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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scouts jamboree 2023

97 replies

Pissedoffcat · 24/04/2022 21:47

I already give regular amounts to my chosen charities.
I also provide the relatively expensive presents requested by my friend for her children in terms of birthday and Christmas and have done so for many years.

I am now being tapped up in very unsubtle ways to contribute to one of their children going to next year's jamboree in Seoul. Will cost around£4000 approx.

AIBU to feel annoyed at being put under emotional pressure when Im personally on a budget myself and, rightly or wrongly, I don't necessarily see the Scouts as a charity?

I admit I don't know much about the Scouts and their infrastructure.
But I'm uneasy at adding another financial burden onto myself, for what seems a very nice jolly.

I don't want to appear unsympathetic but I am torn about this.

Is it me being unreasonable in feeling annoyed at being prompted to dig into my pocket? Especially for an organisation I really don't know about and I have already chosen certain places for regular donations?

Advice welcome.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/04/2022 14:15

If a scout drops out the money raised goes to pay for others who can't afford it

That's good to know, passport, but I was thinking more about what happenes to cash others may have donated if the balance hasn't yet been paid over to the Scouts

toomuchlaundry · 25/04/2022 16:05

The cost of the jamboree has to be paid in set instalments, so the £4k isn’t just paid over at the end

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/04/2022 16:10

Ah, I see - thanks, toomuchlaundry
That actually sounds pretty sensible, since at least that way they've got some commitment to people going

Original poster
Pissedoffcat · 25/04/2022 16:59

Yes, I read up a bit more and I see the instalment schedule.
I'm bracing myself for extra hints around instalment dates.
I'm now thinking just saying cash for birthday and Christmas may not actually be the final answer as it were. There's payments required after then.
Am I overthinking this? I hope so. But I've had a few awkward experiences about presents in the past.

I'll give you an example - for context- a few years ago, it was a significant birthday for my friend.
She gave me an idea of what she'd like.
I know how particular she is, and because it was a relatively expensive item, I sent her a link to it.
She replied saying it was very nice but she'd prefer 'this one' and sent a link for a similar but more expensive item.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 25/04/2022 17:07

Pissedoffcat · 25/04/2022 16:59

Yes, I read up a bit more and I see the instalment schedule.
I'm bracing myself for extra hints around instalment dates.
I'm now thinking just saying cash for birthday and Christmas may not actually be the final answer as it were. There's payments required after then.
Am I overthinking this? I hope so. But I've had a few awkward experiences about presents in the past.

I'll give you an example - for context- a few years ago, it was a significant birthday for my friend.
She gave me an idea of what she'd like.
I know how particular she is, and because it was a relatively expensive item, I sent her a link to it.
She replied saying it was very nice but she'd prefer 'this one' and sent a link for a similar but more expensive item.

If you intend to pay anyway, I'm not sure what you are looking for from this thread, OP. It's entirely your decision whatever you do - it's not down to your friend, the hints or links she sends - it's down to you. Why don't you want to say no to this friend?

toomuchlaundry · 25/04/2022 17:11

How close a friend are they? What sort of presents and gifts does she get you?

Antarcticant · 25/04/2022 17:28

A wonderful experience for your friend's son, to be sure, but why on earth are you expected to help fund it?

CFs.

Antarcticant · 25/04/2022 17:28

A wonderful experience for your friend's son, to be sure, but why on earth are you expected to help fund it?

CFs.

rookiemere · 25/04/2022 17:31

OP I'm really sorry but this doesn't appear to be any sort of friend at all. What has she given you in terms of emotional support and companionship for all these years your wallet has been open to her and her family?

I'd close it down now " Dear Friend, as you know my financial position has changed.Scout Jamboree sounds like a great opportunity for Maximus and I'm happy to provide my usual Christmas and birthday gifts as cash rather than presents. But I'm not in a position to support further than that. Best wishes."
And see what happens- a good friend will
Come back and say of course thank you for your support let's meet up for dinner sometime soon.

rookiemere · 25/04/2022 17:32

OP I'm really sorry but this doesn't appear to be any sort of friend at all. What has she given you in terms of emotional support and companionship for all these years your wallet has been open to her and her family?

I'd close it down now " Dear Friend, as you know my financial position has changed.Scout Jamboree sounds like a great opportunity for Maximus and I'm happy to provide my usual Christmas and birthday gifts as cash rather than presents. But I'm not in a position to support further than that. Best wishes."
And see what happens- a good friend will
Come back and say of course thank you for your support let's meet up for dinner sometime soon.

Original poster
Pissedoffcat · 25/04/2022 17:33

@ChicCroissant I'm troubled about paying and I'm wondering if I'm being unkind. It's not something I've budgeted for. But I'm feeling selfish and torn about it.

@toomuchlaundry - I get a token present. Which is fine by me. I prefer no gifts at all, but if they insist I refer them to a couple of charities I support.

We've known each other a long time and I was involved in her labour until her mother took over.
We were work colleagues for different areas. But I had to give my job up due to an accident.
We have a good connection , but this present oriented trait has always been there. Just seems to have got worse.
Which is why I'm uneasy about the jamboree. I think the pressure will continue throughout the fund raising year.

And, as has been pointed out, I am seen as the bankofpissedoffcat, by family as well as others.

OP posts:
Whitney168 · 25/04/2022 17:34

The list is presented with no discussion. I learned early that it was not negotiable.

Of course 'the list' is negotiable, in that you have no obligation whatsoever to buy anything for her or her children (and you can be sure that demands for expensive items would make me stop it PDQ, if I were you).

How does she reciprocate, @Pissedoffcat?

Original poster
Pissedoffcat · 25/04/2022 17:37

@rookiemere - that sounds a plan!
Thanks.

OP posts:
Whitney168 · 25/04/2022 17:39

I get a token present. Which is fine by me. I prefer no gifts at all, but if they insist I refer them to a couple of charities I support.

Honestly, OP, why do you think so little of yourself that you find this acceptable?

I'd just say to her that as they will be fundraising for their little darling's trip, you think it's best to release them from the obligation of any presents this year and going forward, and as they know your finances have taken a hit, they appreciate that you'll be doing the same.

Womencanlift · 25/04/2022 17:40

OP @rookiemere ’s response is perfect.

This needs to be nipped in the bud now otherwise you will be paying for university tuition, his wedding, first house deposit and then the same all again for his kids!

If you are that close friends then having a frank conversation should be ok. Her reaction will tell you if you are a friend or an ATM

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 25/04/2022 17:40

Seriously no one can make you spend money you don’t want to! Why on earth are you buying loads of expensive presents when they give you nothing? How often do you see these people? Are you just a cash point to them or do they treat you as a friend? What do YOU get out of this? What is it you are buying with these gifts….?

Original poster
Pissedoffcat · 25/04/2022 17:44

@Whitney168 - in the early days I went off piste rather than rigidly stick to the list.
The item was returned with request I sort it out and provide the actual item requested.

It caused a lot of tension and hassle. And since then, I've just adhered by the list.
I did make another mistake one year and got pulled up on it. Over the variety of red wine I provided. 😾

OP posts:
Whitney168 · 25/04/2022 17:46

What is the outstanding value that this friend brings to your life that makes you allow her to treat you like this? It doesn't have to be monetary, but surely there has to be SOMETHING?

toomuchlaundry · 25/04/2022 17:51

This is no friend.

2bazookas · 25/04/2022 17:58

I'd just tot up you annual spend of friend +her kids presents ( ALL Bdays and xmass)
and send her a cheque for that amount with a note saying " This is for X's Scouts jamboree Fund, and as I'm on a budget I won't be able to give any of you any more presents this year".

There. she got what she wanted and asked for, but there's a price to pay for the jamboree and her and her kids are paying it. Hope she likes that.

After a year of NO MORE presents, you can just quietly back away from giving them expensive presents ever again. Everybody happy.

Original poster
Pissedoffcat · 25/04/2022 18:03

@Womencanlift- you make a similar point to my husband.
He has muttered for years about all I give but get little in return.

When I told him about the jamboree, he groaned, threw his hands up and said, this has to stop!
Hence why I posted on here, to see how I felt and how he felt was reasonable.
Sounds daft, I know, but I've been very loyal to her and she to me. It's just the greediness, as my husband calls it, that is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pissedoffcat · 25/04/2022 18:11

@2bazookas - that's also a good way to deal with it.
She can subtract what she wants, for others, and it's her decision then.

OP posts:
passport123 · 25/04/2022 18:22

Honestly, as the parent of a scout going to a jamboree it is not the done thing to insist that other people fund it. My daughter will be raising money however she can - babysitting, she's been selling her old clothes on FB, washing cars, bake sales etc - I'm very grateful to those who put work her way - I'm sure we'll do something sponsored but will be mainly for the grandparents and relatives who would want to contribute. The scout team says they aren't expecting a certain amount of £££ from each scout, they want to see effort put in - the exact phrase was 'we know that one scout might wash cars for a day and raise £25 and another might take a book of raffle tickets to his rich grandma and get £200 for five minutes work, it's the work that counts'.

RedHelenB · 25/04/2022 18:25

Say instead of a present you'll donate the equivalent cash for the trip instead?

SheilaWilde · 25/04/2022 18:27

Your 'friend' sounds very greedy and entitled. Returning presents and asking you to swap for something from the list? That's soo rude!! Why do you put up with it and not tell her to stop being so bloody rude? She sounds like Amanda from Motherhood. Do not find her son's jamboree! I'd sent the message that rookie posted. If she's a true friend she wouldn't sacrifice your friendship for the sake of money and expensive presents.

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