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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk about what happened?

67 replies

theblabber · 21/04/2022 07:41

I just went through a break-up which has a bit of a crazy and shocking story attached.

It was actually very traumatic but I have told the story to anyone who’ll listen because I find it therapeutic. I’d rather share the story with people (and dare I say, receive the validation that it was insane and I am better off without him), than bury it and relive the trauma of it in my head.

I’m doing all the healthy stuff too - journaling, seeing a therapist, exercise etc.

My best friend just read me the riot act because I’m telling people what happened. She’s had a couple of people approach her to say they heard what happened and were shocked and is apparently very very annoyed at that. She isn’t defending him or anything (she hates him) but she keeps telling me it’s unhealthy and I shouldn’t be sharing so much with people.

I can’t really work out why she has such an issue with it. I find it therapeutic to share the story. It turns it from a traumatic event, into an anecdote, and I find that useful.

IABU to tell people what happened? I really can’t see the harm in it.

OP posts:
Winederlust · 21/04/2022 08:23

It's not an all or nothing game though succulent; of course sharing with close friends and family can be helpful of course. Telling the whole story to anyone who asks (often because they're just interested in a bit of gossip, not in actually helping the OP) can be detrimental rather than helpful.

Momicrone · 21/04/2022 08:28

There are no rules, if it helps you, crack on, it would not annoy me at all. We're all human and have to find our way through these things.

Thehop · 21/04/2022 08:35

Your friend could have been kinder but I actually agree. I’m not a sharers so could be wrong but it sounds like you’re trauma dumping and should maybe stick to talking about it with your therapist?

good luck moving forward.

Itshonestlynotthathard · 21/04/2022 08:38

I’m with your friend

Itshonestlynotthathard · 21/04/2022 08:42

He fact you’re even starting a thread about your BF giving you some advice and whether you are right to overshare…… indicates to me that you thrive on bringing others in to issues in to your life.

Pause, reflect, talk to very close friends if you wish, but sharing with multiples is, in a word, gossiping.

Itshonestlynotthathard · 21/04/2022 08:42

And unless a close friend
i take any “break up stories” with a pinch of salt.

AllOverIt · 21/04/2022 08:47

I agree with your friend, sorry.

the80sweregreat · 21/04/2022 08:49

I knew someone who tended to ' overshare' a bit
It made me feel uncomfortable as I know that some people are just keen on the gossip and not on how they are dealing with the situation
I don't trust most people , very few in fact , but I think that's an age thing , you do learn who you can trust and who you can't and you find out it's a very small number of people most of the time.
Just chose wisely who you chose to confide in.
I'm sorry you had such a bad break up.

sst1234 · 21/04/2022 08:55

OP putting the friend aside for the moment. It’s great that you have a way to manage things which otherwise may be difficult to manage. Overhearing personal stuff can hurt your credibility though. People start to see other peoples trauma as drama after a while. It may be harsh but it’s also true. Humans are wired to have limits to empathy. Some boundaries and keeping certain things personal is important to maintaining relationships without people eye rolling about your personal life. Talking to a professional is better idea.

queenMab99 · 21/04/2022 09:08

I had not discussed the way my marriage was disintegrating and my ex was having an affair, for 4 years, as I was told by him that I was mentally ill for thinking such a thing and by the OW, that I was mistaken, it was not until I had proof, had made him leave, and seen a solicitor about a divorce, that I told friends and colleagues. It was like an explosion, I told everybody, and they were all very interested, I didn't care who knew, it was such a relief to know that I wasn't a mad, menopausal, paranoid old bitch. I don't think I upset anyone except him and her. It might not have been the right thing to do but it made me feel so much better. 'The shit hit the fan' describes it perfectly.

x2boys · 21/04/2022 09:18

I went through a really traumatic experience a few years ago i also felt the need to talk about it ,I self referred for counseling,and was able to talk the whole experience through ,and how I felt sad and also angry with some people,it helped me just having some one listening to me.

Brefugee · 21/04/2022 09:21

I think the best thing is to let them lead the conversation if you're talking to someone about your break-up. So let them ask and you can then give them a chance to say "do you just want me to listen or are you asking for advice/feedback?" (lots of people don't ask this, but it is really useful as a listener to know what's expected)

I hadn't heard "trauma dumping" before but that is a great way of putting it. It isn't fair to dump things on people who might not want it but don't know how to stop you from doing it.

BeautifulWar · 21/04/2022 09:24

Also last time I put a shocking story on here, the Daily Mail picked it up.

Blimey, how many shocking stories do to have?!

whenwilliwillibefamous · 21/04/2022 09:30

So, here's the thing, OP.
Right now it's a relief to talk about it and helps you get over the shock.
But, if you were my friend, I would also gently suggest you keep that to close friends, who would expect to know these details.

People who aren't close - they'll now think of you always as "woman who found her boyfriend dressing up the hamster in rubber gear" (or whatever). Not "woman who is quite funny", "woman who works at the council", "woman who was having trouble with her Ford Focus". It'll colour their view of you, following you round, and just imagine if you go for a job interview three years from now and they're on the other side of the desk...!

Your close friends know all about who you are anyway, so this won't skew their opinion of you. They know that this is just an isolated experience. But people who don't know you will wonder, "is she the sort of person who is always ending up in drama?", and who wants to give that as a first impression?

I think that's where she's coming from.

Squirrelblanket · 21/04/2022 09:44

As others have said, it depends on the story and how close you are to the people you are telling. For a very close friend I wouldn't be surprised to hear the full details. For someone I'm not close too might say, 'Oh no, poor you, what happened?' But I would be expecting more of a 'he dumped me/I dumped him' kind of thing rather than all the details. Honestly that would just make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. It sounds like this is what has been happening and that other people have asked your friend to have a word.

UnsuitableHat · 21/04/2022 11:56

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, unless you’re really forcing your ‘stuff’ on people who don’t want to listen. Sometimes we need to talk things through.

thebeespyjamas · 21/04/2022 14:19

I think it's your story to tell or not to tell.

You can gently suggest things to your friends but ultimately can't tell them how to behave.

Does the story involve her at all? Why are people mentioning it to her?

Hoppinggreen · 21/04/2022 14:25

BeautifulWar · 21/04/2022 09:24

Also last time I put a shocking story on here, the Daily Mail picked it up.

Blimey, how many shocking stories do to have?!

Thats what I was thinking
Unless you were a very close friend then I dont want to know all the details of your break up, its a bit self absorbed to think everyone will find it interesting

Momicrone · 21/04/2022 14:36

Blimey, if confiding in friends about bad shit that happens to us is now called trauma dumping, then me and my mates are all guilty of it. I will always listen if people need me to.

Ihatethenewlook · 21/04/2022 14:41

I think I’m with your friend here. It might be therapeutic for you, but these people are not your therapist

Momicrone · 21/04/2022 14:42

So friends can't talk about their problems now?!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 21/04/2022 14:45

You're clearly quite an open person but I do think there's a time and place for sharing every detail.

Momicrone · 21/04/2022 14:48

What time and place is that?

squiller · 21/04/2022 14:50

If people are asking about your break up and you’re telling them what happened then that’s fine but if you’re just dumping your issues on random unsuspecting people then yeah, that’s not cool at all. I’ve met a couple of people like this before, you leave the conversation feeling completely exhausted. If nobody is asking about your problems, don’t tell them because people don’t want to be your therapist and they have their own issues.

Cryingintherain99 · 21/04/2022 14:50

It's difficult to comment as I have no idea what the situation was, but if it was something distressing maybe ask your friend to reverse it. Imagine it happened to her and she was desperate to talk about it/ find some emotional release.
How would she feel if you said the same to her?
Would she be OK with that?
Or would she feel hurt or guilty for "burdening" others with the story?
Like I say, it's hard without knowing what happened, but I always try to think how I would feel or how they would feel if the situations were reversed.

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