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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU asking DM not to pray for me

65 replies

Felinefancier · 25/04/2022 10:17

My DM aged 92 is very religious, an anti-vaxxer and doesn't believe in Covid.

I'm just getting over Covid and when we last spoke, she asked if she could pray for me. I said yes, but the 'prayer' was all about rebuking Covid and me for believing in it.

She also berated me for not taking lemon and garlic at the onset of symptoms, because that would have cured me in days.

I haven't seen her in person for over two years. I'll be visiting the city where she lives this weekend.

I know she's not going to change, but she probably doesn't have long left for this world, I want to see her but I find her criticism-disguised-as-prayer deeply offensive.

AIBU to ask her not to pray for me as a condition of my visit?

OP posts:

nearlyspringyay · 25/04/2022 10:20

I wouldn't bother, she'll do it anyway.

user47 · 25/04/2022 10:21

She is 92 and you've not seen her for 2 years. The praying is neither here nor there is it?
Why go and see her at all? How will you know if she is praying for you or not? What does it matter - surely you don't think that any God is listening to her nonsense? I'd go and see her and ask her not to discuss covid, or praying as you're utterly bored of it and if she starts up say "yes Mum, let's talk about something else" or if you can't stand it then just don't go. She won't change at 92.

PurpleDaisies · 25/04/2022 10:21

How are you going to police that?

Original poster

Felinefancier · 25/04/2022 10:21

nearlyspringyay. Thanks, do you mean don't bother visiting, or don't bother asking her not to pray?

OP posts:

Aprilx · 25/04/2022 10:22

Deeply offensive really? Roll your eyes and let her be.

RJnomore1 · 25/04/2022 10:23

Do you mean she prays for you with you there? If so absolutely. I don’t think you will sto her praying for you in private but you don’t need to know.

Original poster

Felinefancier · 25/04/2022 10:23

user47. I don't mind what she does when I'm not there. It's the praying/criticism in front of me that upsets me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Felinefancier · 25/04/2022 10:24

RJnomore1

It's the praying when I'm there that bothers me. I don't care what she does in private.

OP posts:

RJnomore1 · 25/04/2022 10:25

Yes tell her no. I don’t know if you need to lay it down beforehand or just say no I don’t want you to. She will probably take offense either way. People with normal relationships with their mothers won’t get why this bothers you but I do!

Wingedharpy · 25/04/2022 10:25

Is she praying quietly and privately or will the visit be like an extended religious service?

CounsellorTroi · 25/04/2022 10:26

It’s no skin off your nose if she does pray for you. I think you can afford to go with the flow on this one.

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 10:26

I think you could say “Of course you can pray for me, Mum, but I’d rather you did it in private and not when I’m with you as I don’t believe like you do and it makes me uncomfortable to listen.”

timestheyarechanging · 25/04/2022 10:28

Go and see her. Let her do what she wants - you may not believe in prayer (I don't) but my late mil, Irish catholic, used to pray for me if I lost something (st Anthony) or was Ill. I never used to think too much of it, she wanted to do it so that was fine.

I think you should just spend time with her and go along with her wishes, whilst she's still here.

Original poster

Felinefancier · 25/04/2022 10:29

NoSquirels. Thanks, good suggestion. I find DM very triggering so a 'script' is very useful.

OP posts:

SleeplessInEngland · 25/04/2022 10:32

I think the bigger problem is you have a nutjob for a mother - her praying for you is small fry in comparison and not worth worrying about in the scheme of things.

timestheyarechanging · 25/04/2022 10:34

Maybe just leave the room if she starts praying in front of you. You don't have to join in or listen. Tell her to shout 'hail Mary' when she's finished!

Mumoblue · 25/04/2022 10:36

If she’s doing it while you’re there, out loud and in a rude way that’s to berate you- it’s perfectly reasonable to ask her not to.

Original poster

Felinefancier · 25/04/2022 10:36

Wingedharpy Loud prayer, 5-10 minutes, usually at the end of the visit or phone call, often includes her speaking in tongues. Usually includes veiled (and not so veiled) critism of me.

OP posts:

CaveMum · 25/04/2022 10:37

I feel your pain. My mother is a JW (converted when I was 10). It took me years to realise that I didn’t have to go along with her/their way of doing things and it’s only in the last decade that I’ve been able to stand up to her and tell her not to send me copies of The Watchtower (which go straight in the recycling), or invitations to “special events”. Even just last week she sent me a text asking if she could send me daily scripture quotes by text in order to make me feel better about the “dreadful world we’re living in.”

I’ve found the best course of action is a firm, “thanks but no thanks”. I don’t engage, I don’t act offended (even though I might feel it) and I just try to brush it off and then have a rant at DH about it!

VeganGod · 25/04/2022 10:38

I wouldn’t bother asking her not to pray at all for you, she could just do it anyway. You would be perfectly entitled to tell her that you don’t want her to pray about you in front of you or to hear about certain topics and that you will leave if theres any criticism of you disguised as prayer.

I wouldn’t visit anyone like this but I don’t believe in the blood is thicker than water thing. If people cause me to feel rubbish about myself, I remove them from my life, regardless of who they are or their age. I understand most people aren’t like me in that way though, but if you set out your conditions from the start, then hopefully it will make the visit a more pleasant one for both of you.

Original poster

Felinefancier · 25/04/2022 10:41

SleeplessinEngland You've hit the nail on the head.

She is mad as a box of frogs. Has always been ultra-religious. I was brought up to think it's very rude to ask someone not to pray. It's my feelings versus hers.

It's easy to say 'Oh just ignore it' but much harder to do.

OP posts:

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 25/04/2022 10:44

Praying isn't a problem. What is a problem is the passive aggressive criticism and belittling which she dresses up as concern for you.

A good response to that would be to remove yourself from the situation by leaving or hanging up when she starts but I get that it can be hard to change the habits of a lifetime.

Original poster

Felinefancier · 25/04/2022 10:44

Cave Mum Thank you. Very helpful. Really appreciate hearing from others who were brought up in ultra-religious homes. It's hard to shake off that stuff!

OP posts:

heldinadream · 25/04/2022 10:45

Can you leave as soon as she starts? You don't have to stay and endure it, surely? Sympathies OP.

Minimalme · 25/04/2022 10:45

Felinefancier · 25/04/2022 10:36

Wingedharpy Loud prayer, 5-10 minutes, usually at the end of the visit or phone call, often includes her speaking in tongues. Usually includes veiled (and not so veiled) critism of me.

Fuck that op.

Don't go. I would bet my mortgage she has been an appalling Mother and seeks to ruin every contact you have with her.

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