Does she have a boyfriend?

[Semirecline]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here but this has happened to me twice now in the past month and I just can't get my head around it.

DD is 4. A few weeks ago at the supermarket an elderly lady stopped DD to compliment her hair clip. She then asked DD if she had a boyfriend. I was pretty confused as to why she would think it's acceptable to ask a 4yo this so I said no and walked away. I discussed it with DH when we got home and he agreed it was weird.

Today at a local group the same thing happened. An elderly lady complimented DD's outfit and then asked her if she had a boyfriend. I was pretty miffed as I felt it was inappropriate so I replied, no she doesn't, she's 4 and she doesn't even know what a boyfriend is yet. She has friends that's boys and friends that's girls and that's it.

Am I out of the loop thinking this kind of question is inappropriate for a 4yo? I'm honestly baffled by it.

My 83 year old mum would be horrified by this. I doubt it's generational, just tragic oddballs.

@PlasticineMeg my mum is 75. She’s occasionally said things that I don’t really find acceptable. I point this out, she considers it and usually agrees that the world has moved on for women and she’s more than happy to try and push a positive world view for my daughter. Older people aren’t stupid like you’re insinuating

@PlasticineMeg
Claims to be not perpetually offended by small non-events while being offended by small non-events. In what way did I imply the world evolves around me or my family? Or that I'm ditching family members? Bit of a sweeping statement claiming I know nothing about loneliness with absolutely nothing mentioned previously to imply this.

You're behaving like a but hurt child, it's embarrassing.

I think an older person - let's say 65+ based on OP's clarification - would be LESS likely to say this. Sexualisation of small children has really only become normalised in the past few decades - at least in the UK. Even the "everything's permitted" crowd in France in the 70s on would probably have drawn the line later than four!

Also, it's pretty heteronormative.

Agree with OP.
It is the beginning of the sexualisation of children imo.
Same as referring to a child as 'sexy', saying they will 'break hearts one day' etc.
Why would anyone think it appropriate to ask a child if they were having an exclusive relationship with someone of the opposite sex?

Children of 4 have friends, some are boys and some are girls. We dont have to foist adult relationship concepts onto children. It's super weird and makes me cringe hard!!

Err - no, not any longer. I'm 67 and couldn't get my free bus pass until I was 66.

BUT on the original question. No it's not appropriate and shouldn't be asked. For people much older than 60s and/or some who don't have children/grandchildren it's one of those stupid comments like 'my haven't you grown' when you haven't seen a child for number of years. But, as things have changed culturally, it is a bigger faux pax rather than just a comment.

My kids are in their 40s, when they were little, many of my friends called their kids 'heart breakers' or, even worse, 'sexy'. I didn't like it then but it was 'of it's time' and I suspect it it these people of around my age and older that are asking these questions.

They shouldn't be - but it isn't meant in the way you are interpreting it.

Oh the irony of being called a child by someone who uses the term ‘butt hurt’ 🤣 double irony on the fact someone started a thread on MN because an older lady asked a harmless, inconsequential question to her 4yo

The difference is you challenge your mum who self-reflects. Not that she has to, IMO. The OP didn’t do that, she expected these women to psychically now what would and wouldn’t offend her on behalf of her 4yo DD. It’s just people make silly talk with children, it happens. Better to teach your child that sometimes other people say silly things that don’t make sense rather than get enraged by a stranger’s viewpoint.

When DS lost his first tooth just as he turned 5 my brother was asking him if he's been kissing girls. My brother's only 34 and was just weird. DS had no idea what he was talking about as he sees kissing as a family thing (as in he only kisses family). Just such a foreign concept to him and he kept asking me to explain what it meant.

Even going down my usual 'kid logic' stance of "well daddy was my boyfriend and I kissed him" is met with "but you're my mummy and daddy so..."

Anyways, yes I find this a lot. Mainly with older people (65+) but a random smattering of people from all generations

I have never considered the word "Icky" to be sexual! I can't believe anyone does. I would, and have always understood everyone else, to mean it as dirty, smelly, annoying, etc. So yes, I would absolutely expect a child to use the same word about a dog or a teacher.

Did you even read the original post? The first woman was told no and I walked away, end of conversationand interaction. My child and I don't owe our personal time to anyone and we're not obligated to reply to a strangers question that made us confused or uncomfortable. Where did I say that I expected her to know I would be offended? She asked a random child in a supermarket a question that her parent found odd, she received an answer to that question and we both got on with our days.

Tell me this, how would you feel if a random person approached you during your weekly shop and asked you if you had a boyfriend? Is that something you would be comfortable sharing? Now imagine you didn't have the brain capacity to understand the question because you're 4.... see where I'm going with this? Boyfriend is a term used for a sexual or intimate relationship. My daughter has friends that are boys and girls. Not boyfriend and girlfriend.

The second encounter I challenged what the lady said just like you said I should in this post but that was also the wrong think to do according to your previous replies? You are making absolutely no sense.

Oh you’re sooooo special, what a lucky lady that you gave her your time in the supermarket 😂 How entitled of her to think she could talk to such high profile precious people.

Tell me this, how would you feel if a random person approached you during your weekly shop and asked you if you had a boyfriend? Is that something you would be comfortable sharing?

I genuinely wouldn’t give a shit. Of all the problems in life to encounter, I couldn’t muster up even a moment to be bothered about that. I had a woman come up to me in Wilko’s when I was with the kids a few weeks ago, fairly elderly (75ish) who chewed my ear off for 15 minutes! Didn’t know her, she was saying hello to the kids and asking what they’re doing that weekend. I didn’t go “Urgh peasant!”, grab my kids and runaway and post about it on MN. I did the decent human thing and engaged, because I’m not a dick who thinks I’m better than her because I’m younger and have a child with me. My kids asked who was that why was she speaking to us and I said I don’t know but I spoke back because she seemed nice and like she wanted a chat. I might have <gasp> taught my children a bit of kindness

Boyfriend is a term used for a sexual or intimate relationship

Thats massively OTT WRT a 4yo who presumably doesn’t know what sex is. Just say “she means friend is a boy”. What a way to overthink it!

and seriously, don’t allow your child to feel that she’s too precious and important to have a chat with a stranger and she so special that she doesn’t “owe them her time”. Those reply are the kids who turn entitled and obnoxious and then a few years later mummy can’t understand why no one wants to be her friend.

And you didn’t challenge the second woman, you made an arsey comment. Challenging her would be explaining why it’s not really appropriate

It's not a comment that would offend me.
I remember my then four year old granddaughter proudly announcing that she had a boyfriend.
It meant nothing, kids stuff.

I've always hated the 'girlfriend' comments directed at my DSs. They are fake 'cute' comments covering a whole lot of gender stereotypes and expectations that just should not be placed on children at all, particularly young children who don't understand them and get confused by them.

@PlasticineMeg Why so aggressive? OP hasn’t said she’s too good to chat with strangers, just that she shouldn’t have to quietly tolerate annoying questions like does a 4yo have a boyfriend.

i agree with her, girls are sexualised at a very young age already and comments like this don’t help.

Its a weird question and I probably would have just said no like you did. My 5 yeR old probably would have looked askance at the woman and maybe said no too.

Sometimes I talk about things with her after the fact. I might say "wasn't that silly when the lady said you had a boyfriend" and use it as an "in" to discuss her thoughts on it - e.g. do her friends at school use that sort of terminology, what does it mean and why isn't it suitable for her age.

OP, you are a better woman than me because elderly or not, both women would have got a piece of my mind. No you are not being unreasonable and I feel for you, I became frustrated just reading your post.

@PlasticineMeg I had a woman come up to me in Wilko’s when I was with the kids a few weeks ago, fairly elderly (75ish) who chewed my ear off for 15 minutes! Didn’t know her, she was saying hello to the kids and asking what they’re doing that weekend.

This is a completely different scenario and not comparable to OP’s in any way shape or form. Why you used this particular example, I don’t know.

These people were asking her 4 year old child if she has a boyfriend. Who walks up to a 4 year old child and asks if she has a boyfriend? 🤨

OP, ignore the replies saying that you’re being unreasonable. I assure you, you most certainly are not.

My dgs is 5 and he has 2 girlfriends. perfectly harmless way to refer to the 2 girls he particularly plays with at school.

Sure, but I think it’s obvious that these two people were not asking the question in that sense ie do you have friends that are boys? Even if my child was a boy and a stranger asked him if he has a girlfriend, I would be equally horrified.

It’s inappropriate, irresponsible and downright creepy.

@Gilesgoesformiles this says more about you!

my DD said at around 4/5 that boys were disgusting. I think this was because she had a baby brother and a male baby cousin both around 7/8 months with the horrendous nappies that come with weaning and this was her association.
DD is now 8 and frequently tells me some of the boys in her class are disgusting as they pick their nose and eat it / flick it / roll it up.
Its actually quite concerning you consider it at all sexual.

FGS, if someone asks your child if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend, YOU are the parent, you know you don’t have to tell them “Oh she’s asking if you’re having sex yet” (and BTW that’s clearly not what they mean. Just say “a boy/girl who’s a friend”. I’m genuinely surprised people are so alarmed that this might happen to them. If you think this has sexual connotations then I’m afraid you’re the problem here. And your child won’t know about sex, so what is even the problem?

Another one here who never heard icky as sexual.

Right, so you don’t think children are inquisitive and therefore at some point will ask either an older child or teacher or other adult, what a boyfriend/girlfriend is? What a boyfriend/girlfriend does together? Ever heard a toddler ask why a million times? Children aren’t stupid. If the seed is planted, eventually it will grow and they will find out exactly what a boyfriend/girlfriend is.

Yes, it is our job as parents to teach our young children that they have friends that are boys and friends that are girls. But the argument that it’s okay for a stranger to throw a spanner in the works in that respect, by asking if the young child has a boyfriend/girlfriend, is ridiculous.