To push DS into activities when he would rather not

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He’s just turned 6. I’ve always been a bit of an over scheduler with his older brother who is 10. DS1 loves various activities and has done loads, is very sporty and has a very full schedule which he thrives on.
DS2 has had a lot less, partly because of lockdowns coming when I perhaps would have been starting him on activities, partly because of DS1 schedule taking up time and partly just because he naturally temperamentally is less inclined to want to do activities so I’ve not pushed it. You can tell he’s not naturally sporty as DS1 is. DS2 has always enjoyed more time with me, he loves growing seeds, baking and cooking, craft etc.

However I am wondering if I’m just sort of letting him stay at home and not pushing him gently out of his comfort zone. He’s not an adventurous child and if I let him choose be really would never choose to do anything but then he might love it?

He does do a few bits, he does swimming and taekwondo and a little dance class at school.

Anyway a place has come up at Beavers and when I asked him if he wants to do it he has really had a cry tonight and said he really doesn’t want to. He knows nothing about Beavers so it’s not an informed choice, none of his friends or his brother will be going so he’s a bit scared basically.

I think I’ve made my mind up to put him in at least for this term but he’s really upset about it. Just interested to hear thoughts.

I would never advise making a small child who has cried about not wanting to do an activity do that activity.

He has 3 things in his schedule already. Many of us older posters had none at that age and whilst I think activities are good for children, 3 is plenty for a 6 year old.

He might enjoy beavers more than one of the sporty activities actually. But I wouldn't try to find out by adding in a fourth if it's making him cry!

Does he have a friend or even someone he knows a bit who might join Beavers at the same time. My kids have all done plenty of activities but they’d always much prefer to be going with a friend.

My older two boys were incredibly sporty and played rugby and cricket competitively from an early age. Also were into scootering and then skateboarding, going to skate parks etc. I just assumed my youngest son would be the same and he wasn't really given the choice and just did it all too. But he hated it. Would do anything to get out of going.

I made DS3 so miserable putting him into a very sport orientated private school, making him go to rugby tryouts. He got into the As and we went along to every match. But inside he was miserable. It created a lot of terrible mental health and behavioural problems tbh. We recently had to take him away from the private school as he was self harming 😥due to stress of accademic life, and the pressure on him all the time to perform. He is now at the local state school, the pressures off and he is so much happier.

I know my example if really extreme, but if id listened to him back when he was little i would never have pushed him so much. He is creative, sensitive and artistic, loves cooking and fashion. I feel so terribly guilty. 😥😥😥

Why are you ignoring everyone and insisting you are right?
with school, all the activities, a nanny, maybe he just wants to cherish the time he gets with his mum

I've never really understood the whole "activities" thing... I did nothing in terms of groups until orchestra (as a teen). I hated being in a crowd being told what to do, and filled my time happy playing, arts, reading etc etc.

If he's happy and developing fine, why are groups even needed?

I wouldn't push him, he can always try Beavers at a later date if he changes his mind. As someone who's very introverted, I'm still adjusting to life post lockdown and feel totally drained after the working week is over most of the time. I can only imagine how much worse it would be for such a young child.

My DD does swimming, dance and martial arts (at school). That is definitely enough for her in terms of having time for chilling at home. We have decided together that if she wants to do something else, we will stop one of the current ones.

Your DS may love Beavers, but I do think your view that he is not doing very much might be a bit skewed. I would really think whether he will benefit from doing more or will lose out doing the pottering activities with you at home. DDs school offered choir and she loves singing, but she explained she loves being at home more. (She decided she didn't want to give up one of her other activities for choir).

Trial sessions are best in situations like this. Let him go and see if he enjoys it first, if he hates it then don’t make him go back. Three activities a week is a lot for a 6 year old.

I think school is a lot for them at that age. We push ours into all sorts she doesn't like. Drama and gym stuff but we ask her to complete the course as it will build her confidence and going outside your comfort zone is good. But I wouldn't do it if she was in school because it's a long week and tiring.

We push ours into all sorts she doesn't like.

I’m very glad my parents weren’t like this. My childhood would have been utterly miserable.

I think it's a terrible idea to push him into going when he has said he doesn't want to. He cried and said no, but you're considering enrolling him anyway? What a dreadful message to send to a child, that he has no agency over his own life and no right to set boundaries on his own time. These activities are supposed to be leisure, they are for pleasure and enrichment. Forcing an unwilling child to attend is counter-productive as well as cruel. You're denying him the right to develop his own interests in his own time, and telling him that you think he isn't good enough and needs improvement. Awful. Leave the poor little sod alone, fgs.

I'd put him in. Maybe on the proviso that he doesn't 4 sessions, and then if he really hates it after that, you'll pull him out?

I personally think that things like beavers, cubs, rainbows, brownies etc are actually better for kids that stuff like martial arts and the like, because they're actually designed for kids. Rather than adult stuff that's been "dumbed down."

I think the three activities are enough. Maybe think about Cubs when he is the age they start.

I think the whole scouting organisation is really good for socialising, skills, etc and managed to keep one of mine in from Beavers to Explorers (He was the quiet one. His brother was too busy with his sports clubs) I'd ask him to try Beavers for at least a month and if he loves/prefers it to one of his other activities, he could drop that.

Maybe he's an introvert, as am I.

My mum was forever signing me up for things I didn't want to do, then telling me I was wasting her money by not wanting to go!!

I loved reading. I still do. Some people are introverts.

I think I was your son! School absolutely maxed me out with social interaction (always extremely introverted, but in my mid-30s diagnosed with ASD and ADHD) and and I could not handle more stuff out of school. I would just shut down in the clubs. I had to go to a group similar to Beavers. I hated it, but complaining didn't get me anywhere so I stopped eventually. I'm sure my parents thought I grew to at least like it. I have so many memories of overwhelming dread and fear of going.

However, I started a sport at 8 years old that I asked to do and still do it to this day. I also started music lessons in secondary and have kept that up. I also joined choirs and did school plays, but they were all things I wanted to do so it made the associated social interactions my choice, which meant I could deal with them better.

Now I have a job with very little interaction with people and I can do loads more things outside of work, but many people I know do way more. You have to go with what you can cope with.

Unlike other clubs or is run by volunteers so it’s also a bit off to ask for a trial

It's not at all 'off' to ask for a trial - in fact at Beavers, it's generally advised to trial it before making the commitment of being invested (and buying uniform/paying subs!). All the scout sections I know run like this.

It sounds to me like her DS would be a good fit for Beavers, based on her description of his interests, and the fact that he worries he's not good enough at some activities. The beauty of beavers is that you don't need to be 'good enough', you just need to rock up and have fun, while getting to try lots of different activities/crafts/games etc.

That said, I do think the OP is pushing her DS to do too much, and minimising the three activities that he does. So if I were the OP I would tell him that if he finds he likes Beavers, he can drop one or two of his other activities (possibly not the swimming though). It might be worth trying Beavers now, as there's no guarantee of trying it later, round here places at Beavers are like gold dust.

If he's not happy why force him? Perhaps he prefers living in his own world and wants to use his imagination. I do feel that we parents are put under pressure to keep our children occupied however they feel about it. It's not a competition.

Yes, YABU. 3 is enough at 6.