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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was she implying that I'm not feeding my child? Is my DD too skinny?

70 replies

About10cupsofteaperday · 23/04/2022 12:17

I met up with a relative who I hadn't seen for quite a while yesterday, we went for lunch and I took my toddler DD with me. She's about to turn 3.

Said relative called me today to check in and say it was nice to see us etc, then she said "I thought DD would be a bit fatter than she is. Are you doing OK for food? We all feel the pinch sometimes, you would tell me if you weren't OK for food wouldn't you"

Bit of a backstory, this relative has what you'd call "no filter" and a history of putting her foot in it, so to speak, so I take much of what she says with a pinch of salt but this has really upset me.

DD eats well and is a very active healthy child. Nobody else has ever implied that she's underweight.

I'll attach a recent picture (I've NC for that purpose) do you think she's too skinny?

So my AIBU's are:

AIBU to have taken offence at this comment and AIBU to think she's implying that I don't feed my child?!

Was she implying that I'm not feeding my child? Is my DD too skinny?
OP posts:
17caterpillars1mouse · 23/04/2022 12:18

Nope, she looks average sized to me

ClemDanFango · 23/04/2022 12:19

She looks fine in that pic to me. Your relative is batshit and rude.

Nsky62 · 23/04/2022 12:20

Perfectly fine

heartofgrass · 23/04/2022 12:21

She looks perfectly healthy. Blimey what an over reaction on her part!

Did you eat a proper lunch while with her? I'm wondering if it was a reaction to you saying "oh I'll just share a starter with DD we aren't hungry.." or something like that that made her concerned about money ?

Discovereads · 23/04/2022 12:21

She’s fine, not skinny at all. Your relative sounds like she may be on the spectrum if she has no filter and has a life long history of saying the wrong thing despite good intentions.

Greatoutdoors · 23/04/2022 12:21

She looks fine to me. I think as a nation we’re getting used to seeing tubby toys and our idea of what is ‘normal’ is getting distorted. Your DD looks perfectly healthy in that picture.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 23/04/2022 12:21

Your child definitely isn’t too skinny and doesn’t seem particularly skinny to me either. She looks normal.
I think as a society we have lost sight of what ‘healthy’ children should look due to the number of overweight children.
That might explain why your relative may think she’s too skinny. Only you though can say whether this is coming from a good place or whether she was being judgemental.
you say she has no filter so I’d just try forgot about it and move on

FusionChefGeoff · 23/04/2022 12:21

I don't think it's about how big your child is necessarily- do you feed her regular meals and she eats until she's full? Do you feed her if she says she's hungry?

I'd focus on the fact that her appetite is satisfied. As long as it is, it doesn't really matter what size she is as her body will make sure she's exactly right for her Smile

Greatoutdoors · 23/04/2022 12:22

*tots

Lou98 · 23/04/2022 12:22

She looks perfectly healthy to me.

Your relative was rude although it does sound like it was meant from a good place rather than to insult you

avocadotofu · 23/04/2022 12:22

I have a three year old too and she doesn't look skinny to me. She looks normal.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2022 12:23

Your relative is a shit-stirring nutter. My official diagnosis. Your child is perfectly fine and anyone with eyes can see that.

I have an aunt like this. Forever saying absolutely absurd shit just to rile people up, make them feel insecure, and to make herself the centre of attention. Ignore.

WhatsitWiggle · 23/04/2022 12:26

She doesn't look underweight to me from that photo. Looking at her legs, fingers and jawline.

You know this relative talks pish, so rise above it. You could tell her that childhood obesity is not something to aspire to.

GlamGiraffe · 23/04/2022 12:28

If she is 'skinny' my dd would be considered at death's door (shes not).
I was expecting to see a picture of a micro child like my dd. Yours looks completely healthy and normal sized. You relative is clearly mad. Perhaps she subscribes to this old shool thing where children should all be excessively chubby, or is just looking for a way to make herself ferl like shes bring a great benefactor (making her feel good) by comming up with any weird reason she can give you somethingn in this xase food supplies.
Either way shes the odd one, your dd is perfect 👌.

Original poster
About10cupsofteaperday · 23/04/2022 12:29

DD had a child's portion of spaghetti bolognese when we were out together and ate most of it.

At home she has breakfast, lunch and dinner and always eats most of it. She also has a snack when she wants one.

I think relative is casting her judgement based on DD's appearance alone and she must think toddlers are chubby by default.

I hadn't considered whether she might be on the spectrum actually, she does have some MH problems so I have always attributed the "no filter" to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
About10cupsofteaperday · 23/04/2022 12:30

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2022 12:23

Your relative is a shit-stirring nutter. My official diagnosis. Your child is perfectly fine and anyone with eyes can see that.

I have an aunt like this. Forever saying absolutely absurd shit just to rile people up, make them feel insecure, and to make herself the centre of attention. Ignore.

It's my aunt in this case too 😄

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 23/04/2022 12:31

Looking at photos of children from earlier times may remind us that so many children tend towards plumpness nowadays that we may have lost sight of what the "normal" range is; for example, footage of families visiting the Festival of Britain shows children who, as contemporary studies showed, were actually healthier after being raised on wartime rationing than previous generations, who compared with youngsters of today, are relatively skinny.But the "folk memory" is strong, of skinny, undernourished children, and a plump baby being a bonny baby.If your child is active and healthy, and eating well, I'd ignore her remarks; they don't merit your headspace.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 23/04/2022 12:32

Nah, she looks perfect to me. There are a lot of overweight children around so she probably has an altered view of normal.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/04/2022 12:37

She looks fine (I had one that was resolutely stick like so definitely had some thoughts that she was underfed compared to the older and far larger children in her classes).

Could it be that you've lost weight, though? If a child I remembered as being sturdy had changed noticeably or where I'd seen lots of larger children from a while and their mother was looking thinner/had older clothes or worn down shoes on, it would cross my mind that money might be an issue.

In any case, it doesn't sound as though it was meant unkindly - it was checking whether you were OK - even if they've misjudged the situation, I don't think there's any malice involved.

SammyScrounge · 23/04/2022 12:38

She shouldn't have made those remarks but I think she meant well,- she has been worrying that you were feeling the pinch and didn't have enough money for food. No wonder with all the stuff in the newspapers about families going hungry. She wanted reassurance that you would let her know if you weren' t ok for food. That was concern for you not some kind of criticism.

Original poster
About10cupsofteaperday · 23/04/2022 12:39

DD was a bit chunkier as a baby, before she was mobile and zooming about all over the place.

So she might just not realise that children can lose the 'puppy fat' when they sprout upwards.

I definitely haven't lost weight though. I probably weigh a stone more now than I did when I last saw her.

OP posts:
NippyWoowoo · 23/04/2022 12:43

Your child is perfect

Mumdiva99 · 23/04/2022 12:43

I voted uabu. Not because there's anything wrong with your daughter. There isn't. But it sounded like a comment coming from a place of concern. Did you talk about the rising price of energy bills perhaps? Or how expensive school uniform is? Maybe your aunt has heard all about the rise in use of food banks and doesn't know who uses them? I think she was just trying to say if you ever need help you can ask her. Just say 'thanks, we are good at the moment. But it's really nice to know you care and if we are ever in a fix we can reach out to you.'

Original poster
About10cupsofteaperday · 23/04/2022 12:47

Mumdiva99 · 23/04/2022 12:43

I voted uabu. Not because there's anything wrong with your daughter. There isn't. But it sounded like a comment coming from a place of concern. Did you talk about the rising price of energy bills perhaps? Or how expensive school uniform is? Maybe your aunt has heard all about the rise in use of food banks and doesn't know who uses them? I think she was just trying to say if you ever need help you can ask her. Just say 'thanks, we are good at the moment. But it's really nice to know you care and if we are ever in a fix we can reach out to you.'

She mentioned the rise in the cost of living herself, I just agreed with her. AFAIK I didn't say anything which would indicate that we're struggling (we probably have more disposable than she does, not that I'd make a point of saying so)

OP posts:
gogohm · 23/04/2022 12:50

I would say (from your photo) you dd is definitely not skinny, I had skinny kids, one is still skinny as an adult so would have loved them to be perfect sized like your dd (one of mine has had eating issues since birth, she's autistic)