Was this inadvertently really insensitive?

[Yumyumcakes]

Right Mnetters I need you to be really honest with my rn, because I’m feeling quite guilty but I’m not sure if I should.

Friends (not super duper close, but close enough) through DH, get on fairly well. Couple are child free. When I was Pregnant with DC2, we were chatting about names, DH and I mentioned we had a list but we were struggling to agree, the wife then said oh, what about Isabella (name made up as to not being outing) and we said yeah that’s actually on our list you know, funny thing and it’s the only one we both actually like, but we’re waiting until baby is born. Conversation changed and no more was said. A few months later she said she’d had a miscarriage a few years ago, and they were thinking about ivf and ultimately decided against it.

We met up last week and it turns out they’d been through a lot in terms of child loss and infertility, totally unbeknownst to me and she really wanted to call her daughter Isabella. Well now my 1.5 yr old is called it and I had no idea the extent of the back story and I feel really awful. She mentioned that she gave us the name and we hadn’t thought of it before, and she’s ok with the fact we called out daughter it, she thinks it’s nice. I did gently say it’s always been on ‘the list’ (you know the list of imaginary names you have on notes) and was the only one DH and I could agree we both liked. I know no one owns a name but god I feel like a real ass hat. Was I a dick? But I really love the name. Obviously I can’t change my 1. 5 yr old daughters name but crap am I that person.

Of course you're not wrong- but it doesn't look like she was making you wrong either. I'm meeting someone soon who's late son shares a name with my son. I've no doubt she might find the experience painful or feel a twinge whenever she hears her ds's name aloud - but that's not on me. And I can feel sorry for her and desperately sad without feeling any guilt. In the kindest possible way, she doesn't give a shit about your daughters name, she's upset she doesn't have an Isabella.

@LoveSpringDaffs

Can you clear up how it came about? In your first post you said she suggested Isabella, but in your second post you say she said it was on her list? For me it depends whether she actually suggested it to you to see if you & DH both like it OR if she was telling you it was on her list (ie please don't use it).

As you've become closer, you should talk to her about it. Tell her 'Bella (or whatever) is fine if it's easier for her, but not Jenni.

Talk to her

The conversation went along the lines of ‘ you guys thought about names’ ‘ yeah we’ve got a list but we can’t agree on anything, DH likes Jenni but I hate it’ ‘what about Isabella?’ ‘ oh yeah that’s actually on our list, it’s one of the only ones we both like, we’ll wait to see what she looks like’ then she said something like oh yeah I love that for a little girl it’s on my list too haha… something to that effect.

The actual name isn’t really one that lends itself to shortened variants though, so it’s pretty much the name (if that makes sense)

I did say when she told me, oh gosh I’m sorry you’ve been through so much and I didn’t know that the name meant so much to you, that’s when she said she ‘gave it’ to us and I gently did say it was already on our list, and that she was happy for us to use it too, but she’d still call her daughter it (fine by me). Whilst she said it was fine, but general tone it did sound like a pained acceptance

@Whadda

I don’t know if I’m reading this wrong, OP, but I think you’re overthinking this and there’s an element of making the recently told story of their fertility struggles all about you.

Oh god no!

I’m checking in around names, like given the initial conversation and then the subsequent disclosure of a miscarriage (not sure if fetal sex was discovered or actually how far along she was) if it was insensitive to have chosen that name for our child, DH sort of thinks yes and after getting a fuller picture of the story and seeing how upset she was, I do feel a bit guilty as who wants to add to someone’s suffering

She's saying she gave you permission to use the name despite you telling her it was already on your list.

She is either jealous and being petty or has a lot of trauma and can't recall you saying that.

Sorry she is suffering but not your fault. You have done nothing wrong.

@lemongreentea

*She now jokingly calls dd by the other name as a joke and I’m wondering if it’s because it’s hurtful*

She is being childish and ridiculous. She doesnt own the name and you had already told her it was the only name you and your dh had agreed on.

I would be correcting her everytime she called your daughter by the wrong name.

If she has issues because she cant have a baby she should go and get therapy not take it out on your child in this pathetic passive aggressive way.

Yes, it's definitely your friend who is 'that person', not you... Enjoy your lovely baby 💐

I don’t think that it’s insensitive at the slightest. Your friend had fertility issues (kept it secret as most of us) and while going through this made up a list of names (as we all), was discussing your list of names and mentioned a nice name she knew (nothing unusual so far) you said that actually you were thinking about this name too, then you gave this name to your daughter. End of story. Nothing to talk about.
She told you about her problems - absolutely separate issue. I’m sure you were understanding and supportive.
Now she behaves weirdly around your daughter and calls her a different name. It’s very strange, I think you need to be careful around her not because of your imaginable insensitivity but because of her mental instability.

I agree with @lemongreentea’s post .

I'm confused too.

You had this conversation about the name over 18 months ago?

You only fully uncovered the extent if their fertility struggles very recently?

Why had she suddenly taken to calling your DD Jenni? If the name conversation happened 18 months ago?

I assume they are still TTC if she still wants to use the name?

Neither of you invented that name so it's for anyone to use. S

she didn't give it to you.

Even if it were a totally unique name that she'd made up herself I don't think YWBU. If it's actually a normal popular name like Isabella you definitely aren't!

@Crunchymum

I'm confused too.

You had this conversation about the name over 18 months ago?

You only fully uncovered the extent if their fertility struggles very recently?

Why had she suddenly taken to calling your DD Jenni? If the name conversation happened 18 months ago?

I assume they are still TTC if she still wants to use the name?

Oh she’d called it her since birth here and there and say to dd as a baby ‘ oh are you a Jenni or Isabella, I think you look like a Jenni to me’ (in jest) But I’d just dismissed it and not paid a lot of notice and just put it down to the fact that she nearly was a Jenni, but i don’t know if it’s more persistent now or im just seeing them more and therefore noticing it more

@Crunchymum

I'm confused too.

You had this conversation about the name over 18 months ago?

You only fully uncovered the extent if their fertility struggles very recently?

Why had she suddenly taken to calling your DD Jenni? If the name conversation happened 18 months ago?

I assume they are still TTC if she still wants to use the name?

Other questions, yes only within the last few weeks learned of their struggles. I did know about a miscarriage and that they’d decided against ivf prior.

Yes initial name convo over 18 months ago now. I’ve answer the Jenni thing in PP.

I’m not sure if they are ttc, it seemed like a case of infertility/ loss putting a great deal of strain in the mariage, but she didn’t share if they were still trying to ttc or not just that she’s always wanted kids.

She now jokingly calls dd by the other name as a joke and I’m wondering if it’s because it’s hurtful

This is really fucking rude, and I’d pull her up on it if she did it again.

Even though it hurts her to see another baby girl with the name she would have used, your daughter is now a person in her own right and it’s her name. She deserves to have that respected, and so do you.

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong so it’s ridiculous that you’d feel this guilty, and even more ridiculous that your DH would back that up. So much so that it doesn’t sound true.

@FairyCakeWings

She now jokingly calls dd by the other name as a joke and I’m wondering if it’s because it’s hurtful

This is really fucking rude, and I’d pull her up on it if she did it again.

Even though it hurts her to see another baby girl with the name she would have used, your daughter is now a person in her own right and it’s her name. She deserves to have that respected, and so do you.

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong so it’s ridiculous that you’d feel this guilty, and even more ridiculous that your DH would back that up. So much so that it doesn’t sound true.

Oh but it is true.

I wouldn’t say she actively misnamed DD, she’ll be like ‘oh hi Jen… oh no sorry Bella, you know I stil keep thinkin you’re a Jenni, you nearly were you know’ something to that effect.

According to DH he ‘had a feeling’ the name might have been a sore spot, he did say at the time too but I said to him well she actually suggested it, you wouldn’t do that if you weren’t ok with it, don’t be silly it’s the only name we like etc

I get it now @Yumyumcakes

Thanks for explaining but yeah the name thing is odd. She seems really fixated on it?

I'd have to pull her up on it though? Next time she says it just say "she's just getting used to answering to her name, so we're trying not to confuse her"

I wouldn’t say she actively misnamed DD, she’ll be like ‘oh hi Jen… oh no sorry Bella, you know I stil keep thinkin you’re a Jenni, you nearly were you know’ something to that effect

Yeah this is so unacceptable, like I said your dd is old enough to take this in and be confused. No matter how upset your friend is with you, she should not upset or confuse your dd

FYI.. and also tell your DH.
"According to Social Security Administration data, Isabella has been consistently popular, remaining in the top five since 2006, and in the top 50 since 2000. It is the 52nd most popular name on FamilyEducation.com."

I think as you've made it clear what your recollection of the names conversation was and that you had no idea about her circumstances, that you wuold not be UR.. to repeat that and, very kindly and gently ask her not to keep doing that as it will only confuse your DD.

I wouldn’t say she actively misnamed DD, she’ll be like ‘oh hi Jen… oh no sorry Bella, you know I stil keep thinkin you’re a Jenni, you nearly were you know’ something to that effect.

She sounds unwell. Still not your daughters fault.

She sounds unwell. Still not your daughters fault.

This.

It’s a really common name.

I hit YABU as in you're not a dick for using the name.

@BathshebaKnickerStickers

It’s a really common name.

It’s not actually this name for obviously outing reasons but it is of a similar ilk, not the top ten most common but definitely top 100

@lemongreentea

*I wouldn’t say she actively misnamed DD, she’ll be like ‘oh hi Jen… oh no sorry Bella, you know I stil keep thinkin you’re a Jenni, you nearly were you know’ something to that effect.*

She sounds unwell. Still not your daughters fault.

She’s lovely to the dcs, absolutely doting and sweet but now after that conversation I do wonder if it’s pointed comments at me and DH for using this name and not the ‘jenni’

Just ask her to stop bringing it up. She is being rude whatever the back story. She has her journey and you have yours and she is acting out in a very unusual way. Watch what else she is saying/implying because jealousy even caused by heartbreaking backstory is not something that should be invited into your childrens luves.

@Whadda

I don’t know if I’m reading this wrong, OP, but I think you’re overthinking this and there’s an element of making the recently told story of their fertility struggles all about you.

Yes, you’re reading it wrong. That’s not fair to the OP, at all.

@Yumyumcakes

After your earlier reply to me, I am
in NO doubt At All, that you did anything wrong.

maybe she's regretting suggesting it to you (and ignoring the fact it was already on your list!) & as she hasn't (yet?) become pregnant, is perhaps coming to accept she won't have her 'Isabella' too.

I think all you can do is be as kind as you can in overlooking her comments & be thankful you have your Isabella.

It really will not matter if one person calls her a different name (IF it continues). An Aunt called me a totally different name growing up, none of us still have any idea why?! It wasn't a version of my name (or even a traditional version of my name - like Margaret & Daisy. She also liked my real name & no problems with her memory.

I treasure her cards etc with my other/special name & miss her enormously!

Try not to let it bother you (re DD's name & her calling her Jenni) OR feeling guilty/bad, there's no need to!

it would, however, bother me how your DH is behaving...