Dd 13yrs old wants to meet online friend

[Ijustneedaminute]

My 13 yr old daughter wants to meet up with her online friend. I am glad she has asked us and that she feels she can be open with us but we live in the south west and this friend wants to meet in Brighton. I think it’s too far and too much money but my DH says we could make a weekend of it. Now I feel a bit mean because I actually don’t want to do it and think it’s going to be weird. I said to my daughter is there anywhere closer we could meet but she said the friend wants to go to Brighton. What should I do?!

Can you tell us how your 13yo has an online friend? On which platform?

Yes

And hell would freeze over before this happened.

I think the approach I would take is to explain that it's a long way and quite expensive so if it's really important to her, you will do it but it will take some time to arrange and save up for and may have some consequences- e.g. it may mean you can't do your usual holiday or whatever. And then I would quietly hope she changes her mind before it happens...

The problem is how she came to meet someone online in the first place. It's all good and well saying you will take x/y/z steps to ensure she is safe now, but what about other people she meets online? She shouldn't be able to get in contact with strangers, at least not without supervision. How do you know she isn't t talking to all sorts? You need to look into how to protect your daughter online, before it gets to this stage because the next person might not be the friend she has met now, they might be a danger to her and children are easily groomed.

It horrified me that a 13 year old could get to the point your is at without adult intervention

This is pretty brutal on here…It is a Minecraft server on Dischord…unleash the hounds!

By the way at no point have I said that she has had no adult supervision or that I don’t know who she is talking to online, a lot of assumptions being made here.

I've never heard such nonsense.
13 years old FFS
Why are you even contemplating this.

I don’t get all the online friend is bad stuff. I met friends online when I was 13 in person. My parents spoke to their parents and we met and had a great weekend! 20 years later we still speak. All of my closest friends I met online (who I see regularly in person now too). Not everyone online is weird or a predator. It’s great that she’s asked you.

I agree with you OP. You are providing adult supervision. Your child knows to talk to you about anyone they meet online and to never meet up without you present. I’m sure you’ve also taught them other online safety like not sharing address, school name, full name, send any photos of themselves, etc etc. That is in fact safeguarding. I think you are doing well as in she did come to you as you taught her to which shows she is responsible and handling making online friends safely.

Blimey OP is getting some stick for her DD having online friends - it happens in this day and age. What is important is that DD is open, honest and OP is aware of what is going on.

DD made friends online as they were fans of the same band, and others who were fans of YouTubers. The first time she met people, I would go with her... I would take her to the concerts and the YouTuber meet and greets and she would meet up with these online friends.

No harm whatsoever when everyone is being open and honest. Parents who ban it all are going to end up pushing their children to be sneaky about things and at more risk.

OP has seen this child and the parent on FaceTime (or whatever) and can see things appear above board. She is also not sending her DD off to meet people on her own based on that.

I had penpals when I was a kid - it's no different really, no different from all us on here chatting... we just have to accept this is part of life for our DCs and set ground rules so we can keep an eye and teach them to be sensible.

2 words. Breck Bednar.
His mum 'checked' him and the bloke who murdered him out'.
Stop being so 'cool' and just say NO.

You seem angry @maras2 I don’t remember saying I was cool or wanting to be cool. What we champion in our house is open dialogue and respect, if your children live under a dictatorship you will be out of the loop faster than you can say Breck Badnar.

My daughters are older than yours OP. Both have made several online friends over the years, and it always turned out well when they met up. I always counselled them on safety and to make sure they knew that their friend was who they said they were. They always spoke to them via video calls, so the latter was less in doubt.

The first time they met up in real life, we would go with them to check things out. My youngest, now 16, has been to stay for a couple of days with two girls her age that she met online within the past year. We've met the parents of each and have no concerns about them.

For one we have combined dropping her off with a day out for ourselves a couple of times and the other (several 100 miles away) with a weekend away and a work trip for DH.

I was very cautious at first but I now see it as a good way to make friends away from home / school etc. My kids knew their online friends quite well before they met up. I think its unrealistic to think teens won't make connections in this way. It's up to parents to make sure their child is safe and to decide whether or not to facilitate any meeting up.

Bonkers. It is so so easy for someone online to pretend to be someone they aren't, to pretend to have the same hobbies and interests etc purely by doing their research. Encourage your child to make friends in real life and be brave enough to say no to daft ideas of travelling halfway across the country to meet total strangers.

Don't worry - you're not the only one. DD15 also has an online friend made via Minecraft/Discord, and I think that started when she was 13. I don't know about your DD, but mine is very sensible. She's always been open with us about the friendship, tells us what they talk about, and understands that she has no guarantee that the other girl is who she says she is. I guess we're lucky that they are in different countries, so they know that meeting up is not likely to be an option anyway. They've not swapped personal details, and refer to each other by their screen names.

DD has had the lectures from us, we've had the lectures from other people, but actually, I think DD is taking all the right precautions, and I'm not worried.

I think it's great she going to meet her friend with the right support. There seem to be a lot of doom mongers on here. Personally I met my DH on line - long before there were websites and people had email addresses. Still together 27+ years later and we have 2 DCs in their twenties. He was 18 and I was 10 years older - no idea what his parents thought once they found out.

I wouldn't be agreeing to this. Not because I'm horrified at online friendships, or I think it's irresponsible, but I just couldn't be arsed traipsing across the country for something like this.

I would say no, keep to an online friendship, and revisit when they are older

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time, it's not like you are considering waving your kid off unsupervised to a paedo den.

If you do decide to do it, as long as you've video called the family and everyone is the age they say they are etc and parents are fine with it, then I don't see a problem as long as the kids aren't going to be doing it alone.

Just do make sure you go with her.
At 14 I told my mum I'm going to stay with my friend for a couple of nights (we'll known close friend who lived a couple of streets away), my friend told her mum she'll be staying with me, in my place.
We then hitchiked (! ) to a music festival we didn't even have tickets for and wandered around alone, drunk and starving for two nights. Then hitchiked back whilst falling asleep in stranger's cars.
Glad I'm alive to tell the tale.

My kids have made online friends for whom we have enabled meetings through family weekends away. Very positive experiences for all involved. It's not something to shy away from if done properly.

Could, you DH and DD meet up for lunch with 'online friend' and their parents? See how the land lies and take it from there.

And Brighton is a great place for a weekend break

...and it’s a no from me.

I was going to say about Breck Bednar too.
Bloody hell this is sooooooo different from pen pals back in the day. Just no.

There is a bit of hysteria on this thread. The 13 y/o isn't going off alone to meet this friend. Her parents will be there, and probably theirs. It's a public place, not their private home. What exactly do you all think will happen, even if the friend turns out to be dodgy? He'd walk off as soon as he saw the adults anyway.

This is hugely outing but my DD just did the exact same. The odd thing in that is that we are in Brighton and the friend is 13.

I was very dubious initially but the girls chatted for about 8 months and it was a real boost to my DD.

The girl and her family came down to Brighton recently and it was lovely. Obviously us parents met on the first meeting to be certain all was as expected.

The two girls share a fairly niche interest so it's been great in the sense that it's shown DD that there is more life out there for her.

As a teen I had various pen pals which I got through some sort of agency and I met up with two of them over the years so it's not so different.

Honestly if you knew me you wouldnt think I was a slack parent at all!