To ask how to punish 15 month old?

[NotTodaySatan6]

Hi all,

Punish seems like a harsh word I think I mean more discipline my DS.

He's 15 months old and if he's told no or if something is taken away from him he'll scream, bite, kick, slap, pull hair and just have a melt down and whilst I appreciate this is normal and he doesn't have emotional regulation yet I was wondering what's the best way is to go about it?

I'm 11 weeks pregnant and worried about his behaviour when the baby comes and as he gets bigger how much more he can hurt us - we'd never hit him back or anything like that but being firm is being met with more "violence" and it's getting me down. He doesn't do it with his daddy but he will with me and his grandma.

So far I've told him no firmly and he must not hurt mummy, I've tried distracting him, I've tried putting him down and walking away (which leads to banshee like screams) - I just don't know what else to do.

So please can someone offer advice the best way to tackle this?

Thank you

You don’t punish or discipline him, he’s too little and won’t understand.

Just take away whatever it is he shouldn’t have, or cuddle him tight so he doesn’t hit. Or if you can do so safely, leave him alone (within sight, just not right next to him) to calm down.

He will slowly start to learn that you won’t let the behaviour continue, but that’s more about habit than ‘discipline’ when they’re tiny.

It's just saying no and then endless repetition until proper learning kicks in at this age. Being proactive about their environment so that there are fewer conflicts in the first place is easier on you and him.

You don't punish or discipline 15 month olds. If that's your perspective maybe that's the problem.

His behaviour is communication, what are you currently communicating?

Why are banshee-like screams a problem if he's safe? How long do they last?

You carry on are you are doing. Say no, distract. Put him down and walk away if he hurts you. Try to anticipate triggers and avoid them if possible.

He will be a different child by the time the new baby is born - nearly twice his current age for a start. Your methods can evolve as he grows and his understanding grows but you'll be using "no, distract, avoid triggers" for a good while yet and its perfectly normal for it not to "work". He is a bundle of huge urges and uncontrolled emotions programmed to explore and test the world around him. That includes you.

I personally found the best way to calmly say 'no' and just move their hand away. If they do it again, move their hand away. Don't punish or raise your voice. Just one, simple, calm 'no' as many times as is necessary. Also, distraction, distraction, distraction. He is trying to get your attention and is getting it in the 'wrong' way - even a negative reaction to a small child is a reaction so they are still getting what they crave. Pick him up and say "okay, you and Mummy are going to read this book now", at which point you sit him down and read the book together.

It's HARD at times, especially when this tint person who you adore with every fibre of your being is lashing out at you. Don't take it personally - most tinies go through similar at some point.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

Just keep saying no and remove yourself from the situation. (Safely still being able to see him)
If he screams he screams he'll soon realise he gets no where from it.

It's a hard stage and you feel they are so against you but sometimes if they can't talk yet it's their frustrations for not be able to do so yet.

Distraction

And the word “punish” in your title is horrible 😢

Put him down somewhere safe and ignore the banshee screams. Go and put the kettle on for a cup of tea then start the distraction techniques.
Kicking screaming toddlers are normal OP. It takes them a long while to learn to control their emotions and to understand that other people feel pain too. It sounds like your doing the right things, don’t worry that it’s not an instant cure.

What is being taken away from him?

Who is telling him no and why?

We used to put DD1 in her play pen. She soon got distracted by the toys in there, she was safe, and I got some breathing space.

He’s too young to punish.
You say no, we never hit/push/bite etc in a firm voice.
You then distract by saying “let’s play with this toy” or “let’s go for a walk”
if you think he is angry because he’s hungry or tired, you’d say “would you like a snack” or “I think it’s nap time, let’s go read a story and take a nap”

You tell them no and then you move on quickly. You don’t turn it into a combat.

Put him down, ignore, walk away. Put up a baby gate to keep him in his room.

I don't know how normal it is, to be honest. Mine never hit or bit. That sounds quite shocking at that age. But hopefully he'll grow out of it so long as it doesn't net him attention.

Thank you for the replies everyone.

I didn't mean punish in my title it was a shameless word to get some traffic as I've become desperate with it, it feels relentless and today I cried and felt so overwhelmed and didn't know what to do hence my post.

I'm a ftm, never been around babies so didn't know what I was suppose to do. I know he's too little to understand hence the lashing out as they don't have the communication skills and I get that but I also didn't know how old you start putting discipline in place because If a one year old can hurt you then I don't want to know what an older child can do and kind of wanted to nip in the bud as soon as I could really.

The screaming is upsetting, it hurts my heart knowing he's that distressed but won't let me do anything to comfort him.

To answer PP we take things he shouldn't have like peoples phones, the remote, gaming controllers etc (usually we try and move things out of his reach but slack a bit eg phone on sofa etc) and I try to distract him with other things he can play with but he doesn't want to know.

But if I'm already doing the right things then I'll just persist with it and hopefully he calms down a little bit.

Ignore and distract. I also used to put DD in her cot or bedroom if she needed space to calm down

You can't and shouldn't punish a toddler. If their behaviour is dangerous to them or others they need to be removed from that situation into somewhere safe, without access to the whateveritis that they aren't allowed. If they can't understand that they aren't allowed the X that they want then they need to be sufficiently separated from X that they can't see or reach it, until such time as they are able to understand. Toddlers have tantrums, this is normal. Tolerating the banshee screams is and important part of good parenting so that they learn asap that banshee screams do not achieve appeasement. Distraction is fine because it really doesn't take much for X to be totally forgotten when something else happens.

Punish?! Discipline?! I think your approach sounds harsh

Better to focus on what you want him to do, not what you want him to stop doing. It's clearer. And easier to give praise. eg "I'd like you to sit quietly....... well done", rather than "stop shouting"

And stay calm and talk quietly, so he has to be quiet to hear you. Surprisingly effective

When he's a bit older, you could try an egg timer "when all the sand runs out, it'll be time to get our coats on"

Praise good behaviour. Ignore bad behaviour so far as possible

But most of all, remember he's only 15 months old! Behaviour is communications. If he's frustrated and can't verbalize that yet, he is likely to cry / lash out

You can't punish a baby.

Try reading (or listening to) How to Talk so Little Kids will listen - just saying "No" is likely to wind you both up in my experience. I also save firm/cross voice for very serious infractions - which tbh I don't think a child as young as yours can understand.

Look at it from baby's perspective : they want something and are being prevented from having it - they have a raw emotional reaction and your job is to help them work through it. No discipline or punishment needed, just help them through it with kindness.

DD (21 months) was hard around this age! Around 20 months maybe a bit before it improved a lot. The initial angry tantrums we were have have subsided since her communication has improved a bit, and whilst she still gets upset I'm quite surprised how often she accepts 'no' now or will yell at me to show me displeasure but move on or be distracted much more easily.

If she hits I say 'no, you mustn't hit mummy'. She understands enough to learn what you mustn't hit means, and he knows what no means. I say it in a normal voice and then move on, I don't take my voice or shout at her because I think the situation would be more inclined to blow up if I did.

Give them a Yes. So You can hit mummy here is a drum you can hit.

*can't hit mummy!

Ignore and distract. And a firm no. Hitting, kicking etc use your strength to gently but firmly stop it and move him away.

Yes he’s little but also believe in your natural authority as his mother.
yes it’s upsetting when they scream - of course he wants his own way but also he doesn’t know what best for him. Don’t explain too much as they don’t really understand.
if he behavior is bad a playgroup it’s ok to leave if he does it again.
Parenting toddlers can be hard. Give your self some credit.

Please read the update before saying I can't punish/discipline a baby. I am aware of that but as a ftm I wasn't sure when you started introducing discipline to a toddler hence my initial post but tbf in my initial post there was no indication of punishment as I was already doing as PP suggested.

I don't intend to shout at my son or ever be harsh with him but it is overwhelming hence asking for advice because my family are older and I don't agree with their methods so thank you for the posters who have given advice - it just seems I need to be more persistent and distract, distract, distract.

Janet Lansbury - No Bad Kids has lots of advice for respectful parenting of toddlers and dealing with hitting, etc.

This book and the others in the series are really useful with little ones. www.amazon.co.uk/Feet-are-Kicking-Works-Kids/dp/1575421585/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=2KVFQZ8LWSTKW&keywords=feet+are+not+for+kicking+book&qid=1650820508&sprefix=feet+are%2Caps%2C214&sr=8-1
Don't save them for when he has a tantrum. Have them as part of his regular books and read them often. Then for example, if he starts to kick, say firmly "No! feet are not for kicking. Kicking hurts" ( a quote from the book) and playfully remind him about what he can do with his feet from the book ( stamp dance kick a ball) etc. If he is too far into the tantrum to be redirected, just say the "Stop! kicking hurts" bit and move away.
Also, if you need him to give you something he shouldn't have, ask him to give it to you. If he doesn't respond immediately and as long as it isn't something dangerous, repeat your request and say I'm going to count to five then I will use my hands to take it from you. Carry this out and then take it if you need to. It gives him time to process what is happening and respond and, as you follow through on this a few times, he learns that you mean what you say.
Giving a warning that he can't have the item and that you will take it may be enough to stop his tantrum ( sometimes).
It is hard work and more time consuming to do it like this but I do think it helps avoid tantrums.