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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it embarrassing to not have many friends?

57 replies

jealousgirl · 22/04/2022 07:20

Just that really. I was bullied at school and home as a child so never really fitted in anywhere. But I had a few good friends who meant the world to me. Over the years I've stayed friends with these people but we have changed and the closeness that was there has gone. Now when we meet it's more like a reunion than current friends meeting up. I've made other friends through my kids but no one I feel I can open up to and share with and I often find when I suggest going out or meeting separate from kids they are not that bothered. So I've found myself in the situation where most of my social life is my husband and kids and my husbands family. (I'm not close to my family) is that sad? There's a part of me that feels like it's a bit pathetic to not have friends or anyone to socialise with. When I hear of acquaintances going out and doing fun things / holidays together I feel upset. I try to be open to making new friends through activities I do but I generally find it's me getting in touch making the effort when surely it should be both sides. Can anyone relate/advise?

OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/04/2022 20:33

I don't really have any friends and I can't say it bothers me.

I have casual acquaintances that I'm happy to chat to while we walk the dogs or have a coffee, but otherwise I'm happy in my own company. I have DH and good relationship with my mum, plus I love spending time with animals too.

Coyoacan · 22/04/2022 20:43

There is an element of serendipity about making friends. Sometimes you can go for years without many friends and then suddenly you find several people you click with

Gagaandgag · 22/04/2022 21:21

EmpressSuiko · 22/04/2022 08:46

I don’t have any friends really.

I have an old school friend, we speak occasionally on social media.
I have a family member I’m close to but again we only speak sporadically.

i don’t actually get to meet up with anyone as I no longer live near my family and despite living here for several years I’ve never made any friends, I’m quite isolated, I don’t drive so my children get the school bus but I’ve never really clicked with any of the school mums, I’m still a stay at home parent so I don’t get out music and don’t meet anyone new.
I literally only have my parents who I see once a week or so and my DH and children.

I do get very lonely sometimes, even when I was younger and more sociable I never had “girlfriends” or a group of people I could always rely on.

I was always the friend people had in school/at work
etc but not the friend you socialised with outside of those settings.

When I went out to clubs I found myself socialising with people I met through family/Bfs but never developed any real friendships then either, we just hung out at the club and didn’t see each other until the next weekend.

The thing that always got to me was despite being social thinking I had friendships, I never really did, they all had their own groups who they’d known for years and I was just a side friend, I could never seem to build my own group of friends or become integrated into one.

All my “friendships” have been fleeting and I’ve often wondered what’s wrong with me

This is me! I feel very lonely and often think what could be wrong with me too.

It can feel worse and more magnified at times - like when I got married I didn’t have any bridesmaids or even a hen party. I have never had a birthday party for myself.

The part I’ve always found particularly upsetting is being the ‘side friend’ and never feeling fully part of a loyal and supportive group!

pixie5121 · 22/04/2022 21:28

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

pixie5121 · 22/04/2022 21:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Arghxbdhgd · 22/04/2022 21:33

I feel similar, but I’m single too. Keep thinking how if anything happened to my mum, I’d be completely alone.

FlowerArranger · 22/04/2022 22:08

There are people who seem to attract friends without any real effort on their part - but most people aren't like that. Making friends takes commitment and often a willingness to be the one who asks to get together rather than waiting to be asked.

Most of my friends are women with whom I share an interest, things that I feel passionate about. Some are friends who live locally and who I just happen to get on with. Plus a few that I know from way back when, be it school or having had babies at the same time.

Having said that, when my children were little I had very few real friends. There just wasn't the time!

gingerhills · 22/04/2022 22:22

EmpressSuiko · 22/04/2022 08:46

I don’t have any friends really.

I have an old school friend, we speak occasionally on social media.
I have a family member I’m close to but again we only speak sporadically.

i don’t actually get to meet up with anyone as I no longer live near my family and despite living here for several years I’ve never made any friends, I’m quite isolated, I don’t drive so my children get the school bus but I’ve never really clicked with any of the school mums, I’m still a stay at home parent so I don’t get out music and don’t meet anyone new.
I literally only have my parents who I see once a week or so and my DH and children.

I do get very lonely sometimes, even when I was younger and more sociable I never had “girlfriends” or a group of people I could always rely on.

I was always the friend people had in school/at work
etc but not the friend you socialised with outside of those settings.

When I went out to clubs I found myself socialising with people I met through family/Bfs but never developed any real friendships then either, we just hung out at the club and didn’t see each other until the next weekend.

The thing that always got to me was despite being social thinking I had friendships, I never really did, they all had their own groups who they’d known for years and I was just a side friend, I could never seem to build my own group of friends or become integrated into one.

All my “friendships” have been fleeting and I’ve often wondered what’s wrong with me

I've been through phases in life when I've been very popular and long phases when I was always on the sidelines. What I realised afterwards was that when I didn't make friends was when I was trying to, by being 'nice' and polite and amenable all the time, so not really expressing my own personality. The less I care about making a good impression, and the more instinctively I am confidently myself, expressing my own opinions etc, the more easily I make friends.

GlisteningGoldGrasses · 22/04/2022 22:22

Yes I have no friends and am embarrassed about it. It then adds to my anxiety when I meet people as I get so worried about them finding out I don't have any friends I end up avoiding them after a while.

Notmoresugar · 22/04/2022 22:24

Is it embarrassing to not have many friends?
No definitely not embarrassing.
Quality out-weighs quantity.
The right one(s) might come along when you least expect it, but don't be desperate and put up with the wrong type for the sake of having 'friends' (users and emotional leeches),.

beethecrackon24995 · 22/04/2022 22:25

jewishmum LOVED your post. I could have written that!!!

Maddiemoosmum0203 · 22/04/2022 23:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

R2G · 23/04/2022 00:41

I have group of friends but it's because I've stayed in the area where I've always lived. I don't look at other people without friends as embarrassing, I just think they are braver than me and have moved or pursued their own career.

Hawkins001 · 23/04/2022 01:02

jealousgirl · 22/04/2022 07:20

Just that really. I was bullied at school and home as a child so never really fitted in anywhere. But I had a few good friends who meant the world to me. Over the years I've stayed friends with these people but we have changed and the closeness that was there has gone. Now when we meet it's more like a reunion than current friends meeting up. I've made other friends through my kids but no one I feel I can open up to and share with and I often find when I suggest going out or meeting separate from kids they are not that bothered. So I've found myself in the situation where most of my social life is my husband and kids and my husbands family. (I'm not close to my family) is that sad? There's a part of me that feels like it's a bit pathetic to not have friends or anyone to socialise with. When I hear of acquaintances going out and doing fun things / holidays together I feel upset. I try to be open to making new friends through activities I do but I generally find it's me getting in touch making the effort when surely it should be both sides. Can anyone relate/advise?

I like friends, but prefer ones I can mostly trust and have a good time with, I have only a couple that id consider very good friends, others are more friends in General.

Mumof3girlsandaboy · 23/04/2022 02:08

I had few friends but everyone just moved away including my really best friend moved to Spain last year and I started working few months before she moved and thought maybe I would make friends at work but not and especially working night shift. My husband works away and I have no family near me so just me and my children. On my days off just do things alone while my children are at school.

MyADHDUsername · 23/04/2022 02:20

I absolutely agree OP.

I feel like such a tragic case because I don’t even have one person I could text and say ‘fancy a beer?’.

I think it would be just lovely to have other people in my and my childrens lives. To have friends to meet at the park on the weekend or to go for a break away with. I feel that’s really really something that’s lacking in my life.

But I figure that I’ve made it this far without any and it’s unlikely I’m going to manage to change it now sadly!

Quincunx · 23/04/2022 07:27

Coyoacan · 22/04/2022 20:43

There is an element of serendipity about making friends. Sometimes you can go for years without many friends and then suddenly you find several people you click with

This is very true. However last time I thought I'd clicked with some people, I discovered my main "friend" in the group was making a play for my then bf, while having a LTR herself at the same time and being extremely nice (so I thought) to me. She may now have both all to herself, I don't need that kind of friend.

People are so unreliable. Just do the things you like doing and if you meet like minds who can be trusted, then great.

balalake · 23/04/2022 07:31

I don't think of what you describe as pathetic or sad in any way at all.

I have to say that as someone who at the time worked in central London, I found out in a good way those who are real caring people and value my friendship when 7/7 happened, who were quick to get in touch.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/04/2022 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Why is it embarrassing to still have a friendship group from school? Why does anyone have to move or "branch out" if they don't want to? Your way of life is not the only one that's right.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/04/2022 07:57

Can count old, trusted friends on one hand. We’re very happy with that.

LollyLol · 23/04/2022 08:02

@jewishmum i love that attitude!
I love having friends but I’m hopeless at it. Similar to OP, started life with a lot of bullying and it didn’t improve. My best friend was my mum, who was so lovely, but she died last year. But I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

embarassing? Yes I think so, it feels like a bit of a failure.

MrsPear · 23/04/2022 08:04

I have zero - it would’ve nice but I’m too weird. It’s taken me a long time to accept but here i am.
Are you happy?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2022 08:22

Why is it embarrassing to still have a friendship group from school? Why does anyone have to move or "branch out" if they don't want to? Your way of life is not the only one that's right.

I don't think PP meant that being friends with your school friends is embarrassing - more that it's quite unusual not to have made friends with anyone else in the 20-30 years since leaving school.

Personally I would find a life where I still lived in my hometown surrounded by the people I grew up with quite stifling - but we live in DH's hometown and he doesn't seem to mind, so I suppose it's all personal choice as you say.

jewishmum · 23/04/2022 08:45

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/04/2022 20:30

What a weird take. My friends don't bring drama. We aren't in school any more.

Show quote history

Our life experiences have given us different opinions.

WildCoasts · 23/04/2022 08:52

I've had times in life where I've had few friends and times when I've had many friends. People move, life changes. I still don't have many friends from my last move but I'm not bothered by it. I came to the conclusion that school conditions us to believe we need to have friends and it's shameful to be 'unpopular'. I rejected that and decided it was quite okay to be happy with just a friend or two plus my family.