Is it embarrassing to not have many friends?

[jealousgirl]

Just that really. I was bullied at school and home as a child so never really fitted in anywhere. But I had a few good friends who meant the world to me. Over the years I've stayed friends with these people but we have changed and the closeness that was there has gone. Now when we meet it's more like a reunion than current friends meeting up. I've made other friends through my kids but no one I feel I can open up to and share with and I often find when I suggest going out or meeting separate from kids they are not that bothered. So I've found myself in the situation where most of my social life is my husband and kids and my husbands family. (I'm not close to my family) is that sad? There's a part of me that feels like it's a bit pathetic to not have friends or anyone to socialise with. When I hear of acquaintances going out and doing fun things / holidays together I feel upset. I try to be open to making new friends through activities I do but I generally find it's me getting in touch making the effort when surely it should be both sides. Can anyone relate/advise?

If you like spending time with someone and they respond positively to your suggestions to meet up, I wouldn't worry about it usually being you who initiates. IME some people are just more organised than others about making plans. Don't let that put you off possible friendships.

You sound like a lovely person who has built a strong relationship with your partner, children and in-laws. Over the years, I've come to value that above all other things. During lockdown, knowing DH and I got on so well and DTeens actually enjoyed our company meant the world to me. So don't minimise the relationships you have nurtured that thrive.

Oddly enough, of all the families I know who went on holiday together - the parents have now split up, and I wonder if they needed diversions from family tensions.

As to making new friends - it sounds like you are ready to. All mine have come not through casual hobbies but through real passions in life. If you are obsessed with something and meet like-minded people, you bond pretty easily. Find something you genuinely love - crafting or acting or dance or creative writing or wild water swimming or hiking and you will meet people who want to meet up outside of fixed activity times, to go to a talk or exhibition or performance and gradually through those shared experiences, friendships deepen.

I have no friends for a couple of reasons.
My DH worked away a lot so I had to say no to going out as I had the kids, and I wanted to see DH when he was home.
My friends have always been my school/work mates, so when I moved jobs I lost those friends.
And finally, I don’t put up with people’s bull shit.

I don’t have any friends. I always found it hard to make friends, although I did over the years, then I lived overseas a couple of times and friendships drifted. I accept it and believe this is just the way I am, but I suppose it is a bit embarrassing, it isn’t something I wish to be widely known.

I don't think I'd go as far as saying it's embarrassing - I just worry about loneliness in later life.

I have really reduced my friends hair circles and can count on one hand how many I have. And even they are a let down a lot of the time so I also feel having friends can be overrated 😭

I don’t have any friends really.

I have an old school friend, we speak occasionally on social media.
I have a family member I’m close to but again we only speak sporadically.

i don’t actually get to meet up with anyone as I no longer live near my family and despite living here for several years I’ve never made any friends, I’m quite isolated, I don’t drive so my children get the school bus but I’ve never really clicked with any of the school mums, I’m still a stay at home parent so I don’t get out music and don’t meet anyone new.
I literally only have my parents who I see once a week or so and my DH and children.

I do get very lonely sometimes, even when I was younger and more sociable I never had “girlfriends” or a group of people I could always rely on.

I was always the friend people had in school/at work
etc but not the friend you socialised with outside of those settings.

When I went out to clubs I found myself socialising with people I met through family/Bfs but never developed any real friendships then either, we just hung out at the club and didn’t see each other until the next weekend.

The thing that always got to me was despite being social thinking I had friendships, I never really did, they all had their own groups who they’d known for years and I was just a side friend, I could never seem to build my own group of friends or become integrated into one.

All my “friendships” have been fleeting and I’ve often wondered what’s wrong with me

Not embarrassing at all. As a single woman I value my friendships though, I don't have a partner to do things with at the weekend so having a good circle of friends is important to me.

Yes my ex use to make fun of me because of it.

I don't have many friends. I go through phases of wishing I had more but then realising I don't have the time and energy to be investing in new friendships.

I don't have any real and close friends, but i don't have time for more people in my life so i'm fine with it and i don't try to make new friends. I can understand you being concerned if it's always you making the effort to arrange seeing people, i too think it should be effort made from both. Saying that if it works for you and you're happy to carry on then that's all that matters. You have your dh, children and your dh family so you aren't alone. I think you should just enjoy life and the people who you care about, if friendships happen then great but if not that's ok.

Years ago, I took my mobile phone to a shop to have something or other done to it. The staff member made a comment about the fact I did not have many contacts on my phone.

Nowadays, I do have friends, but only a tiny circle of them. One is moving away soon, and tbh it is devastating me.
I find it hard to get out and meet people, and even harder to make and maintain friendships. I have always felt like I landed here from another planet and that my parents kept it a big secret.

Hi
No it is not embarrassing whatsoever.
Rather to enjoy your own company and that of your family,relationships that mean much to you and that a fulfilling and make you happier long term than having lots of so called friends who matter little to you.
Continue to enjoy life .🌈🌈

I find it really embarrassing as well. I have two children with send and they’re both at specialist schools and so we don’t see any parents, I’m pretty knackered as I also work FT and I guess I haven’t really got the energy to put into hobbies meaning my world is pretty small.

Totally relate. You sound like me.

My various attempts to “make friends” have failed over the years.

I’ve started to accept I’m just not someone people seek to be friends with for whatever reason.

I’m now in a couple of sporting groups that give me my social fix, but without requiring anyone to be my friend. I still get upset sometimes as several of the other women in the group have started to form friendships & meet up one on one outside the group but no one ever contacts me outside the group. I try not to think about it.

I don't find it embarrassing, just sad. I don't really have any close friends anymore (live a distance from each other, don't meet up or even talk much anymore) and we're fairly new to this area (and thanks, Covid) so we don't know many people.

For a recent big birthday, I had three of my DH's friends over even though I invited lots of people. I saw on FB someone I knew was surprised by 5 good friends with a weekend away for the same big birthday. It just really highlighted the difference between the friends she has and the ones I wish I had!

I don't know what the answer is, but don't be embarrassed. Just strive to make changes if that's what you want.

I had this with a running group. After the session several weeks in, one of them said "See you all later" and the other four women all said "yes, see you this afternoon". I saw her that afternoon carrying a box of cupcakes and asked if she was celebrating something. She replied she was going to a birthday picnic for x, one of the running ladies. The following session they were talking about how they wished it was someone else's birthday so they could have cupcakes again. I just remember wondering how they could so obviously leave out one member of the group in front of them. Fine, have a get-together and invite who you like, but don't make it so obvious that someone is left out!

I have friends, including some good ones. But I don’t have a partner or children.

A friend of mine who has been with her partner since she was 20, and have two kids, once said to me that I have so many friends. And I answered (in my head or out load) that I have to, because I don’t have a partner or kids.

I am embarrassed about being single and living alone. I do appreciate my friends, but I still have many lonely days, and I am worried about how my life will turn our when I am older.

If it is I’m sad too. I was bullied for being fat as a child and I don’t seek out friendships, I read it’s a thing with bullied kids later on in life.

I could afford to lose a couple fingers and still count how many true friends I have on one hand. I find life much easier with less people.

I feel the same, I'd love to go out with friends and have a night out or a weekend away. I don't have those kinds of connections. I have friends, good ones. But not that sort of fun kind of friendship that everyone shares posts about all over social media

It has been a hard time to make new friends the last few years due to covid. It's hard with small kids anyway. It sounds like you've got a good social network with your family and some old friends to meet occasionally but are in a position to start to make some new friendships now. I don't think it's a negative thing to struggle with friendships, it can be especially hard if you've had a history of bullying etc. But I do think it's important to keep reaching out. You never know when your relationship could fail or something. There's no harm in inviting new people into your life and heart so long as they are the right ones. If you feel that you are lonely and want friends it's obviously something that does matter to you. Some people don't really mind or it's not a priority. But if there is something you want to change in your life try to find a way to do that. It may be helpful for you to explore your feelings around friendships and maybe get some counselling. Or may just be a sign that because you are thinking about this it's time to reach out to new people now, having got a happy healthy solid foundation already.

Find a hobby you enjoy. There’s quite a lot of groups for things if you look in freebie papers and booklets that come through the door. Maybe join a WI. I moved to where I am now and all my closest friends are because we have a hobby we share.

I think people get to a certain age and are no longer actively ‘recruiting’ new friends. So if you want to make more friends it will fall on you to put in the effort, and it may take time for it to become meaningful.
I remember in the news a couple of years ago the editor of Cosmopolitan admitted she didn’t have any real friends, and spoke out about it, so it makes you wonder how commonplace it is.
I sometimes worry that I only have 2 good friends, who I see about once a month. But I am friendly with a lot of people through work etc - we just don’t take it past that.
I think that having a lovely family is something to celebrate more than friends.
I can honestly say my husband is my best friend - and I would rather spend time with him than anyone else. If I ever lost him (god forbid) I guess I would try to put myself out there and meet new people in the hope of making friends, but with him and my family I just don’t feel lonely.
Hopefully that’s the same for you.

Life's too short for friends and the drama they bring.

I will settle for chatting to a stranger on the bus, then concentrate on making friends in the old people's home I will end up in.

What a weird take. My friends don't bring drama. We aren't in school any more.