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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take DD away on her birthday against the wishes of her Dad

80 replies

oddsocks9 · 24/04/2022 16:52

I have a DD who will be 16. For a bit of background, me and her Dad separated when she was 4.

Her Dad has always had her 4 overnights and 2 dinners a month. He pays me 150 a month in maintenance. He has never paid for or contributed towards haircuts, school uniform, school trips, school lunches, basically anything she needs above the 150. He has never done dentist, doctors or helped with homework. He has taken her on holiday twice in 11 years. All of this aside, I have always had a fairly amicable relationship with him.

I work full time and have managed to save enough money to take DD to Disneyland (in the US). Her birthday falls during a school holiday and DD has said she would like to go so that we are out there when it is her actual birthday.

I have mentioned this to her Dad who has hit the roof and has said absolutely no way am I to take her away during that period as he wants to see her on her actual birthday.

DD does not seem fussed about seeing her Dad on her birthday, and said she would be fine to see him when we got back (which would be 3 days after her birthday).

AIBU if I was to take her?

OP posts:
FrippEnos · 24/04/2022 18:03

If the OP is being completely honest about DD saying that she wnats to go on her birthday then he IBU.

However if she put the suggestion there in the first place then SIBU.

ImTheFuckOffCar · 24/04/2022 18:06

I’d take her anyway. Wouldn’t hesitate.

Topseyt123 · 24/04/2022 18:06

He'd do far better to just wish her a lovely holiday and give her some spending money as his contribution to the gift instead of getting arsey. Stupid man.

It is DD's choice at that age, and he will do himself no favours with her if he just strops and throws his toys out of the pram.

StScholastica · 24/04/2022 18:07

Does the moron not realise that if he makes you cancel your plans, she will probably hate him forever?

Soontobe60 · 24/04/2022 18:11

If he has parental responsibility, you will need permission from him to take her out of the country. USA is extremely hot in this.
You all need to sit down together and discuss this. He needs to see that he’s being unreasonable and could damage the relationship with his DD. I totally understand his POV, but also your DDs. However, falling out over this is only going to hurt your DD.

Gymnopedie · 24/04/2022 18:30

AccommodatingAlice · 24/04/2022 17:39

I’m trying to imagine the replies if a DM came on here saying her ex was taking DC away just before their 16th Birthday, against her wishes, and she wouldn’t get to see them until 3 days later.

Well yes. IF the DF was the one looking after the DD almost full time and paying for nearly everything, while the DM hardly bothered seeing DD and contributed a measly amount of maintenance, THEN if the DM posted that her ex was taking DD away against her wishes, I'm fairly sure she too would get her arse handed to her on a plate.

But it's not usually that way round, is it?

WiddlinDiddlin · 24/04/2022 18:33

Can you organise the trip so you actually fly out ON her birthday.

That way, she gets an exciting birthday, he can't do a thing to stop it as she will be 16.

Then you can be pretty firm with him, making it clear he is not to bully her into changing her mind, and that if he tries to ruin an exciting birthday out of some selfish desire to see her THAT day (And of course he's welcome to come to the airport and wave her off with gifts etc), he's likely to lose ALL contact with her entirely!

Original poster
oddsocks9 · 24/04/2022 18:44

@WiddlinDiddlin Unfortunately DD's birthday is near the end of the school hols so that wouldn't be an option Sad

OP posts:
LowlandLucky · 24/04/2022 18:47

She can facetime him on her birthday. He just wants to spoil the holiday because he doesn't bother his arse to take her away and by you taking her to Disney it highlights his reluctance too take is Daughter on holiday. Have a great time and send him a postcard.

Sexnotgender · 24/04/2022 18:50

This is the exact type of shit my ex would pull. Fucking boring useless arseholes clinging on to any bit of your life they can control.

ignore him, enjoy your holiday.

Neverreturntoathread · 24/04/2022 18:57

Yanbu. He’s being controlling.

NoSquirrels · 24/04/2022 19:03

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. M

Tell him “It’s booked, DD wants to be there on her actual birthday and this is my treat to her. Feel free to take her away on holiday next year on her 17th birthday, I won’t object.”

Tell her “I’ve told your dad we’ll be away for your birthday. There’s no need to worry - it’s perfectly OK as you get older to find birthdays have to change a bit and get celebrated on different days.”

Then ignore any tantrums from him and reassure your DD as needed if he’s an arse.

RandomMess · 24/04/2022 19:05

🙄 what a controlling arse.

Agree with DD that she is happy for you to book it and once it's booked it can't be changed only cancelled.

What a miserable idiot your ex is.

CareBearsCare · 24/04/2022 19:11

AccommodatingAlice · 24/04/2022 17:39

I’m trying to imagine the replies if a DM came on here saying her ex was taking DC away just before their 16th Birthday, against her wishes, and she wouldn’t get to see them until 3 days later.

My kids have been with ex on their birthdays and not seen me but it helps that they were having a fantastic time doing something special.

There has also been times when ex couldn't see the kids on their birthday so he celebrated with them at the weekend instead.

It's called being an adult.

twopoes · 24/04/2022 19:20

oddsocks9 · 24/04/2022 17:05

For those wondering about the legal side of things. We were never married, he's on her birth certificate and there is no court order in place.

If he has PR then he could try and stop you. He could even try and have her stopped at the airport from travelling.

Maybe he wouldn't do that and he would screw up his relationship with his daughter but he could do it.

tillytown · 24/04/2022 20:06

Yanbu, he is just jealous that you are giving her a great birthday present so wants to destroy it to make you look bad. He is a bellend.

IncompleteSenten · 24/04/2022 20:11

AccommodatingAlice · 24/04/2022 17:39

I’m trying to imagine the replies if a DM came on here saying her ex was taking DC away just before their 16th Birthday, against her wishes, and she wouldn’t get to see them until 3 days later.

In this fantasy would the child be living with the father and only having visitation with the mother who contributes a pathetic £150 a month to her child's expenses?

CareBearsCare · 24/04/2022 20:17

I'd look into whether or not the rules are different if you travelled on her birthday or the day after. Somebody on here has the vindictive ex (mum) cancelling the child's passport in an attempt to derail the holiday.

Sometimeswinning · 24/04/2022 20:20

DD is quite passive and hates any kind of confrontation so I'm worried that if he keeps on at her it will eventually grind her down

Surely this is this issue. Between you and your husband you have put her in this position. She's going to be torn and you know it. Regardless of being financially crap, she obviously will feel bad for him. That's not fair.

Original poster
oddsocks9 · 24/04/2022 20:22

@Sometimeswinning It was DD's idea to go away for her birthday, not mine.

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 24/04/2022 20:29

@oddsocks9 sorry I just think you should have considered it more. Your concern is your daughter and how she feels. If you said she wants to go, nothing will stop her, I'd say fair play. You've not said that. You've said he'll grind her down and she may change her mind. She's not 100% obviously.

Don't let her make a choice that you know she will regret. I can't believe you would let your daughter get caught up in this.

picklemewalnuts · 24/04/2022 20:31

Back her up.

Basically her dad is being a dog in the manger arse. If you stay all civilised about this, you'll make his behaviour look less unreasonable and undermine her determination. Sometimes you have to call it what it is.

'I'm sorry your dad's being an arse about it. Ridiculous to suddenly make a fuss about your birthday this time, when we've made other plans. I'll tell him he can take you away for your seventeenth, if he'd like to!'

Original poster
oddsocks9 · 24/04/2022 20:34

@Sometimeswinning She does want to go. When I say her Dad might 'grind her down' I meant that he will go on about it non stop until she agrees to not go just to keep him quiet. He's not insisted on seeing her on any of her other 15 birthdays. This was the 100% her idea, I haven't let her 'get caught up' in anything Hmm

OP posts:
over2021 · 24/04/2022 20:38

I'm on the fence with this. If he'd offered to take her to the US for her birthday how would you feel being away from her over her birthday?

I wouldn't be ok with DH taking DD away over her birthday and we're still married!

Blossomtoes · 24/04/2022 20:40

oddsocks9 · 24/04/2022 20:34

@Sometimeswinning She does want to go. When I say her Dad might 'grind her down' I meant that he will go on about it non stop until she agrees to not go just to keep him quiet. He's not insisted on seeing her on any of her other 15 birthdays. This was the 100% her idea, I haven't let her 'get caught up' in anything Hmm

Just book it. Then it’s done and there will be no point in him talking about it any more.