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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To push DS into activities when he would rather not

95 replies

Newforumnewname · 20/04/2022 19:44

He’s just turned 6. I’ve always been a bit of an over scheduler with his older brother who is 10. DS1 loves various activities and has done loads, is very sporty and has a very full schedule which he thrives on.
DS2 has had a lot less, partly because of lockdowns coming when I perhaps would have been starting him on activities, partly because of DS1 schedule taking up time and partly just because he naturally temperamentally is less inclined to want to do activities so I’ve not pushed it. You can tell he’s not naturally sporty as DS1 is. DS2 has always enjoyed more time with me, he loves growing seeds, baking and cooking, craft etc.

However I am wondering if I’m just sort of letting him stay at home and not pushing him gently out of his comfort zone. He’s not an adventurous child and if I let him choose be really would never choose to do anything but then he might love it?

He does do a few bits, he does swimming and taekwondo and a little dance class at school.

Anyway a place has come up at Beavers and when I asked him if he wants to do it he has really had a cry tonight and said he really doesn’t want to. He knows nothing about Beavers so it’s not an informed choice, none of his friends or his brother will be going so he’s a bit scared basically.

I think I’ve made my mind up to put him in at least for this term but he’s really upset about it. Just interested to hear thoughts.

OP posts:

Gettissuesgotissues · 20/04/2022 20:53

I think it's lovely ds2 enjoys spending time with you - why not focus on that rather than another activity? Kids already have to attend school, I think they should have a say in their leisure time and look forward to extra activities. As pp said, maybe broach again in another year or so.

SheWoreYellow · 20/04/2022 20:55

We have one like this.

The only thing I’d say is that Beavers is a really good chance to go on a camp. He may have friends from school join soon. Id give it a go, with a view to drop a different class if he likes it.

If you don’t accept the place you probably won’t get another opportunity, places are usually in demand. Unlike other clubs or is run by volunteers so it’s also a bit off to ask for a trial. Just accept it and see how he gets on.

GlamorousHeifer · 20/04/2022 20:58

I am biased but definitely get him in beavers! My son started there....he is now a young leader and goes on camps/expeditions all the time (keeps teenagers out of trouble 😉) He is self sufficient it so many ways and quite a bit ahead of his peers in that respect.
I would drop one of the other activities and go with Beavers personally as it has done wonders for my child.

Mischance · 20/04/2022 21:03

Age 6 , 3 activities a week is enough. It is nice he likes to do stuff with you. He will have different wishes to his older brother - I think it is important that he knows that is OK to have his own choices and that he does not have to follow big brother - not suggesting that this is how he is made to feel, but he needs to feel his choices are valued.

Maybe, as his reaction to the idea of Beavers was so emphatic, it could be put aside for now. It could happen that when some of his friends start going and come back and talk about the fun they have had, he might feel differently about it.

Matildalamp · 20/04/2022 21:04

I was struck by the minimising language you used around what he does do: “a few bits” and a “little dance class” to describe what turns out to be three activities. That’s quite unfair, if you’re not careful your son is going to grow up thinking he’s not as good as his brother!

FabFitFifties · 20/04/2022 21:06

Does he love the current 3 activities, if not, I would ask him to try Beavers, and let him know he can drop dance or whatever, if he likes Beavers. If he loves his current activities, he doesn't need any more.

FabFitFifties · 20/04/2022 21:11

Matildalamp has also made a very important observation, which I thought, but didn't write!

RedskyThisNight · 20/04/2022 21:13

I agree that 3 activities is already enough for a 6 year old, and presumably he also spends a certain amount of time being ferried around to his brother's activities? It sounds like he might just want a quiet evening at home!

does he really like his other activities, or could he drop one for Beavers? I'd also ask the leaders if he can go for a couple of weeks just to see if he likes it - I'm an ex-Brownie leader and we would always let new children to this. A term is quite a long time to commit to something when you are 6! I also don't know why you would force him when he is clearly so upset? If you'd like him to get involved in Scouting he will have other opportunities to join in the future.

NameChange30 · 20/04/2022 21:15

"He does do a few bits, he does swimming and taekwondo and a little dance class at school.

I think I’ve made my mind up to put him in at least for this term but he’s really upset about it."

YABVU. You are coming across as a pushy parent who thinks that he isn't doing enough and who insists that he does an extra activity despite the fact that he clearly doesn't want to and is actually upset about it. Poor kid.

Does he enjoy taekwondo and dance? If so let him carry on with those. If there's one or both that he could give or take, maybe you could suggest that he tries Beavers and if he likes it he could do it but drop one of the others?

He clearly values time at home to play and do activities with you (he sounds lovely actually). Don't deprive him of that

Chichimcgee · 20/04/2022 21:18

He sounds like me and your older one sounds like my older brother. My entire childhood I felt unwanted and like my brother was preferred because my mum wanted me to go out and play ‘like your brother’ do sports ‘like your brother’ be more outgoing ‘like your brother’ I wasn’t accepted as I am which was someone who is introverted and would much rather be in the kitchen or garden helping my mum.
it took me years and years to accept who I am and stop thinking of myself as some weirdo because I was introverted. Please don’t push him anymore and show him he’s awesome just the way he is

Chichimcgee · 20/04/2022 21:20

He knows nothing about Beavers so it’s not an informed choice

he’s just turned 6, he doesn’t need to make an ‘informed choice’ maybe he just doesn’t want to do it because he doesn’t have the energy or would rather be home regardless of what the activity is. He will think you’re trying to get rid of him if you keep piling on activities he doesn’t want to do. He already does school and that’s hard enough never mind the rest

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 20/04/2022 21:22

Does he enjoy dance and taekwondo (swimming non negotiable)? If so then back off. If not, ask him if he’d rather try beavers and drop one of the others.

that said, I do feel bad for him. I was a complete homebody at that age, and never happier than by myself playing with my toys or reading books. My sister was the complete opposite. No matter how much I would have hated to do all the stuff my sister loved, I still felt shit that I didn’t do any of it.

Be very careful you aren’t setting him up to feel like a failure because of his brother; if he spends his time trailing around after his brother’s amazing busy schedule, he’s going to feel a bit second rate at some point.

Janedoe82 · 20/04/2022 21:26

I would drop one of the three (probably not swimming) and do Beavers as think it is probably more beneficial- range of skills/ social interaction/ trips away.

Petronus · 20/04/2022 21:27

He already does 3 activities, he’s fine. This sounds like a you problem. Let him be.

urbanbuddha · 20/04/2022 21:56

DS2 has always enjoyed more time with me, he loves growing seeds, baking and cooking, craft etc.

Skills that suited lockdown. He must have missed a lot of Reception when socialising skills are learnt.
Don't push him into an activity he doesn't want to go to. You risk cementing his feeling that he isn't comfortable in large groups with strange people. Give him time and suggest it again after the summer.

Solmum1964 · 20/04/2022 22:09

At that age my DC did 2 activities - swimming (non-negotiable) and football. That was enough after school, they often had dinner and got themselves ready for bed because they were tired!
They joined Cubs when they were old enough because a friend went and later went on to Scouts and Explorers. They also added music groups at their request.
There's plenty of time to add other activities as they get older. You can offer options and perhaps talk with friends about activities they do, but allow your son to make his own choices. However once he does start something ensure he gives it a fair chance. Mine always had to finish the period that had been paid for but quite often chose to carry on once we got to the time of paying for the next term or giving notice.

Blossomtoes · 20/04/2022 22:13

Please don’t make him do it. He’s different to his brother and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’d have been utterly miserable if my mum had done what you’re proposing.

godmum56 · 20/04/2022 22:14

I seriously have no Idea why parents want to push kids into activities to the point where it makes them cry. That's not pushing gently. Think how you'd feel if it was you? Your post sounds like you are a judging mum, comparing one child with another and judging one better than the other. Again how would you feel if it was you?

Original poster

Newforumnewname · 20/04/2022 23:28

Thanks all for your thoughts.
As a few have said, Beavers would probably be the activity that would actually really play to and support his interests, so I am keen for him to have a go. I wouldn’t force him to carry on going after three or so weeks.
He has also tried keyboards and fencing for a term each then dropped them (his request to try both, as his friend was going).
He’s just naturally a child who will say “no”
or “I can’t”, and left to his own devices would never take a risk or push himself out of his comfort zone, you can almost see him thinking “I’m not able/good enough to do that” and I want to boost his confidence a bit. I don’t mind if he doesn’t want to do things, but I do mind him not doing things because he’s worried he can’t? If that makes sense?
Anyway before bed he asked me a bit about beavers and we looked at the website and he did sort of start to sound a bit excited (although he told me he’s NOT going on the camps or sleepovers!)
When I say little bits, they are really short classes. Dance half hour a week, swimming half hour a week and taekwondo 45 minutes. All very close to home so no travel time really.
He is absolutely the most gorgeous delicious little boy and I just want to make sure he has all the opportunities to find his thing.

OP posts:

MasterBeth · 20/04/2022 23:32

It's too much. He doesn't want to go. Why make him go when he doesn't want to go? What do you not want to do (ballroom dancing, adventure sports, bell ringing)? How would you feel if someone made you go?

Sarkymarky · 21/04/2022 00:58

How would you feel if you cried because you did not want to do something and nobody took any notice of you and made you do it for a term. I would not make him go let him enjoy the activities he is doing.

WildCoasts · 21/04/2022 01:18

I've always encouraged my children to have activities that they want and enjoy (rather than what I think is good for them). They've never not had any activities by their choice (except one in the teen years).

I wouldn't worry too much. When I was a child I had heaps of activities. My sibling wasn't at all interested. They are very social now, way more than I am.

PinkSyCo · 21/04/2022 01:19

Bloody hell some parents are so pushy! Your DS already does 3 activity’s on top of going to school. He’s only just turned 6, let the poor kid have some downtime in his home if that’s what he wants.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 21/04/2022 01:30

I think swimming is so important that you shouldn’t count it as an ‘activity’ at this age. It is a non-negotiable extension of school. (And from your last post, not a time consuming one).

That leaves two activities. Given that Beavers is likely to dovetail with more of his interests, I’d enroll him for one term and then re-evaluate. It should then be up to him to decide if he wants to keep with it or drop it (or one of the other activities).

I’m glad he has had a look at the website and sounds more interested now. Some children just say ‘no’ automatically to new things or to changes and should be encouraged to experiment. You know your son best and it does sound like you know he has that tendency.

I’m sure he will love Beavers after the first session.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 21/04/2022 01:33

Oh, I also wanted to say that I think it is important to have a mix of activities. Not, for example, all physical activities or sports. Beavers would be a change of pace from clubs for swimming, dancing and taekwando.

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