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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was this inadvertently really insensitive?

51 replies

Yumyumcakes · 19/04/2022 16:40

Right Mnetters I need you to be really honest with my rn, because I’m feeling quite guilty but I’m not sure if I should.

Friends (not super duper close, but close enough) through DH, get on fairly well. Couple are child free. When I was Pregnant with DC2, we were chatting about names, DH and I mentioned we had a list but we were struggling to agree, the wife then said oh, what about Isabella (name made up as to not being outing) and we said yeah that’s actually on our list you know, funny thing and it’s the only one we both actually like, but we’re waiting until baby is born. Conversation changed and no more was said. A few months later she said she’d had a miscarriage a few years ago, and they were thinking about ivf and ultimately decided against it.

We met up last week and it turns out they’d been through a lot in terms of child loss and infertility, totally unbeknownst to me and she really wanted to call her daughter Isabella. Well now my 1.5 yr old is called it and I had no idea the extent of the back story and I feel really awful. She mentioned that she gave us the name and we hadn’t thought of it before, and she’s ok with the fact we called out daughter it, she thinks it’s nice. I did gently say it’s always been on ‘the list’ (you know the list of imaginary names you have on notes) and was the only one DH and I could agree we both liked. I know no one owns a name but god I feel like a real ass hat. Was I a dick? But I really love the name. Obviously I can’t change my 1. 5 yr old daughters name but crap am I that person.

OP posts:

clarepetal · 19/04/2022 16:41

You are not that person. No one has rights to a name, and you had no idea what had happened to her.
You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

EyeBagsAndEyeRolls · 19/04/2022 16:43

You’re really not, you had the name as a possible, she happened to bring it up and the alternative you’d never use it just because she mentioned it. And at the time you had no idea of her journey .she also mentioned it as a possible for you, not a possible future child of hers.

Definitely not a dick, nothing to feel guilty about xxx

Seeline · 19/04/2022 16:43

Well it sounds like she suggested it to you. And you told her it was already in your list and both liked it.
If she hadn't wanted you to use it, she shouldn't have suggested it.

Blinkingheckythump · 19/04/2022 16:44

She suggested the name to you. Even if you had known about her struggles and liking of the name she literally suggested you use it. So no you've done nothing wrong

Original poster

Yumyumcakes · 19/04/2022 16:48

@clarepetal

You are not that person. No one has rights to a name, and you had no idea what had happened to her. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

I just feel awful. She mentioned something like Isabella was on her list if she ever had a girl but I just thought yeah it’s on mine too. We like it, kid wasn’t named for 5 days because DH and I kept going back and forth and it was the only name we could agree on.

It was between that and another name (let’s say Jenni) that DH liked but I just couldn’t get behind it plus everyone who we said to we’re deciding between these two said oh yeah Isabella is nicer, it goes with dc1 name.

She now jokingly calls dd by the other name as a joke and I’m wondering if it’s because it’s hurtful

OP posts:

returntoUK · 19/04/2022 16:48

I don’t understand? Why are you calling yourself ‘guilty’, ‘awful’, ‘ass hat’, ‘dick’ and ‘crap’ for choosing a name that you had no idea she wanted due to their infertility issues that you had no idea about? It just seems like pointless self-flagellation. Congratulations on your baby, that’s what you should concentrate on.

Original poster

Yumyumcakes · 19/04/2022 16:51

@returntoUK

It’s just because she told me some of the whole story and brought up the name and it seems like even though she said she was ok it, it seems like it did cause her pain. And the whole story is a hard one that involves loss, family gossip etc and I’ve been through infertility myself and it’s shit… wouldn’t want to make it worse for anyone

OP posts:

Mummy1608 · 19/04/2022 16:52

She now jokingly calls dd by the other name as a joke and I’m wondering if it’s because it’s hurtful

That's really quite weird and your dd (same age as mine) is old enough to find that confusing.

Yanbu. I feel sorry for your friend but calling your dd by a wrong name is not on. Wven if she's upset with you (unreasonably) she should not bring your dd into it.

Original poster

Yumyumcakes · 19/04/2022 16:54

She’d also mentioned the miscarriage later and how they decided against ivf maybe I should have realised it was ‘the name’

But equally if they did have a child and called her Isabella I wouldn’t be precious that oh my child was called it first or anything weird

OP posts:

ParisHarris · 19/04/2022 16:54

You haven't done anything wrong.

Original poster

Yumyumcakes · 19/04/2022 17:03

Dh has now taken it as a ‘ I told you we should have gone with Jenni’ thing, we’ve upset them. Which obviously I’d never want to do but also I keep my name list secret just in case, so I assumed that’s what most people do, you don’t suggest a name unless you’re inviting someone else to use it

OP posts:

lemongreentea · 19/04/2022 17:31

She now jokingly calls dd by the other name as a joke and I’m wondering if it’s because it’s hurtful

She is being childish and ridiculous. She doesnt own the name and you had already told her it was the only name you and your dh had agreed on.

I would be correcting her everytime she called your daughter by the wrong name.

If she has issues because she cant have a baby she should go and get therapy not take it out on your child in this pathetic passive aggressive way.

Mummy1608 · 19/04/2022 17:53

@Yumyumcakes

You describe the friend as "not super duper close" but your dh is so invested in her feelings that he regrets his own daughter's name...? Is he much closer to the friend than you are?

I can't imagine regretting a name after this long, it's just so stuck in place by now isn't it!

Im just struggling to imagine it because dh and I obviously had a few names in the shortlist, but a few months after dd was born her name was well and truly her own name if that makes sense. It's just her. If I hear of eg a celebrity with the same name I immediately think of dd. All her pet names are variations on her name like, if she's Isabelle then we call her Issywizzy and Belle-Belle and that sort of thing

Georgeskitchen · 19/04/2022 18:00

You didn't know about her miscarriage/fertility issues
Sad though her issues are, they are not your fault

blueshoes · 19/04/2022 18:00

She brought it up herself. Don't see why she would if she was 'bagging' the name. To call your dd by another name, that is weird and her issue to deal with. You are not close, so end of.

Original poster

Yumyumcakes · 19/04/2022 18:09

I’d say since Dc2 was born we’ve got closer, but initially they were closer to dh than me.

I only found out the whole backstory from her last week and then told DH and since then he’s feeling guilty too and regretting the name slightly, I’m pretty sure this is because it wasn’t his top pick for name, but I hated his and he mine so it was the only name we both liked and matched dc1 name

OP posts:

coginamachine · 19/04/2022 18:35

You've not insensitive in the slightest, you can't know what you don't know and now you do know you're left feeling slightly awkward but also empathetic to her loss. This is completely understandable. If it were me I would talk to her, thank her for sharing with you her loss, acknowledge that this might be difficult for her being around another child with the same name but that you understand and that you are there for her.

merryhouse · 19/04/2022 19:03

If you hadn't had that conversation, and then found out the story later, would you feel guilty?

Mummy1608 · 19/04/2022 19:08

Also, is it a fairly common name? There are dozens of Isabellas about (I know that was just your example). If it's a common enough name then even more yanbu. It was on your list already

Original poster

Yumyumcakes · 19/04/2022 19:12

@merryhouse

If you hadn't had that conversation, and then found out the story later, would you feel guilty?

Probably not really tbh..dh had thought she was a little iffy about the name through the jokingly calling her Jenni, and saying she looked like a Jenni but at the time she even said, oh no I don’t like the name Jenni at all. I recall because I was like ha, DH see another person who doesn’t like it.

OP posts:

Changechangychange · 19/04/2022 19:13

It’s just because she told me some of the whole story and brought up the name and it seems like even though she said she was ok it, it seems like it did cause her pain

Then she shouldn’t have suggested you call your daughter that!

Honestly it’s not like she said she planned to call her own baby that and you said “Great name, I’m taking it!”. She suggested it to you.

Original poster

Yumyumcakes · 19/04/2022 19:14

@Mummy1608

Also, is it a fairly common name? There are dozens of Isabellas about (I know that was just your example). If it's a common enough name then even more yanbu. It was on your list already

I’d say it’s not a top 10 name like Sarah, Olivia etc but it’s not a ‘rare’ name. I know of at least one other person on how housing estate with a child with the same name

OP posts:

LoveSpringDaffs · 19/04/2022 19:18

Can you clear up how it came about? In your first post you said she suggested Isabella, but in your second post you say she said it was on her list? For me it depends whether she actually suggested it to you to see if you & DH both like it OR if she was telling you it was on her list (ie please don't use it).

As you've become closer, you should talk to her about it. Tell her 'Bella (or whatever) is fine if it's easier for her, but not Jenni.

Talk to her

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 19/04/2022 19:19

If you knew beforehand then it would have been U to use the name imo.

You didn't know though.

If I hear a child with the name of my angel ds or dd it does sting a little, but that's just down to my memories and feelings, so she was probably just thinking of her child and not upset at the name, just the memories.

Whadda · 19/04/2022 19:20

I don’t know if I’m reading this wrong, OP, but I think you’re overthinking this and there’s an element of making the recently told story of their fertility struggles all about you.

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