To regret offering to visit an elderly neighbour in hospital when the daughter seems emotionally and physically distant

[Seenoevil1]

AIBU to now regret offering to help and getting involved?

My elderly neighbour is in hospital with dementia and unlikely to go back home after several falls. Her daughter lives a 7 hour drive away. Her son in law came to my door with an update and I felt sorry for them living further away so I said I'd pop in and see her at the hospital, take juice etc. I distinctly said I'd do this 'when I could' - however they then sent me details of friends of hers who live in the area asking me to co-ordinate my hospital visits with them.

Her daughter said the other couple would visit on a Mon or a Tues and asked me to tell them when I was going. I explained I couldn't do weekly or a set day but will go when I can. I had thought fortnightly but didn't want to tie myself down...

I feel my casual offer has been misinterpreted and I don't know or want to liase with the other couple as I don't have the time. The hospital ward is agreeable to me and the friends visiting.

Am I being unreasonable to now feel put upon and wanting to back away?

I've handed some juice in as the woman tested positive for covid so no-one was allowed in. The nurse handed the juice to her and told me my neighbour was confused and angry that the juice wasn't from her daughter. While I was standing at the nurses station the noises made me think back to my Dads final weeks in the sane hospital (diff ward) 2 years ago at the start of the pandemic. I stood there and thought: 'What am I doing here?' Then I felt bad for my neighbour..

It has been 3 weeks since she was admitted to hospital and feel I should visit...in the meantime the family had a pre-planned trip abroad. I don't really know this family well though I chatted in the street to my elderly neighbour quite often during the lockdown as I was worried about her. I moved into the street a few months before lockdown and gave her soup and scones a few times. She is now free from the 10-day isolation the hospital imposed and will be able to see visitors. I've not had any recent communication from her daughter other than that her mum would have to isolate for 10 days.
A previous text message was quite business-like, thanking me for handing things in and saying she had phoned and got an update from nursing staff.

Any advice? I feel as though I'm being contrary but also feel put upon. I don't know when the daughter is coming to visit next and I was a carer for many years for my late father who lived near me.

Oh, that's great! You can join the roster also.

I don't think the OP has made a single judgment of the daughter, only reluctantly expressed her unease at the escalation of her involvement from a casual offer - after being unusually kind and thoughtful towards her elderly neighbour - to an expectation she was not prepared for.

There are a lot of voluntelling types out there, eager to ease or shove you or shame or guilt you into taking over their unwanted responsibilities. Kind people often find it hard to say no, and even harder when pushed into a corner.

Women have enough over-responsibility for the lives of those close to them without being guilted or shamed into taking up roles or duties which they feel uneasy about. We usually call people trying to take some slight advantage a CF on MN.

I am surprised and not surprised to see a lot of people taking the side of the daughter, who is holidaying as we speak. It must be some sort of offloading of their own guilt, I expect.

I am glad the OP listened to her self, expressed her concerns here, and has spoken up and bowed out. I think caring for one's own parent in their final years is hard enough, and sometimes one doesn't have the energy to take on someone else's, or finds it triggering of too many sad memories.

But pity the poor daughter! Who is not visiting, not limiting herself to agreed times, not on the roster, and not even in the country.

''I don't think the OP has made a single judgment of the daughter,''

What? The actual thread title says she's emotionally distant!

Just don’t go. Forget it and get on with your life.

It depends on what the DD said in her text, but if I was asked to 'coordinate my visiting with another local couple' , then I'd assume DD meant so that I didn't turn up at same time (re covid visiting restrictions) not that I was expected to be part of a "regular visiting rota".

If it became obvious that anyone was expecting I was committing to regular visiting, when I rang the couple (to say "i plan to pop by at x, just checking I don't clash with a visit that you might be planning to do") then I'd simply reply "oh you misunderstand, I don't know X very well, I'm just a neighbour and thought it'd be nice to drop some juice to her as her DD asked, I can't do this regularly as I work full time and already have my own family, elderly parents & loved ones that I support."

Oh no I voted wrong sorry, yanbu just say you really don't know her that well and you can't commit to regular visits its probably best they Co ordinate visits and leave it at that, sounds like they totally misread your intentions.

I'm going to offer some perspective from the side of relatives caring for an elderly person. There is a lot of assumptions going on this thread from people talking about neighbours where they have stepped in because the relatives "don't care". In some cases this may be true, but not all. In my case I was caring for an elderly great-aunt. The more me and DH did for her the more she expected. After lock down eased she refused to do any of her own shopping saying she preferred us to do it. She wouldn't accept me ordering on line and having it delivered to her house as she didn't trust the men delivering it, same with Amazon or any other delivery. It all had to come to my house and then I had to take it to her. DH and I work full time and have kids. We live in a village and nearest supermarket is 10 miles away. My Aunt began to have trouble with cleaning, washing, laundry, garden. She was very well off but refused to have people in the house to do anything I could not do all of this for her even if I had wanted to. So I left non urgent things like the garden to see if she would get so fed up with the long grass she'd let me get a gardener in. But instead what started to happen was well meaning neighbours assumed we didn't care and started doing little jobs for her, which before they knew it had become regular expectations from her. She went along with the "they don't care" narrative and saw nothing wrong with expecting 75 year old neighbours to do her garden, fetch shopping etc. It's only because I live in a small village that I was able to speak to a couple of them and found out what she was telling them. It was mortifying to think she would rather tell people we didn't care than let us put a support system in place which she could more than afford. It isn't always as straight forward as people care or they don't care.

Thanks all, I'm digesting your comments. Caring is such an emotive issue, it is clear to see here.

My Dad had Parkinsons dementia at the end and I fully understand the benefit dementia patients get from regular visits. I didn't intend to criticise the family, the emotionally distant comment was really just an impression I was voicing, as you do on MN.

In the end, I felt that - when I did visit - I simply didn't know the woman well enough, even as a neighbour and I felt uncomfortable...

I do have a people-pleasing history so more going on there and lesson learned on this one. I should have added as well as having cared for my Dad for 8 years I'm now guardian for my 60 year old elder brother, who is in a care home. I visit him regularly and deal with his finances.

To the posters sharing experiences - that must have been very challenging caring for the neighbour whose daughter was in the army. I appreciate you sharing this.

And the poster about being wary of what people say, I totally agree...been there with my brother at times about the care home staff, tales can grow arms and legs from him at times!

About my elderly neighbour- it is sad because she is physically able but very confused - however, for me, it is over to the family...

I think women in general have to be careful with their energy and where they place it...the battery goes down quick!

@milkyaqua thanks, you've explained where I'm coming from brilliantly. Much appreciated.

Thanks all for your kind words, I've taken a few screen shots for the future xx