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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Losing respect for unemployed dh

58 replies

whatisforteamum · 25/04/2022 08:55

Dh has been made redundant again for the second time in 3 yrs.
The first time he enjoyed the freedom and took 3 months doing what he wanted while I worked and helped him find work.
I introduced him to recruitment sites as I'm well versed in applying for jobs and despite being in his late 50s he wasn't.
So 2 months ago he lost this other job.
Obviously it hit him hard as it was out of the blue we the got coronavirus and some DIY on the house cost us dearly which has dragged on too.The GP gave him some advice on mental health and he won't take it.
When I mention it he gets defensive.I advised keeping a structure of waking up which he isn't doing much either.
I don't get why he isn't that bothered to look for work while I'm doing 12 or 13 hour days.Im not paying his share as he has savings I'm just frustrated by his attitude as we both don't earn much.
I can't see how we can continue like this and resentment is building.
I know he is in his 60s but getting out there must be a priority surely a retirement is a few years away.
Pls tell me I'm unreasonable if you think I am as I don't understand.

OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/04/2022 09:31

whatisforteamum · 26/04/2022 09:03

I agree I was looking to cut my hours from 5 of 12 hours to 4 12 hour days.
Obviously I've put this on hold while he has zero income.
Perhaps because I've been here before I know how draining it is to support someone when free time is so limited for myself.

Why are you working such long hours?

I think at 62 he may well really struggle to find another job - or at least, one that pays well and which he is physically capable of doing.

What field was he employed in before?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/04/2022 09:31

whatisforteamum · 26/04/2022 09:03

I agree I was looking to cut my hours from 5 of 12 hours to 4 12 hour days.
Obviously I've put this on hold while he has zero income.
Perhaps because I've been here before I know how draining it is to support someone when free time is so limited for myself.

Why are you working such long hours?

I think at 62 he may well really struggle to find another job - or at least, one that pays well and which he is physically capable of doing.

What field was he employed in before?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/04/2022 09:31

whatisforteamum · 26/04/2022 09:03

I agree I was looking to cut my hours from 5 of 12 hours to 4 12 hour days.
Obviously I've put this on hold while he has zero income.
Perhaps because I've been here before I know how draining it is to support someone when free time is so limited for myself.

Why are you working such long hours?

I think at 62 he may well really struggle to find another job - or at least, one that pays well and which he is physically capable of doing.

What field was he employed in before?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/04/2022 09:31

whatisforteamum · 26/04/2022 09:03

I agree I was looking to cut my hours from 5 of 12 hours to 4 12 hour days.
Obviously I've put this on hold while he has zero income.
Perhaps because I've been here before I know how draining it is to support someone when free time is so limited for myself.

Why are you working such long hours?

I think at 62 he may well really struggle to find another job - or at least, one that pays well and which he is physically capable of doing.

What field was he employed in before?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/04/2022 09:31

whatisforteamum · 26/04/2022 09:03

I agree I was looking to cut my hours from 5 of 12 hours to 4 12 hour days.
Obviously I've put this on hold while he has zero income.
Perhaps because I've been here before I know how draining it is to support someone when free time is so limited for myself.

Why are you working such long hours?

I think at 62 he may well really struggle to find another job - or at least, one that pays well and which he is physically capable of doing.

What field was he employed in before?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/04/2022 09:31

whatisforteamum · 26/04/2022 09:03

I agree I was looking to cut my hours from 5 of 12 hours to 4 12 hour days.
Obviously I've put this on hold while he has zero income.
Perhaps because I've been here before I know how draining it is to support someone when free time is so limited for myself.

Why are you working such long hours?

I think at 62 he may well really struggle to find another job - or at least, one that pays well and which he is physically capable of doing.

What field was he employed in before?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/04/2022 09:31

whatisforteamum · 26/04/2022 09:03

I agree I was looking to cut my hours from 5 of 12 hours to 4 12 hour days.
Obviously I've put this on hold while he has zero income.
Perhaps because I've been here before I know how draining it is to support someone when free time is so limited for myself.

Why are you working such long hours?

I think at 62 he may well really struggle to find another job - or at least, one that pays well and which he is physically capable of doing.

What field was he employed in before?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/04/2022 09:32

Bloody app!

I have reported myself Grin

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 26/04/2022 09:40

He is catching up on DIY and doing all chores.
He needs to keep a structure

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 26/04/2022 09:47

Is he looking for work? Does he want to work?
Can his savings allow him to retire early?

It is very difficult to have two redundancies close together and more difficult to start working totally outside of your industry at almost 63.

Why is his working situation stopping you from reducing your hours if you aren’t paying for him and he is using his savings?
Maybe he just wants a breather. Pausing for 3 months is hardly a huge sign of laziness, particularly as he is doing all the chores and diy now.

MandUs · 26/04/2022 10:04

Yes, why are you working so many hours? Even health care jobs that are known for 12/13 hour shifts are legally restricted to a 48 hour average a week. At least the ones I know. EU time directive.

caringcarer · 26/04/2022 10:17

If he is good at DIY once he has finished doing your jobs at home perhaps he could advertise his services for a bit of painting, or putting up shelves for others. It is so hard to find a good and reliable handyman to do a bit of lawn mowing or put up a shelf. Suggest it to him. At over 62 he is quite old to be applying for jobs as you must know full well employers are not looking to take older employees on do close to pension age of 66. He could perhaps live off of his savings and PT handyman jobs until he is 66 and gets state pension. Does he have a private pension he could drawdown on to keep him going until state pension kicks in?

OakPine · 26/04/2022 12:26

Retirement age for people in their 20s in the UK is currently 68. When they get there, it will likely have been moved again.

The ageist comments on here are appalling. The OP said nothing about here husband being in poor physical health or unable to work!

I always think that the people who are making derogatory comments about people in their 50s+ being too old to find employment. Guess what, when you are at that age, you will likely have 20-25 years still to work.

lassof · 26/04/2022 13:52

I'm 50. I'd retire/ semi-retire in a heartbeat if it was financially viable and I was made redundant. I can't imagine I would feel more enthusiastic about the world of work at 62 with 4 years til I could officially claim my pension. I think I'd enjoy DIY and using my savings for as long as I could, too.
Of course, I don't have a partner to appease so I can do what I want.
Ops other half isn't using her money (yet)

SpiderinaWingMirror · 26/04/2022 14:07

That's a hard spot to be in and one that many of us might face. I'm mid 50s, dh the same. It's hard to see from here whether employers will support/recruit large numbers of 60 plus as more of us approach that age. I found it hard to find another role I'm my early 50s, and then it's on a good £10k less than I am probably worth!
If he has no access to pension and is spending his savings It's not sustainable. Is it just that he doesn't want to work?

HollowTalk · 26/04/2022 14:11

It sounds as though in his head he's retired now and is leaving it to you to do the work outside the house.

If he was working, would you still want to be with him? Is it just the problem of him not working?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/04/2022 14:29

The ageist comments on here are appalling. The OP said nothing about here husband being in poor physical health or unable to work!

Nobody has been ageist - but people are being realistic.

Regardless of what the retirement age is, people won't want to hire someone in their sixties when they can hire someone in their late teens or twenties for less money, especially when the younger person will likely be seen as a "better investment".

I know plenty of people in their sixties who would struggle to work full time in a manual or physical job, even though they may be in decent overall health. OP hasn't said anything about what industry her husband is in or her health, so all we can do is speculate.

It's not ageist to say people generally struggle with busy, physical work as they get older - we all get old, it's just a fact of life!

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 26/04/2022 15:26

I agree some comments appear ageist.
My line of work is normally done by 20s 30yrs yr old single men.
I'm 55 yr old woman.We are so short staffed at the moment I am exhausted but so are the 30 somethings.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/04/2022 15:54

whatisforteamum · 26/04/2022 15:26

I agree some comments appear ageist.
My line of work is normally done by 20s 30yrs yr old single men.
I'm 55 yr old woman.We are so short staffed at the moment I am exhausted but so are the 30 somethings.

Is he physically capable of doing something like Private Hire work (you can be a bit more choosy than a taxi driver for work)?
Window cleaning? Odd jobs?
What is his skill-set?

Discovereads · 26/04/2022 16:41

The ageist comments on here are appalling. The OP said nothing about here husband being in poor physical health or unable to work!

Its not ageist to comment that ageism is very real and rampant for older workers. It is also not ageist to factually point out that a 62yr old cannot do the same level of physical labor as a 22yr old….so there are realistically some jobs the DH simply cannot apply for….ie he can’t join the armed forces can he?

Aprilx · 26/04/2022 16:47

OakPine · 26/04/2022 12:26

Retirement age for people in their 20s in the UK is currently 68. When they get there, it will likely have been moved again.

The ageist comments on here are appalling. The OP said nothing about here husband being in poor physical health or unable to work!

I always think that the people who are making derogatory comments about people in their 50s+ being too old to find employment. Guess what, when you are at that age, you will likely have 20-25 years still to work.

Nobody has made an ageist comment on here. Some people have commented that there is ageism in the workplace and it can be hard for older people to find work. That is not ageist.

I am only in my 50s and would like some local unskilled work but I cannot even illicit a response from any of my applications. I can only imagine this will get harder over the next decade.

bellac11 · 26/04/2022 16:52

Ten years ago when my OH was still in his 50s, we moved out of London and to the coast and we thought it would be easy for him to simply move into local authority work down here, he works for a central London local authority

It wasnt and he still works there, 160 mile round commute, takes hours

He isnt on a high income but even so that cant be replicated here and certainly not with the pension he is paying into

Every single job that we sawm private or public, even for the most basic role wanted degree or A levels minimum, he hasnt got anything like that. He cant even do joined up writing, I highly suspect he is dyslexic but thats a different story. He simply doesnt have the modern skills that employers expect despite being able to turn his hand to anything. He didnt get A levels and isnt really that computer literate although gets by in what he does in his own job

Anything that was much much lower in terms of unskilled work, he couldnt get an interview and the wages wouldnt have been enough anyway, even if we took the cost of his current commute off

Its a nightmare trying to find a job at that age. Its the reason why he will need to retain his current role until retirement, he simply cant move anywhere else despite the terrible commute

Nsky62 · 26/04/2022 16:57

Physically 62 is almost un employable, you know as I do, volunteer work maybe

Jaxhog · 26/04/2022 16:58

Hmm. I was made redundant 4 times in a row. It's tough, but you have to keep going. The last time, I decided to start my own freelance business. It was a good decision.

Nsky62 · 26/04/2022 17:03

The chances are he has some difficulties, nearly 60, have muscular hip problems, go regularly to oesopath, no way am I employable, luckily I don’t need to.
pits what happens as we age

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