To talk about what happened?

[theblabber]

I just went through a break-up which has a bit of a crazy and shocking story attached.

It was actually very traumatic but I have told the story to anyone who’ll listen because I find it therapeutic. I’d rather share the story with people (and dare I say, receive the validation that it was insane and I am better off without him), than bury it and relive the trauma of it in my head.

I’m doing all the healthy stuff too - journaling, seeing a therapist, exercise etc.

My best friend just read me the riot act because I’m telling people what happened. She’s had a couple of people approach her to say they heard what happened and were shocked and is apparently very very annoyed at that. She isn’t defending him or anything (she hates him) but she keeps telling me it’s unhealthy and I shouldn’t be sharing so much with people.

I can’t really work out why she has such an issue with it. I find it therapeutic to share the story. It turns it from a traumatic event, into an anecdote, and I find that useful.

IABU to tell people what happened? I really can’t see the harm in it.

I agree with you.
I'd always be there for any friends who need support or a listening ear.
I would hate to think they felt like the OP's friend and several posters on here feel if ever I needed to talk. I think it would be enough to make me bottle everything up completely.

Well, that's very situation dependent, isn't it?

We don't know how much detail OP is going into, which makes it impossible to comment accurately.

Personally speaking, I wouldn't be comfortable going into loads of detail about a break-up on group night out. That's something I would reserve for a night in, or a quiet chat over coffee or lunch. But again, that's just what I would do personally.

If her friend is calling her out on her behaviour, I suspect that maybe the mutual friends are going back to her and maybe saying they find all the detail a bit odd or inappropriate.

It is hard. I had the same when my OH died under very sad circumstances. I found it better for me to talk about it, and it also felt as though it gave others permission to talk about it too.

I think that only you can make the right decision for you in your unique situation.

I told everyone what my ex had done when we split up - for validation I think - and so everyone knew what a dick he was. I have no regrets but don't do it anymore.

I am very sorry for your loss
but this situation is in no way comparable to yours

One of the things we are taught when learning about the finer workings of the law on evidence is that there is societal wide disinclination to disbelieve women and to believe men. Judges know that, lawyers know that, members of the public (including juries) generally don't know that.

Part of it is due to women being expected to be men-pleasers and to interpret everything in favour of viewing things men do in a rosy light, unless there is a good reason not to.

That probably has a lot to do with why women are often discouraged from criticising men. We know that women tend to process emotional responses better than men, one of the main reasons for that being that they tend to talk it through with their friends rather than bottling it up. We know that men are far more likely statistically to resort to violence as a result of emotional upset.

And yet this thread is still all about how women shouldn't discuss such things with their friends. Even though we know its overall beneficial, even though we know that men bottling up their emotions is far far more dangerous to society.

I like to think that society has progressed some what after the Me Too movement and women being encouraged to speak out about daily sexism and so on but here we are being actively discouraged not to reveal the bad behaviour of men, even in conversation with our closest friends, just because its not quite the done thing.

FWIW I'd rather be aware that someone is a bit dodgy or not.

You don’t do it now because you saw sense!

the reality is…. Those who know and care for you, would have listened and cared and accepted whatever you said as the truth.

the others that you told, would either not have cared, seen it as gossip or, more sensibly, thought “well there’s two sides to every story”. And those close to your ex…. Well, see my first paragraph because that would have been their stance ie didn’t believe you

@SucculentChalice

FWIW I'd rather be aware that someone is a bit dodgy or not.

You would just accept whatever anyone said even if you were not close to them but they were telling you someone you knew was “dodgy”? You would accept that that someone “is a bit dodgy”

I don't think your friend has taken a very helpful tac here. If she is concerned for you, that you have overshared surely AS A FRIEND she should be looking to see what support you still need, even if she can't provide it - checking in rather than laying down the law would have been the friendly thing to do.

I'm sure you're friends are simply shocked and concerned for you, maybe talking it through with her to confirm that you're on the path to putting it behind you. Now she's done this please don't totally shut down, friends are going to realise this is temporary.

Has she got stuff going on? Is she quite selfish? I'm confused by an angry response really.

Itsnothathard You would just accept whatever anyone said even if you were not close to them but they were telling you someone you knew was “dodgy”? You would accept that that someone “is a bit dodgy”

Yes, thats right, even after all my talk of the law of evidence and adductive thinking in the very post you take my last sentence from, my little brain just hasn't developed the capacity to think for itself.

It was traumatic for me to go through, definitely not traumatic for people to hear.

that is interesting
because a “friend” would not find remotely entertaining to hear something from a friend that had been “traumatic” for them to go through. Not in the slightest.

So the your sentence completely contradicts the very long and convoluted paragraphs that precede it

and when a poster questions this

that is your response? 😂

itshonstlynotthathard that is your response?

Yep. Some questions are so dumb, they only warrant sarcasm as a response.

Its not really that hard at all.

Knife. Edge!

I’ve done this too op, right when I was in the shock of it all. It wasn’t a good idea, as I already knew some of those people weren’t entirely trustworthy. I don’t know if the gossiped about me, but I certainly would’ve done.
Now I try for bare bone details for those I don’t know. Details for trusted friends only, and even then making sure they have equal time to talk about their lives, and save a lot of stuff for therapy. Therapy is very helpful.

I don't think you have done anything wrong OP, and I think your friend was being unkind in trying to silence you.

My DM who never swore would say Focail. Irish word for word ( fuck-al).

Aon Focal Eile g.co/kgs/xKRPkB