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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask him to keep DD?

70 replies

Coolcreature · 23/04/2022 15:01

I've changed some details here.

DD5 went to her dad's yesterday. His girlfriend has tested positive for Covid girlfriend is very involved with DD so lots of close contact.

I've suggested he keep DD, and we wait it out. If on day 5 DD is testing negative, then he take DD to school and then ill pick her up and she will come home. This is also the advice from 119.

His reason for wanting her to come home tomorrow as normal is that he will get "stressed" and that DD will have to watch her brother and sister go home. (That's their mums choice, none of my business)

Im extremely vulnerable and was a shielder. I've had pneumonia, a heart attack and have high blood pressure. I've also got numerous mental health disorders which have lead to me being hospitalised in a psych ward.

So me catching it would be horrendous in all ways. And I am the sole parent of another child.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Coolcreature · 23/04/2022 17:54

Bump?

OP posts:

bloodywhitecat · 23/04/2022 17:56

In this case I don't think you are being unreasonable. I wish you well and hope you stay covid free.

worraliberty · 23/04/2022 17:59

Does she not attend school at all?

If she does, she'll be surrounded by possible Covid cases every day from Monday to Friday.

JustLyra · 23/04/2022 17:59

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

TibetanTerrah · 23/04/2022 17:59

I love that him being stressed is more important than you risking your health...

JustLyra · 23/04/2022 18:00

You will get people saying she’s around possible cases all the time.

That is different, IMO, to a confirmed case. Especially if she’s been hugging/in close contact with that case.

when you have someone vulnerable in the house risk has to be managed (we have to do it with our youngest - very very vulnerable, but her siblings have to go to school for their sake)

AllOfUsAreDead · 23/04/2022 18:02

The poor dear will just have to be stressed then won't he? I'm sure he will pass on all duties to his girlfriend anyway, so it's not like he'll actually have to do anything.

Ponderingwindow · 23/04/2022 18:06

Spending a few extra days with Dad is not going to harm her on any way and greatly reduces the risk of her mother contracting a serious illness. It’s a simple solution.

He will just have to cope with the parenting curveball. They happen constantly.

Original poster

Coolcreature · 23/04/2022 19:17

Yes she does attend school. Although this is a covid positive person who has been doing all the care for DD. Baths, bedtime, playing, meal times, etc.

My boyfriend is due to have a major operation very soon and will be moving in with me as he will be bed bound. If my bf were to get it, his respiratory consultant has said it could lead to very serious outcomes, like needing a transplant.

I do everything for our child im the one who actually parents. He just turns up on a weekend for the fun part.

Im just asking him to have her an extra 2 days.

The consequences of me catching covid will not be pretty. The fast he's risking hospitalised her mum just so he doesn't have to do 2 extra days. I'm fuming

OP posts:

MumW · 23/04/2022 19:33

Have you pointed out that he'll have to look after her for a hell of a lot longer if you get covid and are too ill to care for her?

Mustardmusings · 23/04/2022 19:47

I haven’t heard of covid leading to a lung transplant before 🤔

what does your daughter think? My DC would probably be quite stressed by a change in plan. Just to reassure you that post vaccination and with the mutated variants it’s still very unlikely that you would need hospital treatment. Though it’s miserable being poorly at home too. I don’t think YABU but I don’t think he is either.

SpidersareTapdancing · 23/04/2022 19:57

@Mustardmusings I work in theatres and we have done lung transplants for Covid patients obviously they've recovered from the initial infection but the damage is insane

Moochio · 23/04/2022 20:08

Although this is a covid positive person who has been doing all the care for DD. Baths, bedtime, playing, meal times, etc. is the girlfriend living there? Why on earth is she doing so much?! Is she being paid?

Isitcake · 23/04/2022 20:17

I think yabu. Sorry but she could have easily have picked it up from school at any time in the last couple of years and she would have been around you for days before you knew about it.

All of you could have had it asymptomatically anyway.

If gf has only just tested positive she could be contagious for days or weeks not just 5 days.

You cannot choose your bf over DD someone else will have to care for him.

You have no idea how you will be affected if you catch covid. But if you were as worried as you say you would have taken DD out of school and homeschooled her.

HollowTalk · 23/04/2022 20:18

Are you fully vaccinated?

Original poster

Coolcreature · 23/04/2022 20:22

I did home school for a lot longer than everyone else did.

And yes he would have to have DD if I got seriously unwell which is likely. Unfortunately I have many severe medical issues. Which would mean he would have to cancel his next 4 week work trip.

I do everything. I'm glad to see the majority are in agreement. I'm hoping he will at least agree to have her until Monday so I have a change to get in contact with medical teams and children's services.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 23/04/2022 20:23

Isitcake · 23/04/2022 20:17

I think yabu. Sorry but she could have easily have picked it up from school at any time in the last couple of years and she would have been around you for days before you knew about it.

All of you could have had it asymptomatically anyway.

If gf has only just tested positive she could be contagious for days or weeks not just 5 days.

You cannot choose your bf over DD someone else will have to care for him.

You have no idea how you will be affected if you catch covid. But if you were as worried as you say you would have taken DD out of school and homeschooled her.

Agree with this, what will you do if she tests positive at any other time, or what would you have done had she tested positive while with you?

Shiningstarr · 23/04/2022 20:26

I think yabu. Are you fully vaccinated? She could catch it any time from school, and bring it home to you. Covid is rife in schools at the moment. Surely if you were that worried you would not be sending her to school?

VeganGod · 23/04/2022 20:39

YANBU. Yes, she could get it any time from school, but this is a known time she’s had very close contact with a positive person, so in your circumstances, why not minimise any risk to you. And he is her dad.

I would be a bit concerned for your boyfriend moving in when covid will be such a risk to him and presumably your child will be with you and going to school. There’s going to be lots of cases in school, your daughter is reasonably likely to bring it home to him.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 23/04/2022 20:39

Yabu dh shared my bed but still didn’t get it. There’s no need to live like this and the emotional damage to Dd needs to be considered. I’d keep things as normal. If she’s in school she’ll likely have had close contact.

JustLyra · 23/04/2022 20:42

So many people just don’t get it.

yes the OP would have to deal with it if her child came into contact with it at school or any other place. She’d have to deal with it if she didn’t know (that’s something those of us with extremely vulnerable people have to live with the balance of every day).

However, in this circumstance the child’s father can protect the OP on this occasion, but doesn’t want too because it’ll be stressful for him.

so the whole whataboutery of other scenarios is needless. The man can do it, he just doesn’t want too. The OP is absolutely right in not just rolling over.

he’s not said “But it’s not good for DD”, he’s not said “But I can’t because of work”. He’s merely moaning because it’ll be inconvenient.

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 23/04/2022 20:46

Hm. I don’t know anyone who has actually tested negative on day 5. Everyone I know who has had it recently (we are in Scotland) has done the full ten day stretch.

i don’t think you’re unreasonable but i am wondering what will happen if she brings it home from school when your boyfriend is recovering.

Original poster

Coolcreature · 23/04/2022 20:46

@JustLyra exactly this. He has the option but is actively choosing to send her back potentially with covid, when he knows how ill it could make me. His only excuse is he will get stressed.

OP posts:

PotterLottery · 23/04/2022 20:47

Why do you have to get in contact with children's services and medical teams? It all sounds just a little bit dramatic

Although I do think he should have her.

LtJudyHopps · 23/04/2022 20:48

Surely it’s better she comes home straight away to reduce her contact with the girlfriend? If she stays there until Monday she’s more likely to be incubating it and bring it home? That’s my theory any way.

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