Losing respect for unemployed dh

[whatisforteamum]

Dh has been made redundant again for the second time in 3 yrs.
The first time he enjoyed the freedom and took 3 months doing what he wanted while I worked and helped him find work.
I introduced him to recruitment sites as I'm well versed in applying for jobs and despite being in his late 50s he wasn't.
So 2 months ago he lost this other job.
Obviously it hit him hard as it was out of the blue we the got coronavirus and some DIY on the house cost us dearly which has dragged on too.The GP gave him some advice on mental health and he won't take it.
When I mention it he gets defensive.I advised keeping a structure of waking up which he isn't doing much either.
I don't get why he isn't that bothered to look for work while I'm doing 12 or 13 hour days.Im not paying his share as he has savings I'm just frustrated by his attitude as we both don't earn much.
I can't see how we can continue like this and resentment is building.
I know he is in his 60s but getting out there must be a priority surely a retirement is a few years away.
Pls tell me I'm unreasonable if you think I am as I don't understand.

You’re not being unreasonable. Why should he work when he doesn’t need to.
Resentment is a relationship killer, time to get your ducks in a row.

Is he discouraged? I hear it's harder to find work at his age, so maybe he's already experienced some discrimination? He sounds like he needs mental health support.

YANBU. Does he enough savings / pension pot to retire?

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. There are jobs EVERYWHERE, I've never seen anything like it. I'm not going to advocate that he start re-training for a whole new career at nearly 60, but he could easily find some sort of job to keep him occupied and contribute to family finances. His MH will just get worse while he sits at home and frets, and I bet the doctor told him that as well.

Look, I don't know really what you can do. You can't force an adult man to take medication, exercise, or look after his mental health properly. But you are definitely not unreasonable to resent him for it.

Where we live there are loads of jobs absolutely loads unskilled and skilled.
No part of me understands this.I have had M H issues and got support and worked through it.im at a loss.

Loosing your job through redundancy and at such a high frequency is soul destroying and it really does hit home hard and make you feel worthless. It sounds to me like your DH may be showing signs of depression. Men often struggle to accept they are depressed and handle really badly.

If he's in his 60s already can he officially retire and take his pension? It must be very hard to have to start job seeking at his age.

Have you ever been made redundant? It's soul destroying. I felt utterly worthless when it happened to me and it completely destroyed my confidence.

There might be loads of jobs but are any of those places willing to take on someone a few years off retirement?

No I haven't soupdragon.The industry I work in is renowned for high turnover so I had numerous jobs.I appreciate being told not to come back to work is different to choosing it.
I know money can fly out quickly though and we are great at budgeting but i would actively look for work.

He does sound depressed as you’ve said he’s not looking for work and even has trouble waking up. I’d send him back to GP to ask for anti-depressants and ask about local IAPT or other resources. The Job Centre work coaches can be helpful too at things like age proofing your CV to avoid age discrimination (which is very real). My DH got depressed when he was sacked in his 50s for whistleblowing. We couldn’t afford to go to tribunal but ACAS said if we did it was a definite win for unfair dismissal. This destroyed him.
Because he was depressed, he’d sit for hours looking at the job boards and every advert think “I can’t do that” and apply for nothing. So I literally sat with him and we went through the adverts together and id say “you can do this, this one sounds exciting” talk about the job for a bit and then we’d shortlist it. Id sit with him for an hour doing this until we have a half dozen jobs shortlisted and then next morning id go off to work. I would get him up and fed in the morning, and hed spend the day applying to just those jobs…sometimes he’d email me a cover letter to read over. That evening we’d check for new job adverts and so on.

i know it’s hand holding and as an adult he should be able to do it himself, but he honestly could not do it by himself due to the depression. He needed me to be a work coach of sorts and cheer him on. You could consider a similar approach if you think it might help.

Yanbu but I think a surprising number of people haven't really truly realised retirement age is higher now and don't actually consider what that means in terms of working in your 60s. They mentally aren't prepared to do it and especially not to job seek at that age.

I appreciate being told not to come back to work is different to choosing it.

I'm not sure you do appreciate it really. It doesn't seem like it.

Was he at a high level when he was made redundant? Or have some rare and niche qualification or skill? I don't think you understand how difficult it is to get a new job as an unskilled worker in your sixties. Why would a supermarket hire a 62 year old shelf-stacker when they can pick between five 22 year olds?

You say he's 'in his 60s' but how old is he, exactly? State pension age at the moment is 66 I think, so I think there's a difference between not looking for work at 61 and not looking for work at 65.

I understand why you're worried about the money etc but I think you need to be a lot more understanding about what it's like losing your job twice in three years, especially at his age, and the effect that might be having on his mental health.

Thank you all I suppose as I'm a little younger I don't feel unemployable.
I have hand held him before and I don't want to be dragged down when I've had help for being very depressed last year.
I found the CBT helpful.
He is 62.So 5 more years working.

The best advise I can give is think of what you would say if your girlfriend came and said she has lost her job etc this close to retirement .
There are a lot of double standards when it comes to this sort tofu thing.Most women I know wouldn't want to go back into job hunting at that age if they could pay for themselves.
Is the resentment really a jelousy?If he pays his way then you would be in a same financial position and you would be doing the same shifts regardless of what he does with his time.
It's more about him being at home and you at work which isn't fair

I think your husband deserves a bit more support, you are coming across as a bit of a fair weather spouse here.

I also think you are wrong in your assumption that it is easy to get a job. I am in my 50s and have had a good professional career but I am done with that now and would just like a job, an unskilled job. Apparently they are everywhere, I read something about airports being desperate for staff so I applied, but do you know what, seems they don’t want 50 odd year old women. It’s tough out there.

I agree I was looking to cut my hours from 5 of 12 hours to 4 12 hour days.
Obviously I've put this on hold while he has zero income.
Perhaps because I've been here before I know how draining it is to support someone when free time is so limited for myself.

Can you ask him to take on all the house stuff ? At least aftee your tiring day you won't have anything else to do.

Alot of people can’t retire even at state pension age as cost of living so high now and state pension not enough to have any semblance if life on. This is why I encourage people I know to incest in a pension if they do not belong to a gold-plated work based type like the NHS one.

If he is living off his savings, then maybe he has unofficially retired and doesn't plan on going back to work. Could you have a conversation with him about whether he plans to find a job at all, or is going to take early retirement? He may have a pension lump sum he could access for example. You could separate finances so his decisions have less effect on you.

I have little sympathy. Being made redundant is shitty but once you've moped around and felt sorry for yourself, you need to buck up your ideas and get on with trying to find a new job.

I have little sympathy. Being made redundant is shitty but once you've moped around and felt sorry for yourself, you need to buck up your ideas and get on with trying to find a new job.

Why are you working such long hours?

I think at 62 he may well really struggle to find another job - or at least, one that pays well and which he is physically capable of doing.

What field was he employed in before?