Page 3 | About giving lifts to clubs

yogahippo · 2022-04-25T20:23:48+00:00

My daughter has a best friend whose mum doesn't drive. Her dad does but he's at work in the car and works long hours. She doesn't drive because she feels it's pointless in London as parking is hard (true) and public transport options are really good (also true) The girls do lots of activities in the same groups or teams- 3 evenings a week plus usually a match at weekends. The thing is they're 11 years old in year 6. Clubs are often only finishing at 7.30/8.00. Often the weekend ones have very early starts (8.00 am) and whilst public transport IS an option it adds 30-40 mins to each journey (so an 8.00 am start means leaving at 7.20 and an 8pm finish means home for 8.30-8.45.) It's only 10 mins in the car. My daughter gets tired so I'm resigned to running and picking her up which means I also end up take her friend. The mum always volunteers to take them (honestly seems relieved though that I don't take her up on it!) and they live only 5 mins away (so it's not out of my way), and I'm going anyway so it's daft not to.... but I've recently found myself feeling a bit aggrieved. Tonight it was raining. The game overran. I was standing by a chilly pitch for 30 mins and got home at nearly 9. When I dropped friend off I could see her mum through the window with a cup of tea and a book! It'll be the same tomorrow. And Thursday. And the game on Saturday. I think I need someone to talk sense into me. It's not going to change. The mum won't suddenly start driving. I'm going anyway. The girl is lovely and her and DD are good friends. I'm going anyway. The mum does volunteer it's just I don't want a 40 min bus ride after a late finish. I'M GOING ANYWAY. Anyway I'm fairly certain I'm unreasonable being grumpy and need some perspective please!

liveforsummer · 26/04/2022 05:40

yogahippo · 25/04/2022 21:43

@Beamur the thing is if I arranged a lift share with someone else what do I do about the friend? Say to the other parent that there's another child they gave to include whose parent will never reciprocate? Thats unlikely to be well received. The other option is to join with someone else and stop giving her lifts and I can't do that.

I suppose you might have to do 2 to others one but you'd still get a break. Alternatively if the dc got collected and dropped at yours or wouldn't matter as no extra work as long as it wasn't then excluding another shared who was going to take their turn

Penguinsaregreat · 26/04/2022 06:02

I've had this in various different forms and it is a lack of appreciation that is the problem. I've turned up to football matches were it's an away game and the coach has said " Right Penguin, can you take Billy and his mum in your car? " It was never a problem as the next weekend Billy's mum would be having a BBQ to which my dcs and I would be invited with a "Just being your own drinks."
Other parents have taken my dcs to events organised by school and I've had their dcs round for tea etc. So long as it's a give and take there was never an issue. I do think the parents of this child are being mean. Maybe ask if the mum can do the next non-fiction late night drop off.

Penguinsaregreat · 26/04/2022 06:03

Non-late.

CorsicaDreaming · 26/04/2022 06:13

Troublesometooth · 25/04/2022 21:37

How about the other mum takes them and stays to watch, but then you pick them up, including the mum, and drop them home?

This seems a good idea - and she could phone you when it's finished if it's only a 5 minute drive to let you know when the match finished and then you go to get them, so even if the match over runs you can just go and collect at the right time.

NumberTheory · 26/04/2022 06:16

Can you not just out right ask her do something different to reciprocate - like the babysitting one weekend or even a sleepover so you and DH can have a weekend away.

Giving the girls lifts isn't really extra work for you, but it does restrict your ability to lift share with others. And it is an absolutely huge benefit to the other mum. So just ask her -"Valerie, since I've been saving you so many trips to drop off and pick up, do you think you could take DD for the night one weekend next month? It would be a huge help."

CorsicaDreaming · 26/04/2022 06:21

@yogahippo - I wonder if the age gap of 20 years means she almost sees you as a mother figure herself?

The arranging the disco on the one date you can't do easily seems weird too. Why ask at all and then do that?

Autienotnaughtie · 26/04/2022 06:28

If you intend to be there anyway I would just do it. If you fancy an evening/weekend off ask other mum.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/04/2022 09:10

If I was the other mum, I would absolutely be reciprocating in some other way.
She (and the dad) is (are) being very cheeky here.
I would be offering to babysit if an evening so that you and your dh could go out, I would be buying you a decent present every once in a while - theatre tickets or whatever.
It shouldn't be on you to point this out to her.
Maybe test the water with her, not by saying 'in return for x can you y' but just say 'can you babysit x night please, I'd like to go to the cinema with x' and see what she says.

Original poster

yogahippo · 26/04/2022 09:23

Kite22 · 25/04/2022 22:27

if this girl and her mum didn’t exist you would be in the same situation. You were out in the rain to support your daughter, it had nothing to do what the mum. If the girl didn’t go to football you would still be attending for your daughter and driving her home surely?

This ^
I do hear you - I took a girl that dd played football with to and from training and matches for 8 years, without so much as even a wave out the window or from the door. I thought it was incredibly rude of the family. Like you say, it seems petty, but a bottle of wine at Christmas or the end of the season (or a plant or even a card) would just have been nice. But ultimately the girl was lovely - always polite, always ready on time, always thanked me every time she got out the car, so I let the logic take over from the annoyance. Ultimately, I was privileged to watch them play for all those years, watch them grow from children to young women, and I felt really sorry that no-one ever came to watch her, and I'm not sure what I would have achieved by not giving her a lift and then her not being able to play. I was going anyway.

Exactly. This is me!

OP posts:

Original poster

yogahippo · 26/04/2022 09:25

JessieOh · 25/04/2022 23:29

I'm coming out the other side of this now, as Dcs friends have learned to drive and they do the taxi-ing nowadays.
I remember that feeling of questioning if I was being taken for a mug, and the relentlessness of it. There being less freedome to say "not tonight" if i wasnt feeling up to it, and the sense of obligation if my own dc was sick, then should I still take the friend becasue it was now routine/habit/expected?

From what you are saying, you are quite happy taking your own dc and can see the downsides if you had a lift share arrangement. I'd suggest you embrace it for what it is, because resenting it isn't going to change it anyway.

In years to come, you will see the value of knowing dcs friend so well, of having that regular chatty contact with them, and supporting them in their activities. Especially if you actually like the girl.

My eldest is at uni now, currently home for Easter, and this weekend her and her friend participated in numerous activities going on in their sports club. Friend dropped dd home, stayed for dinner, chatting and having a laugh. She saw me doing something she had wanted to do for a long time so I taught her how to do it over the course of a few hours.
We all relaxed on the sofa watching TV and chatting until silly o clock.
Through this talking, we put the world to rights, they got stuff off their chests and had some informal support in solving their problems.

Dc says that she loves how her friend is almost a member of the family, and her friend loves it too.
I would never have predicted that all those journeys I resented on the dark wet cold nights of winter would have had such a positive outcome for all of us.

So I vote: Embrace it.
And the girl will look back on her childhood and be grateful that you facilitated her doing all these clubs, I know its not your duty but if you're going anyway, there can be an upside.

That's lovely. I do think her and her friend have the potential to stay friends for a long time so it's something to look forward to!

OP posts:

Original poster

yogahippo · 26/04/2022 09:25

JessieOh · 25/04/2022 23:29

I'm coming out the other side of this now, as Dcs friends have learned to drive and they do the taxi-ing nowadays.
I remember that feeling of questioning if I was being taken for a mug, and the relentlessness of it. There being less freedome to say "not tonight" if i wasnt feeling up to it, and the sense of obligation if my own dc was sick, then should I still take the friend becasue it was now routine/habit/expected?

From what you are saying, you are quite happy taking your own dc and can see the downsides if you had a lift share arrangement. I'd suggest you embrace it for what it is, because resenting it isn't going to change it anyway.

In years to come, you will see the value of knowing dcs friend so well, of having that regular chatty contact with them, and supporting them in their activities. Especially if you actually like the girl.

My eldest is at uni now, currently home for Easter, and this weekend her and her friend participated in numerous activities going on in their sports club. Friend dropped dd home, stayed for dinner, chatting and having a laugh. She saw me doing something she had wanted to do for a long time so I taught her how to do it over the course of a few hours.
We all relaxed on the sofa watching TV and chatting until silly o clock.
Through this talking, we put the world to rights, they got stuff off their chests and had some informal support in solving their problems.

Dc says that she loves how her friend is almost a member of the family, and her friend loves it too.
I would never have predicted that all those journeys I resented on the dark wet cold nights of winter would have had such a positive outcome for all of us.

So I vote: Embrace it.
And the girl will look back on her childhood and be grateful that you facilitated her doing all these clubs, I know its not your duty but if you're going anyway, there can be an upside.

That's lovely. I do think her and her friend have the potential to stay friends for a long time so it's something to look forward to!

OP posts:

Original poster

yogahippo · 26/04/2022 09:25

JessieOh · 25/04/2022 23:29

I'm coming out the other side of this now, as Dcs friends have learned to drive and they do the taxi-ing nowadays.
I remember that feeling of questioning if I was being taken for a mug, and the relentlessness of it. There being less freedome to say "not tonight" if i wasnt feeling up to it, and the sense of obligation if my own dc was sick, then should I still take the friend becasue it was now routine/habit/expected?

From what you are saying, you are quite happy taking your own dc and can see the downsides if you had a lift share arrangement. I'd suggest you embrace it for what it is, because resenting it isn't going to change it anyway.

In years to come, you will see the value of knowing dcs friend so well, of having that regular chatty contact with them, and supporting them in their activities. Especially if you actually like the girl.

My eldest is at uni now, currently home for Easter, and this weekend her and her friend participated in numerous activities going on in their sports club. Friend dropped dd home, stayed for dinner, chatting and having a laugh. She saw me doing something she had wanted to do for a long time so I taught her how to do it over the course of a few hours.
We all relaxed on the sofa watching TV and chatting until silly o clock.
Through this talking, we put the world to rights, they got stuff off their chests and had some informal support in solving their problems.

Dc says that she loves how her friend is almost a member of the family, and her friend loves it too.
I would never have predicted that all those journeys I resented on the dark wet cold nights of winter would have had such a positive outcome for all of us.

So I vote: Embrace it.
And the girl will look back on her childhood and be grateful that you facilitated her doing all these clubs, I know its not your duty but if you're going anyway, there can be an upside.

That's lovely. I do think her and her friend have the potential to stay friends for a long time so it's something to look forward to!

OP posts:

Original poster

yogahippo · 26/04/2022 09:25

JessieOh · 25/04/2022 23:29

I'm coming out the other side of this now, as Dcs friends have learned to drive and they do the taxi-ing nowadays.
I remember that feeling of questioning if I was being taken for a mug, and the relentlessness of it. There being less freedome to say "not tonight" if i wasnt feeling up to it, and the sense of obligation if my own dc was sick, then should I still take the friend becasue it was now routine/habit/expected?

From what you are saying, you are quite happy taking your own dc and can see the downsides if you had a lift share arrangement. I'd suggest you embrace it for what it is, because resenting it isn't going to change it anyway.

In years to come, you will see the value of knowing dcs friend so well, of having that regular chatty contact with them, and supporting them in their activities. Especially if you actually like the girl.

My eldest is at uni now, currently home for Easter, and this weekend her and her friend participated in numerous activities going on in their sports club. Friend dropped dd home, stayed for dinner, chatting and having a laugh. She saw me doing something she had wanted to do for a long time so I taught her how to do it over the course of a few hours.
We all relaxed on the sofa watching TV and chatting until silly o clock.
Through this talking, we put the world to rights, they got stuff off their chests and had some informal support in solving their problems.

Dc says that she loves how her friend is almost a member of the family, and her friend loves it too.
I would never have predicted that all those journeys I resented on the dark wet cold nights of winter would have had such a positive outcome for all of us.

So I vote: Embrace it.
And the girl will look back on her childhood and be grateful that you facilitated her doing all these clubs, I know its not your duty but if you're going anyway, there can be an upside.

That's lovely. I do think her and her friend have the potential to stay friends for a long time so it's something to look forward to!

OP posts:

Original poster

yogahippo · 26/04/2022 09:25

JessieOh · 25/04/2022 23:29

I'm coming out the other side of this now, as Dcs friends have learned to drive and they do the taxi-ing nowadays.
I remember that feeling of questioning if I was being taken for a mug, and the relentlessness of it. There being less freedome to say "not tonight" if i wasnt feeling up to it, and the sense of obligation if my own dc was sick, then should I still take the friend becasue it was now routine/habit/expected?

From what you are saying, you are quite happy taking your own dc and can see the downsides if you had a lift share arrangement. I'd suggest you embrace it for what it is, because resenting it isn't going to change it anyway.

In years to come, you will see the value of knowing dcs friend so well, of having that regular chatty contact with them, and supporting them in their activities. Especially if you actually like the girl.

My eldest is at uni now, currently home for Easter, and this weekend her and her friend participated in numerous activities going on in their sports club. Friend dropped dd home, stayed for dinner, chatting and having a laugh. She saw me doing something she had wanted to do for a long time so I taught her how to do it over the course of a few hours.
We all relaxed on the sofa watching TV and chatting until silly o clock.
Through this talking, we put the world to rights, they got stuff off their chests and had some informal support in solving their problems.

Dc says that she loves how her friend is almost a member of the family, and her friend loves it too.
I would never have predicted that all those journeys I resented on the dark wet cold nights of winter would have had such a positive outcome for all of us.

So I vote: Embrace it.
And the girl will look back on her childhood and be grateful that you facilitated her doing all these clubs, I know its not your duty but if you're going anyway, there can be an upside.

That's lovely. I do think her and her friend have the potential to stay friends for a long time so it's something to look forward to!

OP posts:

internetpersonme · 26/04/2022 09:36

Does she pay for petrol? I cant drive my dd does a sport with 6am start. She made a friend who lives 5 mins away and they offer us lifts. I always offer petrol money which is refused so i buy the mum wine and chocolates etc at every opportunity and buy coffees too.

viques · 26/04/2022 09:46

I would suggest to other mum that she comes with you, she does the standing on the sidelines cheering in the cold and rain and you sit in the car with the seat pushed back, a good book and a thermos of coffee.

QueenKit · 26/04/2022 10:05

Get her mum to drop her at yours and pick her up from yours. That way there's no extra driving for you, so you do the favour with no additional effort.

Or as others have suggested, ask her to do some stuff that will help you in other ways (play dates, tea, etc)

wanderingscot · 26/04/2022 10:17

I think you said they're in Y6.
It'll all change when they get to secondary anyway, so I think this might be a short term frustration of yours.
They might end up going to different schools, change friends, want to do different clubs, just grow out of stuff.
Hang in there - you're being a good role model for both girls and they won't forget your kindness. The other Mum is definitely a CF for taking it all for granted. I think secondary will give you the chance to re-set this.

wanderingscot · 26/04/2022 10:17

I think you said they're in Y6.
It'll all change when they get to secondary anyway, so I think this might be a short term frustration of yours.
They might end up going to different schools, change friends, want to do different clubs, just grow out of stuff.
Hang in there - you're being a good role model for both girls and they won't forget your kindness. The other Mum is definitely a CF for taking it all for granted. I think secondary will give you the chance to re-set this.

wanderingscot · 26/04/2022 10:17

I think you said they're in Y6.
It'll all change when they get to secondary anyway, so I think this might be a short term frustration of yours.
They might end up going to different schools, change friends, want to do different clubs, just grow out of stuff.
Hang in there - you're being a good role model for both girls and they won't forget your kindness. The other Mum is definitely a CF for taking it all for granted. I think secondary will give you the chance to re-set this.

wanderingscot · 26/04/2022 10:17

I think you said they're in Y6.
It'll all change when they get to secondary anyway, so I think this might be a short term frustration of yours.
They might end up going to different schools, change friends, want to do different clubs, just grow out of stuff.
Hang in there - you're being a good role model for both girls and they won't forget your kindness. The other Mum is definitely a CF for taking it all for granted. I think secondary will give you the chance to re-set this.

wanderingscot · 26/04/2022 11:20

I think you said they're in Y6.
It'll all change when they get to secondary anyway, so I think this might be a short term frustration of yours.
They might end up going to different schools, change friends, want to do different clubs, just grow out of stuff.
Hang in there - you're being a good role model for both girls and they won't forget your kindness. The other Mum is definitely a CF for taking it all for granted. I think secondary will give you the chance to re-set this.

wanderingscot · 26/04/2022 11:21

Gah, sorry, didn't mean to post so many times - internet problems!

AnonAnom940 · 26/04/2022 12:04

Can the other Mum come along as well? Obviously you'd still be giving them lifts but at least you'd have some adult company

NightmareSituation · 26/04/2022 12:11

I’d be pissed off too OP.

It wouldn’t do the other mum any harm to do some of the weekends or even show her appreciation with a bottle of wine or a bunch of flowers.

Some people are just CF.