To regret offering to visit an elderly neighbour in hospital when the daughter seems emotionally and physically distant

[Seenoevil1]

AIBU to now regret offering to help and getting involved?

My elderly neighbour is in hospital with dementia and unlikely to go back home after several falls. Her daughter lives a 7 hour drive away. Her son in law came to my door with an update and I felt sorry for them living further away so I said I'd pop in and see her at the hospital, take juice etc. I distinctly said I'd do this 'when I could' - however they then sent me details of friends of hers who live in the area asking me to co-ordinate my hospital visits with them.

Her daughter said the other couple would visit on a Mon or a Tues and asked me to tell them when I was going. I explained I couldn't do weekly or a set day but will go when I can. I had thought fortnightly but didn't want to tie myself down...

I feel my casual offer has been misinterpreted and I don't know or want to liase with the other couple as I don't have the time. The hospital ward is agreeable to me and the friends visiting.

Am I being unreasonable to now feel put upon and wanting to back away?

I've handed some juice in as the woman tested positive for covid so no-one was allowed in. The nurse handed the juice to her and told me my neighbour was confused and angry that the juice wasn't from her daughter. While I was standing at the nurses station the noises made me think back to my Dads final weeks in the sane hospital (diff ward) 2 years ago at the start of the pandemic. I stood there and thought: 'What am I doing here?' Then I felt bad for my neighbour..

It has been 3 weeks since she was admitted to hospital and feel I should visit...in the meantime the family had a pre-planned trip abroad. I don't really know this family well though I chatted in the street to my elderly neighbour quite often during the lockdown as I was worried about her. I moved into the street a few months before lockdown and gave her soup and scones a few times. She is now free from the 10-day isolation the hospital imposed and will be able to see visitors. I've not had any recent communication from her daughter other than that her mum would have to isolate for 10 days.
A previous text message was quite business-like, thanking me for handing things in and saying she had phoned and got an update from nursing staff.

Any advice? I feel as though I'm being contrary but also feel put upon. I don't know when the daughter is coming to visit next and I was a carer for many years for my late father who lived near me.

I think you need to do what you want to and no more.
If you feel a hospital visit is too much for you definitely don't go, but if you do make it clear that you'll go when you can but other than avoiding when she has other visitors you can't commit to a rota.

Thanks

I think you need to back track. You don't actually know her that well, she is in safe care, it's up to the family to take responsibility.

You could message that as she doesn't really know you and it is a long term stay, you won't be able to visit. Or just say that due to a change in your circumstances you won't be able to visit.

You sound very kind but you are in danger of making yourself your neighbours carer. It's the family's responsibility to look after her. What will happen when she is discharged from hospital? You need to be firm with the family and tell them.you don't mind visiting occasionally but you have your own commitments

Thanks. This feels like the kind of situation I often find myself in as I agree to things too quickly.
Do you think it is ok to day this after initially offering to visit? I've only been in her ward and it felt like I was overstepping.

Thanks - I think I need to step back. I appreciate your responses.

Put yourself first. I've spent years helping an elderly neighbour but her daughter just used it as an excuse not to do anything for her own mother. I used to take her to hospital appointments, get shopping, give lifts etc and if I couldn't for any reason, the daughter fell out with me. I'll never put myself in that position again. I don't mind helping anyone on the odd occasion but casual help can be taken advantage of. You sound like a very kind person but I think you need to take a step back here. You took the juice, which was lovely of you but I'd just tell the daughter you don't want to get involved in visiting rotas as you have other commitments. Perhaps when she returns home you can pop in and see her with some magazines for a chat or something, but don't get tied into becoming her carer or someone who has to check on her every day. You have nothing to feel guilty about, she's not your mother and it sounds like you've already done your fair share of caring by looking after your own dad.

Hi
I appreciate what you're saying. That was very kind of you, what you did for your neighbour but, yes, it was pretty poor that the daughter stepped back completely. Thanks for the warning.

How kind of you.

If you like going to see her then just go as and when it suits you. No need to co-ordinate or get it agreed with anyone. If the daughter wants that level of control she can do it herself!

Just think of yourself as a friendly face for the old lady. Nothing more.

Only do what you want to do. If you aren't comfortable going back to the hospital where your Dad was then don't go.
You don't don't know what kind of relationship she has with her daughter they don't sound very close and it could be for good reason.
If she comes home and you still want to visit, do it then.

How lovely you are.

It's not your responsibility to visit at certain times, on certain days and to take certain items in for her.
It's not up to you to 'co-ordinate' visits.

That her family are 7 hours away is not your problem.

That the family, 7 hours away, want you and others to co-ordinate visits, smacks of trying to absolve themselves from visits and duties.

It sounds like she probably doesn't even know if it's you that has been visiting.

If you want to visit, then visit when you can.

If visiting her causes her to be confused then step back. Her world is diminishing by the day.

There are times, in life, when stepping back is the best thing to do.

Please do not feel any guilt or onus.

I've been there with two very dear neighbours who I'd known for a very long time and whose family seemed to want to take a back seat for as long as possible.

after initially offering to visit

From your description you have 'visited' once already. I don't see that you have committed to doing anything else.

Reply to the message asking you to coordinate with other visitors with 'sorry, that won't be possible' leaving the responsibility firmly on their shoulders.

Any time it is convenient to you to visit, and you want to, visit. Don't offer any further communications to the family.

Visit only as suits you, or not at all & don't engage with the family.

Thanks everyone for your lovely replies and sound advice. It is interesting hearing some experiences too. I've decided - since I'm getting so tied up in knots with the pressure of expectations - that I will make one visit in person, then step away.

I agree, best not communicating with the family.

Much appreciated, all. xx

Hi I would drop a short note/text to the daughter saying you won’t be visiting again as her mum was quite distressed when you dropped off the juice as it was her daughter she wanted to see, not you. And a hope your mum is feeling better soon ending.

I got caught up in a similar scenario a few years ago with an elderly neighbour. Like this lady the daughter took advantage of my kindness and started messaging me with shopping lists and hospital/doctor appointments she had decided was now my responsibility! I worked f/t. I had to be quite blunt with the daughter and say I’m not a carer. I was just being a good and helpful neighbour. They were all quite well off so could have easily paid for carers and grocery deliveries. The daughter never spoke to me after that!

You need to take care of yourself especially if this is all bringing your dad’s death back to you. Step back 💐

You sound like me! You hear the words coming out of your mouth while your brain is saying please stop talking!!

You're under no obligation at all, your neighbour is not visitorless so pop in if and when you want to, but don't feel bad if you don't visit. With the best will in the world, it's not your responsibility to visit or coordinate your availability. I've got a funny feeling that you won't be the only one who has been put in a difficult position by the daughter so don't feel bad about it.

Thanks - wise words. Good warning there!
Sorry your kindness was taken advantage of. I often agree to things right away then regret later...
All the best x

You're under no obligation. Just do what you feel comfortable with and no more. The daughter could probably make more of an effort but it depends really what her childhood was like. Some people are abused or scapegoated and struggle mentally to see their parent as an adult. There's no way of knowing who that applies to as people can be different behind closed doors.

I read in your post that the nurse told you the woman was confused and angry when you so kindly took in juice for her, as the juice wasn’t from her daughter.
it may be that however good your intentions , and you do sound very thoughtful and concerned, an unfamiliar person visiting may cause more agitation for this poor lady.
Perhaps letting the daughter know this would be a good way to step back.

I'm not sure what the daughter has done wrong here. Asking you to let them know when you'd be going didn't necessarily mean that she expected you to go on that day every week, surely? And she was presumably just making sure that you didn't turn up on the same day as the others and get turned away.

You can't judge people by perceived tone in their messages. What you read as bunsiness-like might have been typed in an entirely different tone. Not every appreciative person types oozing warmth and gratitude. Text is notiriously difficult to interpret, lacking tone of voice, facial expression and body language.

Seven hours away is one heck of a journey. Taking advantage would be expecting something of you that they could easily do for themselves. They simply can't visit her often, and you offered. I'd see how this visit goes, and then decide what you want to do or not do in the future. But don't assume that the daughter is unappreciative. Her popping in to see her mum for an hour would take three days. If she works, that simply isn't going to be something she can do more than very occasionally.

Was the request to coordinate solely due to covid restrictions. So people didn't have a wasted journey as someone else had already visited that day.

The request was to co-ordinate generally and I felt they were assuming regular visits from me. I suppose alarm bells were ringing.

True - as someone said - not everyone sends gushy texts.

Mrs Drudge, I think you're right and it is out of my hands as I may end up worsening her mood as I'm unfamiliar.

Thanks all for helping me to de-tangle my thoughts. I'll update next week.

I would just tell her that you can only do this irregularly but that her mum was distressed the juice came from you and not her and that she doesn't recognise you. That you do not want to be coordinating with anyone but will let her know if you are going. Presumably she is trying to sort care from 7 hours away and it's difficult enough on your doorstep. She and her husband and family will need to step up. It's a shame they have left it so late but so many of us do.

Thanks - well put xx

@saraclara
The OP hasn't done anything wrong either, however, it might not have been the daughter's intention but her texts have upset the OP.

I don't think you should mention the juice as that just complicates things. You sound like someone who doesn't want to hurt people's feelings. Just say
"I am sorry but I think I have given you the wrong impression how close I was to your mother. I only met her before the lockdowns and we occasionally chatted in the street. Unfortunately, I do not have the time to co-ordinate visits for her, but I am happy to see her occasionally if you think that would help and I will let the other person know when I intend to go so our visits don't clash.