.

She said that's fine, she's going to grab some breakfast from a nearby cafe and come here afterwards.

She wasn't bringing her nephew initially, the plan was for just her to come down but mentioned today that he's going to be with her.