To talk about what happened?

[theblabber]

I just went through a break-up which has a bit of a crazy and shocking story attached.

It was actually very traumatic but I have told the story to anyone who’ll listen because I find it therapeutic. I’d rather share the story with people (and dare I say, receive the validation that it was insane and I am better off without him), than bury it and relive the trauma of it in my head.

I’m doing all the healthy stuff too - journaling, seeing a therapist, exercise etc.

My best friend just read me the riot act because I’m telling people what happened. She’s had a couple of people approach her to say they heard what happened and were shocked and is apparently very very annoyed at that. She isn’t defending him or anything (she hates him) but she keeps telling me it’s unhealthy and I shouldn’t be sharing so much with people.

I can’t really work out why she has such an issue with it. I find it therapeutic to share the story. It turns it from a traumatic event, into an anecdote, and I find that useful.

IABU to tell people what happened? I really can’t see the harm in it.

I'm sorry you had such a traumatic break up.
Your friend should probably have been gentler but i agree that you probably shouldn't be sharing details with people unless they ask you. And that if it gets too much for them you stop.

Some people would find your (over)sharing of your break up quite traumatic, or it may upset what was for them a perfectly fine day. Perhaps you need to talk to a professional?

Just to clarify, it’s not an upsetting story. It’s a shocking one (and if you’re not the one experiencing it, almost a funny-but-not-funny one). More of a ‘you won’t believe what my asshole ex did when he broke up with me’.

It was traumatic for me to go through, definitely not traumatic for people to hear.

It’s hard to say conclusively without knowing what the story is and who you’re telling. There is such a thing as oversharing and so if you’re telling a detailed story about your sex life to strangers on the bus for example your friend is probably right to suggest maybe you need to share less.

Ultimately though it is your story and it is yours to share and decide who to share it with. I will say sometimes I don’t think the best response to something traumatic is to try and turn it into an anecdote; after I was raped I was a bit like that, telling people about it like it was just another story. A year later when the enormity and trauma of it happened I regretted sharing it so openly and flippantly and was ashamed that information was out there and also because I’d told it almost as if it wasn’t a big deal to some people when it hit me and I needed support it was harder to reach out again to those people.

I’d also say that if your friend is hearing it off other people she might be trying to protect you; it sounds like the people you’ve told aren’t keeping it private and are gossiping about it between themselves. Maybe the people you're telling aren’t the most discreet and even if you don’t mind people knowing now if, in future, it feels like more than just an anecdote you might be upset that your story was shared and gossiped about by others.

As I said it is your story and it is up to you who you tell, you haven’t shared it here or said who the people you’ve told are (eg: other friends, colleagues, acquaintances, strangers) so beyond that it’s hard to say whether your friend is coming from a good place of wanting to protect your future self from your behaviour now should you come to think about the event differently or whether she is actually being judgemental and needs to mind her own business!

Have the people you've told asked for all the details of your break up? It sounds like you've been telling all and sundry who may not want to listen but are too polite to tell you. Its really awkward when someone is being very personal but you don't want that level of intimacy into their life. I think some professional help may be better for you.

YABU for not telling us the story

Maybe she is finding it difficult or feels it is monopolising a lot of her conversations.

Even the most supportive, loving friend can need a break occasionally.

When it very first happened (like in that first day), I reached out and told people proactively because I was so distressed by the break-up in general.

Now, a few weeks in, I have only told people who asked. For example, I went to ladies night last night with some women I don’t know well, and they knew I’d been through a break-up and asked what happened.

It was traumatic for me to go through, definitely not traumatic for people to hear

Its hard to know if thats true though without knowing the story

Well you’re going to have to share the story with us before we give our opinions aren’t you?

Proceed.

while I don't think people should bottled stuff up I don't agree with telling "anyone who'll listen". But I'm a pretty private person

Do you think you're trauma bonding?

I’m not sharing it because my friend has put the fear of god in me about sharing it!

I’m full of anxiety and doubt now about whether I should’ve told anyone!

Also last time I put a shocking story on here, the Daily Mail picked it up.

I’m familiar with trauma bonding but not in this context. What do you mean?

Actually maybe I mean trauma dumping. Oversharing can be too much for most people.

There comes a point when sharing becomes wallowing.

Every time you re-tell a story, you re-live it and it's not healthy if you're going to keep telling it to people who can't help.

Stick to therapy, you've shared with enough non-professional people.

You might feel like you're being genuinely vulnerable by sharing, but maybe people feel you're actually just over sharing and self absorbed.

So many women take the shame on as their own, much better to out the bastards.

I think there may be something to what your friend is saying. I went through hell a couple of years back and it was definitely one for therapy. At the start I ended up dumping on people in a way that probably wasn’t fair on them in hindsight. I was pretty maniac from the trauma of it so it really wasn’t me behaving in my right mind. But others have done the same to me about various issues over the years so it is human nature. I mean what did humans do before therapy drink away their feelings, take there trauma out on someone else, not the healthiest.

Fuck me. This is why I find people so complicated (am neurodiverse) - where exactly is this "over-sharing" boundary? Most of my friends and colleagues know almost nothing about me, because I have no idea where the line is, and I don't want to step over it. It's kind of a lonely feeling though, as it means that most of the people in my life don't really know who I am.

OP: what you are talking about doesn't sound like over-sharing to me - people are asking you, and you are answering them. I hate this whole second guessing thing, where if people ask you a simple question, you are supposed to answer in some kind of predefined, socially acceptable manner, rather than just telling the simple truth!

A quick google has informed me that this is exactly what I’m doing. Wow…

I feel super embarrassed now.

Your friend is right I'm sorry. You need to have some reserve about this or you come across crazy. It's OK to tell the people who love you but don't overshare.

I found myself in a conversation at the park with a mum who used to be at my dc school. She was telling me all these awful stories about her life and I found myself first wanting to pray for her but also exhausted by it. I remembered she's done this to me before when she was still at school but I thought that was pandemic crazy rather than just what she's like.

I agree with PP that you should be careful who you're sharing things like this with. If it's getting back to your friend it's obviously being gossiped about. Stories tend to get distorted through gossiping which never turns out well.
I think if it's getting to the point where you're sharing this with anyone and everyone then that's just too much and is probably an indication that you're not getting over it, rather than it helping you.

You're not unreasonable to share your story but you sound very reactive - telling everyone proactively is oversharing, as it is giving the full details to people you dont really know at ladies night. Telling close family and friends is healthy. Acquantainces you just say its finished and that's the end of discussion.

I say this with love, other people arent there to be your therapy. They have their own stuff going on X

Telling close friends isn't trauma dumping, its what friends are for.

I assume your ex behaved quite badly?

This idea that people shouldn't discuss things that happened to them is something I find quite old fashioned, it comes from a time when women were meant to put up and shut up, and its very convenient for men who want to cheat and be secretive. As a society, we inform others on reputations of people we know, and its one of the primary defences we have in warning people against "bad sorts" and saving them from future trauma, should they choose to acknowledge it.

I don't believe in a code of silence around bad behaviour, because it generally protects men and its this notion that women have to be compliant and good little uncomplaining girls, just in case they put another man off.

If this is someone whose judgement you usually trust and you think she is speaking in good faith, then I think she might have good reason to think you need to be more selective about how and who you are telling and you should ask her.