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Original poster

To ask how to punish 15 month old?

56 replies

NotTodaySatan6 · 24/04/2022 17:56

Hi all,

Punish seems like a harsh word I think I mean more discipline my DS.

He's 15 months old and if he's told no or if something is taken away from him he'll scream, bite, kick, slap, pull hair and just have a melt down and whilst I appreciate this is normal and he doesn't have emotional regulation yet I was wondering what's the best way is to go about it?

I'm 11 weeks pregnant and worried about his behaviour when the baby comes and as he gets bigger how much more he can hurt us - we'd never hit him back or anything like that but being firm is being met with more "violence" and it's getting me down. He doesn't do it with his daddy but he will with me and his grandma.

So far I've told him no firmly and he must not hurt mummy, I've tried distracting him, I've tried putting him down and walking away (which leads to banshee like screams) - I just don't know what else to do.

So please can someone offer advice the best way to tackle this?

Thank you

OP posts:
FelixMadrigal · 24/04/2022 18:29

Check out gentle parenting as a concept. Sarah Ockwell Smith is brilliant

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 24/04/2022 18:31

You just have to carry on as you are until he's older and has more understanding.

Like a pp I also had a playpen it was good to be able to put the baby in as well so the toddler couldn't get to him

Rosebel · 24/04/2022 18:32

Does his dad take things off him that he shouldn't have? If he does watch exactly what he's doing as you say he doesn't hit dad. If he doesn't then he needs to start, it shouldn't all be down to you.
Apart from that just say no. I often find if I ignore screaming from my toddler and start to play with his toys or read a book he'll calm down quickly. If I actively try to engage him by saying let's read a book or play with this toy he just screams more.
Maybe worth a try.

Thejoyfulstar · 24/04/2022 18:33

Janet Lansbury was game changer for me when my son was going through that phase. Look her up 🙂

hamdden12 · 24/04/2022 18:35

@NotTodaySatan6 don't listen to the replies on here and take them to heart. You've explained yourself and what you meant and people will just look for any excuse to have a go.

My 2 are older now (21&16) but I remember that age well and it's bloody hard and exhausting but it doesn't last forever.

Is there a reason he doesn't do it with his father? What does he do differently? I've got no useful advice but I really can understand and sympathise with you and see why you are worried when you are pregnant with your second child.

LittleOwl153 · 24/04/2022 18:36

You need to learn to ignore the waling banshees... he'll soon drop it if he doesn't get the attention he wants!

Topjoe19 · 24/04/2022 18:37

Sounds like he likes things with buttons etc he can press? (Remotes/phones/games controllers). Could you find an old remote control he could have/toy phone he can use & pretend to call on? Toys with lots of buttons? If you take something off him, give him something he can play with in return. It's very hard, the hitting must be upsetting. If he's hurt you, be firm with saying no hitting etc & then move on to something he can engage with. And give him a cuddle (even if you're upset).

3ormorecharacters · 24/04/2022 18:39

One thing that I find works well with my 16mo DD is to make things into a positive instruction rather than saying 'no' to things. So if she's opening kitchen cupboards and getting things out, I'll say 'can you shut the cupboard door?' and she does it much more willingly than if I just tell her to stop or try to physically stop her. Then I give her lots of praise for doing it and get her playing with something else. I think babies that age like following simple instructions and all children respond much better to positive interactions than negative.

bloodywhitecat · 24/04/2022 18:40

Just keep doing what you are doing, say 'No' calmly and distract/remove. At 15 months my little one was like your little one now, at just 2, if he finds the remote he looks at it then brings it to me to put out of the way. He also has his own, cheap remote from eBay that he can play with, ditto the house phone, he has an old one he can play with as the toy ones are nowhere near as much fun. I used to take mine and hand him his when he was that age.

TheFuckOffCar · 24/04/2022 18:42

You never let your child hit you, how is he able to hit you? Is he on your knee? If so, put him down, stand up and tell him calmly no hitting and hold him away from you, try to distract with something he might like and if that doesn’t work, I used to put mine in his playpen and go make a cup of tea for myself or put him in his bedroom. As long as they’re safe, totally blank them, don’t even look at them till they’ve calm down.
My Ds used to throw the most epic tantrums if he didn’t get what he wanted, there was usually no calming him and I usually had to resort to the playpen or bedroom till he calmed down.
Then they always want a cuddle when they’ve calmed down, they learn they can have nice cuddles when they behave nicely.

FourTeaFallOut · 24/04/2022 18:44

I'd really recommend Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green. I have three kids and it really does a great job of offering great advice to navigate the early years.

itsgettingweird · 24/04/2022 18:45

The op did say in her opening post she didn't mean punish but couldn't word what she meant.

Other than that OP what you're doing is fine. Remove items and walk away. He'll soon learn that negative behaviour won't get attention.

He's trying to communicate so alongside this use ways to help him by modelling the language and labelling the emotions.

They generally grow out of it quite quickly with firm boundaries and consistency.

Neverreturntoathread · 24/04/2022 18:51

You’re doing all the right things OP. It just doesn’t work straight away 🙈 but it is still much better than not doing it at all.

Keep an eye on the biting/hitting if he is doing it to YOU, it’s not unusual to attack other toddlers, but the only toddlers I knew who deliberately hurt their mums both turned out to have ADHD (affects impulse control). Just something to bear in mind as he ages in case you need to push for assessment later.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/04/2022 18:58

Another vote for Janet Lansbury. Absolutely life changing. She has a big bit on how to support children around the birth of a new sibling. Please find her on Facebook, or her podcast or get the book. You’ll find it immediately usable and very insightful.

girlfrombackthen · 24/04/2022 19:00

Yes, came here to say look at Janet Lansbury's blog/podcast "Unruffled". Specifically might be worth looking at "yes spaces".

godmum56 · 24/04/2022 19:04

No one has mentioned being less slack (your words I am not criticising) about putting things out of reach. it really has to get to be something you do without thought. Once you have two it will be harder if you don't and easier if you have the habit bedded in.

WTF475878237NC · 24/04/2022 19:31

Try reading (or listening to) How to Talk so Little Kids will listen - or even better the And How to Listen so They Will Talk

And the Book you Wish Your Parents had Read.

If you've never been around kids please don't just wing it. Learn and read up so you give them the very best you can.

MrsRinaDecker · 24/04/2022 19:35

I second the Janet Lansbury advice.. I’ve read some of her articles, and they seem really good about dealing with young kids in a gentle but effective way.

HollowTalk · 24/04/2022 19:38

You won't be having your baby for several months and the difference in him will be immense by then. Grit your teeth and hold on for the ride! Everything changes at that age.

Thejoyfulstar · 24/04/2022 19:44

Janet Lansbury's model is called RIE (respectful infant education, I think) and it starts from birth. It's far more than just behaviour management, it's also physical development and I like how it asserts the parent very much as the leader but within such a respectful framework. It really stands out to me as a superior model to a lot of the other parenting philosophies I've come across. Two things that she wrote about that I found interesting were that she doesn't believe in ignoring bad behaviour or distracting them as she feels that children need to experience going through the experience of the tantrum and coming out the other side, and the parent is often in the role of a helpful and supportive boss. It's a really interesting ethos that I find a lot of truth in and still refer to with child number 3.

Aimee1987 · 24/04/2022 19:44

DS was a nightmare for hitting at that age. We got a book saying hands are not fir hitting. When he started hitting we would just say kinds hand, we use kind hands with mummy.

And I would stand up. If he screamed he screamed. At that age you can tell the difference between I'm angry and I'm upset. One he stops shouting give him a cuddle and remind. We use kind hands with mummy.

They will grow out it but my God it is draining

Thejoyfulstar · 24/04/2022 19:45

Sorry for my awful grammar! It's been a long day.

KyieveMii · 24/04/2022 19:49

You cuddle them, distract and when calm
talk in the most simple language.
Talk about how good cuddles are, how lovely it is to be happy together and just turn away from the problem.
They get positive attention from this, seek it positively and get used to happy interaction. Say you are sad if they hit, then cuddle and says it makes you happy. Mainly just keep modelling loving behaviour and they learn to copy it. Let them let negative behaviour doesn’t get a reaction they want,

mathanxiety · 24/04/2022 20:10

You need to anticipate possible flashpoints and avoid them. Things you don't want him to touch must be kept out of his reach. Toddler proof your home or you will find you and DS in conflict all the time. He's too young to remember the remote is NoNo.

If he kicks or fights when you stop him from doing something, try telling him in a calm voice, 'Gentle hands/soft hands' while holding him gently but firmly. When he calms down, have a cuddle. He needs to know you still love him.

Do lots of gentle playing, role playing, especially letting toys say No to each other and responding OK.

Namechangestimes100 · 24/04/2022 20:20

in the case of hitting, pinching, smacking they are doing it because they have 0 impulse control and their emotions have just got the better of them for that moment (not necessarily ‘negative’ ones like anger but I found my girl sometimes gets excited and can accidentally hurt). Best thing is to say no, we use kind hands and then show them an example of kind hands. Our girl used to pinch faces so we said ‘no, we’re gentle with faces and then would stroke her face and say gentle with faces, gentle’ and then just be consistent. Now she’s got a baby brother (4 months) and he’s a bit grabby as they all are and she tells him ‘use kind hands’ ‘be gentle with mummy’s face’. So it does work just takes persistence.

tantrums…. Distract distract distract. We acknowledge all feelings are ok but all actions aren’t.