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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About giving lifts to clubs

80 replies

yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:23

My daughter has a best friend whose mum doesn't drive. Her dad does but he's at work in the car and works long hours. She doesn't drive because she feels it's pointless in London as parking is hard (true) and public transport options are really good (also true)
The girls do lots of activities in the same groups or teams- 3 evenings a week plus usually a match at weekends.

The thing is they're 11 years old in year 6. Clubs are often only finishing at 7.30/8.00. Often the weekend ones have very early starts (8.00 am) and whilst public transport IS an option it adds 30-40 mins to each journey (so an 8.00 am start means leaving at 7.20 and an 8pm finish means home for 8.30-8.45.) It's only 10 mins in the car.
My daughter gets tired so I'm resigned to running and picking her up which means I also end up take her friend.

The mum always volunteers to take them (honestly seems relieved though that I don't take her up on it!) and they live only 5 mins away (so it's not out of my way), and I'm going anyway so it's daft not to.... but I've recently found myself feeling a bit aggrieved.

Tonight it was raining. The game overran. I was standing by a chilly pitch for 30 mins and got home at nearly 9. When I dropped friend off I could see her mum through the window with a cup of tea and a book! It'll be the same tomorrow. And Thursday. And the game on Saturday.

I think I need someone to talk sense into me. It's not going to change. The mum won't suddenly start driving. I'm going anyway. The girl is lovely and her and DD are good friends. I'm going anyway. The mum does volunteer it's just I don't want a 40 min bus ride after a late finish. I'M GOING ANYWAY.

Anyway I'm fairly certain I'm unreasonable being grumpy and need some perspective please!

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 25/04/2022 21:26

The mum does volunteer it's just I don't want a 40 min bus ride after a late finish. I'M GOING ANYWAY

I think I wouldn’t go anyway.

Let her do some of them and she can take your DD-this mum would have to do all of them with her daughter if you didn’t exist.

luxxlisbon · 25/04/2022 21:27

It’s not that you are being unreasonable but if this girl and her mum didn’t exist you would be in the same situation. You were out in the rain to support your daughter, it had nothing to do what the mum. If the girl didn’t go to football you would still be attending for your daughter and driving her home surely?

Whatsmyname100 · 25/04/2022 21:29

I would honestly switch to the weekend club and let them make their own way there. Isn't it very late for your dd anyway?

Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:31

luxxlisbon · 25/04/2022 21:27

It’s not that you are being unreasonable but if this girl and her mum didn’t exist you would be in the same situation. You were out in the rain to support your daughter, it had nothing to do what the mum. If the girl didn’t go to football you would still be attending for your daughter and driving her home surely?

Exactly.
This is why I think I'm unreasonable.
I'd be there anyway - except it would me nice not to have to do all of them. All the time. Everyone else seems to have reciprocal lift shares. It's just me and it's getting me down a bit.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 25/04/2022 21:32

Surely her DH can’t be working 24/7. I’d be asking before each weekend or late night pick up - is Dave available to take them??

Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:32

Shinyandnew1 · 25/04/2022 21:26

The mum does volunteer it's just I don't want a 40 min bus ride after a late finish. I'M GOING ANYWAY

I think I wouldn’t go anyway.

Let her do some of them and she can take your DD-this mum would have to do all of them with her daughter if you didn’t exist.

I've thought about it but DD is exhausted after a full day of school plus after school sport. I just want her home, having a snack and getting some sleep!

OP posts:
Beamur · 25/04/2022 21:33

Why not let the other Mum do the weekend one? Just get up earlier, but you'll have the rest of the morning to yourself.

Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:33

Whatsmyname100 · 25/04/2022 21:29

I would honestly switch to the weekend club and let them make their own way there. Isn't it very late for your dd anyway?

It's 3 clubs- guides, gymnastics and football. Guides and gym are only after school and football is training one evening, matches on Sat/ Sun.

OP posts:
DDivaStar · 25/04/2022 21:34

I can see why its a bit annoying, but would be odd to refuse lifts.

Is there another way the mum could help you out, school pick ups or drop offs, having your dd for tea or something.

Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:34

Beamur · 25/04/2022 21:33

Why not let the other Mum do the weekend one? Just get up earlier, but you'll have the rest of the morning to yourself.

I could do but I actually want to see her in at least some matches.

Listen to me. I'm my own worst enemy.

OP posts:
Notthisnotthat · 25/04/2022 21:35

I'm a mum that needs to ask friends for lifts for my daughter due to having an age gap between my oldest and youngest child. So my mid teens activities finish much later than my youngests bed time. However whenever my DH is at home we do all of the lifts for all of the activities. I offer other practical help to the people that help me out. The other parents could show their gratitude a bit more.

Springandsummerarecoming · 25/04/2022 21:36

I would ask the other mum to do the weekend one for a couple of weeks. You can have some time alone and the extra travel won’t matter so much at the weekend. Doesn’t have to be forever but will make you feel better.

Troublesometooth · 25/04/2022 21:37

How about the other mum takes them and stays to watch, but then you pick them up, including the mum, and drop them home?

Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:37

Rainbowqueeen · 25/04/2022 21:32

Surely her DH can’t be working 24/7. I’d be asking before each weekend or late night pick up - is Dave available to take them??

That is a good point. He's the stepdad and whilst he's perfectly pleasant with the girl he's not in the type of parental role where I think he'd do it.
Bit sad really. No biological dad around.

OP posts:
doggiescats · 25/04/2022 21:37

luxxlisbon · 25/04/2022 21:27

It’s not that you are being unreasonable but if this girl and her mum didn’t exist you would be in the same situation. You were out in the rain to support your daughter, it had nothing to do what the mum. If the girl didn’t go to football you would still be attending for your daughter and driving her home surely?

This…it doesn’t actually make any difference to you whether you pick your daughter up or an extra . It’s still the same journey and the other Mum cannot change that. Just be glad you are helping another child to have fun .

Beamur · 25/04/2022 21:38

yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:34

I could do but I actually want to see her in at least some matches.

Listen to me. I'm my own worst enemy.

Show quote history

Well, yes you are 😄
But I can understand that too. Maybe alternate weeks?
Are there no other families at the other clubs you could also share with?

Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:40

I know luxxlisbon. I know. I'm just cold and grumpy and almost everyone else has all these wonderful lift share agreements (i was talking to one mum with 4 kids in her car- but they only do it once every 4 weeks. Glorious). My DD has a BFF whose parent can't participate like that.
She's a nice girl though so I know I'm being a bit unreasonable

OP posts:
Jagley · 25/04/2022 21:40

Off topic but does the Mum not ever go and watch her dd at least?

Soggydog · 25/04/2022 21:42

I wonder if she could take them but you then pick them all up and drive them home. I presume the mum could fit in your car soon, and whilst you wouldn't have to drive her and her daughter too it would be nice to as not really out the way. You won't have had to sit out in the rain and she can tell you if things are over running and your daughter will be home at the usual time?

I hope she has shown gratitude in some way or other?

Newforumnewname · 25/04/2022 21:43

I am in the same situation but I am the other mum! Son gets a lift to an activity every week with another dad and we can’t reciprocate. I sensed a few weeks ago he was getting a bit pissed off so moved heaven and earth for DH to take DS that week (other dad still went as he has to go every week anyway). Also lashed on the thanks (I do anyway) and bought a gift and Other Dad sort of came out of it and all is well now. I think it’s natural to get pissed off at non reciprocal arrangements and the benefitting party really needs to lay on the TLC sometimes. I am doing some admin tasks now for the team as well to try and pay back.

You really need to take her up on her offer just occasionally, I think it will reset how you feel. Mostly other people just need to make a token effort sometimes and then everyone feels happy.

Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:43

@Beamur the thing is if I arranged a lift share with someone else what do I do about the friend? Say to the other parent that there's another child they gave to include whose parent will never reciprocate? Thats unlikely to be well received. The other option is to join with someone else and stop giving her lifts and I can't do that.

OP posts:
Soggydog · 25/04/2022 21:44

I wonder if she could take them but you then pick them all up and drive them home. I presume the mum could fit in your car soon, and whilst you wouldn't have to drive her and her daughter too it would be nice to as not really out the way. You won't have had to sit out in the rain and she can tell you if things are over running and your daughter will be home at the usual time?

I hope she has shown gratitude in some way or other?

TheCrowFromBelow · 25/04/2022 21:44

yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:37

That is a good point. He's the stepdad and whilst he's perfectly pleasant with the girl he's not in the type of parental role where I think he'd do it.
Bit sad really. No biological dad around.

Show quote history

Does your DH/DP do any of the pickups?!

Wouldn’t bother me if they were close or lived on the way. It did bother me when they lived 20 mins away from our house, meant a 40 min drive to training became 1hr 20 for my DS so we stopped it.

Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:44

Jagley · 25/04/2022 21:40

Off topic but does the Mum not ever go and watch her dd at least?

Nope. Honestly I struggle a bit with that.

OP posts:
Beamur · 25/04/2022 21:49

I think that the 3rd wheel child wouldn't be so much of an issue with a share with another family as you would be sharing the burden of the travelling. Non reciprocating Mum could collect her child from your house. So the drop off is the same.

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