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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About giving lifts to clubs

80 replies

yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:23

My daughter has a best friend whose mum doesn't drive. Her dad does but he's at work in the car and works long hours. She doesn't drive because she feels it's pointless in London as parking is hard (true) and public transport options are really good (also true)
The girls do lots of activities in the same groups or teams- 3 evenings a week plus usually a match at weekends.

The thing is they're 11 years old in year 6. Clubs are often only finishing at 7.30/8.00. Often the weekend ones have very early starts (8.00 am) and whilst public transport IS an option it adds 30-40 mins to each journey (so an 8.00 am start means leaving at 7.20 and an 8pm finish means home for 8.30-8.45.) It's only 10 mins in the car.
My daughter gets tired so I'm resigned to running and picking her up which means I also end up take her friend.

The mum always volunteers to take them (honestly seems relieved though that I don't take her up on it!) and they live only 5 mins away (so it's not out of my way), and I'm going anyway so it's daft not to.... but I've recently found myself feeling a bit aggrieved.

Tonight it was raining. The game overran. I was standing by a chilly pitch for 30 mins and got home at nearly 9. When I dropped friend off I could see her mum through the window with a cup of tea and a book! It'll be the same tomorrow. And Thursday. And the game on Saturday.

I think I need someone to talk sense into me. It's not going to change. The mum won't suddenly start driving. I'm going anyway. The girl is lovely and her and DD are good friends. I'm going anyway. The mum does volunteer it's just I don't want a 40 min bus ride after a late finish. I'M GOING ANYWAY.

Anyway I'm fairly certain I'm unreasonable being grumpy and need some perspective please!

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 25/04/2022 21:50

Another option is to speak to the mum and say that the step dad should also alternate with you. While you are doing it anyway, it would piss me off knowing that HER responsibility is now your problem. You have options as in other lift share for your dd, you are now being held back because the mum has dumped this on you. Whether her dh is not that type of parent, that's not your issue as some sort of reciprocal arrangement needs to come from them.

Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:57

Newforumnewname · 25/04/2022 21:43

I am in the same situation but I am the other mum! Son gets a lift to an activity every week with another dad and we can’t reciprocate. I sensed a few weeks ago he was getting a bit pissed off so moved heaven and earth for DH to take DS that week (other dad still went as he has to go every week anyway). Also lashed on the thanks (I do anyway) and bought a gift and Other Dad sort of came out of it and all is well now. I think it’s natural to get pissed off at non reciprocal arrangements and the benefitting party really needs to lay on the TLC sometimes. I am doing some admin tasks now for the team as well to try and pay back.

You really need to take her up on her offer just occasionally, I think it will reset how you feel. Mostly other people just need to make a token effort sometimes and then everyone feels happy.

You sound lovely and have given me a bit of an epiphany. I DO NOT FEEL APPRECIATED.
This is ridiculous I'm 51, rational and sensible and I'm basically sulking because I don't feel someone is giving me enough appreciation.

She didn't even get up to answer the door to her DD tonight. Just sat in the living room, yelled for her youngest to get the door and gave me a two finger wave through the window. She's organising the year 6 end of year disco and asked for feedback on dates and I said any day but this one as DH has a booked in medical procedure and she arranged it for that date (again I know it can't be all about one child and there were probably good reasons etc and i can arrange childcare so I'm being daft here). No card at Xmas (but lots of people don't do cards I know.)
I'm literally 20 years older than she is and from a different cultural background so we're basically different generations and I think my expectations are perhaps off.

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 25/04/2022 22:01

Op you are being taken for a mug here. If someone was doing such a huge favour, at the very least I would chose any other disco date. There must have been at least one other. Now she doesn't even bother to come thank you at the door. Nah, you're being blatantly used here. I would end this arrangement or make certain they reciprocate. Or alternatively get into a lift share and let her sort her dd out.

Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 22:01

Some very good suggestions about asking her to take them and me to pick up. That could work but it's a pain for her as she'll have to take her youngest with her.

Still perhaps I could occasionally suggest it. I'd still do it if it were awful weather obviously.

OP posts:
fairlygoodmother · 25/04/2022 22:01

Let the other mum take them to the weekday clubs, and you can pick them up so the girls aren’t getting back too late.

The weekend games I would also want to go and watch so I’d go anyway.

I have the same arrangement with a football teammate of my son, and tbh it doesn’t bother me at all, but I make sure it’s no additional effort for me at all. So he has to meet at our house and that’s where I drop him off. And if for any reason we can’t do the trip to a game, they will take both boys even if it means renting a car.

Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 22:08

Whatsmyname100 · 25/04/2022 22:01

Op you are being taken for a mug here. If someone was doing such a huge favour, at the very least I would chose any other disco date. There must have been at least one other. Now she doesn't even bother to come thank you at the door. Nah, you're being blatantly used here. I would end this arrangement or make certain they reciprocate. Or alternatively get into a lift share and let her sort her dd out.

I think I've just realised this (looking through the window at her!)

However her DD is nice and my DD really likes her and I have a feeling that if I stopped then her DD wouldn't go anymore and mine would miss her.

Weirdly, acknowledging she's a bit of a user helps- I can accept it and move on.

OP posts:
Indicatrice · 25/04/2022 22:13

It’s one of those threads where you can tell from the first post that the OP is going to elect to keep being a mug.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 25/04/2022 22:15

I hear you.
In all my years at the parenting coal face, I met one mum who said " I can't pay you back with lifts, please let me babysit one weekend so you and dh can go out". That was really appreciated. Like you, it wasn't out of my way, I was going anyway and the child always said thank you. That one mum made me realise it was the feeling of an unreturned favour that was unsettling.

timeisnotaline · 25/04/2022 22:17

I really would have her do an occasional take your daughter. Even once a month, it’s her child.

Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 22:24

SpiderinaWingMirror · 25/04/2022 22:15

I hear you.
In all my years at the parenting coal face, I met one mum who said " I can't pay you back with lifts, please let me babysit one weekend so you and dh can go out". That was really appreciated. Like you, it wasn't out of my way, I was going anyway and the child always said thank you. That one mum made me realise it was the feeling of an unreturned favour that was unsettling.

How lovely. Something like that would make all the difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
yogahippo · 25/04/2022 22:26

Indicatrice · 25/04/2022 22:13

It’s one of those threads where you can tell from the first post that the OP is going to elect to keep being a mug.

I know I know. I'm a bit chastised.

However at the core of this are two 12 year old girls who are tired after long days and who are best friends and one of whom probably wouldn't go if I didn't facilitate it.

That has to be central to my thinking.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 25/04/2022 22:27

if this girl and her mum didn’t exist you would be in the same situation. You were out in the rain to support your daughter, it had nothing to do what the mum. If the girl didn’t go to football you would still be attending for your daughter and driving her home surely?

This ^
I do hear you - I took a girl that dd played football with to and from training and matches for 8 years, without so much as even a wave out the window or from the door. I thought it was incredibly rude of the family. Like you say, it seems petty, but a bottle of wine at Christmas or the end of the season (or a plant or even a card) would just have been nice. But ultimately the girl was lovely - always polite, always ready on time, always thanked me every time she got out the car, so I let the logic take over from the annoyance. Ultimately, I was privileged to watch them play for all those years, watch them grow from children to young women, and I felt really sorry that no-one ever came to watch her, and I'm not sure what I would have achieved by not giving her a lift and then her not being able to play. I was going anyway.

Kite22 · 25/04/2022 22:28

Oh, weird italics there - sorry about that

Kite22 · 25/04/2022 22:31

Indicatrice · 25/04/2022 22:13

It’s one of those threads where you can tell from the first post that the OP is going to elect to keep being a mug.

What you call being a mug, I call being kind, or, indeed, just normal behaviour.

Over all my years of parenting, I have helped out families that can't "pay me back", but there have also been times when others have done favours for me, when I wasn't able to do anything for them. It's how the world goes round.

Indicatrice · 25/04/2022 22:35

@Kite22

What you call being a mug, I call being kind,

Yes, I’ve noticed it’s a running theme in most of your posts, Kite, even when people are clearly being CFs.

wonkygorgeous · 25/04/2022 22:36

yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:43

@Beamur the thing is if I arranged a lift share with someone else what do I do about the friend? Say to the other parent that there's another child they gave to include whose parent will never reciprocate? Thats unlikely to be well received. The other option is to join with someone else and stop giving her lifts and I can't do that.

If both girls were dropped off at your house so no extra driving was involved you might be able to secure another parent to lift share.

Then the mother of the BFF could walk the five minutes to collect her daughter after drop off.
If both girls come as one, to your house it might work. Same with collection, collection from your house of the BFF walks over to your house.

Rogue1001MNer · 25/04/2022 22:42

11 or 12?

Presumably you're not sat out in the cold when it's guides and gymnastics?

And watching the matches is lovely, even if it's cold. The season ends soon, doesn't it

Ihearticecream · 25/04/2022 22:55

OP let the other mum take to both guides and gymnastics. If you want to pick them up that’s upto you. Not at all awkward with her smaller one as she can just find a coffee shop and go in there (especially if that’s what she’s doing with her younger one already at home!)
Seriously the lack of appreciation is what would do it for me! We helped out with lifts for a year for a friend of DS while they were in a bind but they were very appreciative.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 25/04/2022 22:57

DDivaStar · 25/04/2022 21:34

I can see why its a bit annoying, but would be odd to refuse lifts.

Is there another way the mum could help you out, school pick ups or drop offs, having your dd for tea or something.

Came on to say this

BabyBin · 25/04/2022 23:06

I get why it's annoying...

For once you would like to be that mum with a tea and a book.

However, would you? Would you rather be relaxing than watching your DD play?

I'm just like you. It would be nice.... but not worth missing out for. Plenty of time for tea and books when the kids are older. I would miss some time with just DD though not always having another child with you?!

trainnane · 25/04/2022 23:06

I would expect her to watch the Sat matches and tell her so. Once a month ask get to take them to one of the clubs. She is free loading

Walkingalot · 25/04/2022 23:23

Sounds like a total lack of appreciation and empty offers to take them by public transport. She must be laughing as she certainly doesn't sound grateful.
If I were you, even if it's going to upset your routine, let her take them by pt once in a while. Alternatively, set up an arrangement with another parent.

JessieOh · 25/04/2022 23:29

I'm coming out the other side of this now, as Dcs friends have learned to drive and they do the taxi-ing nowadays.
I remember that feeling of questioning if I was being taken for a mug, and the relentlessness of it. There being less freedome to say "not tonight" if i wasnt feeling up to it, and the sense of obligation if my own dc was sick, then should I still take the friend becasue it was now routine/habit/expected?

From what you are saying, you are quite happy taking your own dc and can see the downsides if you had a lift share arrangement. I'd suggest you embrace it for what it is, because resenting it isn't going to change it anyway.

In years to come, you will see the value of knowing dcs friend so well, of having that regular chatty contact with them, and supporting them in their activities. Especially if you actually like the girl.

My eldest is at uni now, currently home for Easter, and this weekend her and her friend participated in numerous activities going on in their sports club. Friend dropped dd home, stayed for dinner, chatting and having a laugh. She saw me doing something she had wanted to do for a long time so I taught her how to do it over the course of a few hours.
We all relaxed on the sofa watching TV and chatting until silly o clock.
Through this talking, we put the world to rights, they got stuff off their chests and had some informal support in solving their problems.

Dc says that she loves how her friend is almost a member of the family, and her friend loves it too.
I would never have predicted that all those journeys I resented on the dark wet cold nights of winter would have had such a positive outcome for all of us.

So I vote: Embrace it.
And the girl will look back on her childhood and be grateful that you facilitated her doing all these clubs, I know its not your duty but if you're going anyway, there can be an upside.

Kite22 · 25/04/2022 23:42

Indicatrice · 25/04/2022 22:35

@Kite22

What you call being a mug, I call being kind,

Yes, I’ve noticed it’s a running theme in most of your posts, Kite, even when people are clearly being CFs.

Bit weird that you are stalking me but.....if I do have a reputation for trying to treat people as I would like to be treated, then that's all good with me.

I recognise so much of what you are saying @JessieOh Smile

timeisnotaline · 26/04/2022 00:47

BabyBin · 25/04/2022 23:06

I get why it's annoying...

For once you would like to be that mum with a tea and a book.

However, would you? Would you rather be relaxing than watching your DD play?

I'm just like you. It would be nice.... but not worth missing out for. Plenty of time for tea and books when the kids are older. I would miss some time with just DD though not always having another child with you?!

Sometimes yes you would rather stay home of course! Does every parent not have those days when you barely notice the match/ your child’s training as your mind is on the hours of work you still have to do later that night or the piles of washing plus complete the form for activity x and pay the gymnastics invoice and 3 or 4 other things and really you are dying to read your book but it looks like not tonight or you feel a cold coming on and don’t want to go out at all but here you are? Asking her just occasionally to take them makes sure it stays on the radar as you might need it reciprocated sometime and not taken for granted. That would in no way bar the beautiful relationship building that other posters mention.