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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not let husband go car shopping with me

70 replies

itseasyasABC · 27/04/2022 14:18

So booked in to a car dealer tomorrow to go order myself a new car and husband said he wants to come as he knows more about specs etc BUT I can pick the colour

Iv told him no so we're now arguing as I'm sick of him taking control over things lately and I want to do something for MYSELF

He bought me my first car, he picked it, sorted it, picked my insurance that I pay (expensive with a black box, their was cheaper insurance available without this box mind )

He always takes over things no matter what it is and I'm just fed up of no say?

I just want to get my own first nice car myself?? Iv never been with him when he gets his cars or picks them.

AIBU for not wanting him to come with me ??

OP posts:
whosaidth1 · 27/04/2022 14:22

No YANBU

SockFluffInTheBath · 27/04/2022 14:25

YANBU if you’re paying.

SpiderVersed · 27/04/2022 14:27

Tell him to sod off! Your car, your choice.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 27/04/2022 14:27

YANBU

WhatNoReally · 27/04/2022 14:28

Of course you're not being unreasonable. He says he'll choose the spec of YOUR car but you can choose the colour - how patronising and sexist!

This sounds like the tip of the iceberg though...

theemmadilemma · 27/04/2022 14:28

YANBU. When I bought my last car I put my foot down that DP had no fucking input.

It was the first time in a long time I was car shopping with a nice amount, for what I wanted (not what I could get quickly and cheaply in exchange) and not something effectively chosen by DP or exDH.

I just didn't want any input telling me I should get x over y or whatever.

FluffyPersian · 27/04/2022 14:29

I wouldn't let him come with me either if that was his attitude. The fact he 'always takes over' would be enough to give me the rage. If he can pick his own car on his own.... why can't you pick yours on your own?

Scarlettpixie · 27/04/2022 14:29

No yabnu. Tell him you want to go yourself.

If you take a man with you the dealer will likely aim all discussion at him anyway unless he says “no no, it is my wife you need to talk to, its her buying it” (as my exh did on occasion) - and doesn’t sound like your DH will do this.

Snowflakes1122 · 27/04/2022 14:30

YANBU. Why does he want so much say in it? You are a grown woman, capable making your own decisions!

GrannyBloomers · 27/04/2022 14:35

Go on your own. You are more than capable of making such a decision

tortadicarote · 27/04/2022 14:39

You're paying? Your choice!

If he weren't so overbearing and actually knew significantly more than you do about cars, it might not hurt to have his opinion, but as he takes over and never asks your opinion of his car purchases, YANBU!

PleasantBirthday · 27/04/2022 14:39

It should be fun choosing a major purchase like this - it's a lot of money, you should enjoy the process and get your money's worth. So don't bring him and spend some time deciding what you think is important and what you want and finding it for yourself.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 27/04/2022 14:43

He black boxed your insurance? Because he wanted to despite other options without none were cheaper?

So he does actually have controlling tendencies.

Go buy your own car and start taking back control of the rest of your life.

m00rfarm · 27/04/2022 14:45

If he is going to insist, then tell him you are going to the hairdressers. And come back with a new car.

BlancmanegeBunny · 27/04/2022 14:48

I honestly can't imagine being married to a man like that!!!
We discus major purchases and something like a car we would go to buy it together, using my negotiating skills and dh understanding of engines to get the best deal.
Op
I would be changing my husband as well as the car!!!

Nietzschethehiker · 27/04/2022 14:56

Yanbu I have to say when I've come across this with men the only way as to face it head on. "Stop taking over and talking down to me. I am doing this on my own". Once should be enough if he carries on then he's a bigger problem than you think.

At the very beginning of the relationship dp tried this once or twice (I know why he's like that, lots of unfair responsibilities for 3 brothers at a young age meant he thinks his job is to be in charge ) he knows better now and is the opposite and proud of the fact I am more than capable.

However it was twice because I tried to be nice the first time, they don't get it. Warn him, clearly and openly. If he is remotely decent he will get it from that and do not let him come to get the car.

Foolsrule · 27/04/2022 14:57

I bought a car by myself a couple of years ago. I always remember a friend saying her husband wouldn’t have allowed her to do that without him being there. I was gobsmacked! Why on earth not?!

AryaStarkWolf · 27/04/2022 14:57

Of course you're not, who does he think he is?

AryaStarkWolf · 27/04/2022 14:59

Foolsrule · 27/04/2022 14:57

I bought a car by myself a couple of years ago. I always remember a friend saying her husband wouldn’t have allowed her to do that without him being there. I was gobsmacked! Why on earth not?!

I hate this "allow" business. My DD said something similar to me recently, she's learning how to drive atm and she said that her B/f probably won't allow her to drive when they go away anyway. I said what do you mean? Is he your boss or something?

InFiveMins · 27/04/2022 15:07

To be honest I think it depends. If your DH has more knowledge about cars than you do, then I would think it sensible for him to come and help - I've been ripped off in the past as a young woman thinking I was getting a 'top spec car' when I wasn't. Also doesn't mean you have to go with whatever he recommends - you can still make your own decision.

Triffid1 · 27/04/2022 15:12

You see, if he wasn't a controlling twat, I'd say that if he knows more about cars, having him along is helpful. But in that case, he'd maybe ask some of the tough questions you might not ask, or talk you through what he sees as pros and cons to specific cars. Leaving you to make the ultimate decision.

Him deciding that HE will choose your car is a whole different ballgame.

I assume this is part of a much bigger issue of him controlling you?

Rosehugger · 27/04/2022 15:12

I chose and bought my own car for the first time a few years ago. I asked DH what he thought of it but did it all on my own. He liked my car so much in the end and drove it loads 😀

crispsandwichlife · 27/04/2022 15:12

Get the car and use it drive far away from your not so dh

CannibalQueen · 27/04/2022 15:29

YANBU.
Next time, don't tell him you're going. Just do it.

Crazylazydayz · 27/04/2022 15:31

YANBU your car, your decision.

One suggestion, if you haven’t already done so, use the build your car option on most manufacturers websites. I did this so I knew what extras I wanted and the cost. The dealer tried to charge me twice the amount for one option so I got it for manufacturers price.