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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to keep DD?

70 replies

Coolcreature · 23/04/2022 15:01

I've changed some details here.

DD5 went to her dad's yesterday. His girlfriend has tested positive for Covid girlfriend is very involved with DD so lots of close contact.

I've suggested he keep DD, and we wait it out. If on day 5 DD is testing negative, then he take DD to school and then ill pick her up and she will come home. This is also the advice from 119.

His reason for wanting her to come home tomorrow as normal is that he will get "stressed" and that DD will have to watch her brother and sister go home. (That's their mums choice, none of my business)

Im extremely vulnerable and was a shielder. I've had pneumonia, a heart attack and have high blood pressure. I've also got numerous mental health disorders which have lead to me being hospitalised in a psych ward.

So me catching it would be horrendous in all ways. And I am the sole parent of another child.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 23/04/2022 21:12

Coolcreature · 23/04/2022 20:46

@JustLyra exactly this. He has the option but is actively choosing to send her back potentially with covid, when he knows how ill it could make me. His only excuse is he will get stressed.

This is your child! You can’t turf her out of the house every time she is unwell in case it makes you unwell.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/04/2022 21:30

would making him think about consequences if you do get it make a difference? So reminding him that if you are unwell he will have to have DD.

sorry you are in this position.

I think your boyfriend needs a back up plan unfortunately.

Christmas6574347 · 23/04/2022 21:30

You are not being unreasonable at all. Anyone who understands what CEV / shielding means should understand that. For the sake of two days you dramatically reduce the risk. And if it’s that upsetting for the child to spend two more days with their father then this is a bigger problem than a tiny change to their schedule.

Ignore the normal MN crowd who come on to tell everyone that covid is over and sensible risk management is “living in fear 😱😱😱😱😱”. They wouldn’t be volunteering to care for your child if you have to go into hospital.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/04/2022 21:31

No, YANBU.

GlitteryGreen · 23/04/2022 21:32

JustLyra · 23/04/2022 18:00

You will get people saying she’s around possible cases all the time.

That is different, IMO, to a confirmed case. Especially if she’s been hugging/in close contact with that case.

when you have someone vulnerable in the house risk has to be managed (we have to do it with our youngest - very very vulnerable, but her siblings have to go to school for their sake)

Agree completely.

She has been in very close contact with a confirmed case, and you are vulnerable. He needs to keep her.

Moomeh · 23/04/2022 21:39

I might have missed this but has dd taken a test? If she is testing negative then I would bring her home to minimise her exposure so she's less likely to catch it.

I agree with pp that you can't prioritise your bf over your dd.

If you are triple vaccinated you are less likely to catch it as well as less likely to be severe. The new variants are much, much milder than the original covid.

On balance I think yabu

PrincessPaws · 23/04/2022 22:22

This is your child! You can’t turf her out of the house every time she is unwell in case it makes you unwell.

But OP Isn't 'turfing her out'? She has literally asked that she stay with her father for a few more days to minimise the risk of her getting sick

MichelleScarn · 23/04/2022 22:32

Am assuming op is then not leaving the house at all and insisting her dp tests and isolates for is it 10 days before he comes to stay?

GlitteryGreen · 23/04/2022 23:05

I can't understand some of these comments here...DD is with her father? It's not like she was visiting a friend or even grandparents and OP is asking that she isn't returned home. Both parents are equally responsible for caring for her, he should not have a problem keeping his daughter for a couple of extra days, given his ex's health conditions. It is very selfish of him to out himself not feeling stressed - due to looking after his own child for 2 extra days 😕 - over what could be serious health implications for OP.

Also think it's unfair to say OP shouldn't 'prioritise her bf over DD'...it's potentially a danger to his life vs a child spending 2 extra days with her dad??

He is a father, what OP is asking should not be an issue for him.

Doveyouknow · 23/04/2022 23:28

It's a sensible precaution and it's 2 extra days with her dad, I don't see the problem. And for those who are worried about routine, I note her dad will be away for 4 weeks which no doubt will mess up the contact schedule but no one seems worried about that.

Pinklady245612 · 24/04/2022 07:20

Yanbu to ask him to keep her, however I would wonder if it's safer to get her back sooner to limit their contact? If she is negative on day 5 that doesn't mean she couldn't be incubating it at that time and still bringing it home. Especially if the girlfriend does a lot of the care and her dad is 'stressed' they will probably still spend plenty of time together.

BadNomad · 24/04/2022 07:32

Imagine how stressed he will be if you die and he has to look after his own children full-time.

ChoiceMummy · 24/04/2022 09:49

Morally, yanbu.
Legally, no he's not being unreasonable.
I'm cev and a shielder. I would say that it took me 4.5 days to get a positive test after being around my young son, so I personally think that for you to have any gain, he'd need to be keeping her realistically for the next 2 weeks. And he's not going to do that, so you'd be better off planning how to reduce risks of contracting it in your home.
Certainly, your bf needs to stay away, you need to make sure there's sufficient ventilation etc. Currently the advice is until positive life carries on for children at school then 5 days off if positive is purely advisory.

TheBestSimply · 24/04/2022 10:00

It's a difficult one.

I wouldn't care so much about my ex feeling stressed but I'd find it hard to refuse my child home if they were upset and wanted to come back to me.

Will your DD mind staying with her day for what could potentially be nearly 2 weeks?

I'd really struggle to say no to my son if he wanted to be with me.

TheBestSimply · 24/04/2022 10:02

It does make me wonder though what the responses would be if a dad refused his contact with his child because they'd tested positive whilst with their mum. In fact we've seen those types of threads throughout Covid and the vast vast majority of replies have been that it would be unreasonable because he can't just choose not to parent his child when they are sick so... 🤷‍♀️

dondon23 · 24/04/2022 10:31

I think you're both being unreasonable....
He needs to man up - god forbid he ever had to be a full time parent 🙄
I'm assuming you've been vaccinated in which case, yes you may be poorly with COVID but it's likely you would have flu like symptoms and wouldn't need to be hospitalised. I think with the conditions you've mentioned, your mental health could be playing a bigger part in this and causing you to stress more than you need to.

Only my opinion but we've all been protected for so long, I think we need to start building up our immune systems again..... I know so many people who are coming down with colds, sickness, diarrhoea, sinus issues etc since they stopped wearing masks.

ChoiceMummy · 24/04/2022 11:53

dondon23 · 24/04/2022 10:31

I think you're both being unreasonable....
He needs to man up - god forbid he ever had to be a full time parent 🙄
I'm assuming you've been vaccinated in which case, yes you may be poorly with COVID but it's likely you would have flu like symptoms and wouldn't need to be hospitalised. I think with the conditions you've mentioned, your mental health could be playing a bigger part in this and causing you to stress more than you need to.

Only my opinion but we've all been protected for so long, I think we need to start building up our immune systems again..... I know so many people who are coming down with colds, sickness, diarrhoea, sinus issues etc since they stopped wearing masks.

I think that it's incredibly rude to say to someone who was on the shielding list they need to be buikding up their immunity!

Obviously said by someone who didn't shield. It's not that simple when you've been conditioned to believe that you'll end up on a ventilator, needing organ donation etc.

Fwiw @Coolcreature i was rough for about 4.5 weeks, but even with my hospital admission history, did manage to be at home, with the correct medication. Though my consultant did say afterwards, that ironically it's those not as at risk as us, who tend to be the ones presenting themselves in hospital and not willing to self manage. So hopefully if it happens, which tbh, it seems inevitable with primary aged children.
Have you vaccinated your child?

TabithaTittlemouse · 24/04/2022 12:00

He sounds selfish.

dondon23 · 24/04/2022 15:45

@ChoiceMummy thanks for your opinion and I'm sorry you feel it was rude.
I was also on the shielding list due to an immunodeficiency disease and it took me a long time, a lot of reasoning with myself and discussions with my consultant before I even considered starting to leave the house and try and lead a normal life so don't for one minute think that my comments come from someone who has no comprehension of how the OP feels.

whitewashing · 24/04/2022 16:31

Has your DD been tested? Have I missed where she’s positive?

Original poster
Coolcreature · 24/04/2022 17:05

I'd not turfing her out, she's been begging for extra time with her dad.

He has agreed to have her an extra day so that I have time to call the professionals I need to, im fairly confident that when he hears from one in particular he will about turn and agree to have her.

He can easily have her, he just prefers to do the absolute minimum.

OP posts:
whitewashing · 24/04/2022 17:14

Is your DD positive? Does she actually have Covid?

Original poster
Coolcreature · 24/04/2022 17:26

Its too early to know either way. So I'm asking to wait until the day 3 and 4 lft

OP posts:
Original poster
Coolcreature · 24/04/2022 17:31

TabithaTittlemouse · 24/04/2022 12:00

He sounds selfish.

This is it exactly. It comes down to this every time.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 24/04/2022 17:38

Ok first things first, if you’ve been vaccinated then the outcomes for COVID patients, even those with underlying conditions are far better than they were in the beginning of the pandemic.

The vast majority of patients ending up in ICU or worse because of COVID haven’t been vaccinated.

I am vulnerable, was told in no uncertain terms that if I caught COVID I would be unlikely to survive. I am currently recovering from COVID and although it’s been bloody unpleasant the outcomes are nowhere near what they would have been two years ago.

Secondly, if you need to get professionals involved etc then wouldn’t it be better for your DD to live with your BF permanently if she’s such a risk to you?

And lastly, if DD is living there, then IMO I wouldn’t be expecting her to compromise for the fact you’re moving in someone else who currently doesn’t actually live there.

Fact is the GF tested positive at the time she was there. Had she tested positive a day later your DD would have been back with you by then.

And no, I wouldn’t be moving the BF in. Sorry but I just wouldn’t. It’s not fair on your DD for her life to be curtailed to accommodate the vulnerabilities of someone who doesn’t even live there ATM.