Dd 13yrs old wants to meet online friend

[Ijustneedaminute]

My 13 yr old daughter wants to meet up with her online friend. I am glad she has asked us and that she feels she can be open with us but we live in the south west and this friend wants to meet in Brighton. I think it’s too far and too much money but my DH says we could make a weekend of it. Now I feel a bit mean because I actually don’t want to do it and think it’s going to be weird. I said to my daughter is there anywhere closer we could meet but she said the friend wants to go to Brighton. What should I do?!

Sorry, does the friend actually live in Brighton?
have you read the conversations between her and her friend?

I think you should all go and make a weekend of it like DH suggested

When I was younger, I made some friends via twitter orginally and then we all became really good friends. The first time I wanted to meet them in person, my parents came along too and we made a weekend of it. They got to meet my friends too (and saw with their own eyes they were who they said they were!) Then after that I would travel on my own to visit them. We're all still friends now over 10 years later!

Yup. Where does friend actually live?
Would the meet up be with friend's parent too initially?
Has your DD done live zoom calls so she really knows who the friend is?

I think making a weekend of it would be fine ,it will give you a chance to meet her friend and poss the parents too, find somewhere that you can meet up that your DD and friend can spend time together but with you close by , Bowling ally , cinema .
If your DD has a phone ( or lend her yours ) tell her to send a blank text to you / DH if she needs help / is uncomfortable with the situation.

She is going to want to start spreading her wings a bit and it is important that she knows that you will always be there for her what ever the circumstances so that in years to come she doesn't start sneaking out .

Who is this online friend? Do they chat in person, ie. Can they see each other when they talk? How did they meet?

Sorry to be the harbinger of doom (And I just fancied using the word harbinger), but I’m really cautious when someone online wants to meet. It could be totally innocent, but there are too many predAtors out there masquerading as teenage girls.

I'd take her to meet her friend, as long as their parents will be there too. At 13 I personally would want to accompany her for the first meeting.
Why does the friend get to choose the location though? It should be somewhere mutually convenient for both families.

How far is it from you? Coukd you all go by train? Could DH go & not you, doesn't require two parents surely?

where does the girl live?
seems a bit unfair she's calling the shits, but I can see why Brighton appeals to them though.

Bournemouth could be similar but closer to the OP. All depends where the other family are.

Hang on a second. At 13 how the hell does she have an 'online friend' she doesn't know?!?

How do you know its not a grown man of 45. No way would I think this is ok

Where is the safeguarding element of your post?

The person could be the age and name they gave - but that doesn't mean they're not a rapist. Teenagers use the internet to groom and abuse too, not just middle-aged men.

Normalising meeting up with strangers you've formed a false closeness to online is reckless and naive. At best.

Gross failure by those with responsibility for safeguarding her.

The first step would be to join a video call between the two of them, so you can see the friend is really also a child. How did they get to meet online? Your DD really shouldn’t be able to chat with strangers online at this age.

I have spidey senses about this particular set up, but doing this would give you some reassurance that the friend is who you think she is.

If and when you’re satisfied about that, you can discuss a meeting with her parents (again, being cautious that the people you’re put in touch with actually are her parents). I’d be suggesting a half-way meet between both locations.

Thanks for your replies everyone. They have video called, I have said a quick hi, how are you. Feeling slightly more zen than when I posted this directly after argument with DH! So I have the dads email and I’ve emailed him to say Brighton is quite far, told him roughly where we live and is there anywhere halfway we could meet. Thanks for the bowling idea that is a good one. I think traipsing to Brighton was stressing me out also we are skint at the mo and also I can be a harbinger of doom at times too. Plus points, glad we have a good relationship where she can ask this, I never would’ve dared ask my parents.

Horrifying, isn't it?

Tell your child that if you have a Video call with the other child and the guardian of the child and arrange details with the online friends guardian then fine. Be wary though anyone can pretend to be a parent/guardian

I think both of you are being reasonable. You could make a weekend of it for them to meet in person with both sets of parents present and there is nothing wrong with wanting to meet closer to your home than Brighton. Start a conversation via your DD or get the DDs friend to send parents info so you can discuss with the other parents directly.

Also, there is nothing wrong with a 13yo having an online friend. Ignore those calling you irresponsible. You’re showing your daughter how to be safe online and keeping her safe by being present at any in person meetings instead of simply banning it with the idea that she will be magically able to navigate things the day she turns 18.

How do you know that the person on the other end of the email is the father? Did he appear on the video call?

Otherwise, you could be arranging to meet with a child whose parents are unaware.

There are real safeguarding issues here, not only for your child, and you could be opening yourselves up to accusations of wrongdoing too, if the child’s parents aren’t actually aware.

My sister went to Paris at 13yo to stay with her penpal and penpal came to us. Is that so different? Yes, actually because she went alone! The mind boggles now.

I think if you're all going it's fine. Yes it could be a 45 yo man, but if the parents are going too you'll soon know.

As for a teenager grooming other teens, that can happen at school. Every friend was a stranger once. All we can do is take sensible precautions and teach DC to know what to do if they're uncomfortable. This DD has gone straight to parents with the request, which is a very good thing. I'd reward her with a family trip to Brighton (unless you can negotiate somewhere nearer).

If it is dodgy, it won't happen once the friend realises parents will be there.

Aside from all the obvious stuff, why is your DH suggesting a weekend away for you all to accommodate this meeting? Different if finances weren't an option but if you are skint then why did he even suggest this option?

You just bought a one way ticket to assumption town! 🤣

Also, there is nothing wrong with a 13yo having an online friend. Ignore those calling you irresponsible.

Seen it all now.

A good opportunity to go through the basics of household budgeting with your DC!

Admittedly she may well then make teen-type suggestions such as dropping your pension contribs, not paying house insurance or ceasing to save for her future (because she will magically have a fabulous career and be super rich anyway) but pretty much all of this kind of crap you can counter with,
"Well, Jennifer was burgled / got ill and had to retire early / had her parents go bankrupt and had only her degree to rely on, what special reasons exist that mean it could never happen to us? We're not THAT different and special"

You could cost out the trip and take a chunk of her pocket money to pay for some of it 😈
And, make a chore schedule so she can compensate for the loss of YOUR free time!

I am not 100% serious about the above btw, doing that for real would be a bit disfunctional TBH! but, a discussion of what the time and money costs are wouldn't go amiss. She should appreciate that you are people in your own right, not merely Daughter Support Staff.

thank you @crackingreward I kind of knew what I was getting in to posting on here, but just wanted some support with it. Obviously we will video call with her family after initial communications have begun, won’t leave her unattended if we do meet etc not sure who’s kids don’t have online friends or how old their kids are but she’s in yr 9 and it seems to be quite a common thing these days x

Why is an online friend bad? This all sounds innocent and the parents aren't sending her off alone.