To push DS into activities when he would rather not

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He’s just turned 6. I’ve always been a bit of an over scheduler with his older brother who is 10. DS1 loves various activities and has done loads, is very sporty and has a very full schedule which he thrives on.
DS2 has had a lot less, partly because of lockdowns coming when I perhaps would have been starting him on activities, partly because of DS1 schedule taking up time and partly just because he naturally temperamentally is less inclined to want to do activities so I’ve not pushed it. You can tell he’s not naturally sporty as DS1 is. DS2 has always enjoyed more time with me, he loves growing seeds, baking and cooking, craft etc.

However I am wondering if I’m just sort of letting him stay at home and not pushing him gently out of his comfort zone. He’s not an adventurous child and if I let him choose be really would never choose to do anything but then he might love it?

He does do a few bits, he does swimming and taekwondo and a little dance class at school.

Anyway a place has come up at Beavers and when I asked him if he wants to do it he has really had a cry tonight and said he really doesn’t want to. He knows nothing about Beavers so it’s not an informed choice, none of his friends or his brother will be going so he’s a bit scared basically.

I think I’ve made my mind up to put him in at least for this term but he’s really upset about it. Just interested to hear thoughts.

My daughter used to hate every class at that age so don’t worry about it too much.

I remember when she was 5 in swimming class and she screamed her head off the first time in the pool with the other kids and the swimming teacher said I could take her out but I said No and all the other mums looked at me in shock but she soon stopped crying when she saw her friends weren’t crying.

She is 12 now and is a very confident swimmer, and is teaching her little cousin who is 3 to swim.

I would make him do it for a term as it sounds like it would be a good activity for him in lots of ways. I don’t think he’s particularly oversheduled. Seems pretty normal at that age to be doing swimming plus a few other things.

It crosses my mind that 'not letting them give up' might be what's driving the issue (reluctance, tearfulness). I can understand the drive behind wanting a child to continue with something they've expressed an interest in and asked for, but it may be worth considering leaving new things like this a bit more open for decision (particularly with so many activities already - I know if someone scheduled in 4 activities a week after work for me with no leeway I'd be pretty overwhelmed regardless).

In addition to his 3 out of school activities, how much travelling around does you DS do, taking his older brother to his activities. Younger children often can spend a lot of time in the car, which can be tiring and boring, so I'd factor this in to the equation as well.

You admit yourself, that you're an over scheduler and I personally think 3 out of school activities is fine for a 6 year old and that you may be in danger of being a little proscriptive in wanting your DS to do more. We're not all sporty and adventurous

As somebody who runs a very popular extracurricular, can i beg you not to send a child who really doesn't want yo be there, for all our sakes

On the one hand, he's already doing both swimming and a martial art. As others have said, that's quite a bit at age 6. On the other hand, my son used to be reticent, and I still brought him to certain activities precisely so he could get the confidence boost from conquering that bit of fear. I could not drop him at birthday parties until end of 3rd year of school. Major separation anxiety. But I brought him to them all and sat there until they were over. He has a cousin same age who is very reclusive now because his parents never coaxed him through that fear-based reticence years ago. My son now loves football, is not particularly great at it, but enjoys it so much. I think it's really important that kids who are not particularly sporty still get opportunities to play sport if it's something that they enjoy. With the Beavers example, I'd probably get another new Beaver over for a play for a few weeks in a row, not mention Beavers at all, then ask "do you want to meet X for a play in the hall tonight?" If he says no in that context, I'd drop it for year or two but still keep up the friendship with Beaver kid. I know that depends on social connections in your area etc. I had to forge many connections to get my son going socially. Meanwhile, my daughter was polar opposite - she didn't give a damn where she was in relation to me by age 2.5!

YABU! I don't think extra curriculars are the be all and end all. As he gets older he'll find something, my DS only did swimming at that age, since turning 8 he's decided to do horse riding and guitar.

If you have an anxious child, forcing them to do things to the point where they cry is not going to cure their anxiety. This is just his temperament, don't punish him for it.

A little push now and again is helpful, yes, but forcing a fourth activity on top of three he's already doing is way too much for a child with his temperament.

Give him a break.

Would you like to be pushed into doing something you don't want to?

Why can't you just accept he doesn't want to do it instead of pushing him to the point of hating it first?

Also, he's not giving it up before he gives it a good go because he doesn't want to do it... if he asked to do it, then I would somewhat agree.

What is this obsession with overloading kids with activities?

and I want to boost his confidence a bit

You won't boost his confidence by pushing him into things...

When I say little bits, they are really short classes. Dance half hour a week, swimming half hour a week and taekwondo 45 minutes.

So, in other words, they are standard length classes for a 6 year old? I agree with poster who says you are using minimising language. Are you in an area where everyone massively overschedules their children and you feel you must "keep up" (and are you in an area where during lockdown all the parents said how great it was just to spend time at home and not to be forever ferrying their children to stuff).

It's good that you've reconsidered you're idea of making him go for a term down to 3 weeks.

Remember he is 6. I think activities really come into their own at junior school age. He has plenty of time to pick up new things.

I would put him in for a term, that seems a good compromise and assess part way through in case he genuinely doesn't like it.
My more 'homely' daughter absolutely loves beavers, it's now her favourite activity. It's worth a try.
If he doesn't like it then I wouldn't worry too much as he is already doing 2 other activities which is plenty.

My 8yrs old does judo, beavers, cello, a small Indian music class and french school. The last 2 being due to her heritage/our backgroinds. She does horse riding occasionally but it is currently not a regular feature. She is happy with that. I am considering an online art class and I know she'd be very keen.
My oldest has things on most nights/days with judo twice a week, cadet twice a week, cello, Indian music and french school. Occasionally horse riding too. She loves it.
My 5yrs old currently only does judo and french school. We need him to join swimming but everywhere is full.
As long as we can afford it and the kids enjoy it then I see no issue scheduling a number of after school activities.

The poor kid's only 6. Stop piling on the stress and just let him chill out for a while 🙄

Your DS sounds lovely and it's not like he's wanting to play on his ipad in all of his downtime.

It's good he wants to try Beavers, but I would say that 4 after school activities are quite a lot for a home loving body. He's not his DB so let him be himself, he's not going to lose out on life if he doesn't continue with all his extra curriculars.

Your poor kids. Stop being so pushy. He's got the rest of his life to find his thing. At 6 he doesn't need to be forced to go to something that he's crying about for gods sake. He's already doing three activities even if you think they're not very worthy ones.

I think it’s harder for a same-sex DC2 to do something alone, without their comfort-zone of big brother/sister - but it’s really valuable. So I’d say definitely sign him up, big up Beavers and then just see how it goes.

Bloody hell, he’s six years old and he’s clearly the kind of child who likes some time to himself to potter about and do quiet stuff. Leave him alone, for god’s sake. He does two out of school activities already; he doesn’t need to do a third. It’s probably not even specifically Beavers that he’s objecting to; he just doesn’t want to do yet another thing that involves a structured activity with a bunch of other kids when he’s already doing structured activities with a bunch of other kids all day at school.

Value your child for what he is, which is a thoughtful introvert who values his quiet time and is good at creating his own entertainment, instead of trying to make him into the totally different child you want him to be. Not everyone likes being around people all the bloody time. He doesn’t need to be ‘pushed’ and you’re probably making him feel like he’s a disappointment to you because he isn’t super outgoing like you and his brother.

Jesus wept @oblada, when do your kids have time to just be? That lot sounds like hell on steroids.

That's what I thought. Don't minimise what he does, OP.

He's 6, already does three activities, and he cries at the thought of having to do another one. But you've made your mind up that he should anyway. Maybe listen to your child!

YABU, because he's hardly 'not doing anything'. Swimming and dancing and taekwondo are already quite a lot- and are healthy forms of exercise. Add to that his other hobbies, such as craft and cooking, and he has a more rounded life than most children. Don't make him do anything that makes him cry: that is unfair to him, and risks putting him off physical activity rather than encouraging it.

My girl does swimming (my only non-negotiable) and dancing on a Monday. That is enough. She needs her downtime, if she asked for more I would consider it, but she likes to bake with mum. Fair enough. I strongly disagree with all this "scheduling". Try next term, him dropping one of the others and trying out Beavers, if he doesnt want to, that is it. One of my brother´s friends was pushed into activities, he hated them and would play truant to go play with my brother.

He is already doing plenty.
Other people have said that to yo as well.
He is absolutely the most gorgeous delicious little boy and I just want to make sure he has all the opportunities to find his thing
Jeez, he's only 6!! Give the kid a break!!

Don't worry they have plenty of time :)

we have a nanny so they are picked up from school and have time with each other and doing their own thing every day. School in this country finishes at a ridiculously early time as it is. In France i used to finish school a couple of hours later than them and had a few activities on top. I was fine. They all enjoy it and if anything my oldest 2 would like to do more. Actually 2 of them also do football occasionally on Sunday morning but there is no real commitment there.

I think music is really important so i encourage that. So is finding a sport you enjoy. Social clubs (beavers/cadets) are up to them entirely but have many benefits.
For my kids of course, because of our background, we do encourage French school and Indian music to maintain that connection. As long as they like it. The French school they go to on Saturday morning is absolutely brilliant.

At the weekend we tend to be out and about for half of it but also find time to chill as a family and watch a movie together.

Everyone is different in terms of the schedule that suits them. Encouraging kids to try new activities is good. So is accepting that they do not like it, once they have tried.

Bloody hell some parents are so pushy! Your DS already does 3 activity’s on top of going to school. He’s only just turned 6, let the poor kid have some downtime in his home if that’s what he wants

This.

Leave the child alone. As a pp said, do not send a child to a class they dont want to go to. I teach a sport and you can tell in an instant which child is there because they want to be and which child has been told to come by a parent.